My weight loss is hurting my sister

[Kelgirl68 0]

My sister has always been a skinny b#$%* - damn her!:frown:

LOL... She lives in South Carolina, I haven't seen her in over a year but I'm anxious to see what she has to say when she sees me next. Granted she's 26 and will always look better than I do but it will be nice to at least maybe fit in one of her socks one day!!! :drool:

[Cerrin 3]

Well I have a friend who is kind of like a sister to me...She is completly NOT supportive of my surgery. She is the one who makes the snide comments and tells me how she loses her weight. And the different things she does to lose weight...not healthy either.

So when we get together we just dont discuss my surgery or my weight. It hasnt been an issue yet because I have not lost a bunch yet.

We have a standing dinner date on Friday nights. And when I get a fill I have to cancel because of liquids. So she still knows. But we just dont discuss how I am doing and she never comments on my progress. Most of my other friends continually make postive comments on how proud of me they are that I took the step. and that they can DEFINITLY see that I have lost weight...when I know I havent. lol

But I love them for it.

And a bunch of my skinny friends keep telling me that they have these great clothes for me when I hit X weight. So once I get to the teens and single didgit clothing I should be set. lol

But everyone is different...that is why we love them. I am sure she will be able to cope with my weight loss Eventually. just not right now.

[brandyII 9]

If your sister had lost her job and was basically in "the poor house" and you got a raise would you call her every time you bought a new dress to tell her about it. It's kind of similar in a way. I think that you can't change her but in order to keep a good relationship I'd skip the talk about weight loss because it probably bothers her inside, it would me too. I come from a large family so I know how dynamics can work in that area and sometimes you just have to keep it to yourself or share with someone else. brandyII

[lenore1890 0]

I suppose taking the high road would work if you were taking someones feelings into consideration. My sister has absolutely no problem telling me Im fat and that she worries about my health and it "saddens" her to see me letting myself become so obese and unhealthy. I know Im about to sound cold and callous here but let me just say that my family has MASTERED the art of manipulation. Ive went to my doctors a YEAR ago specifically to discuss weight options. Six different pills later and 3 months of weight watchers and Im up 40 POUNDS! Then to have her turn around and say Im letting this happen to me or Im causing it is infuriating! Shes not supportive of the band says to me that shes supportive of me becoming 800 pounds and living in a bed for the rest of my days. I cant win I tell you. Trying not to talk about it with her is like trying to alter the course of the heavens and all the stars. She brings it up. I feel like if I tell her anything Im actually doing concerning the band shell "Tattle on me and people will do the equivilent of sitting on my chest to keep me from getting it. It feels most days like they all WANT me to be fat. Maybe Im the only one feeling so outraged, but I mean seriously I can win. I DONT WANT TO BE FAT. I DID NOT CHOSE THIS FOR MYSELF. GIVE ME A BREAK PEOPLE!!! Oh thank god for therapists! lmao really guys Im not that insane I am just utterly frustrated on the subject of my family and weight loss. Sorry about the rant/vent.:thumbup:

[brandyII 9]

lenore1890,

It's always a situational thing. For you, you need protection from your family and I hope they live far away! My sister who was always the "thin pretty one" has put on weight at times, we're both in our mid to late 40s and have had kids etc... Anyway as soon as I got the lap band, and I've always considered myself the overweight on in the family out of five kids, she who is probably 60+ lbs less than I am started Weight Watchers immediately and every week would ask me how much I lost and started this weird competition with me, or at least it felt that way to me and others who I told this to.

I didn't want to compete with her, and resented it. Maybe I'm just a sensitive person but I can see where it goes both ways.

I hope I made sense, lol, brandyII.

[lenore1890 0]

Yeah I totally see where youre coming from. Were competitive in a lot of ways. We only within the last two years were able to mend our relationship to the point of civil communication. I think Im most hurt because I thought shed be in my court on this one. At a recent family function one member of my family was talking about weight loss surgeries and my sister was totally for them...at Easter I found out she was only for them for complete strangers. Its just weird thats all I was hoping shed help me bridge the gap from the dark ages to technological advances with my parents but as it turns out...thats just nto going to be the case. Ive decided to not tell anyone in my family and see if they notice at all. Her response just stung and my friends dont get it...I mean they are totally supportive of me and the surgery they just dont get that my family is totally unresponsive and in denial about the weight issue and not being able to do anything medically without surgical intervention. *la sigh*

[brandyII 9]

lenore1890,

It's too bad you don't get the support you need from your family but you've been able to find it elsewhere and this forum is also a place for support. We all have our histories as being overweight people and there's always going to be someone out there that can totally relate to what you're going through and that's the good thing. Just when you think you're alone there's someone out there that says, "yeah, that happened to me too" and it makes you feel so much better. And as someone once said we don't pick families but we do pick our friends. Good luck to you, brandyII.

[lenore1890 0]

Thanks BrandyII. I definitely feel better having vented and having my feelings validated and empathized. :thumbup: Let me knwo if I can ever return the favor

[bthin4me 0]

My sister and I are both overweight. Growing up she was always the bigger one. And now in adult hood and after four kids each and horrible eating habits, I am larger. A few months back we decided to get banded together. So on April 3rd thats just what we did. It is wonderful to be going through the same thing together. We can talk about it and definatly look to one another for support. I am hoping that through this process neither one of us has set backs or looses quiker than the other because I could definatly see where some jealousy could slip. I hope all of us can continue to do well in our journey as well as with friends and family!

[luvinke 0]

I understand you all completely, I have one sister that lost 100 pounds by starving herself, drinking and dancing at the club 3 nights a week. She has managed to keep the weight off for 2 1/2 years but now she is putting it back on because she has a man at home now so she eats a lot. Then on the other hand I have a sister that lost about 50 pounds and only kept it off for 3 months she has now gained 43 of the ones she lost back. I did not share my WLS information with either of them, but when I did mention about somebody I knew who had the band the sister that lost the 100 pounds talked about her cheating and not doing a traditional diet so of course you know I was thinking that when I lose all my weight at least I want have to stress about gaining it back like she is doing. Then the sister that lost the 43 pounds well we talk about our diet attempts and because she doesn't know about my band she is supportive so I feel like keeping it a secret from my family with the exception of my husband and kids (whom support me 110%) I made the right choice.

I guess in all I'm trying to say that we should pick and choose who we share the information with wisely as some more narrow minded individuals may think that we took the easy way but deep down inside we know how much work we have to put into it.

I am content at letting people guess what I'm doing on top of them seeing me change my eating and exercising habits. It's my life and I'm lovin it!

[ReadySteadyGo 8]

I am 2 months post-op. I’ve had amazing support from all the people in my life. There is a situation developing, though that is really bothering me. I have a sister that I’m very close with. Of the two of us, I’ve always been the heavy one. I still am, by far. But even though she’s been supportive from the start of this journey for me, I can tell that it’s becoming increasingly frustrating for her to hear of my successes. She has about 60 lbs to lose. She’s working so hard, exercising every day and trying to make good food choices. She’s having such slow success, and probably doesn’t want to hear that I’ve lost another 3 or 6 pounds. I try not to be obnoxious about it, but it has been amazing and thrilling for me to be losing this weight.

I’ve asked her if she’s bothered and told her to let me know if she needs a break from my talking about my surgery. She assured me she was fine, but admitted it’s frustrating sometimes. Well, I made the point not to mention it for several days (We talk multiple times daily on the phone.) and when I talked about trying to decide about my next fill, she seemed very distant. She always follows it up by talking about her weight loss efforts, as if she’s feeling the need to compete with me.

This is making me very sad. My sister is my best friend and I don’t want anything to come between us. At the same time, this weight loss journey is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, so it really bothers me that she’s having trouble with it. I want her to be happy for me and put any little jealousies aside. I don’t think she’d know what to do with herself if I became smaller than her. She’s never been bigger than me. (I’m older than her, so I really do mean never.)

She hasn’t seen me (except in photos) since my surgery as we live several hundred miles apart. I really want to get these uneasy feelings resolved. Anyone else have similar experiences or advice?

I just wanted to say that as much as this as her attitude hurts you, it hurts her more. You can't control feelings of jealousy, you can only try to ignore them and I am sure she has. If you are as close as you say she is probabley wishes those negative feelings would go away. Give her time to deal with it. If she hasn't said anything directly negative about you or your weight loss she is probabley doing the best she can to overcome these negative thoughts she doesn't want to have.

Talk to her. Remember to be understanding.

I hope this helps, but mostly I hope that in the end whatever you do stregthens the bonds of your sisterhood.

[brandyII 9]

lenore1890,

You've helped me and so many others have just by talking about the stuff that's hard to talk to others about, you know what I mean. We all help each other whether we know it or not, take care brandyII.

[lenore1890 0]

Well, I had my first appointment with the weight loss clinic Im working with today. They rock my socks. Im no longer worried about whether or not Ill get the support I need. Besides having a kick ass support group every other week the staff is awesome and extremely supportive. I mean my appointment was supposed to be like an hour long and they stayed an extra 30 min to make sure I had all my questions anwered and managed to book me all the appointments I needed within my schedule so I dont need to take time off from work. So if my family cant be behind me a group of complete strangers can! Wahoo! Im sure Ill hear similar stories from people in the support groups as well. Not to mention the uber nice people on this site!!! Like BrandyII. You guys are the best! Its so easy to lose sight of the reasons we do this stuff, and forget that what other people say doesnt matter because for once its all about us/me...well you get the idea. On this site and at the weight clinic I feel like a person and not a weight. I havent had that feeling in a long time. :crying:

So if you cant get love from the ones you love get love from the ones youre with tehe. :thumbup:

[Kat817 19]

My sister and I are both overweight. Growing up she was always the bigger one. And now in adult hood and after four kids each and horrible eating habits, I am larger. A few months back we decided to get banded together. So on April 3rd thats just what we did. It is wonderful to be going through the same thing together. We can talk about it and definatly look to one another for support. I am hoping that through this process neither one of us has set backs or looses quiker than the other because I could definatly see where some jealousy could slip. I hope all of us can continue to do well in our journey as well as with friends and family!

I thought about mentioning this before, and didn't--but there is a good chance you will lose at different rates. I believe it is something to discuss now, and avoid at all costs the competition thing!!!

My SIL and I went to get banded together. When we come back, my weight began dropping at the usual 2 pounds or so a week at first, and she was losing nothing! We went for our first fills together. Again, my weight slowly going down, hers still sitting. About that time my MIL begins badmouthing the band. So we go to 2nd fills. It hit both of us hard that small fill did. We both did pretty good losing, then mine began to slow as I approached the 70-75 pound mark. And she went for the 3rd fill, I didn't....she overfilled, and could not eat, nor even drink some days. But with that the weight began falling off! She lost HUGE amounts in nothing flat. Going from a size 24 to a size 8! Now she has had multiple fills and unfills, and now does them at home, and is constantly messing with it. I am not to goal--she is. I have only had the 2 fills. But now my MIL makes comments to me about my band not being successful, and how my SIL's is going to kill her. OMG!!! Mine has been successful thank you! I am down over 100 pounds, off of all RX meds....and doing great! Yes at the rate she is going this might kill my SIL. But it is her poor handling of the band, not the band itself. I believe she has slipped, but she said it checked out fine, and refuses to see a Dr. HOW is that the bands fault.

I cannot go to my inlaws anymore, without one of them asking how much weight I've lost, and comparing it to my SIL. They buy me clothes in a size 8. Even at goal, I will not be a size 8! They love trying to belittle me!

I personally chose way back to not mention it around any of them, but they did not let the issue lie. At first it was making me feel bad because I was having better results, and now it seems as though my results are not good enough for them! Well this is not their life! I am healthy! I eat real, food!

So if anyone---your family, hers, inlaws ANYONE tries to get the old competition thing started---NIP it in the bud NOW!!!!!!!!

You are different people, with different bodies, and you will lose differently! Accept it and Expect it! You can both be successful, and continue to support one another!

This is the first time in my relationship with my best friend that I have ever been smaller than she is. I don't think she has realized it has happen yet....and I am not gonna tell her!!!

Kat

[Prov31Wmn 0]

ShineyHappyMommy

I am very close to my sisters. They have not seen me since surgery and I can't wait to show them the new and improved me. Someone mentioned to just not talk about it and that its like rubbing salt in a wound. What is that about? For most people who have this surgery it is (or is fast becoming a matter of life or death) how could someone who loves you be anything but happy for you? I have learned that when it comes to my health I can't afford to be a people pleaser nor will I deny my right to feel good about myself for the first time in a long time. I prayed daily before I had this surgery and within that prayer I asked God for wisdom and strength; I believe he has supplied both. In the past I would have allowed negative jealous people to "rain on my parade"..but not now. Family, friends, co-workers, significant and insignificant others who cannot be happy for me and keep their negative opinions and jealousy to themselves will not be allowed to dampen my joy over my weight loss success. If your weightloss is hurting your sister it is not your fault and I would suggest that she deals with her jealousy issues and be happy for you. Does she not realize that this is not about her? It's about you and your health. Anyone who feels "hurt" by someone losing weight, getting healthy and feeling good about themselves is selfish. Instead of worrying about how much smaller you will be than her, your sister needs to figure out why she can't be happy for you. Envy and jealousy is unattractive in any size. Be happy and Celebrate every OUNCE that you lose!!! Don't let anyone take that from you.