Afternoon all.

I wasn't quite sure where to put this post, but it seems here is the best place, as what I'm going to be talking about today is a huge part of the wls journey and I'm betting everyone here can either relate because they have experienced it, may experience it in the future, or can sympathize because, honestly, I don't know a single overweight person who has not had to deal with the pile of bullsh*t that I've been dealing with lately at some point in their lives.

Last night, I posted a new selfie to Facebook. I've been updating them right along because my face is still changing so much, and I really like being able to see my progress and to quietly share it with my friends and family. I guess this particular selfie made my weight loss especially noticeable, because I woke up this morning to a message from a "friend" on Facebook that essentially said "wow! I'm so happy to see you're getting so healthy! It's so bad that you let yourself get that fat though."

Upon reading this horribly cruel message, I was shocked, humiliated, and for a moment I felt myself blown right back to the place I was two years ago, a place I've worked tirelessly in therapy to climb out of: I felt that I was a worthless, hopeless human being who deserved to be treated this way. When people were cruel to me before, it devastated me because deep down, wayyyy deep down in the darkest and most painful parts of me, I agreed with the horrible things they said to and about me. I must be disgusting, gluttonous, lazy, pathetic, not even worthy of any kind of basic human kindness. After all, I led myself here, right? It's my fault that I'm super-morbidly-obese. I deserve this treatment.

Now, two years later, I more or less look like a normal person. I wear a size 12/14 jeans, a large or medium shirt. I've even gotten to the point where I can sometimes look in a mirror and think "hmm. I think I may feel beautiful today." But messages like the one I got today derail me in a fantastic way, and remind me of that raw, horrible feeling that I'm still struggling with every single day to overcome. His message was almost conspiratorial; like, oh, you're not fat anymore, so we can ridicule and shame your former self together. Like I would agree with him and say "OMG you're right! Fat Me was f*cking disgusting and pathetic. I totally agree with you." Like I was not a person before and now that I am "normal", I am. I hate it more than I can even begin to describe.

I hate that to many people, fat people not only deserve to be treated this way, but also need to be treated this way. There are whole (densely populated, I might add) forums scattered around the internet dedicated to posting pictures and videos of fat people for the sole purpose of shaming and hating them, and the excuse is to somehow motivate fat people into not being fat anymore. That's ludicrous, of course. The real reason is simple. It's pure hate, ignorance, and insecurity on their part. I know this. I believe this. But there is still a little part of me that feels nothing but shame and humiliation in situations like this. Will I always just be "Fat Abby" to the people around me? Am I ever going to escape her? And why should I even hate her in the first place? "Fat Abby" was incredibly sick with a severe hormone disorder, so poor I starved just as often as I gorged on cheap white Pasta and bread, and suicidally depressed. "Fat Abby" had no hope and so did the only logical thing in her mind: she tried to speed up the process of dying young by eating more. That doesn't sound like a lazy, gluttonous piece of crap to me. That sounds like a person who was suffering intensely, every moment of every day. I want to be kind and loving to that hurt former self, not look back and think "man, you were gross. Good thing you're skinny now!"

I've said it before and I'll say it again many times, I'm sure, but I love where I am now. I am so, SO happy that I've made it here, and grateful to everyone and everything the led me here, including my own strong self. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. But it's also important for me now to express these things here, to people who have or will experience them. Losing hundreds of pounds is a completely incredible feat! But it's just the tiny tip of the iceberg compared to the changes your life will go through after surgery. Do these experiences somehow negate my progress or my pride and joy? Absolutely not. They are just part of the story, and part of the journey.

I am not who I was. I will never be that person again. HOWEVER, being happy that I am not there anymore does not mean that I hate "Fat Abby", nor does it mean that I should be ashamed of her. Nor does it mean I deserve to be treated like an object that everyone gets to stare at and judge. Old Me, and I suspect all the Old Yous who are reading this, were just people who were doing the best they could and were suffering, and so we sought weight loss surgery to heal ourselves. We've done amazing things and changed in ways most other people have not even fathomed.

Remember the Old You without the hate and stigma attached to him/her, and the shame and pain that surrounded living as an obese person in a world that absolutely despises and dehumanizes obese people. Love the Old You just as much as you love the New You, and maybe someday you'll reach a point when you see the entire You with the kind of hope, love, and clarity that will keep you healthy and happy forever.

Attached is the selfie that started this. I love you all.

Cervidae

Your beautiful post brought me to tears...I wish I had the ability to express myself in writing the way you do. I absolutely detest the way some people have no regard for other's feelings. Your success is an inspiration to me as I start out on my journey. Thank you so much!

You look great and have done something that most people could not.

You are in a position for you and your family to really start living better

There is always looses that cut others down to compensate for their failures.

Be glad you have shown them what character really is

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Cervidae, sorry I'm obviously not as nice as you but your 'friend' is an ignorant imbecile.

You are such an inspiration, and I have read many of your helpful and thoughtful post.

I guess there will always be people out there who will test our confidence and this numbskull's comment was such an example.

Edited September 20, 20169 yr by WannabeH

Oh, Snap!!!

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I'm crying here! I decided on WLS after I was on vacation in Dominican Republic. I was at restaurant where I was to meet with my sister. I saw her arrive and ask a person if they had seen a fat person. I was reading her lips and her hand gestures. I felt so bad I couldn't stop crying. But Karma is a bitch. She's overweight now and I'm the one having the surgery.

Starting a new Healthy Life

Don't even give those types of comments a second thought...it's just ignorance. You've done such an amazing job on yourself!!!!! Be proud of who you are inside and out regardless of what others may say or think.

-Kelly

I'm crying here! I decided on WLS after I was on vacation in Dominican Republic. I was at restaurant where I was to meet with my sister. I saw her arrive and ask a person if they had seen a fat person. I was reading her lips and her hand gestures. I felt so bad I couldn't stop crying. But Karma is a b***h. She's overweight now and I'm the one having the surgery.

Starting a new Healthy Life

I would skip telling her about the surgery. Sounds like she will say you tooknthe easy way out and yiu did nothing to achieve it.

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You are an amazing and smart girl.... you should tell your story to would be surgical candidates in the future.... all of us need the reminder...that "fat (insert name here)" is and still is very real and we must embrace him or her as well to be whole . Prayers!

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I read your story with interest and more than a little sadness. I was one of those people that looked at fat people with disdain and lack of compassion. I was underweight my whole life until I got pregnant at 18 and gained 60 pounds. But within 2 years, I lost that weight with no effort on my part and was now near normal. I was still underweight but at a more eye pleasing level. I was considered pretty, even beautiful at times! I enjoyed the attention and perks that my looks brought to me without even knowing it.

Then a series of life altering events changed all of that. My only son became addicted to coke and crack. My mother died, my best friend and boss died at age 48 suddenly. Which meant I also lost my job, all within a year!! I also went into early menopause. I bought the business and proceeded to work 18 hours a day for 5 years until my business burned to the ground. I barely made it out alive and lost all of my pets in the fire. By then I had ballooned to 282 pounds.

What I did learn during that time is how much different people treat you based on your looks. Some may say how I was treated was Karma because of my previous feelings about overweight people, but I was never mean, never verbalized my thoughts. Other people are not so kind or circumspect!!

Except for my son and one sister, I told no one about my surgery because I did think I was taking the easy way out!! It's hard now, when people who treated me differently when I was fat, are suddenly nice and attentive to me once again. Anyone who says that there is no such think as fat shaming, has never been on both sides of the fence.

My doctor had told me I would die without the surgery because I had diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems along with chronic, severe back pain. I also suffer from chronic depression. I'm a mess but I'm still here!! If someone had told me that I would still be alive now, I would have laughed in their face!!

My son is clean and sober now and I am of a normal weight. It's no problem for me to realize I'm not fat because I was "normal" for way longer than fat, my problem was always seeing that fat person in the mirror and being taken aback that that person was me!!

I guess all any of us can do is keep on going and enjoying all the little gifts and victories that come with being a healthy weight. The last person that told me how good I looked and how fat I had gotten, I answered him with, "Really??? I hadn't noticed!! Thanks for letting me know cause then I would have lost all that weight sooner! I wish I would have had a mirror, you should have said something!", the look on his face was priceless!

You are so strong. I hate the fat shaming. With the fat acceptance movement, I had family and friends say things like "well it's not ok to be fat so I don't have to accept them." And I explained that, no, being overweight isn't healthy, but that wasn't the point of the movement. It was/is to bring attention to the fact that overweight people get treated so horribly and that we should treat them like human beings and give them the basic kindness and respect that you would give anyone. It's not ok to treat anyone poorly just for their weight. Thank you so much for sharing your journey, I am just starting mine, and reading things like this give me great hope.

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