As I get closer and closer to my consultation and surgery date, I’m really starting to have all of these mixed emotions that I didn’t think I would be having.

I started off feeling so happy about my decision. I was so elated that everything worked out- that my parents and friends approved of my decision, that I managed to come up with the finances to get this done, and that I found a close doctor that did it for a semi-affordable price.

Suddenly, yesterday I started having mixed feelings. Maybe it’s because I’ve been sitting at home for the past week with nothing to do except think about the decision I’ve made.

I started feeling so anxious and sad. What if I get this done and I’m miserable? What if I get seriously depressed afterwards because I can’t comfort eat? I started to worry so much, that I got a panic attack that wouldn’t go away.

About an hour later, I saw that the MTV show “I Want A Famous Face” was on, and I immediately began watching.

The episode was on a girl who wanted to look like Carmen Electra. This girl was gorgeous… she had a great body, a beautiful face, and nice hair. Most girls would love to look like her.

This girl’s self-image was so screwed- she kept on saying how her goal in life was to look like Carmen Electra to make the guy she is seeing happy. She also said that her ultimate goal was to eventually get on the cover of Maxim magazine. She mentioned that her last boyfriend always told her she was fat and ugly. Obviously, his words stuck with her.

She then went on to talk about the relationship she had with this new guy- she stated that he wasn’t really her boyfriend, just someone she dated a lot. She emphasized that her goal was, by getting implants, to make him want to be her boyfriend.

She went on her consultation with a plastic surgeon, and asked to have size D implants, her nose redone, lip injections, and lipo. When she mentioned getting the breast implants, the guy she’s dating just started smiling like crazy. In almost every scene they showed this girl in, she was crying hysterically… you could tell that she really didn’t want to get the surgery done… you could tell she just felt like she needed to fix herself to get her boyfriend’s approval. Anytime she asked his opinion, all he could imply was how much better she would be after her implants… he never once re-enforced the fact that he already found her attractive… instead, he gave the impression that she needed to be fixed.

The night before her surgery, they showed her laying in bed with the guy she was dating, crying. She said to the guy she was dating, “So what happens after I get implants..?” (Implying that once she got implants, he would be her boyfriend because she was suddenly “better” and “more desirable” as a girlfriend). He just got this nasty smirk on his face and said, “We’ll see what happens.”

After the surgery, the girl just looked miserable and sad, and the guy never once asked how she was feeling, never acted caring, just went on and on about her breasts. He even made comments insinuating that since she’s gotten implants, he’s been reconsidering her as a girlfriend more.

This show made me think about the way society makes females my age feel. I don’t know about EVERY girl my age, but most females I know feel the need to be “fixed” in some way- they need implants, lipo, etc. just to feel better about themselves. It’s just so screwed the way girls feel these days, and it’s something that no man would ever understand. And deep down inside, no girl wants to feel that way. No girl wants to have plastic surgery to fix herself… we want to feel beautiful the way we are.

Deep down inside, I think that most females in their late teens-20's nowadays feel this way. Our boyfriends ogle at these perfect women, and we feel like we need to be like them to feel okay with ourselves. They think they're not harming anything, as long as they're coming back to us and telling us they love us. But it still hurts us inside. We feel like in order to have our boyfriends, society, whoever- accept us, we need to be fixed, altered, perfected, etc. We’re made to feel that if we’re fixed and perfect, we’ll be loved so much more, we’ll be found so much more attractive, society will accept us, and we’ll be successful.

If you’ve ever seen an episode of “I Want A Famous Face”, then you know what I’m talking about. And the goals of all these girls are insane- they all want to have plastic surgery so that they can hopefully one day make it into the pages of “Playboy”, “Maxim”, or whatever other magazine that features skanky, half-naked, airbrushed girls.

With my surgery coming up faster and faster, I’m beginning to notice more things that I’ll need fixed after I lose weight- my breasts might get smaller, saggier, whatever, so I’ll feel the need to get implants. I might need a tummy tuck, a body lift, whatever.

And it scares me. I don’t want to feel like that girl. I don’t want to feel like I need to be perfected. I just want to feel beautiful being me- a healthier, natural me. I want to feel like I’m the most beautiful person my boyfriend has ever seen. I don’t want to feel “faulty”. I don’t want to feel inadequate. I don’t want to feel like I’m somewhere in the rankings way below some stripper he saw months ago in a club or some hoe in Maxim or Playboy, or some celebrity made of plastic. I want to be happy with myself. I want to be loved for the person God made me, not for who I am after I'm fixed.

I guess that the closer I get to surgery, more of my insecurities are coming out. These are insecurities I have left over from childhood, when I felt hideous, ugly, and beyond hope. It never even occurred to me that I was even slightly attractive until after High School. It's funny considering the fact that during HS I had done some plus-sized modeling, and had even won a modeling contest for a Chicago radio station. I've had many offers to do modeling, but I've always felt too fat and ugly to even go through with it. I felt like they'd laugh if I showed up as their "model". It's crazy how, no matter how many people tell you you're beautiful, you can still feel ugly.

I guess I’m just scared. Scared about what emotions this surgery will bring up, scared that I’ll never feel happy deep down inside no matter how beautiful & healthy my body becomes, and scared that I’m making the wrong decision. Don’t get me wrong, I’m doing this surgery because I’ve tried diet after diet after diet since I’ve been 9 or so. And yes, I’ve lost weight, but I gain it right back. I want to be happier, healthier, etc. Those were my initial goals when pursuing this surgery. I want to be able to run up stairs without gasping for air. I want to feel like I’m 21, not 51. I want to feel confident enough to enjoy myself at clubs, at the beach, walking down the street. I want to live longer.

I’m just scared that I’m also doing this because I feel like I need to be fixed, just like that girl on TV.

...I'm sorry this was so long... I just needed to share this, and I thought this would be a good place to do so since I'm sure we're all going through similar emotions.

Two Thumbs Up Journaling! Well done, and very good insight. I'm sure you will get great responses and find out how normal and well-balanced you are. Very good idea to check your motives on getting banded.

Personally, I feel stuck both emotionally and spiritually because I am stuck physically at Obese. I feel like I can't grow bigger until I can cross some eating hurdles and grow smaller. Then there's my health. I'm a bit older, I'm married, have 2 lovely young children, a home, and I'm living my future. So many of my issues are different from yours, you having your future ahead of you (coming from my perspective, and those older than me) However, I still struggle with why I can't just feel attractive and love me now. Perhaps I don't struggle quite as deeply. For me I just want this nasty weight off so I can get ON with it!! I love this post and can't wait to hear the replies!

Thank you for sharing this Trooper. Your essay has given me quite a lot to ponder. From your post, I would say you are definately not like that gurl on TV. You are not doing this to please a boy-oh, you are not doing this for socity, you are doing this for yourself. And that, my dear, makes you different.

I know from my own experience that I have gone though a wide range of emotions myself. I certianly haven't felt the need to "fix" myself, but then I'm comfortable with who I am, what what I've done with my life. But I'm not your average bear...

I know that in the week or so before I was banded I was in near panic, so talk about your mixed emotions!

and I never appoligise for a long post!

A very very very wise person once counseled me on this very subject. You need to examine WHY you are having fear. Is it fear of the actual surgery date, if so, postpone it till you are ready. Is it fear of emotions, if so, then grab yourself up by the Lane Bryant garter belt and go get it done girl! You will feel better. But definitely listen to your heart and not your desperations. I truly believe feelings, true gut feelings, come to us for a reason. I may not have always listened to it in the past but I thank goodness that someone has reminded me that gut feelings are to be listened to.

I wish you speed in your decisions and opinions about the band. No one can decide what to do but you!

Jenna

There's a lot of wisdom in your post, all of it yours. What you're thinking about is very normal, and it's great that you can give it voice so you can examine this from all angles.

Dear Chattrooper

To me, you don't sound like the kind of person who was on that show! I just had my surgery 10 days ago and I can honestly tell you that I feel so happy and it definately shows. I have been struggling with my weight for many years and now I know that is really going to happen! I did it to SAVE my life. I also want to feel good about my appearance, and I know that I will. This is a health thing for all of us and I only wish that you could think of it that way. I think that as the day of your surgery approaches, you will be more excited than nervous! Try to think positive - this is a good thing that you are doing!

Eileen

I just wanted to post a guys views. First of all, the image of a perfect woman, as distributed and promoted in mainstream media is the same ideal men are trained to view as perfect as well. This perfection is so far from the truth that it makes me mad! Very,very few will ever meet this proposed view of perfection. Guys that are searching for this proposed view of perfection are going to be looking alot, be very disappointed, and to me, seem to be very vain. The guys that go for these perfect girls seem to be womanizers also, generally speaking.

What the surgery should be about--is you..... not what your view of you is thru anothers eyes. If you want to loose weight so you look better to you or so that you have more energy,or that you will be healthier and possibly prolong your life or feel better about yourself thereby gaining self esteem--then go for it. If you are doing it for another person's accolades or acceptance--then don't. For me, I felt that I was feeling good about who I was, but felt I could do better--be better. I got fed up with feeling tired, looking less then I felt I could be and also wanting to do more with life--so I had the surgery. Just 4 weeks after surgery I am feeling better-feeling more agile and mobile, taking better care of myself and thankful for the decision I made. I care more about how I look than before and my self esteem is slowly rising.

Before surgery, I was crying (yes I truly am a manly man-that rarely cried), worrying if what I was doing was really necessary,worrying about the what ifs of surgery, and really had an emotional rollercoaster ride. I think anytime a person does something that affects their appearance and their self-esteem, its gonna have an emotional responce as well. If a person did not doubt whether they needed or wanted the surgery, then I would worry about that person-are they taking this seriously and ready to make the necessary changes to work with the band. If a person waits till they are totally doubt-free, then I don't think 99% of the people here would have a band. Getting a band is a calculated risk-you have risk of surgery, you have risk of band complications, you have future unforseen risks. But those risks weighed against the risks of being obese, the many other serious diseases that manifest in obese persons, the shortened life of an obese person made the band seem like a great risk to take verses the ones I was living with everyday already.

Only you can make the decision if it is right for you, only you can decide if the risks of the band outweight the risks you currently have or may have in the near future. But most of all be sure you decide because it is something you want, not because your parents, brothers,sisters, bestfriends, boyfriends,girlfriends, sons, daughters want it for you. It is great if all of the above support you in your decision, but don't make the decision about pleasing anyone but yourself. Yes this sounds selfish, but it is in a good way. You need to live with the band for your life so be sure you want it and will work with it.

So basically, if you yourself feel that you are comfortable with who you are but can be better with the band--then go for it. If you are looking for the band to make you something that you are not already- then I would think more deeply about who I am,what I want with myself and what makes me think that I am not complete already.

T

Tony - What a great post! Thank you!

Everyone has said just about what I was going to say, so I will just add that it is true that almost everyone goes through a lot of emotions not only deciding to have the surgery but actually having the surgery too.

I spent a couple of years fighting having WLS, always thinking I could do it myelf. I don't know why I thought that as everytime I would lose a lot of weight, I would only put it back on with more on top of it. If I had know how much better my life was going to be with the band, I certainly would have had the surgery sooner.

You are the only one that can make the decision if the surgery is right for you, but you need to do it for yourself, and not for someone else. It is a big stip to take, and it isn't the easy way out, but it is a great way to help yourself if you are ready to take that step.

Good Luck, and please let us know what you decide to do.

If you think you need to postpone the surgery and give it some more thought, then do that. There's nothing wrong with waiting until you're sure this is what you want to do. It's normal to have mixed emotions. There are so many shows right now pushing plastic surgery. Most of the individuals on these shows aren't happy with themselves. I wonder if getting things fixed or replaced is really going to help them. I don't know how much weight that you'd like to lose, but you're very young. It's possible that you'll be able to lose the weight and not have any problems at all with sagging skin. Best of luck on whatever you decide to do.

Hi,

I like your post and thank you for sharing your feelings. First, I would like to say if you have such deep thoughts. it is because you are doing this for the right reasons. Second, there is nothing wrong with wanting to "fix" yourself as long as you are doing it for yourself and not someone else. If someone has plastic surgery to please someone else, then they really need therapy like the girl you saw on TV. All that you are feeling is normal. I only wish the lapband was around when I was 21 so I could have had a more normal adult life.

Babs in TX