I got my lapband on October 3rd. I lost my best friend on November 16th!

Here is the email that I received:

Dear Amy,

Well, this is not going to be what you want to get from me, but hey

"let's be honest before we start lying to each other". (That is what I normally say to her.) I'm really

sorry, but I am not going to be able to come up next weekend. (She was suppose to come up to Canada for the weekend.) As I always say, if you're not living on the edge- you're taking up too much space; however I seem to be way too close to the edge as of right now. I'm really trying to be rational and not get overly emotional while still

allowing myself to feel these days as that seems to be the healthiest

space for me. (I think she is preparing me for what is coming next...) Let me explain: this will be train of thought, stream of

consciousness style as that's when I can get most honest with myself.

Right now I need a break. I don't know how much of it is you, but I'm

definitely aware of how much of it is me. A lot of this will sound

accusatory; I wish it didn't. I've lied to you so much in the last few

months specifically about your weight loss surgery. I'm pretty sure that's

what got me started on the bad feelings. It wasn't all bad by

any means. It was actually so wonderful in my suspended world of

denial for awhile. I said most things to keep the peace and got so many

wonderful memories and good times recently, so it seemed worth it- but

it's seeping into the rest of my life and the web is getting too tangled

now. ( I told her a few months ago that I was having WLS and she seemed really cool with it. We had a fantastic summer, and had some kick-ass trips.) I wish I could have told you how much I didn't want you to

mutilate your body, how much I thought that there were other things that should have been tried first. (We talked in length about all of my options, and the proceedure.) I just went along with everything you said because I was afraid of making you angry. (This is so not true she ALWAYS speaks her mind. That is what I like about her.) I thought I was willing to exchange your happiness for my integrity, but it turns out I'm not. Now I cansee some of the fruits of your labor, not really the weight loss-(I have lost 30 pounds and two pant sizes; there is no way she could not tell!) I think I'm just programmed not to care about that; my family always

said I was so much happier in the arms of a 'big' person even as a

baby that my tummy would stop hurting and I would just fall asleep.(Huh???)

Still, I do see that you look healthy and seem to be proud of all your hard work. I want to be supportive, yet I'm not there. I might get there and I might never. I finally like my

body in the past couple of years, even more than I ever could have when I was thin. (She has been working out and I am very proud of her. She is not overweight.) I love how strong and energetic I always feel- not sick and weak like I did in college. Right now I just know that the holiday season is never really as easy

as I I also know that I have way too much wrapped up in

diet hell. I really can't begin to explain what any kind of food

restriction does to me, how emotional that issue is. Yes, you've

heard me say it- and unless I screamed it in the street for 24 hours

straight I fear you couldn't possibly get it. (She does not like it that I refuse to eat sugar and wheat product. I did not make her make me special meals, or eat different foods. I just didn't eat bread or sugar, and that freaked her out.) So that's the major

dilemma right now- how to deal supportively with you while dealing with that

side of me that just doesn't see a happy normal between us about this

issue. All I can see is that I'm terrified of being in a household

where the 'mother' has extreme diet restrictions and I just can't do it

right now. (I guess her mother dieted a lot.) I think it's making me hypersensitive to lots of other small

things. I can feel myself over-relating to you as if you were my mom

and I can't do that anymore. (Since I can't eat bread...therefore I must be her mom...I guess.) It will literally push me over the edge.

When I joke about walking a fine line, it's not really a joke. I

barely made it through this past weekend and I'm not ready to try it again

right now. I feel bad that I

lied to you. I want you to be so successful in your endeavor.

You feel bad you lied to me? How about writing me this email? Today I lost over 150 pound because of my lapband. She was my best friend for 25 years. I am so sad I am going to bed.

Amy--You ARE beautiful--on the inside as well as the outside! I've been where you are, and the hurt is unimaginable. What I can tell you is that like any other loss, the pain does go away with time, but the love will always be there. Just like a diet, the first week is the hardest, and the hurt (like food cravings) comes back in waves when you least expect it. But life goes on and you will be happy again. Your response shows that you are a healthy and mature lady who can hold her head up high because she has integrity. You took the high road and you always win on that path. This can be a very productive time for you, as you re-discover yourself and who you want to be.

And one more thing: I don't know if you are a Christian, but in times like this, the Bible and talking to God can be sources of strength. My experience is that God always works things out for our benefit. We don't always see it at the time, but looking back, I can see that I grew the most dealing with my worst experiences. I can't wait to hear how this story turns out for you!

Hi Amy,

I know what this is like. Last weekend my sister was visitting and had a similar response to my weight loss. I'm getting close to her size.

I noticed in the photo, you're getting close to your friend's size. Apparently people start to freak out at that point. A friend of mine had the bypass and her mother lost it when they reached the same size in clothes.

I really hate to say it, but this is a part and parcel of WLS. I've seen it in a few of my relationships lately (my sister, a few of my friends too). Thankfully I have a great friend who had the bypass and knows what it's like and won't dump the shrinking me.

Hang in there, it's only going to get worse before it gets better.

-Leena

Oh, Amy, I am so sorry {{{Cyber hugs}}}

I have read that marriages often break up when the wife loses a lot of weight, and I can unfortunately see this.

I can't understand how your friend can do this to you though......friends should support. It is as heart breaking as a marriage break up, and having been through this (though not due to weight loss) I send love and light and support to you,

Hang in there, and talk to us, we're listening to you.

My heart is breaking for you and your pain. It's small comfort to know that it isn't really about you, it's about your friend. She has really stirred up the you-know-what in her psyche and will cause her endless grief until she faces it. She won't let you be there for her, so all you can do is to do right by yourself. Keep your eye on the prize. If she ever comes back you will be stronger for your trials and maybe you can help her.

Best of luck and I really mean that.

Double BINGO. This is a classic co-dependent response. Like some people who are is in a realtionship with someone who is an alcoholic. They are enablers because they don't WANT the person to get well because they are in a SAFE zone as long as the person relies on them and needs them and they enable the very vice that makes the person weak and needy. Your friend is sailing down the river of Denial. Want2beme is DEAD RIGHT. This is TOTALLY NOT about you and I feel rather sorry that your friend is masking her true feelinigs under the pretence of worrying about you "multilating yourself" (NOT). If you feel it is worth it, you can try to sit down with her and explain your feelings. She may very likely balk and deny everything, but at least you gave it a shot...or you can write her a nice long letter when your head is sompletely clear and you have time to put your thoughts in order. Either way, what will be will be.

Oh boy, now that I see the picture, I see this is totally a jealousy thing. Dump her like a hot potato. She's blaming you for everything. HOGWASH!

She said "I thought I was willing to exchange your happiness for my integrity" ... now, why wouldn't she want you happy??...cause that is what she is saying here - that her 'integrity' is more important to her than YOUR happiness... I don't know about anyone else, but the happiness of my friends and family is of the most importance to me!

This is so sad and I truely hurt for you here... but it really seems as if you might be better off...

I just read your goodbye to her and I am balling my eyes out. I can see you strength in the letter. I hope that you can get through this without any more tears. You didnt deserve what she did and she definetly doesnt deserve your TRUE AND HONEST FRIENDSHIP!

God bless and stay strong ((((HUGS!)))))

I'm not trying to bash your former friend but from your posts and your pics it is obvious you are absolutely beautiful both inside and outside!

God, that's got to hurt - 25 years of friendship because of, what exactly, jealousy? I think wanabeme hit the nail on the head.

I have exactly two friends that I can really talk to - one loves me unconditionally, and even though is against WLS in general, understands how hard this has been for me and supports me 100%. The other one I haven't heard from since the first one let slip I am having this surgery. No call to see if I was still alive after surgery, no e-mail, nothing. I do feel very hurt. She has weight issues too, which I don't see her able to resolve anytime soon (not being mean, just a medical condition, etc, etc,), and she seems a little jealous I THINK because I have the $ to pay for it ...? I'm not sure what the prob is. But it hurts, it stinks, I feel for you, and I can understand what you're going through!

I think this can be a problem when we have friends who, shall we say, have the same weight issues as us (I don't want to say fat friends but you know what I mean). The true friends want you to be happy, but the other ones just want you to stay fat to make them feel less lonely.

The other thing I have to say is girls can be such biatches to each other!!! What's with that?

Amy I know how that must hurt after being friends all those years. Some people just cant stand when other people change. I'm noticing that some of my friends attitudes are changing towards me as well. One friend in particular who was no longer the "only one" getting attention when we go out, started to make small snide comments. I came to the conclusion that the only reason she hung out with me was to make herself feel like the "gorgeous one". But you know what, when I had the surgery I knew that some people were going to be jealous and I didn't even tell a lot of people about the surgery, they just notice that I'm losing weight. I say to hell with them all. It hurts for a little while, but you will eventually move on. As they say some people are only in your life for a season and a reason.

What is wrong with people why can't they be happy for us? There is this one girl we use to party together, she is skinny but anyways you could tell she likes to have the fat friend (use to be me) now she as a other fat friend fatter then me )around her, so anyways i have lost 43lbs to date and not one time did she say anything about it no questions nothing. My boss told me if someone can't tell i loss weight they are blind. I think its really hard for some people to be happy with change.

Sorry about your friend but she as issues she needs to work on her self.

I am really sorry for all the pain your going thru.

*HUG* Just know you dont need someone so superficial in your life your more important then that.

Against my husband's wishes because he wanted me to take the high road. I sent my email this morning. I did it for three reasons: 1. Out of the two of us I was the only one who really knew it was over. She still had all the power. 2. If she managed to get ahold of me I did not know what to say without causing damage and pointing fingers. and 3. She deserved to know the friendship was over. It was selfish of me to keep this information to myself. Also it left me open to letting her back into my live to repeat the same mistakes. By sending her the email I am taking back my power. Now she knows where I stand.

I am so sick to my stomach I can barely breathe, but it had to be done. Why does growing have to hurt so much sometimes? Someone asked if I believed in God...I do! I am leaning really hard on him and my family right now. I am also leaning really hard on all of your words of encouragement; they are like air to me. And believe it or not I CAN feel all of your hugs. :scared:

She titled her email to me: "You deserve this much..."

I titled my email to her: "No this is what I deserve."

Here is what I sent:

I decided to keep it purple because it made me feel a little better.

"Dear...,

I am not mad or upset with you, as I know that you are broken inside. However that does not mean that you have to break me down as well. I care about you so, if watching me get better and healthy is too much for you to handle I can find the courage to let you go. For this is the journey am taking in my life, and I realize it is not for you. I need you to understand in the future when you have a crisis or a problem; I will not have your back. It is no longer "us" against the world; it is only "you" against whatever haunts you. I want you to find all the happiness you deserve, and I pray you start understanding that you deserve more. I have never ended such an important relationship in my life, and my hope is that I never have to do it again. That is why we can not be together anymore. I can not live on the "edge" with you. I don't want to open another email and wonder, "will this be the email that breaks my heart?" So for that and many more reasons I have to say good bye. Thank you for the gut-busting laughs, 2 hour phone conversations, and the memories; I will cherish these things and you forever.

Hoping you can find peace and acceptance,

Amy"

Well I am going out for a long walk. Maybe I can walk away some of this pain.

Oh yeah just so you all know on Saturday I went to a party and had an okay time, I have been out for coffee with a friend, joined a gym today, researched joining a theater group, started planning a Christmas open house, and booked two trips for the holiday season to see family. (I am trying to find things to do that are positive.) Now if I could just mustard the strength to clean the bathrooms and vacuum today! :fish:

Hugs to all of you!:hug:

It's great that you didn't address specific parts of her email and start an argument.

It *is* hard but you needed to do it to be able to be thin. You found courage as you said.

I'm sure a lot of us have had to go through HUGE changes and cut people/jobs/food out of out lives.

It's just a shame that your hand was forced so soon but you're right, this will cut it off so you don't receive a phone call and let your love for her make you suddenly apologise for upsetting her by having surgery.