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I feel like I have no familial support for my surgery.



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So, I’m around 6' - 6'2" 289 lbs and am scheduled to get a sleeve gastrectomy next week and my parents are understandably upset at me going through with the surgery as I had an uncle pass away while getting a similar procedure. I initially didn’t want to tell them because I knew it would worry them, but now that I’ve told them, they’re worried so much more than I anticipated. They don’t think I need the surgery and despite my motivation to use this surgery as a tool to lose weight, my parents think this is an irrational decision. It's gotten to the point where they're constantly gaslighting me, asking if I'm mentally okay, if I need help, etc. I strongly believe in the need to go through with this surgery, but it’s difficult going through with it knowing my parents are holding their emotions as a hostage to deter me from going through with it. I believe it's emotionally manipulative (citing that my decision will push them over the edge, causing them to go into a psychiatric ward, or something worse). There are other things they've told me like I'm not disciplined enough, not working hard enough, taking the easy way out, etc. I'm emotionally exhausted and I’m not sure how to navigate this. I don’t know if they’ll ever come around to accept my decision. What would you guys do in this situation? Should I do a conference call with my surgeon? I’m hesitant to do that, though (one parent irrationally threatened that he would sue the surgeon for going through with it). I just don’t know what to do. I know this is the right decision for me, but I just can't seem to understand their point of view. Any help is appreciated.

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I completely understand how you feel, when I had my gastric bypass surgery, my significant other was always trying to undermine my goals, my whole family ate unhealthy, I just kept telling myself that I had to do this for me and my health, the more I continued to build myself up and ignore them I became stronger, of course I had my weak days, but I would get back up, and shake it off and continue to work on myself, it worked!!!! I was 320 at the beginning of my surgery and I reached my goal of 135!!! You can do it!!!!

Sent from my SM-N976V using BariatricPal mobile app

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I would say ok you win, I am going to do what you wish and cancel the surgery. Then keep quiet and get the surgery. You can deal with the rest when its a fait accompli. No one should use emotional blackmail

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Guest

Hi man -

So here's the science: at your weight, you won't ever get to a 'healthy' weight by diet and exercise. Your parents may not know this.

They're from a generation where being gay was a mental disorder, schizophrenics were put in confinement, and doctors happily prescribed amphetamines for women going on vacation so they could work even harder with kids AND a husband to care for 24/7.

This doesn't excuse their abusive behavior. But you can only control how you react, you can't control their abuse. If they say they'll go to a psychiatric ward because their son is having needed metabolic surgery, repeat the sentence to them and ...

OK so what you're saying is that if I have needed surgery, you will go to a psychiatric ward? Well, that does actually sound like a good idea. I'll come visit, I promise.

Or throw it back. If they say you have no discipline, remind them they're the ones who claim they'll have a mental breakdown over their child having needed surgery. Is that discipline? Sounds weak to me.

... what I'm saying is: live your life. It's your life. F*ck them.

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Posted (edited)

29 minutes ago, summerseeker said:

I would say ok you win, I am going to do what you wish and cancel the surgery. Then keep quiet and get the surgery. You can deal with the rest when its a fait accompli. No one should use emotional blackmail

This is sneaky, I like it. But having surgery isn't something to be ashamed about, just wanted to say that too.

Edited by Guest

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I hate to say it but if that is where they stand right now you may not be able to get them on board within a week. I am not sure whether I would even continue to try if I were you. I know that their concern is coming from a genuine place but their expression is not rational or productive. And it’s not okay! My mom has pulled similar stuff with me and it has taken years in therapy to be able to set boundaries with her. Assuming you are an adult you need to be able to make your own decisions free from guilt and manipulation but a change like that will not happen overnight. This surgery is a big decision and it’s one that you should make for you. You don’t need their approval. If you need support, you have found a great source of it right here.

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Just now, ShoppGirl said:

I know that their concern is coming from a genuine place

I wouldn't be so sure. Unfortunately.

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1 hour ago, MiniGastricBypassDude said:

I wouldn't be so sure. Unfortunately.

This.

Sorry but the flags are SO red. Abusive, manipulative and controlling. No rational person threatens they'll lose their mind and go to a psychiatric ward over someone trying to fix a health issue. OR threatening to sue the surgeon for someone else's procedure they wanted. This is the abuser's version of a monkey flinging s**t at the walls.

Every single thing the OP says they've said screams control issues. Sorry OP, but as someone else said, find the support here. And don't let your family control you.

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Are you a minor or something? Me personally i dont care what anyone else thinks that includes family. If i am doing something to better myself then i will go with it regardless of what other people think. Not sure how they can sue the surgeon if you are an adult. If you have friends that are supportive those can be better than unsupportive family many times.

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Posted (edited)

Thank you all for the responses. To answer some of the questions I've received: I'm not a minor, I'm in my twenties. I originally didn't want to tell anyone I was getting this procedure done because I had a sinking feeling this would become the result and I was right. I went against my better judgment and listened to someone who suggested that it would be best to tell them. However, I feel so much better about the whole situation now that I've posted the struggles I've been having. I'm glad I have support here. I also now have support from my siblings and it's been extremely helpful. I truly questioned my sanity and now I've found solace within my conviction.

Edited by itami o

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4 minutes ago, itami o said:

Thank you all for the responses. To answer some of the questions I've received: I'm not a minor, I'm in my twenties. I originally didn't want to tell anyone I was getting this procedure done because I had a sinking feeling this would become the result and I was right. I went against my better judgment and listened to someone who suggested that it would be best to tell them. However, I feel so much better about the whole situation now that I've posted the struggles I've been having. I'm glad I have support here. I also now have support from my siblings and it's been extremely helpful. I truly questioned my sanity and now I've found solace within my conviction.

So glad to hear that you have the support of your siblings. To be honest, one person in your corner can be all you really need. Good luck on your upcoming surgery and keep us posted on your journey.

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We'll be your support system. 🤗You're an adult, you do what's best for you. WLS is NOT the easy way out. It's just a tool. You'll still have to do the work.

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Posted (edited)

I understand your need for wanting support, I also understand your thoughts for initially wanting privacy.

I don't think it would be a good idea you lie and say they win then do the surgery anyway. That gives the impression you're doing something wrong and YOU'RE NOT!.

I would tell them I respect their opinion but im doing what I feel is right for me then tell them you all can agree to disagree and don't need to discuss it any further.

I talked very little to my friends n family about my surgery 12/22 as I wanted to focus on my journey and did not want to always talk about the now and later of it.

Or be asked a bunch of questions everytime I talk to them.

It is ok to keep parts of YOUR LIFE PRIVATE.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey and look forward to your updates.

Edited by Missie21

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Guys, remember not everywhere is America. In some places, also those more familiar to you, family is a huge thing and people live at home well into their 20s.

In some cultures bringing shame to the family is a social death sentence.

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