I am scheduled to undergo a gastric bypass on December 20. While I am looking forward to starting a new, healthier chapter in my life, I have to admit that I am starting to get cold feet. One of the main reasons for this is because of the disapproval of two people with whom I am very close, my mother and my sister.

I told my sister about the surgery date (which is right around the corner), and she became very upset. She feels that I can lose my excess weight (about 100 lbs+) without surgery, that I will not be able to adapt well (at least psychologically speaking) to the changes that weight loss surgery requires. I think that a part of that is due to the clinical depression that I have suffered from for years now, and the potential of the WLS interfering with my meds that I take for it.

Moreover, she brought up the point that I have a history of being impulsive and not following through (which, in some cases in my life, I can't deny). At the end of our conversation, she left it at, "... but it's ultimately your decision," as if resigning herself to what she thinks is going to be a major mistake on my part.

My mom's reaction was similar, but I couldn't even bring myself to tell her about when I have my surgery scheduled... and I *hate* not being 100% truthful with anyone, especially my family.

I know that I am an independent adult and, at the end of the day, I need to make my own decisions and live with the consequences (whether they are positive or negative), but I hate feeling like I am defying the people who I love or am letting them down.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What was the outcome? Any words of wisdom? Anything at all???

Thank you all in advance. - Vagrant Violet

Nickisleeve, it is serious surgery but for the most part sade and very common. Just research your surgeon that's he or she is board certified. Read reviews. My surgeon didn't have a lot of reviews, but he is chief of the department and known to fix others mistakes. I had the sleeve and gallbladder removed in about 30 minutes. His staff and residents think he's a God.

Again with the right surgeon it's very safe

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Thank you so much to everyone who has replied, your words and insights are very, VERY appreciated!

One of the main reasons why I am going to be doing the bypass and am not considering the sleeve is because I am very susceptible to GERD (I had absolutely HORRIBLE GERD during my pregnancy that got me in major hot Water on an international flight... I was coughing so badly that people thought I had tuberculosis! But that's a whole other story! I digress). Anyways...

I have read up on my meds and spoken to my psychologist and psychiatrist (not associated with the medical center/team that will be performing the surgery). I have also been upfront with the team about my history of depression and my imperative need for my meds to be able to work. Thankfully, the two medications that I take are NOT extended release drugs, so as long as I am closely monitored by my doctors and psychiatrist, the idea is that I (hopefully) will not have complications on that front.

I have read up on the operation and pre/post op care a great deal. This has been something that I have been contemplating since about a year and a half ago. However, despite understanding the risks (physical, psychological, or otherwise) that hard to feel like I am making a selfish decision that is hurting people I love. I'll be honest, I think that my biggest worry is not a medical complication, but how the people closest to me are taking it.

I know that their hearts are in the right place and that their intentions are honorable, which makes this decision that much harder. I am keeping my upcoming surgery on a need-to-know basis with almost everyone, but I felt the need to be upfront with my mom and sister, two of the most important people in the world to me.

In any case, thank you all so much again for your input!

Very sincerely, VV

Just my opinion, but it is never selfish to put yourself, and your health above the wishes of others. Also, you should not feel like your decision to put yourself first and take control of your health is hurting other people. By having surgery, taking control of your life and health, you are putting yourself in a better position to take care of others. It is your sister and mother who are being incredibly selfish by making you doubt your decision. Please don't give them the power over your life. It is YOUR life. You are making, in my opinion, one of the best, most courageous decisions you can make to improve your life. I hope you go forward with your surgery, and I wish you luck with any decision you ultimately make.

Just my opinion, but it is never selfish to put yourself, and your health above the wishes of others. Also, you should not feel like your decision to put yourself first and take control of your health is hurting other people. By having surgery, taking control of your life and health, you are putting yourself in a better position to take care of others. It is your sister and mother who are being incredibly selfish by making you doubt your decision. Please don't give them the power over your life. It is YOUR life. You are making, in my opinion, one of the best, most courageous decisions you can make to improve your life. I hope you go forward with your surgery, and I wish you luck with any decision you ultimately make.

Well said. I totally agree!

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I agree with the above poster too

This is the reason I didn't tell anyone before the except my husband and one close friend who I knew would be supportive and not gossip.

The strongest reactions? From my fat friends. Maybe it's to close to home. I have a "high needs" friend who usually doesn't go more that three days without checking in. We usually meet up for Breakfast every second Sunday. I haven hear from her at all and she's canceled breakfast at the last minute twice.

I have quickly lost and slowly regained the same 100 pounds 7 timest in the past 20 years. Then suddenly I could seem to lose any weight even on a very restrictive 1200 calories deit and my A1C was creeping up

What is really weird is that it's the skinny women are so quick to advise that I could have lost the weight AGAIN....argh...

ignore the comments so you can live a long healthy life. You deserve it. We all do.

@@Vagrant Violet

Here is the thing. You probably could lose 100+ on your own. The biggest question is, can you keep it off long term and that is what WLS does for you.

I lost hundreds and hundreds of pounds over the years only to put it all back on and then some. And during that time, I never got to a healthy weight. I also screwed up my metabolism doing that over the years.

When i finally started to go through menopause, I could no longer lose any weight on my own and it started piling on.

Having bypass was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I am thankful everyday.

When it comes to your family, they are simply concerned about you and they do not know enough about obesity to guide you. If they did, they would understand that you would struggle to lose all the weight and ultimately keep it off. That extra weight will have impacts on your life that you cannot even imagine.

If they cannot be supportive then you need to find someone who is. Like a therapist that specializes in obesity and weight loss surgery. They will help guide you through this.

You have worked too hard to quit now. Getting to a surgery date is not easy. Take some time and go talk to someone who can help you.

I wish you all the best and if you need anything feel free to reach out.

I would also say, that bypass is an excellent choice for someone who has severe gerd.

I had it so bad that i literally coughed everyday, all day long violently for over a year before my bypass.

The day i had my bypass was the first day of the rest of my life. I can eat whatever i want and i do not even get mild heartburn. Not that i do eat whatever I want LOL. I will say since having my bypass i crave spicy foods and never cared for them before because they always made me sick.

Now i make chicken taco meat and i spice it up like crazy for me, put it on top of a salad and and I am happy as a clam. I still love food but I am careful about what I choose to eat. It better taste great and be good for me.

I really do wish you the best!

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied, your words and insights are very, VERY appreciated!

One of the main reasons why I am going to be doing the bypass and am not considering the sleeve is because I am very susceptible to GERD (I had absolutely HORRIBLE GERD during my pregnancy that got me in major hot Water on an international flight... I was coughing so badly that people thought I had tuberculosis! But that's a whole other story! I digress). Anyways...

I have read up on my meds and spoken to my psychologist and psychiatrist (not associated with the medical center/team that will be performing the surgery). I have also been upfront with the team about my history of depression and my imperative need for my meds to be able to work. Thankfully, the two medications that I take are NOT extended release drugs, so as long as I am closely monitored by my doctors and psychiatrist, the idea is that I (hopefully) will not have complications on that front.

I have read up on the operation and pre/post op care a great deal. This has been something that I have been contemplating since about a year and a half ago. However, despite understanding the risks (physical, psychological, or otherwise) that hard to feel like I am making a selfish decision that is hurting people I love. I'll be honest, I think that my biggest worry is not a medical complication, but how the people closest to me are taking it.

I know that their hearts are in the right place and that their intentions are honorable, which makes this decision that much harder. I am keeping my upcoming surgery on a need-to-know basis with almost everyone, but I felt the need to be upfront with my mom and sister, two of the most important people in the world to me.

In any case, thank you all so much again for your input!

Very sincerely, VV

You have done your due diligence and research, and are working with your medical team. I know it's hard to have your family against your decision, but ultimately you have to take care of you.

Family usually mean well, but they don't know the whole medical story. My parents were against my having the surgery, but I had to make the right decision for me. I didn't want to hide it from anyone and was prepared to take the flack. They're coming around since I've now had the surgery, lost 55# and haven't had any of the issues they were concerned about. Once we get through Thanksgiving and they see that I'm not a stick in the mud because of food issues, they'll be happy again. (Long story).

My family hasn't agreed with a lot of my decisions, either. But they stopped having any say in them since I've been 18 and lived on my own. Personally, I find it offensive when adults try to force other adults to live the way they think they should live. Adressing concerns and moving on is one thing, but trying to force their will on someone because they think they know what's best for them is another.

Unless you are mentally incompetent (which by several posts I've seen you're absolutely not. You actually have a good head on your shoulders) they should have no say in your life/medical decisions. It's up to us to make our own decisions and then learn from them, good or bad. That's how life works

...feel like I am making a selfish decision that is hurting people I love. I'll be honest, I think that my biggest worry is not a medical complication, but how the people closest to me are taking it.

"Selfish" isn't always that kind of four-letter word. Sometimes it's this kind: G-O-O-D.

As long as you trust that you're ready to commit for the long haul, ask those you love to have faith in you.

Go forth and be amazing.

I am scheduled for December 19th, and while my mom has been very supportive, I have faced a little bit of questioning from my dad and husband. I bring this up because some of what your sister said sounds a bit like what I'm hearing from the men in my life. Chances are she is saying it, not because she doesn't want you to be healthy, but because she is afraid for you. As a fellow person who has struggled with clinical depression (and self-injury) as well as a few cases in my life where I have not followed through on something (y'know, if you ignore everything I have followed through with!), I was also frustrated at the seeming reluctance of people close to me.

Your sister is probably concerned for your safety, your mental well-being, and perhaps selfishly how it will effect her when you are all together. I firmly believe she will get over it. But, you need to do what's right for you! Don't back out if this is what you want and need. She is probably dealing with her own fears and worries right now for you. I know that doesn't make it easier, but they love you!

On that note, I am telling the rest of my family this week at Thanksgiving (two sisters know already...worried about the third and grandma) and my husband's mother (she will not be pleased, but again, I think it is more out of worry for how it could effect me and how it will effect her) in the next week or two.

But, remember, you have everyone here as well!

I struggled, too. In fact, I thought about turning the car around the day of my surgery... I am SO glad I didn't. One thing is true... YOU and ONLY YOU should make this decision. (Your docs should help you make the most informed decision)

I shared this with someone else tonight who is waiting for surgery-- Only you know what you need to do to get through your weight loss struggles. I had many people tell me it was going to be so bad, it's not natural, you'll starve.

I'm not starving, it's just as natural as them being able to stop eating before over eating, and I am adjusting to my new lifestyle.

I had surgery in August and am down 77 pounds from my highest weight... I had lost 18 before surgery. My knee pain is almost gone, I walk so much faster, I'm not short of breath when walking. My old clothes fit, my spirit is up, my depression is better. (I also battle major depressive disorder) People are noticing the weight loss, my reflection in the mirror surprises me and I am so glad I saw it through!

Don't get me wrong, it's not all rainbows and butterflies and there are low points, but it is worth it to regain your health! You got this!

I have suffered from severe depression and fibromyalgia for years. I have had several hospitalizations, and so many med changes I lost count. I even had electro-convulsive therapy. I had to give up my career and take my disability.That's a story all on its own. I opted for the sleeve, because my health had begun to fail me and I had to get the weight off. A lot of it is from medications I have taken over the years. Research your meds, and if any of them cause weight gain, you have to switch or you'll have a hard time losing. I ended up having severe bile reflux--my gallbladder was removed years before my WLS, so bile just backed up into my sleeve and into my esophagus. It was torture. I had to have a revision to bypass to cure the reflux. My psychiatrist had to change two of my meds because they were extended release and I need immediate release now. I have never felt better psychologically. My meds are working great, and the weight loss helps immensely. I still have to do the work in therapy, but for now I am doing surprisingly well. This is a decision that will always fall under great scrutiny; so many people know nothing about WLS and some of them believe in incorrect information. You will have to defend your decision often in the beginning. You are the one who has to live with it and make all the changes. You may just have to wait until you prove them wrong before they will accept it. Some people never will. They will maintain that you should have done it on your own. I make no apologies for my decision. It was right for me. All you can do is try to educate them as to why this is the choice you have made. If you truly believe it is best for you, then do it. Just make sure you are ready to change every aspect of your relationship with food if you have to. It is worth it. Even if you feel alone at first, trust in your decision and follow your instinct about it. Good luck to you. I hope you find your way to what is best for you.