My mum has shocked me!

rockchick · June 10, 2008

I've just come off the phone from my mum & I need to vent some emotion, so I'm sorry if this goes on a bit!

To give some background to this, I'm 39 & have been overweight all my life, on diets since I was 9 & banded in April this year. I have two overweight parents, who provided no support to me whatsoever (it was ok for them to be overweight, but not me - then when I tried to do anything about it, they would just be negative about it) When I took the decision to have the band fitted, I knew that I didn't want them to know, didn't want the added pressure of them asking how much I'd lost, commenting with every forkful of food that I put in my mouth. But last week, I went to visit my mum & almost relented when I was there & fessed up! I do feel a bit guilty for keeping it from her, as in some ways, we are quite close.

But today, she has really shocked me. We were talking about Fern Britton - she is an english TV presenter, who "came out" at last weekend about having a band fitted two years ago. She was forced to "come out" due to a sunday paper threatening to "out" her in the press. She had previously only commented about her weightloss being due to diet & exercise (she has recently completed various sponsored cycle rides in foreign climates for charity, so it is definitely major exercise, not just a walk in the park) Poor Fern has not been back in work since the day after the news broke. She has a history of depression & it is reported that this has pushed over the edge. My mum took great delight in saying how she had "cheated" the public, how the band made her loose all her weight & she was decieving people by saying it is just diet & exercise. My mum seems to support the call for Fern to lose her job over this! And Fern is also the face of Ryvita (don't know if you have the Ryvita Minis range where you are?) & she is also supposed to be in line to loose her £200k/yr contract for this, too.

I tried to explain about the band just being a tool, not a magic wand & how you can eat round it, but she thought she knew best! Saying things like "your stomach is only the size of a thimble" & "you must lose weight, cos if you eat more than a couple of mouthfuls, you are sick. Sharon Osborne said so". I just got madder & madder & in the end I just gave up! But I'm so disappointed that she has that opinion. Its really hard trying to cover up my new eating habits infront of her & I'm not even restricted yet. It would be much easier if I could admit having the band. And some moral support wouldn't go amiss, as hubby is not supportive either. I feel very alone in this journey. :grouphug:

But boy, am I glad I did not come clean last week. When (or should I say "if") she mentions my weight loss, I shall just smile sweetly & say its down to diet & exercise!

Sorry, rant over!!

Suzi :behindsofa:

Vikki · June 10, 2008

Please think that this Lap Band is the easy way out.....HELL NO!!!!! Is what I say about it. Is it easy to just eat only a couple of bites and then put it away or give it away or sometimes just throw it away............NOOOOOOO or we would not have gotten the band in the first place. Has you Mum ever struggled with weight loss......if no then they have no clue what it is like to be so mad,ashamed, and sad that weight has become such an out of control issue and it is very personal. I got the band to help me get the weight off but most important KEEP IT OFF!!! I hate having to be in pain if I take one too many bites!!!! BUT THE FLIP SIDE is I am loosing and not gaining. Pain is a BIG factor to change our head into eating for fuel not eating to feed our emotions or bordem or just to do it. This tool is exactly that a tool...........you sure as hell can beat this tool and not make it a success. Ice cream for Breakfast lunch and dinner but who wants to be right where they were when they decided to get the band. I want to get rid of this devil on my shoulder that tells me to Super Size it and its okay to eat that double fudge sundae.........................GONE!!!! It took at least 8 months before the peace really started to kick in that I am getting the food under control and its not controlling me. I love the band and wish that I could share with others but it is a very personal decision to put something in your body. I let others come to me to ask about it and then I get all excited to share what a blessing it has been. I am fighting the obesity and will win!!!!! Don't let others bring your down. That is what this site is all about SUPPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We can do it!!!!!! We can win this battle and be healthy and HAPPY with our body!!!! Obesity be GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EricaLyn · June 10, 2008

I've just come off the phone from my mum & I need to vent some emotion, so I'm sorry if this goes on a bit!
To give some background to this, I'm 39 & have been overweight all my life, on diets since I was 9 & banded in April this year. I have two overweight parents, who provided no support to me whatsoever (it was ok for them to be overweight, but not me - then when I tried to do anything about it, they would just be negative about it) When I took the decision to have the band fitted, I knew that I didn't want them to know, didn't want the added pressure of them asking how much I'd lost, commenting with every forkful of food that I put in my mouth. But last week, I went to visit my mum & almost relented when I was there & fessed up! I do feel a bit guilty for keeping it from her, as in some ways, we are quite close.

But today, she has really shocked me. We were talking about Fern Britton - she is an english TV presenter, who "came out" at last weekend about having a band fitted two years ago. She was forced to "come out" due to a sunday paper threatening to "out" her in the press. She had previously only commented about her weightloss being due to diet & exercise (she has recently completed various sponsored cycle rides in foreign climates for charity, so it is definitely major exercise, not just a walk in the park) Poor Fern has not been back in work since the day after the news broke. She has a history of depression & it is reported that this has pushed over the edge. My mum took great delight in saying how she had "cheated" the public, how the band made her loose all her weight & she was decieving people by saying it is just diet & exercise. My mum seems to support the call for Fern to lose her job over this! And Fern is also the face of Ryvita (don't know if you have the Ryvita Minis range where you are?) & she is also supposed to be in line to loose her £200k/yr contract for this, too.

I tried to explain about the band just being a tool, not a magic wand & how you can eat round it, but she thought she knew best! Saying things like "your stomach is only the size of a thimble" & "you must lose weight, cos if you eat more than a couple of mouthfuls, you are sick. Sharon Osborne said so". I just got madder & madder & in the end I just gave up! But I'm so disappointed that she has that opinion. Its really hard trying to cover up my new eating habits infront of her & I'm not even restricted yet. It would be much easier if I could admit having the band. And some moral support wouldn't go amiss, as hubby is not supportive either. I feel very alone in this journey. :grouphug:

But boy, am I glad I did not come clean last week. When (or should I say "if") she mentions my weight loss, I shall just smile sweetly & say its down to diet & exercise!

Sorry, rant over!!

Suzi :behindsofa:

Hi Suzi -

I'm sorry that you don't feel support from your husband or your Mom. I know it has to be a very difficult road for you right now.

I'm not in your shoes, but if I may, here's what I would do (two options):

1. Continue to keep it to yourself. This is your personal choice and your life. Continue on the path you're on, exercising and eating right and let the nay-sayers and critics blather on. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and you are to yours. Just keep living your life and as hard as it may be at times, just keep your eye on the prize (your health!) and ignore them.

2. Fess up. Tell your Mom about your lap band surgery. "Mom, I have something important to tell you. I need your support. If you feel you can't support me in my decision, then please keep it to yourself. I won't stand for ridicule or anger, I won't tolerate judgement or anything less than love and support. If you feel you can't support me in this, that's fine, but please don't destroy the hope that I have in the lap band. I want to live a long, healthy life and your support would be wonderful, but it's not necessary. Your choice, Mom."

Sometimes we have to just be bold in sticking up for ourselves. If that's option 1 or 2, then fine. Whatever works best FOR YOU.

Congratulations on your courage, your determination and will power. Keep the faith!

Northwest_Nance · June 10, 2008

I'm so sorry that your mum has that attitude.... I get so mad when I hear of anyone having that attitude but if it was my own parents it would be even worse. It's a shame you can't confide in her and have her support but under the circumstances it sounds like you made the right decision to not tell her. It's really sad that your husband is not supportive, this is a challenging journey and it's made that much harder when we have to do it alone. It makes me really appreciate the support I have, and I hope that we here on this forum can be your support.

I can hardly believe they are calling for Fern Britton to resign! That's outrageous! What a wonderful opportunity to educate people (like your mum!) about the lap band. It would be so good if her employer recognized that and chose to turn this into something positive and helpful for people. Sure it would have been nice if she'd been able to be honest about it to everyone in the first place but it's not easy living life in the spotlight and this was really her personal business.... besides, there are a lot of people on this forum who decide not to tell people, because they don't want everyone watching them to see if they lose weight, etc. So who can blame her for keeping it to herself?

SHARONCRIST1955 · June 10, 2008

Suzi, The only thing I can say is this don't say anything until you are ready too.

rockchick · June 10, 2008

Thanks for your words of support, ladies. I really don't know what I would do without this forum.

I've calmed down a bit now & the best thing is, I've just scored a big success in the eating front!! As soon as I got off the phone & finished typing my post on here, my next thought was to go straight to the kitchen & grab some comfort food. But, I got as far as the fridge, realised what I was doing & stopped myself, put some washing in the washing machine & by the time I'd done that, I'd calmed down enought to realise that I wasn't hungry, I'd just gone for the comfort option! Score 1 to me!! It feels soooooo good!

I totally agree about Fern - its a real, real shame as she is such a lovely woman & if this ruins her life, it will be scandalous!

Here's to reaching our goals & blowing a raspberry in the face of everyone else!

A much more positive Suzi :behindsofa:

Bea1128 · June 10, 2008

Hey Suzi! Sorry for your lack of support. I was afraid to tell my mom too. I knew she'd be freaked out and find every unsupportive thing to say to me. And of course I was right for a while, then she decided it was okay and she came to support my decision. She's tried to be supportive by asking how much I've lost and wanted to know about my progress; however, she keeps saying things like, "that's all you've lost so far?" and "you have to loose weight because you're not eating much right?". Which tells me she doesn't understand it at all. She's talked about wanting the band, but I think she'll have an unrealistic view of what it can do for her. She's asked me a time or two if I am "cheating". Now I feel like I have to defend myself and my eating to her all the time. It would have been too hard to keep something like this from her, but there are times when I wish she didn't know. Anyway, we're all here for you. Just keep plugging along and do what is right for you. Good luck! :behindsofa:

heartfire · June 10, 2008

Suzi, Congrats on staying out of the kitchen!!! I'm glad you've calmed down now. I think it's horrible that you don't have the support you need at home. Thank GOD for this site!

I hate what you say is happening to Ms. Britton. That is so sad. Too bad she didn't know about this site too. She would find all sorts of support here. She wouldn't even have to tell us who she really is if she didn't want too (and I wouldn't blame her!). Just saying she's having issues at work would lend her tons of support here.

Keep coming back here. We will be your support (or your butt kickers, should you need it!:behindsofa:).

I know I don't know you but I'm so proud of you! Take care!

Aphrodite1984 · June 11, 2008

Just remember that words can never be unsaid. If you are unsure, then wait until you know for sure what you want to do. I told my mom, and she betrayed my trust and told my whole family, and some others as well. I just wish I had never told her because this is such a private choice.

aimerus · June 11, 2008

That is crazy. Same thing happened here in the U.S. with Star Jones except she had gastric bypass and everyone was up in arms that she was not upfront with the public from the get go. I do not think it is any of the public's dam% business!!

Sorry your parents are not supportive but you are doing great! Keep up the good work!

Fanny Adams · June 11, 2008

I can understand why people are reluctant to tell others, if they have been receiving such negative feedback and lack of support. I guess I am very lucky in that I have had nothing but positive feedback from my family and even comments like "Well done for doing something to make a change!" from co-workers, etc. I wish all of us could experience that level of support *sighs*

Still, I have to say that I would be disappointed to learn that a public figure (I have no idea who Fern is), would cover up her methods and make public statements that "it was all diet and exercise" until she was threatened with "outing". Every time someone says that, other people hear it and think "See? So-and-so was successful with only diet and exercise, what's wrong with YOU??" It reinforces the idea that we fatties are just lazy and self-indulgent. A public figure has a wonderful opportunity to educate others about the band, letting people know that it ISN'T the "lazy way out". If the public gets enough education on this, and on the incredibly low success rate of "diet and exercise", maybe the rest of us would meet with less prejudice and misapprehensions.

I know it's easy for me to say, because I haven't yet had much negativity when I've told my story, but I take every opportunity to explain how I've achieved what I've done so far (and plan to continue doing!) There has been a couple of times when a co-worker has asked "what are you doing to lose so much weight?" and I've not had the time to go into it and have just quickly said "eating less!" and I have felt really guilty about that - it felt like lying. Mostly, I'll stop in the corridor and start raving about the benefits of the band, given even a sniff of a chance to do so :smile2:

KatW · June 11, 2008

Hi Suzi -
I'm sorry that you don't feel support from your husband or your Mom. I know it has to be a very difficult road for you right now.

I'm not in your shoes, but if I may, here's what I would do (two options):

1. Continue to keep it to yourself. This is your personal choice and your life. Continue on the path you're on, exercising and eating right and let the nay-sayers and critics blather on. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and you are to yours. Just keep living your life and as hard as it may be at times, just keep your eye on the prize (your health!) and ignore them.

2. Fess up. Tell your Mom about your lap band surgery. "Mom, I have something important to tell you. I need your support. If you feel you can't support me in my decision, then please keep it to yourself. I won't stand for ridicule or anger, I won't tolerate judgement or anything less than love and support. If you feel you can't support me in this, that's fine, but please don't destroy the hope that I have in the lap band. I want to live a long, healthy life and your support would be wonderful, but it's not necessary. Your choice, Mom."

Sometimes we have to just be bold in sticking up for ourselves. If that's option 1 or 2, then fine. Whatever works best FOR YOU.

Congratulations on your courage, your determination and will power. Keep the faith!

what beautifully put advice!

KatW

KatW · June 11, 2008

PS I don't think this public figure did anything wrong. Even with the Lap Band, success and failure still depends very much on the commitment and effort of the individual to work the program, so to speak. She DID do it through diet and exercise. Lapband doesn't fix, it only aids.

Katw

ahooge · June 11, 2008

i am grateful that i can't relate to your problem--i have a mother who counseled against weight loss surgery, but when i reviewed everything, went over pros and cons and explained how i felt my strengths and weaknesses would allow me to be successful with the band, she said that although it wouldn't be her choice, she was 100% on MY SIDE and would do whatever she could do to support me in my journey and help me be successful.

maybe, if you need positive strokes, you can adopt "another mother" (a mentor or some other mother figure) who will support you...

as for your mom, just keep on loving her (and keep you mouth shut about your band, because you can't change her--only yourself, right?:smile2:) and keep to your plan-because losing the weight and becoming healthy is the best response to her comments...

lhasselle · June 11, 2008

Okay, please explain why anyone should be embarrassed about having weight loss surgery. Personally, I was out in the open about my surgery. I've had lots of support from the people I work with and with my family. One of the teachers at my school left for 2 years to teach in Germany. When she came back she was at least 150 pounds lighter. When asked how she did it, she replied she just stopped drinking cokes. I can understand people in the entertainment industry being hesitant about being open about this, but you know people always find out then it's like they lied about something.

Stay strong in your choice of weight loss. It's a tool for achieving success. Is it really so different from lasik surgery to correct vision or even any other type of life saving surgery. As far as I see it, this IS LIFE SAVING!