First lemme thank everyone for being my rock right now. My hubby can only say and do so much seeing as he has no clue about what I'm going through.

Everyone knows ive been a major rambling freak this week and im sorry its not intentional its just all coming out!!!

My surgery is in 5 days. So I figured heres my confessions to those who wonder like I did what one goes through.

Am I scared? I really wasnt *scared* until the part where I was doing my pre admit stuff and they handed me the forms to fill out about life support and feeding tubes and the living will stuff. I guess then it hit me.. omg I *could* die. .. heh (Im not gonna die.. but I could)

Do I think I'm Ready? Yea I think at this point I just want it over with and all my nervousness to go away.

Have I had any doubts? Yes. This is very important for me to explain because I wondered this so much when trying to decide if this was the right thing for me to do. I have asked myself *SOO* many times if this is the right thing. I've woke up in tears as my head filled with emotions about the whole thing. This is not something to take lightly this is something that I believe everyone does go through but it is important that you do go through it. If I didnt have any doubts I think I would only be fooling myself into thinking this is an easy way out. This is by no means easy.

Do I think I can do everything that I'm told to do? Honestly no.. not without failure a few times. My whole life I've tried to do things and even when I try my hardest it doesnt always work out. This "list" of things I have to do afterwards seems easy enough but I know I am the kind of person who tries to find ways to avoid things I dont want to do. I have faith in the fact that I have a great support system and that even if I do fail a couple times with the diet, etc. that I know this tool I'm being blessed with will help me overcome my problems.

I must confess also that I have cheated in my pre-op diet. I did not do it intentionally and I know for a fact it is not a good thing but I dont believe that this means that I cannot succeed with the band. I am fat for a reason and no matter what any nurse or doctor says it is not always something I can control. Yesterday I had my preop appointment, my preop class and my husband and I were starving. We went to subway. I *knew* this wasnt the right choice but I get it in my head.. oh what can it hurt. The only thing it can hurt at this point is if they open me up and say . .. omg she had subway 6 days ago her liver is to fat to do this surgery. (hey its in the back of my head) so today I vowed that I will stick strictly on my protein shakes and do the best that I can in avoiding situations where the temptation is there.

The same goes with smoking. I had quit smoking for a few days but all of a suddden I am SO stressed out and I have had a couple cigarettes between yesterday and one today. I wont lie.. i felt SOOO mcuh better afterwards but Im terrified of what effects those few smokes will have on my surgery.

No one is perfect. I surely am not perfect and no matter what I say im going to do things dont always work out the way they should. I'm terrified that I did somethign wrong this week that could possibly effect whether or not after I'm put under they will do the surgery. Im scared that I did something to hurt my recovery and most of all Im scared that if in fact anything does go wrong it is my fault and only my fault.

I weigh 387 pounds. I am scared to death that oneday I will be 400. I am scared to death that the extra 250+ pounds will cause me risks during surgery. I'm scared that I did something that I could have avoided because I have bad will power and sometimes cant always listen to myself even when I know what I'm doing is the wrong thing.

I dont know maybe I am not a great canadite for this surgery but honestly this is my *last* resort. This is it and if this "tool" doesn't help me get over the things I couldnt do myself then at least I know I tried. I hear so much about people cheating it and trying to eat soemthign they shouldnt and it not letting them. This will help me and hopefully help me learn how to say no because no matter how hard i try sometimes I just cant.

I like to make excuses of why I do things. "i ate subway because i was starving" "i smoked this week because i was stressed" the truth is I wanted to do those things even though I shouldnt have and even though I swear to myself now I wont again. This is where I get depressed and emotional because I feel like I am a failure that I cannot succeed and wont succeed.

But then I come here and look for the support I need or even the rude awaking of someone telling me hey guess what.. you did screw up but you know what a lot of us do because no one is perfect and you sure as the hell arent either.

I know I have a good chance that things will work out for me. I also know the little things I did this last week could screw a lot up for me and if that is what happens then I know its my fault. Sometimes I wish the surgeons office offered more support and less "rules". Sure you can tell me to stop smoking but whos going to HELP me do it. You can tell me to drink just liquid for two weeks but whos going to HELP me through it. Maybe surgeons need to consider all of these things instead of the bottom buck.

Maybe I should just realize that I am only human and no matter what I've done this week people make mistakes and hopefully the mistakes I've made aren't going to harm me in the end.

Great Post Katie, I speak only for myself when I say I felt some of the exact feelings pre surgery.

It is one day at a time, If you blow it one day, you start back the next day, the good thing about the band is it lets me know when I have eaten too fast, or taken too big of a bite or did not chew enough, I am always more aware of the foods you put in my mouth wiith your band,

In the beginning I was the model bandster, 1 year ago today I had my surgery and I'm not the model bandster I have had my bad days, I am far from perfect. Seems since I have lost 85 lbs I have gotten off track, but everytime I have a bad day, I know there is always tomorrow.

You will do great! Have faith in yourself, between you and your band working together, you will have success

Katie, do you feel like you're on a roller-coaster of emotions? Please just try to take it one day at a time. Get through that day, then go to the next one. You can do the pre-op instructions! And you won't reach 400! Working with your band, you have a wonderful happier, healthier life waitng for you and your family to enjoy. Best of luck to you!

Well written. you sound pretty darn normal to me! I helps to write it out, doesn't it? I was surprised how much I needed to do my 10 day countdown thread. I just kept writing and journaling my crazy thoughts and it will be good to get past all that...it's just part of the process. You will do fine. Follow the rules, just to be safe, and you will get that band next week. MONDAY!!! Oh my gosh, it's coming like a freight train!!! GO KATIE!

Hey Katie, I think what you are going through is pretty normal. I know I was a wreck for several days. I mean, I was a take-some-valium-for-gawd's-sake-woman sort of wreck.

And as for having subway, you didn't have one of those 6 foot long sandwiches by yourself did you???? If not, give yourself a break; be kind to yourself. It isn't like you went to McDonalds and ate 12 double quarter pounders, right? (oh the thought makes me ill, sorry about that)

You have obviouly done a lot of thinking about why you are getting the band. You've been fairly active on LBT, I think you will do just fine.

Again, be kind to yourself.

I'm having alot of the same issues, sure nice to hear I am not the only one. I have made a great list of questions for Dr. Hennessey on Tuesday. Thought I could do the insurance required 90 days of meridia, but I'm just done, why take another diet pill to loose then gain all plus more back. I am just paying cash to get things rolling. Didn't quite think it would go this fast. As soon as CASH was said, the banding date was set. Depending on how many fall off the wait list between now and Tuesday will tell if I go in on the 20th or 21st. I have no idea about the liquid diet, that is going to be the hardest for me before and after. What about traveling. I am scheduled to be out of town for work the first 3 weeks in May. only 3 days of the week, but I'm worried about that too. I guess we can worry about everything, I am. I am looking forward to figuring out this site, I will not have alot of support here, not too many people know, and husband doesn't know what to think.

no matter if we know you or not you will always find support here!