I'm sorry to keep talking about this, but even if nobody answers I don't have a lot of friends to talk to and it helps to get it out

So I've posted before that I'm getting divorced. Recently my husband told me that a big part of the reason for him was that we were sexually incompatible (why didn't he say anything years ago?) One of the things for me was that some of the things he wanted to do I was uncomfortable with but I tried..some of the things I just didn't like or didn't feel good. Recently he started saying things like "well most people like this" or "normal people enjoy this". No matter how many times I would say "well I'm not 'most people' i'm me" he never got it and kept pushing.

Fast forward a little bit and I found out that he was talking to a friend of his often about sexy time...and this friend...well she is a topless burlesque dancer, has a husband but sleeps around with tons of other guys and has been pushing him to date one of the other girls they are friends with. I have nothing against the way she lives her life, but I think it's fair to say that her idea of what is "average" sexual "normal" probably isn't what most people would agree with. I mentioned that to him and he didn't understand at all what I meant

last night he also told me that he had invited this girl that he likes over for dinner and was going to cook for her. He also didn't understand when I told him that sounded like a date...and he told me he didn't want to think about until the divorce was final. Also he didn't understand how another friend that he's known since he was a kid made him dinner and that wasn't a date, but cooking for the girl he has a crush on is a date.

I've also been finding it so hurtful that this girl he wants to date has some of the same habits and characteristics that he said he hated in me

@@Sophie74656 - so there was a question in there???

I only got out of this that your husband is inviting a female over to cook dinner. Are you two still living in the same house?

If you are separated why do you care who he has over for dinner? Move on - - you sound like you would be much better off with a goldfish.

No im not living there but we still communicate refularly. I am trying to move on but he has been my lifr for the past 12 years. Its hard to just sever the ties

One of my long term relationships ended over sexual incompatibility. I agree that he probably should have brought it up much sooner. Sex is a pretty important component of most romantic relationships, so if it's not working and can't be fixed, I think it's perfectly justifiable to move on. I'm sorry you are having a rough time cutting ties with him, though. I can understand that you have probably shared almost everything for 12 years and suddenly not having that person to talk to can be a real challenge. I have been there too. I hope you can work through it and past it with time. You can find other friends and outlets for your emotions. And even if you continue to stay in touch (I do with all of my exes), it can be a more disconnected way that allows you both to freely move on with your separate lives.

Basic questions: Why would you love someone who treats you that way?

Why are you still communicating with him? (unless exchange of children is involved).

The best thing you can do is walk away and don't look back. You have so much potential for happiness and peace of mind ahead of you.

One excuse is as good as another when you don't want to do something. It could have been because you burned the toast or he doesn't like for you to wear the color blue.......who knows. He does not want to be there, so kick him to the curb, already.

Don't let him suck away your joy. He is a joy-sucker. And by the way, forcing someone to perform sexual acts that they don't want to, is a crime.

Basic questions: Why would you love someone who treats you that way?

Why are you still communicating with him? (unless exchange of children is involved).

The best thing you can do is walk away and don't look back. You have so much potential for happiness and peace of mind ahead of you.

One excuse is as good as another when you don't want to do something. It could have been because you burned the toast or he doesn't like for you to wear the color blue.......who knows. He does not want to be there, so kick him to the curb, already.

Don't let him suck away your joy. He is a joy-sucker. And by the way, forcing someone to perform sexual acts that they don't want to, is a crime.

In the beginning he was nice and loving. After some years he changed. But by then i loved him and walking away never occured to me. I know now that it was for the best and i actually wish it happened sooner so i would have been younger. But this is still pretty new and has been a hard habbit to break. He was my best friend

Sounds like it's time to move on emotionally. Do what you can to find new interests, new friends, new anything to distract yourself. It's painful, but it's for the best.

I am definately trying to move on. Hasnt been easy

After 12 years of marriage, of course breaking up is difficult. It sounds, though, as if he's the one who's divorcing while you're hanging in for the long haul.

His sexual appetites cover more territory than yours and you made it known all along. Whatever he things will change for him when he's with other women has nothing to do with you. So, yes, TMI, but it's his doing, not yours by posting. Tell him to talk about it elsewhere instead of implying that you're inadequate and unsuited to a prize such as he..

Edited March 22, 201610 yr by WLSResources/ClothingExch

But this is still pretty new and has been a hard habbit to break. He was my best friend

If he treats you this way he was no friend, best or otherwise. You deserve much, much better.

I totally understand how hard breaking up is. You need to sever the ties permanently by speaking with him it still holds you at whatever level to him, that isn't making it easier for your. Let go, move on, seek new friends, cry, cry and cry some more(if you have to). There will be bright sunshine at the end of the tunnel! Oh and don't let him tell you that everyone else is doing it................because they are not. What sex acts people enjoy is personal to each one. A little funny I spoke with a woman years ago and she stated how gross and ugly she thought a man's private parts were!! I am sure we can all imagine that she isn't getting too close!! So yah, not everyone is doing it!!!

When my first husband passed away, I was inconsolable, destroyed, angry, grief-stricken..etc. I kept trying to figure out how to change the outcome ridiculous as it was. I was a zombie for months just going through the motions. When I joined Parents Without Partners, a friend I had in the organization told me that divorce is the death of a marriage rather than the death of a spouse. The feelings however, are very similar.

Sounds to me that you are in that grieving phase. The marriage is dead but you are still trying to figure out how to change the outcome. I hear very familiar things when you say you have no one to go to and he was your best friend. Many nights, I laid in bed talking to a dead man. Hell, I still do and it's been more than 20 years.

Just like with the death of a loved one, you will over time, learn to accept the loss of your marriage and find happiness in other ways. It took me a long time to couple up again and I had my share of frogs along the way but I also made wonderful relationships with other 'uncoupled' women that meant everything to me...and still do.

Find a support group where your story will resonate and you will find others who feel as you do. Right now you can't see past the end of your nose, but many of us know that at some point, you'll wonder why you let that good for nothing take up so much space in your life and head.

Thank you everyone

In theory, there isn't really a "normal" in terms of sex- everyone likes different things and as long as everyone is happy and no one is hurt in the process, I try to consider their preferences to be normal. But, no, being married and dating multiple people is not the statistical majority of marriages, so if you want to define "normal" by "most commonly accepted behavior" the no, your husband's desire is not normal so to speak. Also, he is telling you about his little date to make you jealous and get a rise out of you- the chances of him getting laid are fairly slim and frankly a woman who puts out for free dinner is not someone you need to be jealous of. Return the favor...don't ask him about his love life, but feel free to volunteer all kinds of fun images of your own. They don't have to be true, all is fair and love and war and there is nothing wrong with a little bit of payback. I imagine that once he thinks you are having a good time all on your own, suddenly his little dinner ho-ho's won't be quite so interesting.

In terms of compatibility, I recently dated a great guy who I liked a lot and we were just not very good in bed. I don't know why- it probably had something to do with neither of us having a ton of experience, however that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of us purely because in one area we might not be as aligned as we had hoped for. Sometimes you can work through this, sometimes you can't, but in the end, tolerating communication with your ex husband who wants to make you jealous because he's making some chick dinner is not how a self-respecting woman goes about her day. If he insists on talking- your life is fabulous, you have dates galore, and you hope he has a fantastic time with whatever random lady friend he happens to pick up for the night. Then you don't talk to him. Silence will do far more for this kind of situation than bs trying to be "friends" or keeping him around at all. Walk away. You will certainly find better and he will certainly come crawling after you like a sad little puppy when he realizes he no longer has any control over how you feel about yourself, your former marriage, or your fabulous future.

I want to say i dont wish anything bad on him but yeah part of me does want him to get shut down..or to date her and break up and realize how good he had it with me hehehe

If a person has certain desires and their partner is unable or unwilling to meet those desires, it can be a big blow to the ego of that person, especially if it is something that people consider common like oral sex, and their partner refuses to do it. /r/deadbedroom offers a lot of insight into this, you can read about what sexual incompatibility does to relationships and people from both perspectives.

So your husband probably has a lot of resentment over his needs not being met and he is being an ass and going out of his way to make you jealous as payback.

As other people have said, you have to cut off contact with him. I can't imagine how hard that is to do after all these years, but if you can go a few weeks with no contact with him, it will do you both a lot of good.