I feel so awful right now...

DtDtKty · June 3, 2005

I hope that someone else can relate to this.

I don't know why I always seem to sabotage myself. I am on the verge of tears. I have to admit that I binged last night and again tonight for dinner. I did great the rest of the day and then couldn't seem to stop eating in the evening. It was like no matter what I put in my mouth, I couldn't get full. Of course, I was eating a mile a minute...couldn't have had something to do with it, ya think. I knew what I was doing but almost felt possessed. Afterwards, with my stomach hurting, I wanted to go and throw up so badly.(I have done that perhaps three days previously in my life) but wouldn't let myself. I want to try to remind myself how bad this feels mentally and physically.

I just feel lost. I guess it's the same old crap of me trying to feed my emotions and deal with things with food. I am leaving San Diego in one week and have begun to say goodbye to all of my friends. I haven't really felt effected by it but I guess i really am. Now I just feel like a total loser and failure. Today is six weeks post-op and I feel like I am just up to my same old sh*t. I also don't feel like I can confide in my husband. I feel like he will think what I am thinking right now....that this isn't going to work for me...that I am going to gain everything back....that I am not strong enough.

Has anyone else experienced this. Do you think part or a lot of my ravenous appetite is because I need a fill? Thanks for letting me vent.

the best me · June 3, 2005

It may be time for a fill, but not in the middle of all this!!! Look, girl, you are stressin'! It might look still and calm on the outside but it's not! You have alot going on!

Afternoons and dinner are usually hard times for me as well. Hubby coming home, kids up and running around, hungry, but it's not time for dinner just yet, phones ringing, gotta do this and that and I used to feed meself like mad. I tried to do it today, but you know what I did? About 4pm, I sat down with a piece of leftover grilled chicken breast, about 4 ounces of it, and I ate it cold and dipped it in Honey Mustard dipping sauce. I chewed well, ate slowly. fine. Then, an hour and a half later I tried to eat some refried Beans with tostitos and COULDN'T! I almost PB'd! Guess it was the chicken still there? Wow. So here it is almost midnight and I haven't had a thing else to eat. Nada. Just an idea. I tried to shove food and could NOT. And believe me, shoving food is the BEST stress reliever most of us know of. Which is why we are banded.

Schedule a fill if you really need one. With the move you'll be too busy doing other things to concentrate on it too much, and you will be less inclined to fight it, maybe? You know what's best. Just know you are NOT alone. I know the "possessed" feeling. Otheres here do too. And the Band will quiet that little demon down mighty quick if you use it right. Don't fret, it will work!!

thechatrooper · June 3, 2005

Hey! I'm kind of feeling the same way. I'm about 5 weeks post op and I'm on my 2ND fill already... and I still dont feel much restriction. I've only lost 10 lbs since my first appt. I suppose I feel "full" a lot quicker, but I still have this urge in me to finish whatever is on my plate. I guess it's one of those horrible habits inbedded into you that you grow up with that's hard to break. I just had my 2nd fill yesterday morning and was supposed to be on a liquid diet for 48 hours. Today I was S T A R V I N G and tonight I gave into temptation and ate a whole fish sandwich. I could have easily stopped at half the sandwich, but I feel really, really strange if I don't finish my food. I suppose its because growing up, my dad would always get really mad at me if I didn't finish all the food I put on my plate at meals. So I ate the whole thing and now I'm too full. Granted, it's much less than I'm used to eating, but I'm still dissapointed. Disappointed that I couldn't have just followed the rules and waited till tomorrow morning to eat, and disappointed that I didn't just stop when I felt full. I'm really, really afraid this band will never work for me =( I have made a lot of changes (such as exercising EVERY day and walking everywhere instead of driving) but I'm still scared.

Zoe · June 3, 2005

Do you think part or a lot of my ravenous appetite is because I need a fill?

Yes, yes, yes! You're stranded in what I call "Bandster No-Man's Land": you've got your nifty little silicone implant, you've finished the restrictive liquid/mushy phase, your body is healing nicely. . . and you think you've got a magic cure for the food demon. Nope. In fact, you're in one of the hardest phases of banding, because your band is just a flaccid little place-holder offering you no restriction. No wonder you're frustrated!

Talk to your doctor about when you can get a fill. Dr. Rumbaut has his patients wait at least six weeks; some docs wait eight weeks; but here's poor Lisa (chatrooper) only five weeks postop and on her second fill. Bear in mind that the first (and second, and sometimes later) fill may not give you the right amount of restriction, but at least it will be a start.

Meanwhile, try not to beat yourself up. OK, you ate a lot. If you're like most of us, that's just a return to an old habit, nothing more. You are NOT a failure. You're just normal. And you probably were expecting your band to help you, but it's not pumped up yet, so it's of no assistance. But it will be.

Lisa, I know it's frustrating to stay on liquids for 48 hours after a fill. So you ate a fish sandwich. That doesn't sound so bad. This comment is coming from someone who is far from perfect when it comes to following the bandster rules, but (despite current bloating thanks to cortisone) is still very happy with the results so far.

Both of you might want to check out the "fills" forum. I think you'll find lots of posts that will show you that you're not at all alone.

DtDtKty · June 3, 2005

Thank you so much for the support. I really appreciate it. It's so nice to know I'm not alone.

Zoe...I could kiss your feet...but with my appetite the last few days I'd probably eat your shoe strings...LOL. You hit the nail on the head. You know exactly how I'm feeling. It makes me feel better to know that my band is "just a flaccid little place-holder" and I am not some big loser who is screwing up this whole thing. You rock.

Thanks everyone. Keep the advice and support coming. I love you guys.

LivinNY · June 3, 2005

Hi Heather... I am almost 2 months out and have had 2 fills.. with no real restriction yet!.. I was eating "because I could".. I had it in my mind that since I still had no restriction and I could eat what I wanted that I "better" now because soon I won't be able too... If that makes any sense... but 2 days ago it dawned on me.. what am I doing .. I am just sabotaging myself.. this is a tool and I have to learn to work with it... so I have been watching myself and steering away from the goodies and I am down 2 1/2 pounds in 2 days... I am feeling so much better about myself... stop beating yourself up... we "are" in No Mans Land right now... it will happen... you have to tell yourself that and believe it ... in the meantime... todays a new day and go with it!!!! Your not alone....

grammi · June 3, 2005

I am having the same problem. I was banded May 12 and am down 14 pounds, but right now I feel like I could eat anything....I do not get a fill until June 20. It is so frustrating because I am still eating so much less and have been at the same weight for two weeks. I am really hungry and I am having to tell myself DO NOT EAT LIKE YOU USE TO as you are defeating your purpose.....but I agree with all of you....this is so hard. Other people without the band do not help as they expect me to be dropping weight weekly....

Then I can come here and find people that are coping with the same frustrations....right now I am trying to retain what I have lost, eat less and hold oout for my fill and pray it does the trick and I start loosing again. I also tell myself 14 pounds is a lot smaller than I was on May 12.......

Everyone experiencing this limbo before a fill.....hang in there...we shall all get through this with the help of the experienced banders...

Thank you all!