I got my lapband on October 3rd. I lost my best friend on November 16th!

Here is the email that I received:

Dear Amy,

Well, this is not going to be what you want to get from me, but hey

"let's be honest before we start lying to each other". (That is what I normally say to her.) I'm really

sorry, but I am not going to be able to come up next weekend. (She was suppose to come up to Canada for the weekend.) As I always say, if you're not living on the edge- you're taking up too much space; however I seem to be way too close to the edge as of right now. I'm really trying to be rational and not get overly emotional while still

allowing myself to feel these days as that seems to be the healthiest

space for me. (I think she is preparing me for what is coming next...) Let me explain: this will be train of thought, stream of

consciousness style as that's when I can get most honest with myself.

Right now I need a break. I don't know how much of it is you, but I'm

definitely aware of how much of it is me. A lot of this will sound

accusatory; I wish it didn't. I've lied to you so much in the last few

months specifically about your weight loss surgery. I'm pretty sure that's

what got me started on the bad feelings. It wasn't all bad by

any means. It was actually so wonderful in my suspended world of

denial for awhile. I said most things to keep the peace and got so many

wonderful memories and good times recently, so it seemed worth it- but

it's seeping into the rest of my life and the web is getting too tangled

now. ( I told her a few months ago that I was having WLS and she seemed really cool with it. We had a fantastic summer, and had some kick-ass trips.) I wish I could have told you how much I didn't want you to

mutilate your body, how much I thought that there were other things that should have been tried first. (We talked in length about all of my options, and the proceedure.) I just went along with everything you said because I was afraid of making you angry. (This is so not true she ALWAYS speaks her mind. That is what I like about her.) I thought I was willing to exchange your happiness for my integrity, but it turns out I'm not. Now I cansee some of the fruits of your labor, not really the weight loss-(I have lost 30 pounds and two pant sizes; there is no way she could not tell!) I think I'm just programmed not to care about that; my family always

said I was so much happier in the arms of a 'big' person even as a

baby that my tummy would stop hurting and I would just fall asleep.(Huh???)

Still, I do see that you look healthy and seem to be proud of all your hard work. I want to be supportive, yet I'm not there. I might get there and I might never. I finally like my

body in the past couple of years, even more than I ever could have when I was thin. (She has been working out and I am very proud of her. She is not overweight.) I love how strong and energetic I always feel- not sick and weak like I did in college. Right now I just know that the holiday season is never really as easy

as I I also know that I have way too much wrapped up in

diet hell. I really can't begin to explain what any kind of food

restriction does to me, how emotional that issue is. Yes, you've

heard me say it- and unless I screamed it in the street for 24 hours

straight I fear you couldn't possibly get it. (She does not like it that I refuse to eat sugar and wheat product. I did not make her make me special meals, or eat different foods. I just didn't eat bread or sugar, and that freaked her out.) So that's the major

dilemma right now- how to deal supportively with you while dealing with that

side of me that just doesn't see a happy normal between us about this

issue. All I can see is that I'm terrified of being in a household

where the 'mother' has extreme diet restrictions and I just can't do it

right now. (I guess her mother dieted a lot.) I think it's making me hypersensitive to lots of other small

things. I can feel myself over-relating to you as if you were my mom

and I can't do that anymore. (Since I can't eat bread...therefore I must be her mom...I guess.) It will literally push me over the edge.

When I joke about walking a fine line, it's not really a joke. I

barely made it through this past weekend and I'm not ready to try it again

right now. I feel bad that I

lied to you. I want you to be so successful in your endeavor.

You feel bad you lied to me? How about writing me this email? Today I lost over 150 pound because of my lapband. She was my best friend for 25 years. I am so sad I am going to bed.

<TABLE id=HB_Mail_Container height="100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0 UNSELECTABLE="on"><TBODY><TR height="100%" UNSELECTABLE="on" width="100%"><TD id=HB_Focus_Element vAlign=top width="100%" background="" height=250 UNSELECTABLE="off">It sounds as if your friend is still not being honest with you. Her lame cover-up excuses have more holes than swiss cheese.

Reading between the lines, (and lies), this is what I think she meant to say:

Dear Amy,

I can't tell you how much I am hurt that you had WLS. I mean, I am the skinny one! I am the center of attention! And now I hate you for taking that away from me! I could try to stay skinnier than you, so I can keep up my rep, but NO FAIR! You had WLS, and I have to do it on my own! WWHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You were my wounded bird. You made me feel good about myself, especially when you and I were in public together.

The boys always looked at me... now I have competition? I hate you for that. I am going to take a break from you because I can't handle the emotional stress this has caused me. In the meantime, i am going to try to find another fat friend that can boost my confidence once again.

Thanks for being my 'friend', but your purpose has now dissolved.

Sincerely,

Best Friend w/ Major Self Issues

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Amy I agree 100% with want2beme - I know that really doesn't help with the loss of your freind - but was she really ever your true friend a true friend would celebrate your choice to have a healthier life.

This is her loss not your - We are here for you and will celebrate with you your journey to live a healthier life.

Love & Hugs

Janet

I'm sorry for the loss of your "friend", but WHAT THE HELL?? I think she wants to continue being the "skinny one" and is threatened by your success. A true friend loves you for all your diets, successes, failures, weight losses and gains. I can't imagine how you can get your head around that absurd e-mail. Move on girl! She'll just complicate your life with too much drama. Surround yourself with people who encourage your success, not make you feel guilty for your success!

[quote name='cookielover;629341

She titled her email to me: "You deserve this much..."

I titled my email to her: "No this is what I deserve."

Here is what I sent:

I decided to keep it purple because it made me feel a little better.

"Dear...' date='[/color']

I am not mad or upset with you, as I know that you are broken inside. However that does not mean that you have to break me down as well. I care about you so, if watching me get better and healthy is too much for you to handle I can find the courage to let you go. For this is the journey am taking in my life, and I realize it is not for you. I need you to understand in the future when you have a crisis or a problem; I will not have your back. It is no longer "us" against the world; it is only "you" against whatever haunts you. I want you to find all the happiness you deserve, and I pray you start understanding that you deserve more. I have never ended such an important relationship in my life, and my hope is that I never have to do it again. That is why we can not be together anymore. I can not live on the "edge" with you. I don't want to open another email and wonder, "will this be the email that breaks my heart?" So for that and many more reasons I have to say good bye. Thank you for the gut-busting laughs, 2 hour phone conversations, and the memories; I will cherish these things and you forever.

Hoping you can find peace and acceptance,

Amy"

Well I am going out for a long walk. Maybe I can walk away some of this pain.

Oh yeah just so you all know on Saturday I went to a party and had an okay time, I have been out for coffee with a friend, joined a gym today, researched joining a theater group, started planning a Christmas open house, and booked two trips for the holiday season to see family. (I am trying to find things to do that are positive.) Now if I could just mustard the strength to clean the bathrooms and vacuum today!

Hugs to all of you!:hug:

Well said - Glad you sent this - as said before - we are here for you..

:scared::girl_hug::fish:

I too agree with want2beme. I feel it is jealousy. I have a friend that for the past few years we were attending weight watchers. Sometimes I'd lose a few pounds more sometimes she did. Although we did not attend the meetings and weigh-in together, each week she would either email me at work or call me and ask me how much did I lose or gain. Then once again as always for me, we fell off the band wagon and gained it all back. Since the day I told her I was going for the lap-band she was against it. Never a good thing to say about it. Well here I am down about 42 pounds total (22 since surgery) and I have not seen her. If I don't call her, I just don't hear from her. So now we talk only once in a while. I'm proud of my weight loss, and anyone who does not care/like it can go pound sand!

Three words:

Jealous, Bitter and Twisted

You don't need it.

Cookie~

Good for you for being strong and standing up for yourself! I believe you are the bigger (bigger as in BETTER) woman for ending that toxic relationship. Nowhere to go from here but UP!!!!

I am very proud of the way you handled such a devasting blow. You are a true inspiration to me.

~Sheri

Amy,

My heart just breaks for you, I have lost friends, not over weight loss, yet, but other reasons, and know that the pain really cuts deep. I think the part that is blowing me away is she didn't want you to mutilate your body...what does she think we have done for years with food...same thing, just a different source...I have to agree with everyone else, she has her own issues and baggage, your taking care of you was more than she could handle. You will be in my prayers... your reponse was awesome....Wanda

Keep Breathing. I know this is one of the hardest things you have had to go through but each day will hurt just a tiny bit less. We may be a poor substitute for a 25 year friendship but we are here for you just the same.

1 Corinthians 10:13 "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."

I'm glad you sent the email....it was very well written - I think you could still say you took the high road. Hopefully you can find some peace and closure now. I have lost a couple of very best friends over the years for various reasons and the pain is still somewhat there when I reminisce. But I have finally gotten to the point where I can also look back fondly on the good times and then move on. It sucks though, and I really feel for you. Good for you for doing proactive and positive things to get through this!!! Gym, theatre, Christmas -- all good stuff!

Jenne

I agree with you sending the email. I cannot believe that this person, who was your friend for 25 years could just turn like that. Its got to be jealously, not only for your weight loss, but for the happiness in your life of your family too.

I really think some people are friends with a fat person because they are safe; most don't do risky things or get into trouble, guys don't look at them first, and you can be used to break the ice in situations. Its sucks that it comes down to that, but in the bottom of your heart, could you continue to be friends with someone now that the true colors are showing?

Interesting how she turned this all about herself. I had something similar although it wasn't related to the lapband. I spent 7 months away from my best girlfriend. We are now talking again and things are a lot healthier between us. Maybe some time away from each other will be healthy for you. Good luck.

o she will be back. Give it a cuple of weeks and she be emailing you again.

Amy- I can't believe you didn't mention this earlier on our October board. I just saw you linked the thread and read about this. I am so sorry for the loss of your friendship... I know we were warned that we may lose relationships when we lose weight, but it is hard to imagine until it happens. You just wouldn't think a friendship could be lost after 25 years. I know people get jealous, but from her e-mail I think this person has some real issues that for some reason are surfacing now when you are on this wonderful journey. The loss of the friendship has nothing to do with you.... The e-mail was so strange. Some of it didn't really make sense. I am not sure what is going on with her, but she was trying to turn her issues into something about your weight loss, and it is not about you at all. We are here for you.....

Mutilated your body???? What about the tons of fat we are or were carrying around on our bodies? What about that mutilation??? Your friend does not seem to be thinking about you whatsoever. I agree with want2beme, your friend is jealous as hec and also very self absorbed. She needs some very serious counseling, not to mention compassion. I think you are better off not having that kind of "friend" in your life. o on with your success and continue your journey. Not everyone in our lives are going to be supportive or happy for us. We need to surround ouselves with POSITIVE influences. Best life journey to YOU. You deserve it.

Amy Girl!

I have been off the boards due to work and just read this whole thread and how dare her! I am so sorry.

Everyone has said it but let me repeat it b/c I really like you and think this is total bull. I don't know you personally just via this forum but I think everyone with any sense can see that....

1. This is not a friend

2. This is SO'oooo not about your WLS its an EXCUSE to bring her own insecurities and issues to the table

3. J E A L O U S

4. A REAL friend doesn't have to agree with your decision but should support it or keep her mouth shut. Your doing what is best for YOU. You didn't need her to ok it. She doesn't pay your bills or live your life.

I'm thinking someone is having a bit of a pity party for herself and is afraid that this WLS of yours and the energy that it takes to get our lives in check may cut into the time and energy you put into her. Would she cut you out of your life for being a vegan?

I love you didn't respond to her email. It was childish and I'm sorry but after 25 years your worth a phone call. It speaks loudly to her issues and the caliber of person she is.....it just took 25 years to show her true colors. She isn't being honest with you or herself.

I'm am sorry that this person didn't have the respect for your that you obviously had for her by even including her in your major life decision. Quite frankly at the end of the day it was your business to have this surgery, she should have felt honored you included her. Your hurting and angry and you have every right to be but your strong, you have a wonderful husband to support you, and don't forget you got all us too!!!Hang in there girlie girl.

This kills me, we all were warned this happens but you never think it will happen to you.