I just bought all of this, in one trip, at a gas station, and I planned to eat every bit of it.

So, I did everything right. I've worked 60-80-120 plus hour work weeks for over a decade, and before that, slightly less, as I was still a child. I have two successful businesses, multiple degrees, and this fall I got a full scholarship to law school. Ever since I was a kid, all I wanted to do was go to law school, but since I've been entirely on my own since I was 18, clearly that was never happening. I spent almost all of my 20's working super hard and yo-yo dieting, until I was so fat I had to have 80% of my stomach cut out. I then spent 18 months getting to goal weight, spent a year going through plastics surgery, and then finally, I felt like maybe I could really go after a dream for once. Since all I did was work, I didn't get to have a husband or kids, but hey no big deal, I was smart, I could do other things. So, I applied to law school, did decent on my LSATs, and got a full scholarship. I was so happy.

Then I got to spend the last 4 months getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night, because oh right, one does not get to work 80 hour weeks, when 40 of the hours that used to be available for work are now forced to be spent in a law school building because your classes are scheduled just far apart that you can't go home and you get to sit in the library and work. Also, thanks to traffic, and my fantastic forced 1L schedule I get to sit in traffic an hour to 90 minutes a day both ways. But hey, when you've got dreams, you can handle going to bed at 3am and getting up at 5:30am, you can sit in classes and try to learn what everyone else gets to spend literally their entire day learning, and then you can go home, work your ass off for 12 hours so that you can still pay your mortgage, because right, you're not a child, and you don't have a spouse, so the only person paying your bills is you. The only person you ever get to count on is you. And so, while everyone in law school full time has literally the only job of learning this crap, and no one even has a part time job, which,...not joking, there is an American Bar Association rule that you can't work more than 20 hours a week, and if they find out they start deducting your grades until you're at part-time, starting of course with your highest grade. Class elitism much? We wonder why there is such a huge class separation in our country and then we see the fact that law school, all law schools in the country ban their students from working. HOW IS THAT LEGAL?! So, back to the "all about me" story. I'm also working on an MBA, which isn't terribly difficult since I have other graduate degrees, but when your law school will actually kick you out if you work more than 20 hours a week, you can't say..."oh I'm sorry, I had to work more hours than most of you idiots are even awake this week" when you don't do great.

But I didn't do badly...I got A's and B's on all my midterms, without studying, because I'm supposed to be smart right? I booked the property midterm, and I thought I was golden. Well, 2 of my final 5 grades just posted and I got a f****ing F in my contracts class. AN F. Never in my entire life have I gotten an F. I've been first in almost every class I've been in for almost a decade. I thought I knew contracts...clearly I did so freaking horribly that I got an F. The fact that a girl with accomodations, who gets 4.5 hours to take a 3 hour test got an A, oh well hey cool, the law allows her to cheat. Several others have the same accomodations, which when law schools have mandatory curves, their high grades, knock down my grades. I resent the hell out of that, it is absolute bullshit, and the more I think about it, the madder I get. I have the exact same diagnosis that she has, but I decided that I was going to pass law school without cheating...clearly that worked out well for me. I got an F, in a 1L doctrinal class, which not only tanks my GPA for the entirety of law school, but now I need to re-take the class, which is the absolute best case scenario, or if my other grades suck, then I fail out of law school, not to mention the fact that my school is $45K a year and if I don't have a 2.0 GPA it's revoked. My other grade was an A-, which doesn't even balance out my F. I have 3 more grades to post, and if I don't have at least a B or C in all of them, I just failed out of law school. I will be the absolute laughingstock of the world. I have had more career success than almost everyone I know, and yet, I possibly just flunked out of law school because I can either pay my bills and suck at school, or I can be homeless and have the time everyone else does to do well. I don't get to rely on anyone else...it is ALWAYS on me and for the first time in a very long time, I have possibly failed at life and because I am feeling narcisistic at the moment, I am absolutely convinced that everyone is going to be highly amused that I failed. Oh, how far it is too fall. Man, I'm whiny.

So...I will leave out the pharmaceuticals I first enjoyed, but I then walked to the gas station and bought $25 worth of stuff that will make me feel better. Peanut Butter cups, ice cream, chocolate shake, twix, butterfinger....all the things that used to make it so much less hurtful that I was a worthless loser. So far I ate the ice cream sandwich and I already feel like puking. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go to bed, wake up, and throw all of that stuff out.

I suppose the lesson here is that 3 years ago, I would have eaten every bit of that while crying myself to sleep, and yet 3 years ago I would never have even been in law school because I wouldn't have thought the fat girl had any business being anywhere other than on a treadmill. Now, I want to barf up my ice cream sandwich because apparently milk, chocolate, and Cookies are still on the list of things that make me sick, and even while buying all that crap, there wasn't the same old, feeling, like I was bringing my chocolate-food-friends home for dinner. The more I write, the more I have no desire to go eat anything else. Also, much as I tend to take the side of people who fall off the wagon, because I have my fair share of Starbucks mini scones and sometimes a few bites of sweets (and I thumb my nose at a lot of the rules), around Christmas is really the only time I eat sugary baked stuff because it makes me gain weight quickly, and makes me insanely sick. The last two Christmases I've had almost none of the sweets I'm allowed, and I haven't really missed them. Maybe that's a good indicator for anyone who is considering surgery...you really do stop using food as a crutch, as a friend, as an old reliable companion, even if sometimes you go spend $25 at a gas station in the middle of the night on all kinds of crap that you're probably not going to eat.

So, since I need to retain my calm, cool, reserved, never worried about anything reputation with my friends, you all get subjected to the hot mess I am right now.

I think I'm going to go drink Scotch. Or Tequila. Or both.

For the record though, this is why I try not to judge the bad decisions of others...I make all too many supremely crap choices myself.

Thank-you all for your very kind words- I much appreciate it. It was nice to wake up this afternoon (except for the 2 times I woke up to re-check to see if more grades had been posted) and to have such supportive, thoughtful replies. I haven't slept into the afternoon in years, so it's now almost 5:00 and I feel like it must be 8am, haha. I'm feeling like a highly emotional hot mess right now, so several of you made me feel quite teary that strangers would be so nice to someone they don't know. I very much appreciate you and the time you took to make my day better. Thank-you.

To the 3L, @cheneisew I hope I don't fail out- the first semester, ugh. I had a B on the midterm in this class, and full credit for the attendance/ professionalism component...I don't understand how I ended up with an F! The only reason I know of that grades would default to an F is if you put your name and not your secret number on the test, which I didn't do, but good lord, I knew the material well enough for at least a C. And of course I can't even ask until next week, when all of the other grades are posted. If I am under a 2.0 I both lose my scholarship and get kicked out. I got into Tier I & II schools, but I went with the Tier IV school because it was full scholarship and in the city I live. In hindsight, I guess the curve is stricter, but how humiliating to get kicked out my first semester if that happens and how insanely expensive it would be if I lose my scholarship. Also, go you for being a 3L- you are almost done- congrats!!! (I am so jealous, lol).

To the one person who obviously knows nothing about law school (and who I'm not going to specifically call out by name), how law school loans work, and the fact that when you own a business you can't just decide to stop working or you literally tank your entire future and that of all of the employees depending on you...I'm going to let that post go. We all have ideas about things we know nothing about, me included, so thank-you for taking the time to reply with an overall uninformed post- I'm going to take it as tough love instead of taking it personally. I hope I helped you have a better day. xoxo. Beyond that though, you are entirely correct though that legal accommodations are not cheating. They are though incredibly unfair when the grades of other students are determined by a mandatory curve and people included in that curve have 4.5 hours to take a 3 hour test. If their grades did not have the ability to so substantially hurt mine, I wouldn't much care that they aren't held to remotely the same standard. Alas though, I will concede that using a handicap to an advantage is not cheating, but frankly given that I would qualify for the same accommodation and I recognize that the real world does not care if you need extra time to do something and I choose not to use it, I think it puts me in a unique position to have an opinion, albeit one that is not remotely polite or politically correct. I struggle with this problem because I have a friend with two little girls who do have accommodations and it would break my heart if someone was ever hurtful to them because of it, and I try to let it go and be grateful that I have never needed to use my own diagnosis to perform well. I am just so very frustrated that since so few people get A's, that people with accommodations take up those slots and bump the rest of us down. I am fine with them getting good grades, I am just not fine being measured by a standard that is not the same for everyone and having my grade influenced by it.

Also, by the time I went to bed last night I had eaten my one ice cream, I had a Peanut Butter cup, and a mini butterfinger. The rest went into a bag and my best friend (skinny dude who can eat as much junk as he wants) is going to get it later this week, lol. I basically paid $25 at a gas station for an ice cream and a few bites of chocolate, but I would have felt far worse this morning if I had eaten it all and in the old days pre-sleeve, I'd have eaten it all plus more. Today blows, but at least I didn't eat 4000 calories last night, hahaha...silver lining.

Aw. Bless your heart.

All I will add is that I graduated from ls long enough ago to have some perspective on the experience (hence, my advice) yet recently enough to still be making loan payments (hence my advice). Oh, and I work with IDEA and Section 504 daily in my current job so, again, bless your heart.

Edited to correct a typo.

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Girl you will get to where I am you just hit an extreme bump. Rest and reflect and go to office hours. I go to a lower tier school as well they won't kick you out until 2nd semester and the administration may be willing to give you a break. They need the students lol.

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Yikes! You've got a lot on your plate! You've been given a lot of great words. At this point, all I can offer is a virtual hug.

As a former exceptional ed teacher, I do think your words about accommodations were quite harsh. If you have the same diagnosis, use the accommodations. Your choice NOT to use them does not make those who do cheaters nor does it give them an advantage. An advantage is something you didn't have access to, and you did. You simply chose not to exercise your right to use them.

Best wishes!

So you got an F. So what? Give yourself a break. Goto bed tonight and thank whatever God you worship for the gift of life, for the chance to do the things you have done, be grateful for living in a country where you have the opportunity to do the things you do. An F is not the end of thr world, and guess what no one cares as they are too busy. Put it in perspective and try not to be so hard on yourself. Take one course or 2 courses a semester. Laugh, drink some wine, find a man, and kick back. Life is too short to be so stressed. Go to bed and sleep for 10 hours.

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Find a man?!?!??!

@@jvleeuw

You can't get an F in law school. In regular college, I wouldn't be too worried about it, but in law school, if you are beneath a certain GPA, you are dismissed. Also, because I am full scholarship at a school that is $40K a year, if that F drops my GPA low enough, not only do I get academically dismissed, but I also lose the entire scholarship. Unfortunately, it's a full-time scholarship, so I don't have the option to go part-time, without paying full tuition. A single F in law school, especially your first year, has the potential to literally screw you into eternity. At a 4th tier school, which is where I am, if you are not in the top 10-20%, which that F will prevent me from being, you are almost automatically barred from most jobs in big firms.

I don't really want to work for a big firm, and I'm less concerned about the overall GPA problem than I am about the issue that first, if I have to repeat that class and it isn't available next semester, by default I'm dropped to part-time, which then eliminates my scholarship, and second, if I score badly on the other exams, the scholarship is gone AND I get academically dismissed. Hopefully, @@cheneisew is right and they don't dismiss the first semester, but our handbook which I have now read all over again, seems to indicate that I could very likely be kicked out effective sometime within the next week. Also, as a fun little kicker, once you are academically dismissed from any law school it almost entirely eliminates your chance to ever attend law school again.

So, while I can appreciate the advice to chill out and not sweat it, I'm not that kind of person...I have always done well academically and it is the one thing that I have always believed myself to be...smart. I got an F in undergrad in statistics, and that was almost 12 years ago, and I had to justify it on my graduate and law school applications ever since. An F in law school may not be the end of the world, but it has the potential to entirely end any chance at ever becoming a lawyer.

@@LipstickLady Yes, I tried really, really hard to let the "find a man" part go. I'm going to take it to mean relax, get laid, drink some wine, get a good night's rest, and you'll feel less crappy in the morning, as opposed to far more offensive ways to take it, lol.

@@woo woo and @@LipstickLady

Also, I do think you both make valid points about accommodations. Periodically today everytime I have had a mini little meltdown whilst thinking about my epic f-up, school comes back to haunt me. Blaming others for my issue isn't generally my style, and it's a very extrinsic locus of control characteristic, which I really try to not engage in. I feel like if I can at least objectively recognize that I'm doing that, it is somewhat less awful of me. I think my biggest issue is that I don't believe that the accommodations for everyone are valid. For example, I have one kid in my class, SUPER nice dude, works really hard, and is dyslexic. He gets time and a half to take the exams, he's had his diagnosis since he was a kid, and he works his butt off to keep up with everyone because he can't read as fast. To me, that is more than fair. I am mostly frustrated that several people, one of which I referenced in my first post, who have never, ever had any diagnosis until after midterms when they realized with a diagnosis they could have 4.5 hours to take a 3 hour test, now have this benefit. Several people then went to a psychiatrist and magically ended up with ADHD just in time to take finals. I am careful about my comments on ADHD because I recognize that this is a very valid condition, but when your entire adult life it never occurs to you that it might be a problem, and then 2 weeks before finals you suddenly have a diagnosis that gets you accommodations, I think you are full of crap and you worked the system. That then makes it even harder for people with valid diagnoses to be respected because everyone knows that multiple people don't have the condition, but they took advantage of the rule to get an advantage over the rest of us. When you have a valid disability, I am fine with leveling the playing field, I just think that when you get a brand new convenient diagnosis, after you fail all of your midterms (which this person did), just in time for special accommodations for finals, I call bs on that. Do you think I'm wrong? I would never say anything negative about the one guy I know who has had his accommodations in place for years...the dude is dyslexic, that's only fair, but when never before have you had a problem, and suddenly you realize you get extra time on very, very hard exams if you come up with a condition you should have had diagnosed well before now, I really feel like this is working the system and frankly, cheating. That is where my statement came from yesterday, although I was too busy crying into my icecream sandwich to clarify it as well as I should have.

I know that my F is not the end of the world, it just feels like it. Best case I have to repeat that class and I think I can find a way to do that without being dropped to part-time, but worst case I get kicked out of law school. I would be so ashamed. I worked so hard to get there, and I worked so hard to do well, which I had been doing great until this grade, that now I feel just so much like a failure. I can handle failing at some things (like sports...I like sports and I play a lot of them, but man I'm kind of a clutz in some of them), but a big part of my identity is my belief that my brain can get me through anything, and now the one thing I have consistently been confident in may be why I fail at what has literally been my goal in life since 4th grade.

Apologies for my whining...fingers crossed my last three grades are high enough to save me. Thanks again everyone for your kind thoughts.

@@AvaFern

As a type A person that is single, has to rely on myself for everything and an overachiever. I totally relate to everything you are saying. I also employ other people so if I fail, they can't pay their bills so that is a burden that I carry. I can't just close up shop even if I want to, people depend on me.

I haven't been to law school (that was my old dream), but many of my friends have so I know what you are talking about with law school. I'm not going to tell you not to freak out, because I would be doing exactly what you are doing. I understand how you feel.

The one thing I will add, and this will have to be something you work out on your own is, I had to learn to detach myself from my professional goals as a measure of my worth in life. Simply because even though I am very capable and very intelligent, there are a lot of things in life that are beyond my control. I could say a lot more but you have already received a lot of advice.

Hello all. I apologize if my comment find a man was taken the wrong way. I have received some good counseling from my bride on how that comment could have been taken out of context. My context was in a pure physical sense, keeping with the theme of chilling out and relaxing.

We all cope with things differently. As you are a type A+, I am somewhere between a type Q and R, and maybe I need some of that type A drive every now and then. Hang in there and try not to stress so much. I lost a wife to cancer when she was 36 and I was 38. I know what pressure is with 2 kids at the time at 13 and 15. We had some stressful days, but I always figured some how we would get by. Kids both graduated college and I was lucky enough to find love a second time as my bride and I will Celebrate our 10 th anniversary in March. Hang in there. Again, the find a man line was not meant to be derogatory. Peace. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and happy new year.

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Hello all. I apologize if my comment find a man was taken the wrong way. I have received some good counseling from my bride on how that comment could have been taken out of context. My context was in a pure physical sense, keeping with the theme of chilling out and relaxing.

We all cope with things differently. As you are a type A+, I am somewhere between a type Q and R, and maybe I need some of that type A drive every now and then. Hang in there and try not to stress so much. I lost a wife to cancer when she was 36 and I was 38. I know what pressure is with 2 kids at the time at 13 and 15. We had some stressful days, but I always figured some how we would get by. Kids both graduated college and I was lucky enough to find love a second time as my bride and I will celebrate our 10 th anniversary in March. Hang in there. Again, the find a man line was not meant to be derogatory. Peace. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and happy new year.

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Me thinks that Mrs. jvleeuw is a lucky lady.

@@jvleeuw

Thank-you for the clarification. I'm glad I chose to take it the way it seems you meant it. I'm sorry that you lost your first wife at such a young age and I am certain that raising children on your own was a far more difficult situation than I have ever dealt with. Congrats on your upcoming anniversary and I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday season!

You know, I don't know you. You're a person on a message board who I've occasionally agreed with, occasionally disagreed with and that was pretty much the sum total of it. Today I became a huge fan of you.

I'm sorry about law school and I have no advice to offer you, but after seeing you here over the last 6 months and seeing your ability to be you without concern for group-think or being in the 'norm', I can't help but think that you're going to be just fine. With all that you've related of your life, what on earth is EVER going to stop you from doing whatever the hell you want to? If law school is your life-long dream, then go get it. One failed class/final isn't going to stop a woman with your determination and drive, there's just no way.

Throw away the Doritos and Butterfingers bites and get back at it. I'd put money on you adding JD to your name. Hugs.

I can't add anything more to the good wishes and advice already given, except to add that I also wish you the best and hope that you'll keep us informed. We're rooting for you!

I'm sorry to hear about your recent struggles! I second the suggestion to talk to your professor. If that doesn't work you might want to contact the university ombudsman or if you have a counselor perhaps they could write a letter on your behalf. If you do qualify for an accommodation maybe you can retake the exam with an accommodation? If not, you can still be successful. Believe in yourself and don't give up!

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Law school is awful. I put my husband through. He graduated in the top 5% of his undergraduate class and struggled with his grades in law school. The not being able to work thing almost killed us. I was working a crap retail job that really didn't pay enough. He didn't get any scholarships and now has $150k in student loan debt because we took every cent possible to make sure we had a roof over our head (seriously, DC area is freaking expensive - my paycheck didn't even cover our rent). When he got out, it was right in the middle of this last recession and no jobs were available. He interned with all the public-interest groups who were all in hiring freezes. The situation is pretty bad when you go to a tier I school with no employment prospects afterwards. All the people who got hired when they graduated had family firms and connections, which we had none of. When the freezes ended, they only wanted people fresh out of school. It really didn't prepare him for anything afterwards at all. He does criminal defense and he had to learn pretty much everything. Like right now, he just started a new firm and is learning the civil sides because trying to get people to pay their bills is nearly impossible sometimes. I'm just glad his stuff is doing well enough so that I can go to school full-time and not work, especially since my college is tough (it's an honor's college).

The kicker is, his school keeps begging us for money. We haven't even started paying his loans back. And the fact that they changed their name to "honor" one of the biggest disgraces to the legal profession (and Supreme Court - sorry to get political, but yeah, not happy about that name change) means they can go well.. uh.. yeah. If they had the money to do that, then they don't need the money we don't have.

Relax, breathe, relax. Drink a glass of wine (if that's your thing). Don't go overboard: law school almost made my husband an alcoholic.

Yes, an F can be catastrophic. But it sounds like you've done pretty well other than that class. Fingers crossed for you that it pulls you up over that hump. If they try to kick you out or pull your stuff, appeal it. Explain your situation: your life, stress / mental health factors, etc. They might have programs to help with that (my husband's law school did).

I have to keep a 3.0 to keep my scholarships and get into the graduate program I want to do. The pressure is on there. I feel ya. I couldn't afford to stay in school if it weren't for my scholarships.

Oh, and the way classes are graded are terrible. I remember his grades being determined 100% by the final exam. Nothing else mattered except that exam.