@FluffyChix, @Sheribear68 @GreenTealael just a thank you for making me feel ok to write this post that I put off out of sheer exhaustion due to post exertional malaise from myalgic Encephalomyelitis chronic illness that effects my entire body life and self. And autism spectrum that makes me fear speaking openly in a forum. My words are not brief enough so I apologize in advance. And if I can’t stay on topic or veer in various directions too. This has been a long time coming a longer fight than my surgery alone.

I was reminded of my mom saying how when I was little I said something like what do I do when I get big and my clothes don’t fit as if I’d suddenly be grown up.

i had a very unexpected weight loss win that came upon me sudden and overwhelming. I’ve very little energy not due to surgery.

that’s a long story

but I’ve been trying to make my bedroom a real bedroom I’ve never settled in since moving and my bathroom finally is almost done being fixed and bought a nice MCM dresser for very cheap on Houzz but my ocd I needed drawer bins to organize myself. I had my clothes in plastic bins in the closet. (Another phobia)

After surgery I started to wear compression Capri shorts or pants both because they fit a size range, for orthostatic intolerance aka pots benefits and to hold in jiggle. I also wore oversized men’s t-shirts. I was always a denim and tshirt person. I don’t usually have a lot of clothing. I had a bin in my closet for a long time with brand new shorts that didn’t fit Levis I think size 6 and size small men’s tops. I had another bin with size medium compression bottoms that I got after surgery. And then the bigger siZes that were much too tight by the time I had surgery, I got exhausted getting too big for my usual denim shorts so fast. I buy when I find them cheap less than $10 no more than $15. I’m on a tight budget. I found a pair of size 6 jeans in target and thought these will never fit me. But they were awesome for $10 beautiful matte black with buttons and short enough for me, I thought they wouldn’t fit. I thought My size smalls will never fit me. Even if they run bigger than usual. Which they do. I admit which is fine. I wore a large size xl on the size range and switched to the smaller size large and large men’s. In the past I wore tight size 16 jeans and plus size tops. I’ve been there before.

a week or so ago I said I will try on the jeans and was shocked they fit and then all the clothes fit and my old bras no longer fit but I had back ups of undies and sports bras put away and now I’m glad I did. and I had to finally organize my clothes in my dresser kon mari style and I’ve never had this much clothes. Never. Might not seem like much but to me it is, That even the denim shorts fit so it’s overwhelming. I need to get them in a Smaller size for hot weather again. But needed pants for when it’s chilly. And I started looking at swimwear. I haven’t even done that ever in my life. Though I want Bermuda length bottoms and rash guard due to wrinkly saggy skin. All of a sudden my clothes are smaller than I thought they could ever be again.

my body image I don’t feel small still. Just oddly bony in all the wrong places. And too big in others. And wishing for skin removal. And wondering if anyone has discussed this with their surgeon. I suddenly have the desire to be able to wear shorts that I probably didn’t since I was eight years old the last time I might have been considered thin and maybe a Tom boy. I want to be that kid and not how old am I? I know I can’t get it back but when you fight your body for so long you want simple things. Other people let it roll off their backs. Look away but we see ourselves every day.

i think I feel if I post this it will jinx it that my weight started to go down a little faster than I expected. I’m still a ways away from goal at my height. But I’m ok with that. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed at the same time, my eating needs to be careful and calculating and I slip up in small ways. Find myself tempted by old habits developed because I was losing my ability to taste the food I was eating and having to back step from adding salt or butter or ketchup or carbs. And realizing some things can’t change and I have to keep adapting. I still don’t know why I can’t taste food properly one would think it would help I thought surgery changed it but it s going back to the way it was so I need to adapt again. You still want foods to taste good the bites you do eat. We struggle with our perception of food and nutrition. And not always fitting the norms while trying to succeed.

I admit I added evening coffee because it helps things move along and sometimes sleep a little better but some days it’s not as effective at calming my heart rate or stress due to ADHD, orthostatic intolerance. I can’t be as active as most people either. gotta keep the gut moving. But I had some problems there too I’m still working on. My gastroenterologist is the only one in the area and tests showed colitis of some kind but not my colonoscopy. Plus he did the balloon dilation this time and tore my esophagus. And I’m not due to see my surgeon for a few months, I’m needing to see a new neurologist, spine doctor, cardiologist so I’m the opposite of most in needing more doctors. Weight loss isn’t a easy answer or a cure but don’t let it hold you back from trying,

I am also dealing with crazy emotions and can’t process my weight loss. And can’t explain how I feel because this is a permanent change in a life where I can’t control anything else. I’m now in menopause due to recent surgery and need to manage new chronic conditions along with existing ones. and ones yet to be diagnosed. Ie. A neurological cause of dysphasia muscle weakness. my thoughts have been scattered and exhausting and I’m in a difficult head space because of where my life couldn’t go. And won’t.

it was either give up and lose because of my chronic illness or keep gaining weight. And lose even more of myself. The surgery just exposed weaknesses that I didn’t expect but need to adapt to. The weight was killing me faster hurting me more.

My mom has someone in her life and he needs to consider bariatric surgery he is 6’ over 330lbs has diabetes, high blood pressure is on a lot of meds, thinks he is eating healthy enough, thinks protein balances carbs and sugars, needs knee replacement. says he knows what’s right. But he judges me and my weight loss journey, comments how I look and how he thinks I should feel about it rather than focus on working on himself. And I’m finding that hard. Because he is capable but he wants the doctors and pills to do the work. And maybe because I never trusted the doctors or pills I see things differently. But it’s hard to be around people who watch how you eat or don’t eat and think it too strange for them to understand.

ive spent my life on the outside and people can’t understand my chronic illness, or what my weight was doing to me overall, and that I will never be well but couldn’t continue on the path of gaining weight and the burden it put on my body.

i wish someone could edit this so it could make sense. I write things and then panic about what I said. I hold back words most of my life and now I am trying not to in hopes it can reach the few people who feel as weird as I do. Struggle with health, body issues, life itself. And just want to have a body they feel good in for themselves and skin they can be comfortable in for themselves. Not just image but how we feel in clothes how we feel in our life whatever type of life it is. And not let the people around us define it or alter it yet not have to disconnect from them either. I don’t have much in my life and I’m hanging on as hard as I can to what is left. And my weight was part of this to try and have something I never could. I see my age I feel older and I’m trying each moment to stay on my feet upwardly mobile and not bed bound. Which honestly I am much of the time. Not by choice. And no one in the Weight loss journey talks about this side of things. The people that can’t be as active but struggle with food issues too. And that diet and exercise, especially exercise can’t fix. I haven’t had a normal life my body has been old before anyone else. I live around 90 year olds more active than me.

ive been writing this over an hour and I’ve exhausted myself and Im putting it out in a public forum and that scares me. Especially since it’s scattered and long. Like all my other posts. I try to check in and answer what I can and took a while to come around to post my update. I’m shocked at six months and I’ve gone from 5’ 0” over 208 lbs BMI of 40, to around 130 lbs. I weigh myself dressed so I don’t feel shocked at changes. I weigh myself daily. Log my food the best I can. Do this for you and no one else, do this because you are ready even when you feel you aren’t. Do this for your health but also your wellbeing. Do this knowing that you need to still put in the work. Do this knowing each persons experience is different but yours is yours and as important as anyone else’s.

im most resistant to changes but sometimes we have to adapt or die. Ignore the numbers or what other people desire, and do this for ourselves.

I need a brain edit. I’ve said too much but only touched the surface. I know this is a public forum and I probably didn’t stay in a linear train of thought. My hormones are all whacked and I see life staring at me taunting me. We just want to fit. Even when we think we never will. I know my experience isn’t much and I’m terrible with words. If this needs to be removed that’s ok. I just felt I needed to say them.

6 hours ago, FluffyChix said:

Rest and have a great day. You've done a ton already this morning!!! The new foods sound delish. Let us know how you like them. Have you tried thickenup? To thicken up your drinks so you don't asperate?

I crashed hard and can barely move except my finger on my tablet ....

6 hours ago, Machalo said:

Aww, take good care of yourself! And come back whenever you can - we love hearing your story. Congratulations on all you got accomplished, it made me tired just reading it all. You've done an awesome job. ((HUGS))

Doing the best I can but sometimes slide back when I try to be here to help my mom with things like laundry lunch and errands. But then can barely move or function for days afterward but it’s been my life forever.