I need some opinions on this. My husband of many years and I had started seeing a counselor because of his depression and because we haven't had sex in a very long time. He has a viagra prescription and because he has been interested in sex, it has sat pretty well unused in his sock drawer for a long time. Just yesterday I saw it there when I put away his laundry. Today when I was helping him pack, I noticed it was missing and when he left the room looked in his suitcase. There it was!! I asked him why he was taking it and he said he took had been in there a long time. I told him I knew for a fact that wasn't true and he said well he put it in there to take on the way in town so we could have a "party" when he came home. Since it only takes about an hour to work, why would he need to haul it out of town. He is mad I won't take him at his word, and I WANT to believe him, but I can't seem to. I feel sick to my stomach. Am I crazy??:thumbup:

Hmm this is a very tricky situation. I might be crazym but here goes!!

Have you ever thought you might need some sort of Viagra (woman's sexual stimulant)? When he was asking for his script? Many woman do lack the sexual drive as they get older. It's a sad fact as we get caught up with kids, or jobs and the other demands out there our pleasure seems to suffer. As a woman I hate even saying this... But if you lack the desire to stay in tuned with your partner there going to seek other sources. Perhaps he thought of looking while on this trip with no plan in mind. Since you did mention you have sex only a couple to a few times a year.

I'm a very sexual person and when I'm in a relationship I can't go more than two days with out being together sexually. I laugh since my X-hubby still to this day tells me how he never realized that I had such a high desire to pleasure even till the end of our 14 year run....... But that not being the issue, he should not step out of your marrige or have been thinking that could be the solution to some of the issues.

You both should perhaps seek a sex therapist and other relationship help. See a doctor also about your physical or emotional sexual desire.

Sex is wonderful and it's nothing to be ashamed of or dirty to talk about to anyone that can help you through this ruff patch.

Get tested, have him tested....... Get some answers you need and shag the hell out of him.................... Make him so tired and satisfied he'd never look anywhere else.......... JMOA

Edited September 12, 200817 yr by LiveLoveLaugh

BTY

He's not looking to get rid of you...... by having an affair....

If he had a true girlfriend, you would know, if he was relplacing you. There would be so many signs...... at this point I think he's fustrated by the lack of sexual attention and desire.

You did say you knew/caught him self pleasuring next to you. That my friend is a sign he wants to be with YOU. He desires YOU. Yet has no way of communicating his needs and feels helpless to get you to react. Perhaps you don't know what to do either and shames him or out of fustration avoids the whole subject.

REACT - Now is the time..... Don't let this kill or break your relationship. You both need to open your hearts and minds and get back what a relationship is all about.

Did I miss something? The way I have read this, HE is the one with the sex (not intrested in it problem), HE has difficulties maintaining erection, HE's going at himself next to her in bed instead of going after her! Miz has not mentioned once that she's got the intimacy problems.

so.....you don't want sex and he does.....

there's some issues as big as you want to make it,

and there's the other side....HIS side.....did he sign on with

you including a physical relationship, and now YOU have changed the rules?

You can control your own behavior, and your own sexual activities.

Absent the difficulty in your own emotions and your own notion of "cheating/lying"...now you want to control his behavior too. And call it 'cheating/lying'. Is that fair?

It's none of my business what you do. I do know "sport sex" often does replace that drive when home intimacy is lacking.

....People have different ideas about this, and certainly it's difficult to resolve....good luck....

A little harsh Jack don't you think?

so.....you don't want sex and he does.....

there's some issues as big as you want to make it,

and there's the other side....HIS side.....did he sign on with

you including a physical relationship, and now YOU have changed the rules?

You can control your own behavior, and your own sexual activities.

Absent the difficulty in your own emotions and your own notion of "cheating/lying"...now you want to control his behavior too. And call it 'cheating/lying'. Is that fair?

It's none of my business what you do. I do know "sport sex" often does replace that drive when home intimacy is lacking.

....People have different ideas about this, and certainly it's difficult to resolve....good luck....

Jack is coming from a different angle, but I think he has a definite point to be considered.

Sex is a part of any healthy relationship, and a lack of initmacy may mean a lot of different things but it usually does not bode well for the relationship . . . especially if it is sustained over a long term.

This viagra deal is an unpleasant surprise that complicates everything at the moment . . . but if you can count the number of times you have been together over the last several years on your fingers . . . there must be some serious issues in the relationship.

Whatever the source of the problem is, it is very good that you are in counseling. Is the source of the issue a physical problem or have you become disconnected emotionally . . . only the two of you know the answer to this. Open, honest communication amongst all parties is the best way to move beyond this situation . . . regardless of whether the final outcome brings you together or forces you apart.

In reply to the poster who suggested I might try some sort of female version of Viagra, I'd like to say that isn't the issue here, but thank you for your kind suggestion.

We ARE in counseling, and I'd love to resume a normal sex life. Please understand I HAVE tried SO many things over the last few years, I didn't come to this place without a lot of heartache and soul searching.

We had a happy marriage at one point and I'd like to get back there if possible. I am NOT willing however to stay in a relationship with someone who considers others.

Again I'm sorry. I still stick with a woman knows. People can try to justify what he is doing, but I don't buy it. I'm feeling for you right now, b/c I can only imagine how frustrated and sad you are.

hugs.

How are things, Sylvia?

My current DH also travels for his job and has also cheated, both when out of town for business and when out of town with his band. His problems? Ego and low self-esteem. We have stayed together and worked through things, but the trust is still not as absolute as it once was. This is mainly because of me. He hasn't done anything to make me doubt him in almost 2 years, but I am still hesitant. It hurt and deeply and that takes time to get better. I do love him though and I know he loves me, so to me, it is worth it to stay together and try to make it better. Now if it happened again, I wouldn't be so willing to.

As for the lie detector test, I don't put much value in them. As the daughter of a former cop, I was raised knowing how the results can be schewed and was told from a young age never to take one because of that. You already know the truth in your heart.

That said, I say go with your gut. I know for me, the only times in my life I have regeretted a decision I made was when I blatantly disregarded my gut and ended up hurt because of it. That's not always easy to do. Talk to your therapist one on one too. They might shed a little light on the subject as well.

Good luck.

Hi Kathy and Friends,

I've had a tumultous time. The kids and I had food poisoning last weekend and I felt so exhausted from that I couldn't really think of anything else. We went to the counselor this week and he kept saying if I made him take the lie dectector test he would never be able to look at me the same again. I really can't see the point in having him take it now, I'm so exhausted from being sick and being so emotionally upset.

The counselor suggested we not discuss the viagra all week and write down what we see as the problems in our marriage and our part in the problems. I am willing to do both, though it is very painful to be with him when I am wondering what he is up to.

I'm numb when I'm not thinking about it and think seeing a counselor on my own might be a good idea. Heck, what could it hurt? I am going to an attorney tomorrow for a consultation.

Thanks to all my lapband friends for being there for me, I appreciate it so much!

Sounds like a good idea to me that you get counseling on your own. I've always found it more effective to work on oneself than as a group. Someone always ends up feeling attacked. And to be told not to think about the viagra is like being told "only think about the viagra"! Good luck and hope things get better for you! Nancy:smile:

Sylvia, how are things now?

Any new updates Sylvia?