Hello. It's been a long time since I came on this site or posted. I am scared to death to write this post, as I already know what many of you will say and I also know most of the answers. I'm so scared of all of you because everyone has success stories and I am a complete, dire failure. I had my revision from band to GB last June. I have a lot of emotional problems that are being treated with many medications and weekly therapy. My really good therapist has little experience in WLS or food addiction. We've tried to communicate my issues, but seriously, each time I go in there is a new legitimate crisis that must be addressed first. She speaks about using EMDR to combat my complete refusal to follow my WLS program. But that has yet to be done. I'm completely and profoundly ashamed of myself and it has made me ditch the whole GB life that I was absolutely excited about in the beginning. You're all such a success, even the ones who struggle are doing laps around me. Please don't beat me up for being such a failure, I do that every day.

My highest weight was 372. I put myself on a diet before even applying for WLS and lost 35 pounds. I had the bypass in June a week before my Father died of cancer. I tried so hard. After surgery I lost 35 more pounds, leaving me at 300. And in the deepest shame, I must admit that I only lost 8 pounds since my WLS a year ago. I have never gained, just maintained. At first, I was totally committed, then more crises occurred and I slowly let go of the rules. I know, it's awful. I began to eat a little larger meals at dinner and did not eat all day. It's like torture pushing food into my mouth in the morning. I made egg muffins, did them for a while but gave up. I had a hard time eating at all. Food did not appeal to me. I was doing my Protein and Vitamins religiously, oddly still am. My bloodwork was perfect. If you knew me and my life experiences, you would wonder why I didn't kill myself. But I am. I let go. My stomach never rejected extra food or made me sick. I had hoped I would dump on sugar or something, but that never happened. I began to eat a little sugar and that escalated to more and more. My stomach must be very large as it holds a standard adult meal. I always held in more food than those of you here on the forum. It was suggested that I eat three meals a day and two or three Snacks. I also drink a lot, even pop. By all accounts I should have blown up by now. I did damage and did not care.

I don't really care what I eat. You know the destructive thinking of not caring even though you know it is only killing you. I'm super messed up. I'm a very honest person to others but not to myself. Yes, I hate myself, sometimes. I don't even care (or so I force myself to believe) if I ever lose weight. But honestly, I wish I could get it straight in my head that that is the path I chose with such enthusiasm.

I was diagnosed with severe asthma and put on supplemental oxygen, in and out of the house. Yes, I felt sorry for myself. I have two replaced knees that prevent me from walking well or far. I had to use a walker to get around and do my job. It sucked. But, having lost the weight I did, I was taken off the oxygen, and with a lot of work, began to walk on my own, though not well. I want to go to PT so bad. I lost my job a long time ago (which has taken a mean toll on me) I was denied unemployment, took them to court and am awaiting the judge's decision. If I am denied again, I will request yet another hearing. My husband has been taking care of us on a $9.00 dollar an hour job. The past few months we have been surviving on all the cheapest food, which does not offer much nutrition at all. We are so poor, we sold everything we owned on craigslist for pennies. My husband cooks all our meals, but doesn't really support a WLS diet. I hate to say that he doesn't support my necessary diet. Not cruelly, but just not "think" of it. Especially since I'll eat anything. I can't stand long enough to cook. I tried to sit on a bench to cook, but my legs ended up hurting more. I do the housework I can, and try to walk the supermarket when I can. Good, healthy food is more expensive than we could afford. I'm still managing to get all the protein I can. But financially, we are screwed.

Back to my failure to desire to get back on my diet...I want to care, but my mental health has deteriorated so much I can't. Even my psychiatrist feels for me but I've been on most of the meds that there are no more options. He is worried, as am I. I've looked for groups in my area, found and tried a few, but people don't get bariatric surgery. I was in groups of anorexics, etc. I just don't fit. Like I don't fit here, but I'm reluctantly reaching out. I have a dual diagnosis of severe mental illness and obesity. Its hard to fit in when the two are inter connected and I don't understand how to manage the two. But no weight loss after an entire year is an emergency in my opinion. I'm so hard on myself. I drink so much Water that I float, take in enough supplemental protein and take my prescribed vitamins. I just can't seem to get in a regimen again. I can't even believe I'm sharing this deeply personal and shameful post to you. Keep in mind my dual diagnosis, it is very, very hard for me to care about myself. Even with therapy. I don't regret the surgery at all, as I'm hoping with all my heart that I will make this happen. I'm a survivor. But coasting on no weight loss or gain is not good enough. I did not have this surgery to only fail. But I did. Please don't berate me. I'd just like to see how you successful people would respond to such a post. And, no, there is no easy answer. I need help.

Meyouus, as for the exercising i also have severe knee injuries so i find on you tube exercises i can do while sitting or even exercises for the elderly will help. Something to get your body moving. I also lost my pops to a stroke he suffered for a year and i ate right along with him. When he passed i mourned by eating its around this time i hurt my knees. I was getting to where i could not walk thats when i said enough is enough i will not lose myself to self pity anymore time for change. All my excuses for this that or the other was just that excuses. Once i started figuring out well if i do this i can do that and if i stop buying that i can get this. So far i have quit the soda habit, the smoking habit , next thing im tackling is the eating habit. Enough is enough time for me to be happy.

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Meyouus, as for the exercising i also have severe knee injuries so i find on you tube exercises i can do while sitting or even exercises for the elderly will help. Something to get your body moving. I also lost my pops to a stroke he suffered for a year and i ate right along with him. When he passed i mourned by eating its around this time i hurt my knees. I was getting to where i could not walk thats when i said enough is enough i will not lose myself to self pity anymore time for change. All my excuses for this that or the other was just that excuses. Once i started figuring out well if i do this i can do that and if i stop buying that i can get this. So far i have quit the soda habit, the smoking habit , next thing im tackling is the eating habit. Enough is enough time for me to be happy.

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Well said brother I agree with you.

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