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"T?was the night before Christmas" for Lapbanders
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"T’was the night before Christmas" for Lapbanders
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(With apologies to Clement C. Moore)
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T’was the night before Christmas, I’d binged through the house,
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I’d just emptied the fridge and I felt like a louse;
My XXXL pants were hung on the chair,
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They were getting quite snug, almost too tight to wear.
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So I put on my sweats, nestled deep in the blues,
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“I will never be thin”, to myself I did muse,
And as deep in depression I dolefully sat,
I accepted the truth: I would always be fat.
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When way up on the roof deftly landed two feet,
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Landed ever so lightly, the sound so discreet,
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That I just barely heard it, but wanted to see
What the source of this sound could potentially be.
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Away to the window I stumbled and shuffled
And got such a shock that my shout went unmuffled.
For right there on my roof, standing thin as a stick
And as fit as a fiddle was – that’s right - St. Nick!
Well, I stuttered and stammered – “Santa, you look great,
Please tell me your secret – how’d you lose all that weight?”
With a wink of his eye he extended his hand,
And he said, “Got two words for you, sonny – The Band!”
He waxed and effused and enlarged on the topic,
“A minor procedure – its all laproscopic!
A half hour under, then they seal you with glue,
And send you right back home, cause you’ve healing to do.
A few days discomfort, some passing of gasses,
You just drink Clear liquids – don't worry, it passes,
Next full liquids, then mushies, that’s your post op plan,
Then you’re chewing on solids within a month’s span.
Don’t swallow too quickly, that’s really a bummer,
Buy pineapple juice, it’s just like liquid Plumber,
And if the band loosens, just hang in there until,
Your doctor can see you and give you a fill!”
Then he hopped on his sledge like a spry little sprite,
And he headed off into the darkness of night,
As he vanished, I started, and yelled, “Santa, hey –
Where are all of those reindeer who pulled your sleigh?”
He laughed, and replied, sounding quite overjoyed,
“As of my last weight in, six are unemployed;
With the weight that I’ve lost, I have need of but two!”
Then I asked, ”and what present, St. Nick, am I due?”
As his voice trailed off, I could hear him say, “Well,
Have you got pen and paper? Take this URL
And check in here often, he said with aplomb,
‘cause this site is a gift, it's: lapbandtalk.com!