Variation on Body Dysmorphic Disorder

[anaxila 501]

The APA (American Psychiatric Association) recognizes something called "Body Dysmorphic Disorder" as a psychiatric condition. It basically means this (copied from wikipedia): "a disorder that involves belief that one's own appearance is unusually defective and is worthy of being hidden or fixed... If the perceived flaw has any foundation in reality, it is typically minor, though severely exaggerated." It's usually diagnosed in people with anorexia, to explain how someone can look in the mirror and describe their 80-pound body as grossly fat.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately as I get ready for surgery (28 days and counting!), and review pictures of myself throughout my life. I was "the fat kid" from an early age, but when I look at pictures of myself in elementary school, junior high, etc, I hardly see what the problem was. I was on the soft side of normal, but you'd never know it for the teasing I got and the self-hatred I heaped on myself. I weighed 185 when I got married in 1993, and was so incredibly disappointed in myself for failing to lose weight in advance of the wedding and making my (ex-)husband stand up and marry such a gross person that I could hardly bear to stand up there and go through the thing.

Now fast-forward 20 years. Depending on the day, I'm just over or just under 300 pounds at 5'4". That's a BMI of 50-51. I am not psychotic about avoiding them, but I generally don't spend a lot of time with mirrors or cameras. And now that I am seriously, dangerously, actually obese, my mind's latest trick is the "I'm not THAT fat" game.

I am literally two little boxes from being off the printed BMI scale entirely, and even the largest plus-sized clothing made by my employer has only about a 50/50 chance of fitting. I have diabetes, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, the whole package. But somehow, I still catch myself wondering if I really need surgery. I've recently realized that in my mind I am about a hundred pounds lighter. The only times I am really aware of how I look is when I'm sitting in the hair stylist's chair for highlights (they take forever, and the mirror is huge), or when I see pictures. I finished my MBA program last weekend, and I am horrified by the pictures from graduation - "Is THAT how I look? OMG, I'm huge!" I feel it in the physical discomfort of moving through the world at this size, but in my mind's eye I'm much smaller than reality shows me.

It's just interesting to me how my mind plays tricks on me. When I wasn't that heavy I was convinced that I was grossly fat. And now that I am seriously out of control, my mind tries to convince me that everything is not that bad. I wonder if I will have a realistic picture at any point: if my mind and body will match up somewhere along the way.

Edited December 9, 2014 by anaxila

[Laurac727 92]

OMG you are me! I have read many of your posts and thought it now this just sealed it! I almost posted this when u were posting on your mom and dad (nail on the head to mine) but this yes! Are u sure we are not somehow related lol.

Just think, soon u really will be 100 pounds lighter! Just don't cross back to the other feelings. Our minds are amazing machines, and learned responses and protective in nature of the ID. With that being said, your mind may be in protection mode, knowing pain n hurt u feel w reality and does that as a coping method. Then comes pics or mirrors, hurt and ouch; hence your brain goes to protection mode! Wow I just used my masters in nursing on that one! If I could do that w myself haha ..........

You got this and 28 more days u will be on your way and need to retrain that brain of yours!

[atatudegirl 3]

Wow, I thought was the only one! I play the not that fat game too. I'm post op 7 weeks and have lost 50 lbs. and thought wow I should be able to shop and just feel great! Ummmm no, not even close yet. It was a real eye opener that 50 pounds didn't make drastic changes in sizes yet. The only time I feel "fat" is when I see a photo of myself now. But as a kid I felt huge all the time. I look at those pics now and would give anything to be that size again.

Thanks for sharing and helping know I'm not the only one.....

[wildGoose 207]

Me too. My highest weight was 320, but I can rarely say that. I avoided mirrors for maybe 10 years, to the point where I would brush my teeth from the side of the sink! I had uniform clothes choices, so I didn't have to do major shopping. The things that I would do to avoid having to confront how I really looked!!! Oh my. The thing that got me, was when I was diagnosed with MORBID obesity. I spent 7 years making my way to weight loss surgery. I got myself down to 280, and they put me on a pre-surgical liquid diet and lost 25 lbs. I'm about 7 weeks out from my surgery, and I can just kick myself for waiting so long. I'm so grateful that I had the surgery. But I am still dealing with my body image, and how people perceive me. And this is having only lost 50 lbs. Not even half of where I want to be.

Thanks too all the people who posted above me. Such a gift.