Kept it Quiet?

[It'sAlbright 22]

Hi! I am new to this forum, and have been working on all my pre-op stuff in order for surgery in June. I was wondering if anyone decided not to tell anyone about bypass surgery except their significant other (who supports my choice 100%). I just don't know if my family would be as supportive. I feel like they would think that surgery was the "easy way" etc. I am not sure I want that negativity. I am asking if the support of 1 or 2 people is enough to keep you motivated or if I should just tell my family.

[lizonaplane 1,613]

Some people have family being totally terrible. My family has been nothing but supportive and I've actually put it on FB, and only had one negative comment from someone who failed surgery. It's your decision. People will ask you once you start losing weight what you are doing. They will comment on what you eat (or how much you eat). You don't have to tell them the truth, but you have to figure out what to say when they ask you what's up.

But yeah, some people are jerks. Good luck!

[sugarbee24 73]

The choice is yours ultimately, if you think they will be negative then don't tell them. It really is no one's business but yours. If you need or want more support I suggest finding a surgery buddy, someone who is having the same surgery around the same time. I haven't had my surgery yet and I made a wonderful surgery buddy on this site, she has been very helpful even though we are still in the pre op phase. I personally told my family and figured if they didn't approve then they could take a hike! This is my health and no one is going to foul it up with small minded negativity. I can however understand not wanting to deal with the extra burden of negative remarks, you can always tell them later but you can't un-tell them.

[The Greater Fool 2,072]

Welcome to the forums.

I told my spouse who was 100% supportive. I told the CEO because important arrangements had to be made, and he was also 100%, and being a Doctor of Pharmacology, wrote a supportive letter to the insurance company. I told my parents, from whom I needed medical history, who were also 100% supportive.

I didn't tell our grown 4 kids, nor any other family. I wasn't particularly secretive as no family lived in the same area as us. Didn't tell anyone until they happened by and noticed I was missing a few hundred pounds.

This is the beginning of when we start worrying about our needs and feelings before anyone else's.

Good luck,

Tek

[I♡BypassedMyPhatAss♡ 808]

Welcome aboard! 👋

Everyone around me knows. My family is super close, and yes they're supportive and wonderful.

It's something you have to decide for yourself, because only you can predict how those around you might react. When the weight starts coming off and there's a dramatic difference, people will start to ask questions. So at some point people are probably going to find out. You just have to decide if it's better to tell them before or after. Will delaying telling them make them more upset (they might feel betrayed for you not confiding} or will seeing your weight loss prevent them from making negative comments (they won't be able to say it's just another diet to fail when they see your progress)?

I have a friend that had VSG in Mexico two years ago and she only told her husband and kids, and she went alone due to Covid. When she came back, some months later she told me, or rather showed me. We finally met for coffee and I didn't recognize her. I was shocked, but in a good way. We didn't get together that year until the end of summer, due to Covid. I was the only friend she told about her surgery, since I was a weight loss patient, she knew I would understand and support her. And she still hasn't told anyone else. Sure people ask questions about why she eats such tiny amounts, and I don't think they buy her "I'm just not hungry" line now, lol. They probably suspect, but they never bring it up.

Best wishes!

Edited April 5, 2022 by BypassingMyPhatAss

[summerseeker 2,415]

I told my hubby and son and my best friend, who I had the pleasure of meeting at infant school from school. They all knew I had struggled for years with loosing and gaining weight. I haven't told anyone else, my parents are dead and my sisters well - one would be jealous and one would try and find a psychiatric reason for my need for it. The rest of the world just doesn't bother me. I have a very pointy middle finger for them.

Edited April 5, 2022 by summerseeker
spelling

[Queen ApisM 427]

It is such a personal decision! Most of my friends know, as well as my immediate family and my husband's family. Everyone has been supportive (to my face, at least) and no one has given unsolicited opinions. Lots of questions, but I don't mind that at all. My extended family doesn't know - I don't live near them, and they are the unfortunate combination of gossipy and judgmental, so I didn't feel the need to broadcast it. I'm reaching a decision point, potentially, as I will see them for Easter in a few weeks. While I am still obese, by the time I see them I'll have dropped around 100 lbs, so I can't imagine someone won't realize I'm losing weight. I need to decide what I will say when they ask. I don't feel ashamed of surgery, and I want to be a good advocate for the procedure as an option for people so educating them could be good. But, I know I will be the topic of conversation (and probably conversation on whether I will keep it off or not this time) so I need to think through how to handle it.

In the end, you have to decide what will give you the best support. I have found having a good support network has been so helpful - they are happy for me and are good cheerleaders sometimes when I need it. But, if the people around you are likely to be toxic, then I would keep my mouth shut. You don't owe anyone an explanation and the potential impact of toxicity on your success is huge.

[catwoman7 11,285]

my immediate family knew, as well as my husband (of course) and a few close friends. Otherwise, I wasn't very open about it. I'm still not super open about it, but i do tell more people about it than I used to - although at seven years out, I really don't have to. Everyone has either already seen me since I lost all that weight, or they never knew me when I was obese.

[liveaboard15 1,294]

My parents know. Other peoples opinions are not my problem so i dont care if they support it or not lol. The purpose of the surgery is to better my life not theirs.

[It'sAlbright 22]

Thank you all for your feedback! I think I am going to look for a buddy here in this group and just continue my journey my way, and on my own time and terms.

[GreenTealael 25,622]

I only told my 2 emergency contacts beforehand. Years later I told my Mum who told everyone else 😂.

[sweetheart181 10]

Hi!!! I think this is a personal choice and it’s ok not to tell anyone until you’re ready. When I got my first surgery in 2008 I didn’t tell anyone but my mom and 1 friend. I didn’t want to tell anyone due to fear of failure and not really wanting to hear everyone’s opinions (2008 it wasn’t as acceptable and I was only 20). I slowly told other people but I still haven’t completely made it public. I don’t regret my decision as it was the right one for me.

Oh and I would also just tell people I’ve been having stomach issues if they were wondering why I hadn’t eaten much.

[Spinoza 1,526]

I'm a very private person generally so I have told my partner and children and nobody else, and I don't think I ever will. Totally my business and my choice. I won't tell a lie if asked outright but I will deflect - 'wow - what makes you think that?' etc. It would take a very determined and persistent questioner to get past me My life, and nobody else's opinions are necessary to validate my decisions thank you very much.

[toodlerue 463]

I told my family (brother & sister) because I knew they wouldn’t say anything rude to me - that’s just how we are. I told a few friends & if one of them asked about my weight loss I told them.
But I told my husband & daughters that under any circumstances while I’m still alive are they to tell his dad & brother! His family has always made us feel bad about the size of all of us & I just don’t want them knowing.
We saw his dad a couple weeks ago when my oldest was visiting. His girlfriend hasn’t seen me in a while. She kept calling me skinny mini & going on & on about how much weight I have lost. When she asked how I did it I just said by changing my eating habits & eating smaller portions. (That’s not a lie) I felt bad that she said anything because my older daughter is a big girl. She would love to have surgery but can’t afford it right now. I could tell that it was upsetting to her😿

[DaniVogel 5]

Two secrets:

I not only withheld my surgery; I also withheld that I went to Mexico to have it done. I have kept it to a very small group of 4 -- my 3 adult children and my mom. My kids were my emergency contacts and they knew about the surgery before I went. I went alone to Mexico due to Covid and it took me 2 months to admit to my kids where it was done. It was 4 months later that I shared both with my mom, due to not being able to predict her response (she was charmingly supportive). My mom and children have shared it with some of their friends and significant others. I have not told my siblings, best friend, cousins, or close co-workers.

About work:

My students have not really noticed. Coworkers are a mixed bag - some ask - one in particular who I am not close to brings up my weightloss A LOT. Almost everyone else just ignores it or compliments my outfits. I have had people come to me about weight loss advice and they have told me about how upset they feel. With an honest heart, I reassure them that they look wonderful to me. Since I am a teacher and gossip is constant in our school, I have chosen time and again to not share my journey.

The fallout:

One of my three children felt betrayed that I lied about where I was having my surgery - honestly this has put a real strain on our relationship. She is hurting, but she has to come to terms with this in her own time. I feel guilty for not telling other members of my family, but I am standing by my decision. I work very hard to stay body positive and I believe that all sizes are beautiful in others - I could not give this grace to myself. Am I going to continue to hold this as a secret? Most likely yes. If I ever have a man that I am serious about, I may confide in him. As time has worn on, I feel even less likely to tell people, not more.