This is taking some courage to post, but I know I have to if I'm ever going to get through this. I just typed this in my FitDay diary:

Didn't weigh myself today. Will tomorrow. It's the weekend and my period will be over by tomorrow. Every. Effing. Day. I have to remember that food is the enemy. Food is the *** enemy. The enemy. I can not eat sugar or carbs and expect to get through the rest of the day intact. Last night sitting at the computer I "allowed" myself SIX Peanut Butter cups followed immediately by FIVE Oreos and a glass of milk. What the F was I thinking? WAS I thinking? Am I addicted? That's not a binge by many people's standards, but I shouldn't be going anywhere near PB cups or Oreos. Ever. That way lies 300 lbs for me. WHY do I want to go back there? It's failure, disaster, embarrassment, humiliation, despair. I can have health, beauty, energy, clothes that fit, grace, flexibility, accomplishment, success, peace. Why do I do this to myself???

Ugh, that's brutally honest and really captures the morning-after blues. (Those were *mini* PB cups, by the way.) I seriously feel like I'm engaged in a battle, one that banded or not I will be engaged in for the rest of my life. :huh2:

Edited April 27, 200818 yr by Alexandra

Very Well put MacM .

I agree with you about treats. I was at the store the other day with my 7 yr old and he's always asking me for this and that to get for snacks.

Instead of junk he asked me for strawberries, I said sure .

eventually the healthy eating rubs off on everyone i think.

I also get upset now with my friends when i see them giving their kids candy as "rewards" or "treats" as you say . I know people who have HUGE Candy BOWLS in their house for the kids. Clean your room you get to pick something from the candy bowl. Be good you get candy when we get home ! What is that teaching them ?

Why not , be good you will get a piece of fruit ? People wonder why half of america is over weight ?

Hopefully by changing the way i eat my kids will as well and they slowly are moving to "healthy "

Mindy

We had a pysycologist (working on her PHd) visit our support group last week. She is specializing in weight loss surgery patients and she put it very precisely. The Dr. can add the band to our stomach's but we have to add a band to our heads. Sometimes that takes some counseling to help with that band. After listening to her I know that if I find my head band slipping I will definately go in for a readjustment of that, just as well as I will if I feel that my lap band might have slipped. I feel the reason I am heavy is I am/was co-dependent on food, and that is what I know I need to always be aware of. The lap band limits how much we eat, the head band limits what we choose to eat.

Alexandra,

I've been searching for the same answer for the better part of a decade.

Why we do it....is it an addiction? It may be.

I know I have been in the middle of a mini "binge" KNOWING I should not be doing it.......AS I was eating the whatever.

Then I have moments/days, even weeks of total control and clarity regarding healthful eating and living.

Journaling is good. Keep that up in your fitday.

Hopefully oneday there will be an answer.

Thank you all for the wonderful support and thoughts. I agree with everything, and know full well how that inner dialogue goes. For quite a long time I was on top of all of it, and it's absolutely glorious when it all comes together. There is nothing like that feeling of knowing you're in control, and achieving goal after goal as the pounds fall away. And at such times, putting away the dieter mentality is easy. Not fighting with food is wonderful; feeling ready and able to move at all times is a miracle. I know it, I've been there, and it absolutely is marvelous.

All of what you say, MacMadame, is absolutely true and was the way I lived for years. And I want it back. That's why I started this thread--because I want to remember how that felt and internalize it again. Talking about it here, and journaling, is going to get me there.

Alex, Your very courageous for writing that . I was just talking to a friend of mine about the "Battles" we face as bandsters yesterday .

First let me ask you this . And dont take it the wrong way ... Why do you have those things in your house if you know you cant control yourself around them ? Personally I dont have those things in my house because I would do the same thing. So I just dont buy them . NOW dont get me wrong , I do not think what you did was that horrible and I dont think I personally would consider it a binge . You can move on from this . But if you know there are things you just cant be around and control yourself over i would suggest you just dont bring them in your house. PB cups , oreo's , cakes, those things I would not do well with in my house. I tell my husband IF YOU Want those things, fine, get them and eat them BEFORE You come home.

Again I dont think your "Binge" was off the deep end by any means.

I think its ok to have "treats" For ourselves every now and then if we know we can stop . Personally i tend to eat those treats in front of other people becasue im more likely to stop myself at just one with "witness' " LOL

I dont know we will do this for the rest of our lives ? Maybe we will ?

My friend and I were talking about counseling for these things that maybe that is what we need ?

Im not sure if I helped but i certainly can listen

Mindy

You know sometimes when i get really really upset the first thing i do is run to food.. something that 'makes me feel better'..... Never realized it until a week or so ago... but sometimes it is so hard to manager anger when u think a twix candy bar will make u feel better.... It is my own mind set.. now the pb cups omg.... a friend of mine bought some sugar free pb cups and i was like uhhh no thanks... that crap is going to be nasty... then i wanted some chocolate really bad.. so i ate 2 now after the first one i was like this is not bad the 2nd one and was like this is pretty good.. then she said ohhh yeah they are made with sugar liquor or something that will send u to the bath room... and i was like what.... but hey i figure if i have a craving for it i will eat a few sugar free pb cups and thats it.. knowing that they will send me to the bathroom stops me everytime...lol.. but it kills the craving... now only if cupcakes did the same thing...lol.. but it is hard freekin work and it is a battle that u have to fight every darn day..... but i am going to win this fight because i refuse to make food my captain....:laugh:

It is good to know that we share similar struggles. I have been battling the mental/emotional hunger thing lately. I am at a perfect fill level but went to the doctor two weeks ago asking to have some taken out. It was an interesting visit. The PA asked if I thought I was too tight, experiencing reflux, etc. She could not figure out why I wanted to be unfilled. Then, I said, " I just want to eat!"

She told me that she would do whatever made me feel comfortable but that she could tell I was having problems getting my mind in line with my stomach. She told me she was hesitant to do it because I lost 10 lbs since my last visit 4 weeks ago and she didn't want me to have too much taken out and gain weight. I laid back on the table having 2nd thoughts the entire time...Then, just as she was getting the needle ready..."STOP!" I said. I changed my mind. (Dang, a wasted co-pay!!!)

I am looking forward to this week...to slowly making some mental changes...I bought a box of 100-calorie pack Hostess Carrot Cake cupcakes two days ago...6 packs come in a box...I ate 3 packs today alone!!! On one hand, I am glad they were just 100 calories a piece, but on the other hand, I wish I would have exercised more self-control. I have decided not to buy them anymore. I am definitely going to try the whole "PRETEND I ATE IT ALREADY" thing.

I feel you, Alexandra. I struggle with this on an almost constant basis. I had nearly a 2-month stretch, here, where I did not eat like I should have been doing. And when I say that - I LOVE sugar, I LOVE any kind of carbs. Fried stuff, you name it. I love it all. It really takes kicking myself in the rear to not do that. I'm so used to thinking, "That sounds good - I should go eat it." And usually going on automatic and just DOING it.

I have found for me that the only way I keep from those destructive behaviors is by keeping myself busy. This way I don't get a chance to even THINK about that stuff. It's when I get bored that it makes it that much easier to eat that stuff.

OK, and if you don't believe me because of how much I have lost so far, let me give you an example. God, this is so embarrassing. This past Saturday I was at home by myself. (*cringe, cringe, cringe*...here goes nothing) I ate 2 Boston Creme Rolls, a package of Swiss Rolls, and two packages of little chocolate chip muffins. Yikes. This was over the course of a couple hours, of course, but so BAD! But I have found that I CANNOT beat myself up if I am to get back on the wagon and keep moving forward. I just basically had to ignore it, chalk it up to being human, and get back on track the following day.

Shit happens. Don't feel bad about it. Just make a new choice. Each moment brings a new opportunity for a different choice.

Sometimes I think these cravings are our body's way of wanting to trick us into putting the weight back on! You know, like when I used to lose 20 lbs. pre-band days and sail along pretty happy, then all of a sudden my body would say, hey FEED ME, I want that weight back, and it comes back!

Thank goodness we have the band, this helps us get this under control.

It's a constant learning process.

One thing I find odd, when a skinny person Pigs Out, it's no biggy. When it happens to us, we freak out!!

We are human. These things are going to happen.

I make the hubby put all the junk food on his bureau. If I sneak into it we know know about it!

"I honestly believe it's one of the reasons I have this sense of entitlement--now that I'm an adult, says my subconscious, no one can say NO and I can indulge at will. My inner deprived child comes out sometimes, I guess."

that is EXACTLY my issue as well. Even now, my husband will ask me if I'm counting calories (he's trying to be supportive), and I just get so angry. It's not his fault, but my inner child feels like he's saying "no".

I don't blame him, I gained about 20 lbs in the 6 months after our wedding, and then buckled down in January and lost it, and now I'm almost back to where I was in the beginning of January after being unfilled for 6 weeks. I told myself I wasn't going to go nuts, and I didn't go too crazy but I did have too many things that had previously made me stuck. Thank goodness I have a new fill, hopefully that will help me buckle down again..

I said this on another thread. I like to treat myself like a willful 2 year old. A sense of entitlement - it goes like this: "I DESERVE this." Hahahaha.

I don't think I'm addicted to food at all. I think I'm addicted to getting my way, and that somewhere "my way" turned into eating non-stop. That has changed.

I worry a bit about people who believe they are addicted and helpless in the face of food. .

Personally, I do believe that food can be an addiction. It took me years to realize it. I eat for the same reasons alcoholics drink or drug addicts get high. It's no different. I'm medicating myself instead of dealing with my "issues". I don't believe I'm powerless over food, but there are moments of weakness. It's a struggle every day for me as well. Once I'm off of my "trigger" foods (so to speak), I don't really want them. If I ever start back up again, it's hell trying to get back off. There are some foods that cause an actual physiological reaction that I have a hard time controlling. Now that I'm banded, I'm having to deal with my issues in a different way. I've been very stressed the last few days and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I was irritable, felt exhausted, and just basically wanted to climb the walls. In the days following my surgery I had felt great. I finally realized my problem was that I couldn't eat away my stress. I couldn't turn to food in the way I used to. I really haven't been that hungry yet, but I want something. I've basically been "white knuckling" it through my stress. As I get stronger and fully healed, I plan to use exercise as my stress reliever. I love to play sports and have already signed up for a summer softball league at church. I want to run again. Staying active is the only thing that keeps me from binging some days. I love what someone said about the doc can add a band to your stomach, but you have to add it to your head. That is so true!

Thanks for all of your posts. It's reassuring to know there are others who have the same struggles. Some of the posts were very personal and that took guts. Just know that you are helping others when you share. Good luck to all on this amazing journey!

I completely understand. I want to blame my band. It isn't tight enough!! The truth is, though, I am doing what I never thought I would...I am finding ways to eat more than I should. Drinking while I am eating, eating the WRONG foods, etc.

So, while my ticker may say I am 176.5, this morning I was 188. 12 pounds!! Gained. GAAAAAAAHHHH!

I really need to get my ass in gear, which includes taking it to the gym. I really need to remember that I never want to be that person I was again. Ever. I need to do better, for me.

Intellectually, I knew there might come I point like this in my journey, but it still sucks. It is hard to make myself think about the fact that this is a battle that I will have to face for the rest of my life.

I thoroughly believe that I AM addicted to food. Unlike other things you can be addicted to, you can't quit food cold turkey. Can you imagine a meth addict only getting a little meth a day? No, no, you can't have this big buffet of meth that everyone else is enjoying. Instead, you can have the low-carb, light version, on that teeny-tiny plate. Really. I fully believe that. I am physically and chemically addicted to food, to gluttony even.

I guess I better start with today.