People flock to me wherever I go, and I don't mind. At work, where the majority of people I tend to see ,especially in the wee hours, are older white men. They walk up to my desk and start talking about random things. I don't mind. I enjoy a little random and I tend to be able to sit and look interested for a long peroid of time. Everyone has there talents- thats mine.

It seems, especially lately, that no matter how they start the conversation as we sit alone in the big showroom they always lean in and say something they assume I will agree with about other races. I do not like these terms they use and it shocks and sickens me.

I don't share my opinions to them on this matter for several reasons.

1. I am at work and these are customers. Not my customers as I don't sell anything, but it's a car dealership so even though I don't run around kissing their butt the way the salesmen do I am still required to be ultra polite. I also feel work is not the proper place to get in such a discussion with someone I have never met before. I don't agree with them. I usually just turn away and start doing something with my computer or luckily I am really buzy so I stop looking up after I get off the phone.

2. I have a deep respect for freedom. When people make comments against sexual preference, race, gender I will share my opinion but I don't fight against it. People have the right to their beliefs no matter how I feel that they are ignorant and wrong. I just have nothing to do with them.

3. I am usually in shock that someone I am having a pleasant conversation with five seconds before leans in and throws the n-word around when they have known me for three minutes. I am kind of struck dumb. I am not racist...It's hard for me to believe there are still proud racist out there that have all their teeth and can afford a new car.

When I went to the lake this weekend. My grandmother started complaining about service she recieved at gas stations and SHE started saying racist things too. Now we have always butted heads on this issue and instead of fighting with her as I did when I was younger I walk away and take myself out of the conversation. I won't talk politics, gay rights, or anything race related with her because it starts family wars. In fact...I won't talk politics with any of my family. I'm the black sheep of the family or I guess you could call me the rainbow liberal sheep of the family.

Anyway - I don't avoid confrontation...but I do think that people will become ignorant and cruel during one. I will state my beliefs and debate...but I will not fight, and I will not try to convince someone that I am right and they are wrong. I mean, I AM right and they ARE wrong, but I understand they will not admit it so I will not let that anger me.

The purpose for this long winded post is mostly to ask what you guys do when someone assumes you share their beliefs but you really really really do not. What do you do when they do this at your work place.

How do YOU handle confrontation?

Absolutely hate it when people do that.... I work in the insurance industry and my customers are agents and I talk to them very often and since I've been working here for 5+ years, many of them feel like we are friends... but really we are not, they are simply clients....and sometimes they go on and on with their out of line comments, I won't say all of them, some are very nice, but some are rude, mean and racists, it's so hard to stay quiet, I have actually said something back a couple of times in these 5 years... but not as much as I wanted to say... and most of the times I just get myself out of the conversation, change the subject, or will say that I will call them back, I'll just do anything to stop the conversation, I've had a couple that said derogatory comments about gay people and I always wondered, do they even know if I'm gay or straight? a lot of them don't know that I'm married or anything about my private life.... so do they not think before they open their big mouths? I've had customers before using the n-word... actually in previous jobs, in my present job only one of my bosses had used it a couple of times, I have no respect for him at all, non whatsoever and I have one particular client that hates jewish people and she is always using derrogatory words about them, I have never met this woman in person, but we have talked on the phone plenty of times, yet she doesn't know where I'm from, if I may be related in any way to a jewish person, you've got to have some nerve... really.... this was the woman that I did answer back a couple of times because she did it every time we spoke, she still does it, but less.....

I wish I had some good advise, but if they are customers there is not much you can do other than stop the conversation as soon as you can. Some people can be stupid and ignorant.:tt1:

I work with a woman who throws around racist comments, although I'm not sure she realizes it. She backs it up with, "I'm not being racist..that's just the way their culture is."

I usually just say, "I haven't noticed..." and change the subject.

But, that hasn't really worked and once have told her that I don't share her opinions. I said it nicely, but she still got pissy. She was huffy for a while, but then backed off. We still talk about other stuff, but she knows not to mention it to me.

I have to be polite and hate it! Stupid people don't deserve my friendliness, but work DOES pay the bills. :tt1:

If I can't walk away, though - the next best thing is to not say anything about their comments and then change the subject.

What bothers me is that they talk to me about this stuff like they just assume I share their opinion.

I think a safe response that you can use with anyone would be something along the lines of "I really prefer not to discuss _______ (race, politics, religion, gender, sexuality, age etc) I find it to be a very personal thing"

It shuts down the conversation and without stating your view lets them know that you aren't willing to participate in the conversation.

I have had to take care of the vilest of the vile, sometimes. When (and it is rare, despite my living in the rual south) somebody makes a slur, I usually laugh (kinda over-laugh, if you know what I mean) and say something like "woah there....this is a public hospital....you have to choose your words carefully....all kinds of people work here".

I've found that (at least in my experience) just by doing something as simple as not agreeing usually shuts down the racist stuff.

Just by nature I am disinclined to confrontation. My size generally keeps anybody from "pushing their luck"...but I prefer to diffuse tense situations by smiling, being nice (sometimes painfully nice) and using humor (self-depricating, if necessary). That's how I handle confrontation.

That sounds good plain.

lately I have been handling confrontation by not saying anything and bitching about them on lapbandtalk.com

I am good at solving situations with people I spend more than three minutes with...but these random people that say these random disagreeable things I can't seem to bring myself to handle. I feel like I could either ignore it or jump up on my soap box and preach and yell for twenty minutes...then get fired.

I have friends like that, even though they know I do not share there opinions. With friends I tend to get snippy with them and put them back on there ass for using such words around me or mine. Same with certain family members for using such disparaging remarks.

Working in the service industry since I was 14 I get customers like that ALL the time. Especially in resturants, you would be shocked at how many people assume a smile and a nod means you agree with them. Even if the smile is as cold as winter and the eyes even colder. What is funny though, is the reverse racism you find, one customer in particular was railing on and on about the treatment of black men in the inner cities and how it is all "our fault" (read as us evil white people) and after I finished laughing at him told him to never judge a book by its cover cause it doesn't fly with me because I am a Cherokee woman who happens to look like her mother but spent many summers on the reservation with my dads family. And if he wanted to play the "poor pity me because of what my ancestors went through" game he needed to make sure that the person he is talking to is actually white.

I guess I am one of those people who don't mind speaking my mind, over the years I went from being crude and snarky about it to sneaky and tactful so I can look someone in the face call them a piece of shit and to f*** off with a smile and a laugh and they walk away smiling too.

RSG, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum as you are politically (we both answered the political leanings poll). I don't know that it has anything to do with politics. I think it's more just plain ignorance in most cases.

I hate confrontation too. Like you, I never know what to say or if I did, would get into trouble for it! Have you thought about just doing a really over the top shocked/incredulous look? I mean the whole thing. Mouth falls open, eyes go huge and a stammer of, "ummm, okay, excuse me, need to get back to work. Ummm bye!" Then turning immediately to your computer, phone, pen and paper, file, whatever is handy. That would shut them up!

I grew up with a black uncle and cousins and mixed race cousins and I don't look at any of them any different. People are surprised when I say that. I don't know why. If my aunt married a white guy instead of a black guy, he'd still be my uncle. Doesn't make sense to me why there'd be a question of it if he's not white!

My own daughter is mixed race. Her birthmother is 3/4 mexican, 1/4 italian, birthfather is black. Made no difference to us. In fact I'm hoping her ethnicity does her well in her life. All three have strong female influences and I hope that carries her. I worry about her sometimes and hope we do well by her. I hope that she doesn't have to deal with the garbage that my uncle, cousins and my aunt (being married to a black man and getting it from BOTH sides) have had to.

Anyway, went on way too much, as usual! Sorry!! :wink2:

Best wishes and good luck finding something that works for you and doesn't get you in to trouble with the higher ups!

I shoot 'em!!!

Fine, maybe not.....sigh, I'm a liberal too. Y'all don't never let me have no NRA fun. (I'm just kidding around folks; don't jump me, conserative types!)

I'm very facially expressive so I either look at them like they are COMPLETELY insane or put up on finger like "hang on" and make my "that's not right, doggy" sound. But I'm the bitch that just hams it up and laughs all the time so I can the smartest ass comments and people think I'm kidding; it rocks! So I might also say, "Wow, and they say racism is dead" or "where's the white robe, bubba"? :-D

Alas, my few racist (distant) relatives - I just ignore. I don't bother with trying to fix them b/c I know I'm just banging my head against a brick wall and I don't see them enough to get in a fight about it. Funny er ironic thing is that they all either presently have or have had black friends in the past. Makes absolutely NO sense. <shrugs>

OH OH - what you could do is steer the non-white patrons to salesmen/women that aren't racist!!! Kill the racist's pocketbook. <insert evil laugh>

Edited July 9, 200818 yr by SickNTired

The nicest compliment I ever received came from one of my gay friends. He told me that he knew that if I was with people who started to say bad things about gay people, that I would speak up for what's right. He said he had lots of friends that he knew cared about him, but he wasn't confident that they would be true to him the way he knew I would be. I nearly cried when he said that. His compliment is something that I've remembered for more than 20 years -- and I carry it as a responsibility. Not just to Bob but to anyone who is denigrated just for being who they are -- whether it's racial slurs, fat jokes, or slams at gay people. My friend Bob trusts me - and I can't betray him.

RSG, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum as you are politically (we both answered the political leanings poll). I don't know that it has anything to do with politics. I think it's more just plain ignorance in most cases.

I hate confrontation too. Like you, I never know what to say or if I did, would get into trouble for it! Have you thought about just doing a really over the top shocked/incredulous look? I mean the whole thing. Mouth falls open, eyes go huge and a stammer of, "ummm, okay, excuse me, need to get back to work. Ummm bye!" Then turning immediately to your computer, phone, pen and paper, file, whatever is handy. That would shut them up!

I grew up with a black uncle and cousins and mixed race cousins and I don't look at any of them any different. People are surprised when I say that. I don't know why. If my aunt married a white guy instead of a black guy, he'd still be my uncle. Doesn't make sense to me why there'd be a question of it if he's not white!

My own daughter is mixed race. Her birthmother is 3/4 mexican, 1/4 italian, birthfather is black. Made no difference to us. In fact I'm hoping her ethnicity does her well in her life. All three have strong female influences and I hope that carries her. I worry about her sometimes and hope we do well by her. I hope that she doesn't have to deal with the garbage that my uncle, cousins and my aunt (being married to a black man and getting it from BOTH sides) have had to.

Anyway, went on way too much, as usual! Sorry!!

Best wishes and good luck finding something that works for you and doesn't get you in to trouble with the higher ups!

It is 7 am yet I was still able to laugh at your post. I was just picturing someone doing that. Over the top wide eyed shock concept. I think I will have to try that atleast once...I might start laughing though. :thumbup:

The nicest compliment I ever received came from one of my gay friends. He told me that he knew that if I was with people who started to say bad things about gay people, that I would speak up for what's right. He said he had lots of friends that he knew cared about him, but he wasn't confident that they would be true to him the way he knew I would be. I nearly cried when he said that. His compliment is something that I've remembered for more than 20 years -- and I carry it as a responsibility. Not just to Bob but to anyone who is denigrated just for being who they are -- whether it's racial slurs, fat jokes, or slams at gay people. My friend Bob trusts me - and I can't betray him.

When people say negative thinks about homosexuality it's weird, because I can just blow it off and laugh at their ignorance. My best friends however get so mad if someone does this, and adamently defends homosexuality. It does kind of warm your heart. I have the sweetest friends, and you sound like a good one too. I mean I've been fired for being gay, I have had people find out at work (not this one another job) and suddenly become icy and cruel. We need people like you. Thanks.

I shoot 'em!!!

Fine, maybe not.....sigh, I'm a liberal too. Y'all don't never let me have no NRA fun. (I'm just kidding around folks; don't jump me, conserative types!)

I'm very facially expressive so I either look at them like they are COMPLETELY insane or put up on finger like "hang on" and make my "that's not right, doggy" sound. But I'm the bitch that just hams it up and laughs all the time so I can the smartest ass comments and people think I'm kidding; it rocks! So I might also say, "Wow, and they say racism is dead" or "where's the white robe, bubba"? :-D

Alas, my few racist (distant) relatives - I just ignore. I don't bother with trying to fix them b/c I know I'm just banging my head against a brick wall and I don't see them enough to get in a fight about it. Funny er ironic thing is that they all either presently have or have had black friends in the past. Makes absolutely NO sense. <shrugs>

OH OH - what you could do is steer the non-white patrons to salesmen/women that aren't racist!!! Kill the racist's pocketbook. <insert evil laugh>

SNT, you're too funny! And no, you can't change the relatives! BUT their friends aren't really black, they act more white! :scared2: <dripping sarcasm, in case someone didn't catch that!>

The nicest compliment I ever received came from one of my gay friends. He told me that he knew that if I was with people who started to say bad things about gay people, that I would speak up for what's right. He said he had lots of friends that he knew cared about him, but he wasn't confident that they would be true to him the way he knew I would be. I nearly cried when he said that. His compliment is something that I've remembered for more than 20 years -- and I carry it as a responsibility. Not just to Bob but to anyone who is denigrated just for being who they are -- whether it's racial slurs, fat jokes, or slams at gay people. My friend Bob trusts me - and I can't betray him.

YY, that's wonderful! I'd have cried too! There are times when I'm just not comfortable standing up, it makes me sad and then later pisses me off that I didn't do it. I'm not defending myself, there's no defense for it, just explaining. One of the network news hour shows (20/20, 60 min.) has had a couple of shows about people standing up for others or what's right and it's amazing to watch. A real eye opener.

It is 7 am yet I was still able to laugh at your post. I was just picturing someone doing that. Over the top wide eyed shock concept. I think I will have to try that at least once...I might start laughing though. :party:

NO, NO, you can't laugh! It'd totally RUIN the effect!! :smile: Glad I made you laugh though. I like to make people laugh!

When people say negative thinks about homosexuality it's weird, because I can just blow it off and laugh at their ignorance. My best friends however get so mad if someone does this, and adamently defends homosexuality. It does kind of warm your heart. I have the sweetest friends, and you sound like a good one too. I mean I've been fired for being gay, I have had people find out at work (not this one another job) and suddenly become icy and cruel. We need people like you. Thanks.

Sounds like you have great friends! That's horrible about your previous jobs. Not right at all.

Thanks Heartfire. Obviously it wasn't a place I would want to have stayed at anyway.

by the by, do you know what drives me even more crazy than upfront racism? Something like this.

"Hey I'm not racist, I know this one black guy and he's really nice, I mean he acts white.

Ugh. Saying that someone is a really nice man because they act like a certain race? There are good people and bad people not good race and bad race. Drives me crazy to listen to that crap.

Thats a statement from someone not at work. He I was able to tell off, especially when he said that President Bush was doing a good job considering what he was dealing with. You know, the liars, the terriost, the lesbians...I don't know what he meant by that- but I had no idea the terroist, liars, and lesbians were in the same catagory. I don't fault someone for their political affiliation, but - I am not a terroist or a liar so what the hell was he talking about?

Thanks for allowing me to vent and say all the things I want to say to those idiots that talk to me at work. It's not often, but it is about once a month I get a comment like that, obviously the day I started this post being one of them.

Edited July 10, 200818 yr by ReadySteadyGo
I can't spell

RSG, you are clearly unaware of the lying lesbian terrorists (they refer to themselves as the "LLT's"). Watch out for them.