As most of you know, the love of my life passed away at the age of 48 on June 8. He was really my world but I know I have to move on. I'm up 23 pounds since his diagnosis and death in the past 6 months. The last 10 pounds came on quick. I've actually put off my blood work for 6 months and am having this done on Wed. I do not have a thyroid so if my levels are off it could cause some of the gain. I honestly do not eat. I know that is part of the problem. I don't eat food much and when I do I get nauseous. I drink lattes and frappes and eat fudge sickles and just sugar liquid that just goes right on down and gives me the a good feeling of comfort for awhile. Caffeine and sugar. Sugar the devil! I'm so disappointed in myself. I know that my husband wouldn't want me to do this. I try every day to do better but to no avail. I've tried sugar free crap. I hate it. Unfortunately, the sugar is my comfort and my demise. I am 2 years and 2 months out and I kept off my weight until his diagnosis in January. I know that people say that a 20 lb weight gain is pretty normal this far out but I never made it to goal. I feel so fat and terrible. I can't wear my size 10 or 12's and now its back to a 14/16. I just hate it. Lord, I need help.

I'm attaching a poem I wrote called "Heaven On A Sunday". This is exactly how the last day of my husbands life really was. I know I'm traumatized because taking care of him for the last 6 months and losing him is just so much to handle. Seeing cancer eat up the person you love so very much. Seeing him go from 48 to looking 90 is beyond what I can comprehend. I miss him very much. Thanks for reading and I appreciate all of you.

Heaven On A Sunday

You left me on a Sunday.

My life will never be the same.

Such a day of suffering for you and me;

But yours was so much more to be.

You tried to talk but could not.

Still things you and I needed to say.

You tried to grab my hand to say good bye,

But you had no strength left inside.

You turned to look at me with those once beautiful eyes.

Now showing stress of your long journey of this terrible thing inside.

You seem to say to me everything would be okay.

You were on your way to Heaven on this Sunday.

As I watched your breath so labored and hard,

Your chest rises and falls.

My heart breaks into pieces to never be whole again.

I see the pain you have endured and the scars on your body of a battle you fought so very hard.

Tears rolled down my cheeks for the last time your name I call.

I kiss your lips and tell you to go with our Savior.

I watch you with my heart overflowing with love,

As life leaves your face and you look at me for the very last time.

I know you have gone above.

Your body relaxes and my heart is crushed.

I know my life will never be the same.

God took you home at seven on a Sunday.

I can’t seem to get away from the pain.

I live with the pain of losing you everyday.

I relive each and every heartbreaking moment of that Sunday.

I pray for strength, Grace, and Mercy.

God please take my pain away.

I pray the pain will lessen and my heart won’t break as much next Sunday as today.

God took you home on a Sunday.

I miss you more than I can say.

If I had a choice of what day our Lord would come for me,

I have to say, I would choose to go to Heaven on a Sunday.

Just like the Lord took you that day.

Written by Lisa Beckermann for her Love Barry Bear.

Oh, Lisa, I stumbled on your post somehow (I am a bander) and it touched my heart. I am sending you love, light and prayers.

The suggestion of drinking Protein shakes is a good one. May I also suggest hard exercise? Working out was the only thing that brought me relief when I lost someone I loved very much recently. It did something, I don't know what, to make me feel alive and in the moment, for brief periods of time. And we need that, so very much, when we're overwhelmed with grief.

I am sorry you lost your beautiful husband. He is still lovingly watching over you, I'm sure. Xx

Dearest Lisa: your poem is so beautiful just like the love you shared with your husband. I know you are so devastated and I hope you can begin to care for your self bit by bit. Cowgirl jane and Isareno's advice is really good, IMO. May God send you lots of love and light. Helen

My condolences to you on your loss. I know it must be very hard for you, but I hope you find comfort from the people who care for you.

Lisa, I'm so sorry to learn of your beloved husband's passing. Peace be with you. I too underestimated what a loss might do to my post goal progress. I am finding it very difficult to get my head and my heart back to some sense of normalcy. I don't have any advice just wishing the best for you.

Lisa I've been away from the boards for a while and I'm sorry to learn of your loss. You wrote a beautiful poem and I can't even begin to imagine your pain. I'm just so sorry. Hugs.

Lisa I've been away from the boards for a while and I'm sorry to learn of your loss. You wrote a beautiful poem and I can't even begin to imagine your pain. I'm just so sorry. Hugs.

Thank you so much. I had his headstone set yesterday. It was a hard day. I'm so upset. I miss him more than I can even express. I'm still gaining weight. Lord, I need help. I'm not eating just still drinking the sugar in coffee and eating fudgesicles. So basically. I'm addicted to sugar but only the kind I drink or like I said fudgesicles. My PCP did labs and told me my metabolism is non existent. I need to get out and walk and stop the stupid fudgesicles!! Pray for me. I'm so scared I'm going to gain back ALL of my weight. :'( He was 48. His birthday is coming up next month. God help me love myself because he wouldn't want this for me. Here is a picture of his stone. He loved his trucks. He built them from the frame up. The one on the stone is his last project. A 1949 Chevrolet. God I miss him.

The headstone and pic looks awesome, Lisa. Praying for you today. I know, like you said, your husband would want you to have a rich, fulfilling life. I believe you can and will.

Lisa, I know you are grieving terribly. I really understand that.

But have you and your PCP discussed whether an antidepressant would benefit you at this point?

(Very sincere question.)

Dear Lisa: my heart goes out to you. You have been so incredibly brave and strong in facing your husband's death and caring for him. I think you may be experiencing PTSD. I went thru this after the death of my brother with whom I was very close. He suffered greatly and I was there with him. Here are some suggestions.

1. If you haven't already please find a grief counselor or group to attend.

2. Try an antidepressant medication to see if it helps you.

3. Don't buy anymore fudge-sickles, you are in an addiction-like behavior.

4. Try to take small, positive steps in your self-care. Drink some ensure, take your Vitamins and supplements, have one meal of real food, take a 1/2 hour walk; whatever you feel will help.

5. Write in a journal everything you are feeling and all your memories of your husband. Try to write about the joyful times you had together and all the things about him that you loved. Try to shift your focus away from all that he suffered. He would not want you to be stuck in those memories and would want you to remember him in his prime.

I have no doubt he is an angel now watching over you. Try to feel the love of his presence in your life, even though his physical life has ended.

I hope my thoughts are helpful to you.

The headstone is lovely, and that is a great way to honor his love of trucks.

I love Chelenka's suggestions Lisa. Take small steps. Do one good thing for yourself today. Sending you a hug and praying for you...

Edited October 4, 201411 yr by M2G

Sorry for your lost hope things get better

Lisa I've been away from the boards for a while and I'm sorry to learn of your loss. You wrote a beautiful poem and I can't even begin to imagine your pain. I'm just so sorry. Hugs.

Thank you so much.

I'm so sincerely sorry for your loss. It's a tough time to not only deal with the grieving process but also have a surgery where it requires you to focus on yourself in order to be successful while you'restill in the grieving process. Give yourself some time and don't be hard on yourself. I know it's easier said than done but you'll find your path and you'll also be successful. I'm sure this is it what you want to hear but just give it time. Things will unfold and you find your niche and lose the weight that you want. I think you said that you put off blood work and things of that nature but it's really important to follow through with that type of stuff because could be going on and preventing you from losing the weight – you never now. I know it's hard to focus on yourself when you're grieving for someone you love so very much but you'll find your way.

You're in our thoughts and prayers

Blessings