I'm sorry to keep talking about this, but even if nobody answers I don't have a lot of friends to talk to and it helps to get it out

So I've posted before that I'm getting divorced. Recently my husband told me that a big part of the reason for him was that we were sexually incompatible (why didn't he say anything years ago?) One of the things for me was that some of the things he wanted to do I was uncomfortable with but I tried..some of the things I just didn't like or didn't feel good. Recently he started saying things like "well most people like this" or "normal people enjoy this". No matter how many times I would say "well I'm not 'most people' i'm me" he never got it and kept pushing.

Fast forward a little bit and I found out that he was talking to a friend of his often about sexy time...and this friend...well she is a topless burlesque dancer, has a husband but sleeps around with tons of other guys and has been pushing him to date one of the other girls they are friends with. I have nothing against the way she lives her life, but I think it's fair to say that her idea of what is "average" sexual "normal" probably isn't what most people would agree with. I mentioned that to him and he didn't understand at all what I meant

last night he also told me that he had invited this girl that he likes over for dinner and was going to cook for her. He also didn't understand when I told him that sounded like a date...and he told me he didn't want to think about until the divorce was final. Also he didn't understand how another friend that he's known since he was a kid made him dinner and that wasn't a date, but cooking for the girl he has a crush on is a date.

I've also been finding it so hurtful that this girl he wants to date has some of the same habits and characteristics that he said he hated in me

I want to say i dont wish anything bad on him but yeah part of me does want him to get shut down..or to date her and break up and realize how good he had it with me hehehe

Yeah...one more thing this friend said to me that is sooo true. She said the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. Once you don't give a rats ass about him or how he feels or how you hope he feels, you'll know you're on your way

Those of us who have traveled the divorce road before know these things to be true:

1. If it's hard, you have to do it anyway.

2. You can be miserable for a long time or a really long time or a shorter time. How you feel and how long you feel that way are completely your choice.

3. He's no longer your best friend. Really. I mean that. I'm not kidding. Stop imagining that's true. It's not.

4. If you find yourself thinking about him / the marriage / the girlfriend all the time and being miserable, (although I've said this before I'll say it again) get out of bed, get dressed, leave the house, get a job. In other words, get a life. In fact, do that anyway.

5. Focus on your personal growth -- and that includes being a compliant WLS patient. How's that going?

6. Exercise a lot. Make yourself physically tired. This will help a lot to break obsessive ruminations about him / the marriage / the girlfriend.

7. If you can't make progress on your own, find a good therapist who can help you make progress.

@@Sophie74656 - so there was a question in there???

I only got out of this that your husband is inviting a female over to cook dinner. Are you two still living in the same house?

If you are separated why do you care who he has over for dinner? Move on - - you sound like you would be much better of with a goldfish.

She should get a goldfish and flush her husband down the toilet.

@@Sophie74656 - so there was a question in there???

I only got out of this that your husband is inviting a female over to cook dinner. Are you two still living in the same house?

If you are separated why do you care who he has over for dinner? Move on - - you sound like you would be much better of with a goldfish.

She should get a goldfish and flush her husband down the toilet.

LOL....I have a cat does that count?

@@Sophie74656 - if he comes crawling back like AvaFern mentioned, and he probably will, DONT take him back! My ex did and I stupidly took him back. Within a day or two realized I had screwed up and about 3 months later I left for a battered womans shelter with my two kids 3 days before Christmas.

Taking back the 180lbs of "best friend hubby" is like re-gaining weight, post WLS, NOOOoooooOOoooooOoooo!

You woman are amazing. Such good advice! That why I live this site!!!

My husband (now ex-husband) was my best friend as well, since we were 14 yrs old. We were married for 25 years and had 5 great kids. It took me a long time, post divorce to realize he has serious character flaws. Listening to your story, I was reminded of myself, over 10 years ago. His perceived flaws in you and his need to inform you of them, are just a way of justifying his actions to himself. Put that right out of your head. My ex couldn't understand why I would have a problem with him bringing a date to our son's wedding when we weren't even legally separated. Evidently, I am a crazy, selfish b****. Everything was suddenly about him.

My advice to you is to RUN.....like the wind, and don't look back.

(And as you venture into the dating world, be wary of men with his personality traits. You don't want to be in this situation again in 10 years.)

In the beginning he was nice and loving. After some years he changed. But by then i loved him and walking away never occured to me. I know now that it was for the best and i actually wish it happened sooner so i would have been younger. But this is still pretty new and has been a hard habbit to break. He was my best friend

Sophie, I was/am in the same boat as you. I filed for the divorce, which is still pending. For a while now, my soon to be ex-husband complained about how low my sex drive was. He also complained when he would introduce new positions/toys that I hated because it felt degrading or was just downright painful. Because he was my husband, I would attempt them and often times felt disgusted with him during sex. Often times I would look up at the ceiling wishing it was over. My husband is addicted to porn and he refused to seek help for it. He convinced himself he was not addicted despite the fact that he looked at it day and night. We were married for 7 years. And we do not communicate. I have not spoken to my husband since I left home on 12/31/2015. Unless you have kids with him, I don't think it's best for you to talk to him. And even if you do have kids, your conversation needs to be short and to the point. The fact that he has moved on this quickly lets me know that he was never your best friend and he didnt love you. I had to come to that realization myself. My husband told me he loved me but truth is, he never loved me. He just didn't want to be alone. A real man would not do what your husband has done to you. One thing I know, sex don't keep a man. So even if your husband starts this relationship with the topless dancer, eventually that well will dry up--trust me. It's so sad how people think the grass is greener on the other side until they see it is fertilized with SH**. Honey, I say cut your communication with this loser and cut your losses. He is a jerk and abusive. One day he's going to look back and wish he never left. You deserve so much better than this guy. Realize your worth. I am starting to realize mine.

Edited March 29, 201610 yr by Lexigurl82

@Lexigurl8

Thank you, and i hope it goes well for you too

And thank you everyone for your words and support. I am currently living with my parents and they have been super supportive. I actually went back to our apartment to pack up some things and for the first time i didnt leave crying

@@Lexigurl82 - you are exactly right and @@Sophie74656 needs to hear it from someone who is going thru the same sort of Sh!t - right now.

Yes, divorce sucks. I married at 22 after knowing my BF for 5 years. I divorced him 7 years later.

It killed me to think that my love for him wasn't ENOUGH and neither were our two children. I loved him more than he loved me and that was obvious and hard to wrap my brain around. I wish I could've talked to him before he passed away and I could have told him thank you for our two kids. A few years after the divorce, the anger was gone. It was sad to think he would never "know" his kids. The he got sick and died at 37, 6-1/2 after we divorced. My son who looks a lot like him doesn't have really any memories because last time he saw him alive he was 2-1/2 and he is currently in re-hab for drugs...our daughter is married with two kids and done very well and struggles with her feelings wit her brothers drug issues.

It wasn't easy/pretty but I did get "over" it. He slept around, was verbally abusive and I thought only smoking pot. I found out later it was a lot more than that....naïve.

Don't take him back - please....either of you. Listen to an old lady from Florida....

I dated a girl once who went from painfully awkward and scared of even just heavy petting to full blown BDSM. I completely understand that you make an effort... but you decide where and what your line is.

The well everyone else thinks this is ok thing is just a wheedling juvenile "Mommy can I have a toy?" gambit. As is telling you that he's gonna bring her home and cook for her.

The good news is that there are billions upon billions of people out there. Time to open the sample box.

@@Sophie74656 - so there was a question in there???

I only got out of this that your husband is inviting a female over to cook dinner. Are you two still living in the same house?

If you are separated why do you care who he has over for dinner? Move on - - you sound like you would be much better of with a goldfish.

She should get a goldfish and flush her husband down the toilet.

LOL....I have a cat does that count?

Yes! Cats rule - Dogs drool! and goldfish... well they just kinda seem boring and you can't cuddle them - I love my cats

There is no sugar coating this. Looks like he has moved on and so should you! I am on my 2nd marriage and I know exactly how you feel. I promise it does get better but you need to stop talking to him and continue on with your new life. Stay busy and every day it gets better. Try and find a new hobby or better yet buy you a puppy! That will keep you busy enough and keep your mind on something other than him. A best friend would never hurt you and would be there for you in your time of need....so your idea of a best friend and my idea must be totally different. If that was me you would only have to tell me once instead of letting him use you as a door mat. Only you can take up for yourself and by that you need to stop all communications! A ex is an ex for a reason.

Good luck and I know you can do this. Someone great is waiting on you out there!

@@Sophie74656 - I'm sorry to hear about this. I'm glad you are out and beginning to heal. It's a long term process and don't sell it short, it's important to grieve and grow at your pace. From a guys position, it sounds like the trust wasn't there to tell you earlier (this is not a judgement on you) in the relationship and he can now share because there is no perceived loss on his part. According to what I've read from reading Dr. John Gottman (https://www.gottman.com/) that is a big red flag that the relationship is dead or dying.

Sorry for stumbling in on the discussion, but if you like the Bob and Tom show humor, you might like this audio clip, I parked it here: https://www.mediafire.com/folder/wt0ib922m75c9/Tammy (you have to download the MP3)

BTW, not safe for work, but if you think you have it bad, you could be this lady's mother in law.

Ladies, you might appreciate this article on relationships which I think will be too far out there for most, but I think she has some interesting points: mariahfreya.com/9-lessons-i-have-learned-from-my-9-year-relationship

And I'll excuse myself now, thanks for your indulgence ladies.