Recently I have turned a small extra bedroom into a closet (because I am a clothes glutton like that) and the renovation process is almost done so I can finally begin to hang up and organize my clothes. For the most part I have boxed up everything that doesn't fit me and put it into storage, instead of just giving it away like I should have, however recently I ordered a few dresses online in a size small and when they came they were too big, so I just ordered the extra small instead with the intent to bring the bigger size bag to the store for a refund. I cannot quite bring myself to do this.

I recognize for many it is stupid to be concerned that one day I won't fit into my extra small dresses and god forbid I will have to wear small, but for me it is this little bit of panic as part of my everyday life. I weigh myself on three scales every morning, not because I am entirely a freak but because one scale is wifi, one scale was the one I have had for probably almost a decade and it does cool measurements (Ironman scale) and one scale that has big bright blue numbers that I have taken a picture of every single morning since surgery. I have found that my sanity is slightly better when I can see that if I gained a pound on one scale, but not on the others, I really do not send myself spiraling into a day of starvation and protein shakes because I can see how a fluctuation on one scale is not represented on the others, so there is no need to freak out. Now..on days where all three scales show an increase, well those are bad days. Fortunately, I gain 2-3 pounds and then I lose it and all seems to be ok.

But...back to my closet problem, which is not a bad problem to have, I'm not complaining. Now that I fit in sizes that I am proud of, I have this fabulous collection of clothing and everytime I walk into my closet I have this moment of panic about how almost everything in the closet is new (ish) and if I do not spend every single day of the rest of my life being extremely careful with what I eat I will go right back to my old closet where everything was big and dark colored and there were no silk fabrics, or pretty flowers, or bold chevrons...where I never wore heels because outside of the fact that they hurt my feet I saw no reason to put the proverbial lipstick on a pig.

As I swap around my old closet, which has primarily stuff I wore before and my new closet, which is mostly new stuff, I have a very hard time getting rid of the fat clothes. What if I end up fat and poor and I have no money to buy new clothing? My new closet design was supposed to be this really awesome thing, and I am finding that it is a glaring reminder of how easy it is to fall right back into my old life, of browns, blacks, flats, and sadness.

Purge purge purge! Also, while going through my closet..... A lot of my items I remembered buying at lane Bryant when I worked there. I haven't worked there since the year of September 11th. It feel so nice to be getting rid of these items, plus it'll be fun to refill when I reach goal.

I love how we have all found what pretty well works for us. I too weigh daily, and find it keeps me sane. I only consider what my average for a few days running is though, since a day fluctuation is common.

Donating those first couple of pairs of really big pants was wonderful! It was so good, that I kept doing it as I went. When I saw Eggface's website and her picture in her (half of the) largest size pants and sort of wished I'd kept a pair! Still, I'm okay now that I didn't, because knowing me - I think I'd just feel bad looking at them.

Thanks to you all for being on here, being so candid, and so generous in offering ideas and advice!