I got my lapband on October 3rd. I lost my best friend on November 16th!

Here is the email that I received:

Dear Amy,

Well, this is not going to be what you want to get from me, but hey

"let's be honest before we start lying to each other". (That is what I normally say to her.) I'm really

sorry, but I am not going to be able to come up next weekend. (She was suppose to come up to Canada for the weekend.) As I always say, if you're not living on the edge- you're taking up too much space; however I seem to be way too close to the edge as of right now. I'm really trying to be rational and not get overly emotional while still

allowing myself to feel these days as that seems to be the healthiest

space for me. (I think she is preparing me for what is coming next...) Let me explain: this will be train of thought, stream of

consciousness style as that's when I can get most honest with myself.

Right now I need a break. I don't know how much of it is you, but I'm

definitely aware of how much of it is me. A lot of this will sound

accusatory; I wish it didn't. I've lied to you so much in the last few

months specifically about your weight loss surgery. I'm pretty sure that's

what got me started on the bad feelings. It wasn't all bad by

any means. It was actually so wonderful in my suspended world of

denial for awhile. I said most things to keep the peace and got so many

wonderful memories and good times recently, so it seemed worth it- but

it's seeping into the rest of my life and the web is getting too tangled

now. ( I told her a few months ago that I was having WLS and she seemed really cool with it. We had a fantastic summer, and had some kick-ass trips.) I wish I could have told you how much I didn't want you to

mutilate your body, how much I thought that there were other things that should have been tried first. (We talked in length about all of my options, and the proceedure.) I just went along with everything you said because I was afraid of making you angry. (This is so not true she ALWAYS speaks her mind. That is what I like about her.) I thought I was willing to exchange your happiness for my integrity, but it turns out I'm not. Now I cansee some of the fruits of your labor, not really the weight loss-(I have lost 30 pounds and two pant sizes; there is no way she could not tell!) I think I'm just programmed not to care about that; my family always

said I was so much happier in the arms of a 'big' person even as a

baby that my tummy would stop hurting and I would just fall asleep.(Huh???)

Still, I do see that you look healthy and seem to be proud of all your hard work. I want to be supportive, yet I'm not there. I might get there and I might never. I finally like my

body in the past couple of years, even more than I ever could have when I was thin. (She has been working out and I am very proud of her. She is not overweight.) I love how strong and energetic I always feel- not sick and weak like I did in college. Right now I just know that the holiday season is never really as easy

as I I also know that I have way too much wrapped up in

diet hell. I really can't begin to explain what any kind of food

restriction does to me, how emotional that issue is. Yes, you've

heard me say it- and unless I screamed it in the street for 24 hours

straight I fear you couldn't possibly get it. (She does not like it that I refuse to eat sugar and wheat product. I did not make her make me special meals, or eat different foods. I just didn't eat bread or sugar, and that freaked her out.) So that's the major

dilemma right now- how to deal supportively with you while dealing with that

side of me that just doesn't see a happy normal between us about this

issue. All I can see is that I'm terrified of being in a household

where the 'mother' has extreme diet restrictions and I just can't do it

right now. (I guess her mother dieted a lot.) I think it's making me hypersensitive to lots of other small

things. I can feel myself over-relating to you as if you were my mom

and I can't do that anymore. (Since I can't eat bread...therefore I must be her mom...I guess.) It will literally push me over the edge.

When I joke about walking a fine line, it's not really a joke. I

barely made it through this past weekend and I'm not ready to try it again

right now. I feel bad that I

lied to you. I want you to be so successful in your endeavor.

You feel bad you lied to me? How about writing me this email? Today I lost over 150 pound because of my lapband. She was my best friend for 25 years. I am so sad I am going to bed.

So sorry that happened to you. Donna

Cookielover, I am so sorry you are going through this right now. It must be very difficult, but so many here have hit the nail squarely on the head when they point out these are her issues, not yours. She's obviosuly got some serious problems and is trying to project them on you.

Take care and as Ghost said, we can't replace her, but we're here for you.

Holy smokes! Honey, I am sooo sorry this happened. You are doing a great thing for yourself and should be very proud of what you have accomplished.

I don't have much more to add than what everyone else has said is right. I just also wanted to say that we are here for you!

Amy, I'm so sorry you got this email. This person is not your friend. She is using your positive changes to feel bad about herself and then blaming you for it. That email is not about you, it is about her. Let her go work out her issues on her own. If she was truly your friend, she will come back to you.

Wantobeme is absolutely right! I have a friend that is starting to act weird around me too. I know it's because I have always been larger than her but now she knows I will be smaller soon. Your poor friend - we need to pray for her.

Sorry you lost your friend but i think WANT is right. I have a co-worker who always makes mean remarks about people who have a WLS and she is the sole reason I have only told my mother(shes not happy either but whatever).

All I can mutter over and over again while I stare aghast at the screen is....WTH? WTH? WTH?

I'm so sorry that you are hurting but your friend sounds like an emotionally crippled baby. I hope you find a new and true BETTER best friend soon. *hug*

I Am Not Baffled At All...same Thing Has Happenned To Me...best Friend, We Always Support Each Other, No Matter What...i Guess She Could Not Take It That I Was Finally Going To Be Successful...so, We Are Not Friends Any More, It Is Envy, Jelousy (sp) And Where Did I Come Up With That Kind Of Money????? Last Year I Hired A Personal Trainner, Went To The Gym 4-5 Times A Week...she Hardly Talked To Me...then When She Saw That I Was Not Really Doing Very Well With It, She Became Supportive Again....we Have Always Been The Butt Buddies, Boobsie Twins, Ect...i Think That It Is Just The Fact That I Saved Money To Do This, And She Cant ...awefull!!!!! I Think It Happens All The Time!!!

Want2beme, Hit The Nail On The Head!!!! That Is The Real Issue!!!!!

That is so bizarre. She obviously has her own issues and is putting the blame on your situation. I think that afeter 25 years she could at least pick up the phone. Hang in there. You only need positive people in your life right now! (((hugs)))

All I can say is....... it's HER loss. Hang in there. I hope you can find a friend who appreciates you and supports you. I've been through a similar situation (related to pregnacy, not weight loss). It's tough but maybe it's for the best. You really don't need negativity right now.....we've all had enough of that to last a lifetime.

I'm sorry you have to feel the pain of losing a dear friendship of 25 years. I too lost a life-long friend recently (not due to WLS) and it can be devastating. However, you are strong and commited to be a healthier, happier you and I'm sure you will succeed. It's unfortunate that your friend can't share all your success with you. If you do get a chance to speak in person, I hope that some issues can be resolved with time. Best wishes!

I'm sorry cookies.... I agree with what everyone else has already stated.. Just surround yourself with support from somewhere else and continue taking care of yourself (you always have us LBT member to help you on your journey).<br /> <br /> Hopefully with time she will realize what a big mistake she made and come to her senses.. and maybe you two will be able to get through it.<br /> <br /> You did a lot to get where you are and you deserve the best!!!! Lots of hugs and always know we are all here for you!!!<img src="http://www.LapBandTalk.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Hug" smilieid="260" class="inlineimg" /><br /> <br /> -Jeni<br /> <br /> <br /> <br />

Honey, i know somewhat about what you are going through. my co-workers and one of my freinds whose has had gastric bypass 4 years ago all turned on me and treated me like dirt when they heard i was approved for the surgery. i think it is alot to do with jealousy. there are alot of people out there that pretend they want others to be happy and will be supportive about choices they make until they make them. and the one friend that had the bypass of mine, the last time i talked to her she was joking on fat people and saying very rude things and warning me about the surgery and saying bad things about the lapband. that was 3 months ago, she has called about 10 times since i has left 10 messages on my machine because i am done with her. i hope this surgery does nto make me that Shallow.

I can't believe a fellow wls peer would become like this when they know the struggle of being overweight and losing weight... this is truely sad.. I also hope i never become this way.

Hi Cookies

Hugely distressing for you for someone you loved and trusted to turn on you this way without warning. You must be reeling and my heart goes out to you that you are being attacked in this manner.

Cookies, were you very, very restricted when you spent time with her? I could imagine the non-banded freaking out a bit if someone they were with could barely manage a few spoonfuls of food or PB'd/slimed a lot. If you were OK and could manage small but healthy portions and really only cut out bread & sugar I can't imagine what all the melodrama is for.

I think the other posters on this thread are correct, this lady does have some serious food issues, Im so sorry that her fear and insecurities have wounded you this way.

Hugs

Sylvie

xx

How am I doing?

Well last night I cried. Today I woke up and I decied to start anew. My friend is not willing to come along on this journey with me, and I am not willing to be bullied out of my decision. So there it stands. What some people do not realize is this: You can't go around saying or writing whatever you feel like it, and then expect the status-quo afterwards. If you say hurtful and downright mean things there is going to be some serious fall-out. In short she may need some "space", but I am ending the relationship. I am not calling, emailing, sending letters or telegrams, or visiting. There will be no closure from me to her. I believe when you get to my age there is no reason to "play" a game of "let's send my friend a nasty email, because I am green with envy, and see how that works out." In my opinion her email served one purpose: to hurt me. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Sometimes in life we have to realize that there are no "do-overs" or "I am really sorry, so please forgive me."

I don't mean to sound cold hearted, but I have to survive and look after myself. For example I am unable to eat ANYTHING, because I have been so upset that my band is so tight that I can only sip Water and Protein. The main reason I am not going to afford her a "goodbye" is that I don't want to say anything that will make me feel bad later. I need you to understand how much I loved this person. I ensured that she was never hurt by my own doings. (Actually that is how I treat all of my friends.) After this is all over I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know I my integrity is intact. However, if we should meet up six months down the road and I weigh a lot less and she dies from envy that would be okay too.

Since I am not going to be able to say goodbye to her. I am going to write it here. I will make me feel better knowing someone read it:

"I am not mad or upset with you, as I know that you are broken inside. However that does not mean that you have to break me down in to your hell. I care about you so, if watching me get better and healthy is too much for you to handle I can find the courage to let you go. For this is the journey am taking in my life, and I realize it is not for you. I need you to understand in the future when you have a crisis or a problem; I will not have your back. It is no longer "US" against the world; it is only "you" against whatever haunts you. I want you to find all the happiness you deserve, and I pray you start understanding that you deserve more. I have never ended such an important relationship in my life, and my hope is that I never have to do it again. That is why we can not be together anymore. I can not live on the "edge" with you. I don't want to open another email and wonder, "will this be the email that breaks my heart?" So for that and many more reasons I have to say good bye. Thank you for the gut-busting laughs, 3 hour phone conversations, and the memories; I will cherish these things and you forever.

Hoping you can find peace and acceptance,

Amy

Thank you to all that wrote post giving their support and well-wishes. I needed those today. (You would not believe how much.) For those of you who offered to be my buddy- I might just take you up on that.