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Rant from a single woman!



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So, here I am, 35 and fixing to undergo RNY surgery in August. I'm not, in my mind, an overly large woman (the doctors and their charts tend to disagree), but due to multiple medical ailments, I haven't been unable to lose weight, and in fact, keep gaining. I'm okay with having the surgery, but in the mean time, trying to find a good man is nearly impossible. I'm sure they are out there, but thus far, I have met guys for dinner and never heard back from them. A few have told me straight up that I'm to "big" for their likes. Each to his own, but I wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyway. Here is my rant/dilemma...if I'm having a hard time finding a guy now, and I have surgery, then all of a sudden guys want to date, that really shows how shallow they are. Me and my lack-of-a-filter mouth is likely to say something if this were the case and it might not go so well!

I've heard the same in the past from friends who had lap band surgery, but I'm not sure how to politely ask them WTH?!?! Has anyone experienced this? Not being able to find a person to date then all of a sudden, you lose weight and they're knocking at your door? How do you handle this?

I don't expect the guys to be lining up outside my door, by any means. A few people at work know I'm having the surgery (I'm open and honest about having the surgery) and I've even had a few guy tell me "You're going to be so skinny I'm going to want to date you!" WTH!!! Not interested....NEXT!

Just putting this out there and seeing if any others think/feel the same or experienced this and have any input.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlotgnvSwsg - good video on the subject

I think this, I don't know whether its me but I seem to think the majority of people are just so shallow! I like to think that I have more to offer than just my looks but its looks that seems to reel people in :(

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You've touched on a definite worry I have about surgery too! I do already have a boyfriend who loves me no matter what my weight is and trust me, I don't take that for granted. I have a sister who has made some pretty awful bigoted comments to me in the past. Several years ago when I was job hunting, she told me no one would hire me because I was overweight (I've made four vertical moves in my career since then). She's also tried to have a few "interventions" with and given me all kinds of unsolicited advice. I worry a little about what she and people in my life who are like her will say after I lose weight. I'm still going to be the same person! I think you coworker's comment was pretty rude, btw, though I know I'm hearing it out of context. Unless I could tell the comment was harmless, I'd want to say yeah, but you'll still be an asshole so it won't work.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlotgnvSwsg - good video on the subject

I think this, I don't know whether its me but I seem to think the majority of people are just so shallow! I like to think that I have more to offer than just my looks but its looks that seems to reel people in :(

Great video! Thanks for sharing! I'm glad that I'm not the only one to think/feel this way!

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I don't have a problem with the fact that a lot of men want me now who would never have looked at me twice two years ago. We can't help what we are attracted to and to be honest I have zero interest in dating a fat guy, so I don't really get to get mad if men have no interest in me because I'm a fat girl. My logic is that dating is a bit like selling a house. Do you put the house on the market when the tile is torn up, the kitchen is from the 60's, and the carpet is stained? No, because you recognized that you are not going to get a quality buyer because the house is unattractive.

Comparably, appearances matter in people too. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who pants and heaves and sweats all over you, while crushing you in bed? Do you want a man who can't sit comfortably in booths at dinner, who can't ride roller coasters with you, who can't shop in normal stores, and who has a serious health condition that you will need to deal with if you are his partner? Do you want to be with someone who can't control their eating, who is not healthy, and who very well may have other complications as a result of their weight? I can't speak for you, but I certainly don't.

Wanting to date a person who is a healthy weight is not shallow, it's simply a fact of life for many people. We cannot help who we are attracted to. I don't like super skinny dudes, fat dudes, or really tall dudes....I'm not shallow I just know what I want so I don't waste their time. Don't you appreciate that someone else does the same for you if physically they realize they just aren't into you?

I'm not saying you're not a wonderful person, a kind, loving, fantastic woman who deserves all of the love in the world. I'm saying don't get offended because guys aren't into you for whatever reason. I got dumped once when I was 130 pounds because my boobs were too big, once because I wasn't tan enough, once because I was too short, and once because I was too fat (at the time I was about 145). Not everyone is going to like everyone, so I personally am fine with a man not wanting to date me if he's not physically attracted to me because otherwise he's simply wasting both of our time. I remodeled my "house" and my buyer's market dramatically improved. It's not being shallow, it's simply understanding how the game works.

Also, as a note, your tracker says you are 200 pounds, which is NOT a big woman. There are plenty of men who are very happy with a woman that size and plenty that want someone bigger or smaller. You just have to find the right one. Good luck! :)

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@@SassyTassy

Here is my comment scale...

Nice compliment - Hilarious compliment - Backhanded/negative compliment - to uncomfortable and creepy compliment

The men topic. When I was heavy I was disregarded disrespected and invisible. They now look, They hold doors open. Make a point to talk to you. It amazes me the value people put on looks.

@ I also love the video. It hits home.

We are lucky in life to experience the world as an obese person to a healthy weight person. For me its a good perspective to know who likes me for me..or who is only interested in the appearance.

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I was very lucky and hit the lottery with my wife, I always dated and never had real problems except for the occasional "I think we should be friends" but even thin people encounter this, I was at 360lbs when we met and had been divorced for 4 yrs swearing off marriage, she had a slight accent since she was from South Africa, blue eyes, blonde hair, and a size 6 the day I said "in case it doesn't work out, you are the most amazingly strong woman I have ever met, and you got smarts!" On the third time we met she said she was gonna marry me, we have never looked back, 8yrs, 2 step boys, she gave me a daughter, and my twin boys, she is now working on her Masters after completing her Bachelors in April, and midway next year will start on her PhD, she also advocated for me through this process to get some of the costs down, now she asks me sometimes if I'm gonna leave her when I get thinner, I tell her no, I would be very stupid and shallow, and I know what I married, my only problem is that as I'm getting in shape and losing weight I am finding girls staring at me more, and people that never talked to me wanting to be friends, it is very hard to be humble when your raging inside, I'm very polite, but I'm yelling internally " hey I'm the same guy you used to avoid, what the hell is wrong with you!" I guess if I was single I would hope that I'd meet someone with enough integrity that I could tell right off the bat," hey I used to weigh 388lbs at one point what do you think about that?" Lol good luck sincerely

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My opinion as a single woman who has been at goal for awhile... they aren't being shallow. I don't want to date obese men now either. i am not a fat hater, I don't disrespect overweight people, but I am not attracted nor do i want the physical limitations and less active lifestyle, more food focused lifestyle that can come with obesity.

As far as the going from invisible to visible.. that was a head trip. I don't resent the world for it, because in truth I changed ALOT, not just in looks. I was always fairly outgoing (or so i thought) but now I bring a whole different energy that attracts people. i have had girlfriends tell me that. One skinny girl pal was frank and honest enough to tell me that she always liked me but sensed a wall around me (she wasn't talking about the physical fat suit) and now I just seem so warm and open by comparison.

I know that everyone claims they don't change - it is everybody else that changed.. . I don't know if that is really the case. People of both genders will treat you different when you are slimmer because you likely have really changed inside as well as outside.

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So, here I am, 35 and fixing to undergo RNY surgery in August. I'm not, in my mind, an overly large woman (the doctors and their charts tend to disagree), but due to multiple medical ailments, I haven't been unable to lose weight, and in fact, keep gaining. I'm okay with having the surgery, but in the mean time, trying to find a good man is nearly impossible. I'm sure they are out there, but thus far, I have met guys for dinner and never heard back from them. A few have told me straight up that I'm to "big" for their likes. Each to his own, but I wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyway. Here is my rant/dilemma...if I'm having a hard time finding a guy now, and I have surgery, then all of a sudden guys want to date, that really shows how shallow they are. Me and my lack-of-a-filter mouth is likely to say something if this were the case and it might not go so well!

I've heard the same in the past from friends who had lap band surgery, but I'm not sure how to politely ask them WTH?!?! Has anyone experienced this? Not being able to find a person to date then all of a sudden, you lose weight and they're knocking at your door? How do you handle this?

I don't expect the guys to be lining up outside my door, by any means. A few people at work know I'm having the surgery (I'm open and honest about having the surgery) and I've even had a few guy tell me "You're going to be so skinny I'm going to want to date you!" WTH!!! Not interested....NEXT!

Just putting this out there and seeing if any others think/feel the same or experienced this and have any input.

It's not just men that are shallow, women are that way too. That comment from a coworker even if it was to be a compliment was not what someone should say to another person. As an overweight man I run into the same issue. I am always the "friend" and never good enough to be the "boyfriend". Maybe this will change when I get to goal, maybe not. Only time will tell.

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@AvaFern - perfect.

Being fat keeps you from getting dates? I could go on the same rant about being single and 52. It's enough to make me want to lie about my age. Many women don't want to date a guy "in his 50's." [What is wrong with 22 year old girls today anyway ;-) *ahem* that was a JOKE].

@@SassyTassy - There is a butt for every seat. But I will say that if you have a chip on your shoulder about this, it will come through and block you from getting dates. You might even be scaring very nice guys away. Yes we should never disregard something because of the container, but we have eyes and we use them. We are bombarded by nearly 65,000 media images a day...and the ones with pretty women on them get more attention than any other -- and that is by both sexes (look at the covers of women's magazines).

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@AvaFern - perfect.

Being fat keeps you from getting dates? I could go on the same rant about being single and 52. It's enough to make me want to lie about my age. Many women don't want to date a guy "in his 50's." [What is wrong with 22 year old girls today anyway ;-) *ahem* that was a JOKE].

@@SassyTassy - There is a butt for every seat. But I will say that if you have a chip on your shoulder about this, it will come through and block you from getting dates. You might even be scaring very nice guys away. Yes we should never disregard something because of the container, but we have eyes and we use them. We are bombarded by nearly 65,000 media images a day...and the ones with pretty women on them get more attention than any other -- and that is by both sexes (look at the covers of women's magazines).

I don't have a chip on my shoulder, but I do find it interesting how people respond to people of size. I do agree with other posts that we want what we want, etc., I just wanted to know how others feel and respond to society treating them different.

I truly appreciate all the comments from everyone here! :)

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@@SassyTassy

I don't have anything to add because I've been married to a man for 26 years that can't keep his hands off of me whether I'm thin or fat, but you are very pretty. When you lose the weight, you are going to be fighting them off with a stick, whether you like it or not ;)

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@@SassyTassy

I don't have anything to add because I've been married to a man for 26 years that can't keep his hands off of me whether I'm thin or fat, but you are very pretty. When you lose the weight, you are going to be fighting them off with a stick, whether you like it or not ;)

@@Babbs

Thank you for your sweet comment. I can only hope I can one day find a man and have a marriage like yours! ;)

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Well dating sucks for everyone over 30. It doesn't matter your weight. When you are thin men are still going to be jerks. You just might have a larger pool of jerks to swim in.

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@OutsideMatchInside - 99% of men on online dating sites give the rest of us a bad name ;-). All you can do some dates is just smile, roll your eyes and say "waiter, check please."

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