I generally mind my own business when I meet a very obese person

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I did however strike up a conversation with a man, probably mid to late 50s who is clearly disabled by obesity. He walks painfully with a cane, I would say he is headed toward a scooter soon.

Anyway, after we chatted for awhile I brought up that I used to weigh twice what I do now, I didn't get into the surgery or anything. He replied "at this point, I have decided that I just enjoy my food and drink too much and am not willing to change".

It hit me in a very positive way. I mean, this man is clearly intelligent, understands there are options and has made his choice. Of course what i know NOW but didn't know then is how much better life is when you aren't packing around the weight of an extra human - dang that is exhausting and demoralizing! Even so, I must acknowledge that the sacrifices are significant too.

Anyway, I share this tidbit as I know many of us want to become WLS evangelists but not everyone wants to be "saved". I pretty much feel that way about the religion peddlers that knock on my door too... so I get it.

[Jerr_Bear 241]

Nice little story there. Unfortunately, we are all slaves to our own choices. I definitely make no excuses for the bad choices I have made in the past. I guess I got to a certain point where I decided that I want to at least experience a life that was always just out of reach for me because of my weight before I die. But I wouldn't feel right imposing that on someone else, because at the end of the day, it's a very personal decision.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

But! But! But! You're wrong!!!!!

Everyone must THINK.ACT.SPEAK.FEEL. just like ME.

Good post.

[LeeBee17 80]

I wouldn't dream of talking to an obese person about their weight. It's not my place and who am I to judge? I feel strongly about it, because I think back to how upset I would have been if someone accosted me at my heaviest and offered advice, even if well-meaning. I appreciate from your post that you are not preachy or a WLS evangelist (lol good term). This man seems to be reconciled with his choices, so good for him!

[sharonintx 1,275]

I used to work for a man that in high school was the big football star, nice looking guy, got married, good job, 2 kids. Then he gained weight and never stopped gaining. He was about 350 lbs. His family member had WLS and after seeing her transformation he decided he should do it as well.

First he said he didn't have the money because his insurance copay was 7500.00. I was the bookkeeper in his office so i put back money little by little ( rightfully owed to him - he was owner) and when it totaled 7500.00 I told him about it.

He never made an appt,, he found reasons to change his mind, and basically did nothing. A new life for him sitting there on a silver platter and he wouldn't take it.

?? I don 't know why people make the choices they do.

[beachgurl84 456]

Hmmmm interesting because that's how I used to feel about smoking. I smoked for about 10 years and honestly, I loved it. I knew it was dangerous, knew I stank, knew it was a waste of money. BUT....I loved it and I didn't want to change. Sure, I tried quitting many times, but I never truly wanted to and that played a big part in failing every time.

As a matter of fact, I do believe I would still be smoking today if I had been allowed to proceed with my surgery without quitting. Thankfully, my doc required nicotine tests for 90 days prior to surgery. WLS was what tipped the scale in my desire to quit smoking. And now that I'm on a path to a healthier life and I'm free of that addiction, I would never dream of going back to it.

So I can relate to him. I guess many of us have something we know is bad but we just don't want to quit. It takes finding something you want more that makes it worthwhile. I guess if he's happy with his life, more power to him!

Edited April 2, 2015 by beachgurl84

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I agree completely that no one can make someone else change their life.

But people stay trapped in situations created by their prior choices for several reasons -- and one of those reasons is that they literally don't know about new options / choices that are now available.

That's how I was about gastric sleeve surgery. As I've posted before, I literally had never heard of VSG surgery until it was described by someone who answered the phone at a bariatric clinic when I made an anonymous inquiry about lapband surgery.

Of course, there are bad ways and better ways of presenting information. You could say, "Hey, Fatty -- you should have WLS!" or you could introduce the subject organically in an ongoing conversation -- particularly if your correspondent has already introduced the subject of weight or health themselves.

After all, I sometimes have good conversations on airplanes with strangers about topics I'd never broach with someone I knew socially.

But I do agree -- this is a very, very touchy subject.

[MountianGirl 109]

I would've been absolutely mortified if someone had tried to approach me with this, no matter how sensitive or caring their intentions were. It took me a long time to come to terms with the changes I needed to make to live a life after WLS and that's a very personal thing. As an obese person you absolutely dread anyone trying to "help" you make better choices. When people ask me now how I'm losing so much weight I tell them I eat a lot less food and do a lot more moving. Unless they themselves are in the same boat I was, then I explain my journey. But only if they ask. Otherwise, and this is hard for me at the best of times, I keep my mouth shut.

[SoulGlo 75]

Kudos to you for hearing him out and respecting his opinion/decision even if you don't agree with it.

With his current stance, there would be no point trying to tell him to lose weight (unaided) or seek surgery, he doesn't seem like he presently has the mind frame to battle through it. Luckily opinion/stances are not set in stone, maybe in a few years he might change his mind.

[Jerr_Bear 241]

I respectfully disagree with those who say more power to him, or good for him. I know this forum is about encouragement and support, but I find it downright tragic that this man feels so far gone that he thinks there is no saving him. Maybe a lifetime of being fat, and not feeling worthy has him feeling that he's not worth saving. Maybe he's just too afraid of the uncertainty that accompanies such a huge life change. This is a very difficult decision to make, and with as much bravado as I like to project about it, there are some nights where I just don't know if I can do it. I know it's his decision, and it's not my place to try to impose my point of view on him. I would never do such a thing. Because I have been in his shoes. His situation is tragic, and I have all the sympathy in the world for him. But to say more power to him, or good for him on continually making such a self-destructive lifestyle choice I also cannot do. Would we say such a thing to drug addicts who say that they love drugs too much to quit? I just find his situation saddening and all I can do is hope he decides he wants better for himself. Just my opinion.

[Stevehud 1,790]

its a denial thing, its how we enable ourselves to be who we are. I compare it to smoking. For many years while i smoked i would talk to other smokers and say " i dont even want to quit, I enjoy my cigarettes and i enjoy being a smoker." the truth that we dont admit or even see is that we are rationalizing our lifestyle by saying those things. We give ourselves a coping mechanism to why we are the way we are. So to say i enjoy my food and drink, well didnt we all? if we didnt enjoy it we wouldnt have been where we were/are. its a catch 22 in that respect. now while i do not tell people hey get WLS your fat. I cannot help but wonder if i had been talked to years before how much happier and healthier i would be now. Heck i used to walk with two canes and that was just over a year ago, now i ride 10 miles on a exercise bike. the diffferences are extreme, and i never knew this could even be possible. When people would say on tv and such, how much energy they have, i thought they were all just lying and saying it for advertising etc. but its the damn truth.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I hear all of you... but truth is he knows his situation quite clearly. I opened the door and he closed it... so enuf said.

This is the only time I have talked to someone about my weight loss in that kind of context and I am not likely to do it again. It is intrusive.

If someone asks me (that has happened a few times) and really wants to know, that is a different story.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

The thing is, you don't KNOW how you may have affected him, he may have just taken that information home with him and DID something about it. You may have planted a seed where none may have ever entered that thing we call a brain before! This is where faith comes in. AND SLAPS US AROUND A BIT, I might add!

Nothing will grow without a seed, a graft, whatever you want to call it, but it MUST be placed, then left to grow, or not. Now, that doesn't mean we all go out and shout to the world what we have done and tell of our success stories, or force everyone who is over-weight to listen to us. But IF there is an OPPORTUNITY, and it can be told with GRACE, leaving the person with DIGNITY, then have at it! You may just be saving someone's life (in more ways than one!!!).

And off of the platform I go......... ......

[SkinnyDown 409]

I've had people who have lost weight through bariatric surgery tell me that's what I needed. At the time....not what I wanted to hear. I was actually pretty insulted at the time.

I was a 30 year smoker. I've been smoke free for over a year, and I wouldn't dream of telling others to quit. If I don't want to be around their smoke now, I leave the room.

We've all seen this before, a person "reforms", and starts preaching to others to change. That's just the wrong way to do things, in my opinion.

It's none of my business, what people want to do. Destructive or not...it's not my call, not my business and not my right to judge. That's just how I live my life...NOW, because I've spent a lot of time in my life trying to help people get off booze, drugs, you name it, while I was clearly addicted to food. The day I woke up and realized, I have got to do something about me first...was the day I stopped trying to help everyone else. Me first, now. I have my own addictions to deal with.

It's usually always a good practice in my opinion, to stay out of other's people's business. Just my opinion.

[Cleo's Mom 257]

I did however strike up a conversation with a man, probably mid to late 50s who is clearly disabled by obesity. He walks painfully with a cane, I would say he is headed toward a scooter soon.

Anyway, after we chatted for awhile I brought up that I used to weigh twice what I do now, I didn't get into the surgery or anything. He replied "at this point, I have decided that I just enjoy my food and drink too much and am not willing to change".

It hit me in a very positive way. I mean, this man is clearly intelligent, understands there are options and has made his choice. Of course what i know NOW but didn't know then is how much better life is when you aren't packing around the weight of an extra human - dang that is exhausting and demoralizing! Even so, I must acknowledge that the sacrifices are significant too.

Anyway, I share this tidbit as I know many of us want to become WLS evangelists but not everyone wants to be "saved". I pretty much feel that way about the religion peddlers that knock on my door too... so I get it.

My dad was obese and he loved food. He was a gentle soul who had a good heart. He was a very generous person who didn't complain and worked hard. But he loved food. The only times I ever saw him in a bad mood was when my mother put him on a diet (she too was obese). I don't know if he knew the health risks of obesity but I will say that he enjoyed life and lived what was for his generation a normal life span. His weight never seemed to stop him from doing anything (perhaps his age did). I guess I am glad he chose to be happy.