Has anyone else had this problem, and if so, how can I reassure? The situation is, I have been seeing this great guy for about 4 months now- He is only one of 4 people that I trust enough to tell about my upcomming surgery, and he is my biggest supporter. My big problem is, that he was crushingly hurt in a past relationship, by her wanting to be an irresponsible carefree "teenager" again, and went back to the party scene, leaving the family behind.

Now, that I am doing this for my health, and to look on the outside the way I feel on the inside,:tt1: he is petrified that when I loose weight, that I will want to "be young again," and he is afraid that his relationship history will repeat itself, and leave him, to join the party scene. I have told him that I am not one to party, or hang out in bars.

How can I rassure him that I am not going to change who I am- just what I look like, and how I feel about myself?

You know you will change. You will be happier, healthier and therefore more confident. It will show up in your relationship. I don't think you can heal your boyfriend, it sounds like he has been through a lot. You ought to suggest he read a good 'fix-it' book for guys, while you are fixing your health. Just my 2 cents.

Let him know that you are doing it for your health so you will be around long enough to enjoy time with him and also remind him to trust you enough to prove him wrong. Be prepared because he might end up trying to sabotage your efforts.

I agree with the other ladies...this is a lifestyle change to improve your health and quality of life, not an extreme makeover to attract a younger, better looking guy. He needs to trust you and support you and if you love each other, it will all work out. Good Luck! Cathy

Long2bfree- I know he wont sabbotage my efforts- I have too much into this to let anyone ruin it for me. He is my biggest supporter in this- he's just afraid to be hurt again. I have told him that I am NOT his ex, and never have been anything like her. That is comforting to him, knowing that the party scene isnt anything I have ever been into. I am a mother of 2, and am much more responsible than she ever was. He knows this!

Thanx for the encouragement and warnings!

Well U will change. Once u really really feel good on the inside and the outside at the same time... ohhh baby wil u change.

1. U will get more attention from the opp. sex.

2. You will become more outgoing.

3. You will love and take care of yourself more so in other words... if he is already on the track that you are going to be on.. then there shouldn't be a problem but if he is not eating healthy he wont have a buddy in u to eat out late with anymore.. because your focus will change and your need for food will change also... That is what he is prob. afraid of....

I agree with Long -- remind him that you are doing this for YOU and your health -- and it isn't going to change the person you are inside. Ask him if he is going to love you less if you are skinny? Obviously the answer will be no -- so why would it think you'll care less about him just b/c your skinny. I think though you also need to be honest with yourself (not that I am implying you are not being) but I see you're only 30 -- do you think there is any truth to his concerns? Do you think you may want to "take your new look out for a test drive" so to speak. I am 33 and I can tell you honestly, as I get skinner I am getting a lot more attention, frankly for the first time in my adult life -- and I am loving it -- so being in a committed relationship would be tough for me right now. I haven't just dated in so long so I am liking seeing what I missed in my 20s. Just one person's opinion -- best of luck -- let us know how it goes.

When I went to my consult I was given a packet with a section from The American Society for Bariatric Surgery (American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery) in their Rationale for the Surgical Treatment of Morbid Obesity it says "Postoperatively marital satisfaction increases, but only if a measure of satisfaction existed before surgery. If marital discord exsisted before surgery, the improved self image of the patient may lead to divorce postoperatively."

There you have it. If you have a good realationship now it will get better, if you don't, it won't. How can your guy argue with that?

How can I rassure him that I am not going to change who I am- just what I look like, and how I feel about myself?

I once told my husband of 21 years that I could never have an affair because I'd have to buy all new lingerie (it's a girl thing).

He remembered. T'otherday, he mentioned that maybe it's time for a new beau, because "me bloomers" are looking more like parachutes lately.

So he DOES hear me when he wants to.

Hey there, I know how you are feeling, I have been with someone on and off for five years now, we met when we were sophomores in high school and have been inseperable ever since. We have had a lot of "relationship" issues, but we are always still best friends and he is always my #1 person to go to with any problems or anything and has been since I was 15. He doesn't understand what it is like to feel uncomfortable in your own body. He is very attractive and in great shape, and always has been. He is in a band and constantly has beautiful, skinny girls throwing themselves at him (hmm one of the causes of our "problems") He gets ripped on a lot for being a "chubby chaser" but simply likes girls with a bit more meat hehe. When I first told him about all this back in September he was like, "so are you gonna be skinny??" as if he didn't want me to be. He then called me selfish! It was so strange of him, he is always so supportive of me. I haven't told him that I am actually going through with it now. I know he is afraid that if I loose weight I will finally get fed up with his "antics" and leave him, friendship and relationship, for good. Our men will just have to appreciate when good things happen for us!!! When mine joined a really popular band with a recording contract and a tour schedualed for the summer, I knew it would bring "temptation" and probably a rift in our relationship, but I was supportive and I tried as hard as I could to be open minded and think of how this is going to benefit HIS life. I'm still his best friend and I don't want to hold him back from something that could change his life. Your boyfriend, and mine, should understand that its not their job to hold us back either. I hope everything goes well with you!!!

Allison

Edited April 19, 200818 yr by Allison

Thank you, everyone for your support and advice! Before we met, we had been talking on the phone for 2 months. Then we began to describe ourselves.. He's, well, tall, dark and handsome, and really in shape. Then I described myself- long pause on the other end.. He then told me that he is attracted to "small women" (he was trying to be nice about it). BUT then in his next breath, he said "but, you know, I love you for who you are, and what you look like dosent matter."- over the next few weeks, the conversation has gone back to that matter, and he indicates that I have shown him what true love is, and what I look like wont' change the way he feels about me. Never has he said "well, someday you'll be thin, with the surgery" He actually was very concerned that I was doing this for HIM so, I could make him happier being thin- I told him that I am doing this for ME- and that I had started the process before we met, so that made him more comfortable- 2 months later, and we are doing great together- He actually thanked me for not being a skinny thing, because it has taught him that it dosn't matter what you look like, but what' s inside that matters- This never would have happened if we had met in person before talking online and on the phone for 2 months before we met. THat's why I know he's a keeper- he has converted from beign a person to judge someone by their looks, to looking at the person from the inside first, and loving them for who the are. We thank God everyday for bringing us (soulmates in the truest way) together!

Bandme08,

Awww, he sounds very nice.

FOR Allison :what all happened on your psych evual? I have mine of 4/28, along with a chest x-ray, gallbladder ultra sound, EKG, and a Breath Tek test. I have no idea what the Breath Tek test is either?

Thanks,

Brandi

They just ask you some questions and make sure your not doing this for the wrong reasons and such its not too bad. I'm not sure about a breathing test maybe to make sure you don't have asthma or something? Good luck

Everyone here has great advice, but you can only say so much with words. You wont actually be able to reassure him with words, your actions will do so much more for him then you will ever imagine. On the surface your words will pacify him, but that dark park of a mans brain will always want that reassurance in actions not words. In time he will see that you mean it and slowly that dark spot will brighten and he will realize you spoke the truth.

Give him time sweet heart, he will come around fully. Let him have his moments of doubt, hold his hand through them and show him (along with telling him) he is the one for you. You will see his confidence rise along with yours, it will be a wonderful thing.