Miserable - Relationship Sucks

[Miss Mac 6,261]

My first husband of 23 years was not a d**k to start with, but he turned into one. We got married too young - I was 19, he was 20. As we grew into mature adults, our interests became miles apart. he was not a smoker, but he became a prolific cheater. My church upbringing had trained me to "pray and stay", but when Aids became a serious topic, I could not continue because of risks to my own health. I left with my clothes and my dignity and our daughters (ages 15 and 17). Guess what? He helped us pack. Then he asked me to make him a sandwich before I left. My last words to him were "Make your own damn sandwich!" I filed for divorce (pro se - no lawyer) from another state and got the divorce without any trouble.

My second husband of 10 years was a d**k from the start but he hid it very well. He quickly become controlling and soon we built a new house ten miles out in the country down a gravel road in between the corn and the Beans, 1/4 mile from a paved road. He even isolated me from my family for that time. I believed that because he did not hit me, I should just "pray and stay". But the psychological abuse became worse. The verbal abuse went from privately at home to publicly everywhere we went. I began to think I deserved being treated badly because that is the way that two husbands perceived me. Then it got to where he was throwing things at me and eventually threatened my life - big concern as we had five loaded guns in the house because of his paranoia. I slept with my clothes on, never knowing when I might have to flee. I even thought that maybe I should just walk into the swamp that was on the property lne and drown myself because when he kills me that is where he would ditch my body anyway.

Even though my name was on the mortgage, it was HIS house and HIS furnishings. He was a smoker, too and was not about to quit because of anything I said. With the help of my employer, I left from work early and went to a womens' shelter. They helped me get a professional's perspective and file for divorce and the county paid for it, since it involved life-threatening abuse. The sheriff arranged for me to get my stuff while he was absent from the house. Once again, I left with my clothes and my dignity and my life, and never looked back. I moved 250 miles away.

After that, I took a two year break from relationships to get my head together and decide who I am when no one else is deciding when to eat and where to go and what to watch on TV. I did not know who I was after going from Daddy's good girl, to first hubbys door mat to second hubby's slave (that's a sad story not to be told here - I escaped from a psycho-savage and lived to tell about it),

I went back to college and finished my degree at the age of 54. I reconnected with my daughters and have them and a sister nearby to give me that family closeness that I missed out on for ten years. Eight years ago I met an amazing gentleman who treats me like the queen of the universe. He is a gift and treats me so well. My family includes him in their lives and my grandchildren crawl over him and love him like a grandpa.

He smokes and I don't like it, but he has not asked me to change and I have not asked him to change. We have accepted each other as we are and it makes life so much easier.

Now, I have said all of that to say this: You have to pick your battles. Cheating is a good reason to leave. Abuse is a good reason to live. You have to decide if the smoking itself is the reason you want to leave, or are their other legitimate deal-breakers building up? Have you outgrown each other? Do you argue constantly? You have already said that you guys do not communicate for days. It sounds to me like their is a volcano of hurt and emotion boiling under the surface.

Does he still love you or are you just used to each other? Do you still love him? If not, then you have to quit thinking "I live him, so why does he treat me this way?" and start thinking "Why would I live someone who treats me this way?" When I was at the doctor to have an injury treated, I told him the truth about where my injuries were coming from and he asked me "Then why are you still there?"

So I am asking you to consider this: Chill out and make up until after your surgery. You wouldn't be the first couple to search back and find that common ground that brought you together, then build a compromise you can live with. Maybe he can smoke outside on nice days. Get Hepa filters for your furnace. Get those smoke grabber machines (some are small - hubby #2 and a couple of them that were attached to ash trays, and if he was using that ash tray, he would turn it on) There are smoke killer air fresheners. There are any number of ways to reduce your exposure. I even put a small fan by my side of the bed so that when my dear sweet boyfriend lights up, it will blow the smoke right back to him.

Then when you have your surgery, you will know exactly how he feels about you. Let him take you to the hospital. Will he stay while you are prepared for surgery? Will he hold your hand when the nurse puts in your IV? Will he be in the recovery room when you come to? Will he come to your bedside as often possible to be your voice when you are weak from the anesthetic and stress of surgery?

When you get home will he do the laundry, make Soup for you, go shopping to get things that you need for proper recovery? Will he be sensiitive about what he eats in front of you while you are adjusting to your new tummy boss? (and your tummy WILL be your new boss). Will he pick flowers from the garden (or the flower case at the store) and bring them to your bedside?

By the way he treats you, will know what you need to do when you are strong enough to do it. But, in order for him to properly express how he feels, you need to remove the frustration factor. You have to know where you stand when you are not in his face about the smoking. You have to clear the air, so to speak. So, go back to your wedding day and look for clues that will help you find your balance and then decide if your marriage can be saved or if you have to step out and do your own thing. You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I wish you good health and good luck.

[April206 128]

My favorite professor told our sociology class: "Let me save you $10,000 in therapy. The only person you can change is you." Sounds like there is more to this than the smoking issue.

After I read your post I thought a bit about what you said. Yes, there is a lot more going on here than I can really share in good conscience because they are too private and sharing them would be a betrayal to him, even in a forum that is relatively anonymous. There's no drug use, cheating, he doesn't drink or beat me or anything like that. I just had the revelation that having this surgery is opening up a whole can of worms for me. It's bringing to the surface things I have suppressed over the past 20 years, things I didn't want to deal with or think about that I pushed to the subconscious level. And I think that is what is happening to him too. And it's not very pretty.

Totally understandable! And I feel your pain as I'm also married to a passive-aggressive guy I hope everything works out for both of you.

[Kissifur 244]

My first husband of 23 years was not a d**k to start with, but he turned into one. We got married too young - I was 19, he was 20. As we grew into mature adults, our interests became miles apart. he was not a smoker, but he became a prolific cheater. My church upbringing had trained me to "pray and stay", but when Aids became a serious topic, I could not continue because of risks to my own health. I left with my clothes and my dignity and our daughters (ages 15 and 17). Guess what? He helped us pack. Then he asked me to make him a sandwich before I left. My last words to him were "Make your own damn sandwich!" I filed for divorce (pro se - no lawyer) from another state and got the divorce without any trouble.

My second husband of 10 years was a d**k from the start but he hid it very well. He quickly become controlling and soon we built a new house ten miles out in the country down a gravel road in between the corn and the Beans, 1/4 mile from a paved road. He even isolated me from my family for that time. I believed that because he did not hit me, I should just "pray and stay". But the psychological abuse became worse. The verbal abuse went from privately at home to publicly everywhere we went. I began to think I deserved being treated badly because that is the way that two husbands perceived me. Then it got to where he was throwing things at me and eventually threatened my life - big concern as we had five loaded guns in the house because of his paranoia. I slept with my clothes on, never knowing when I might have to flee. I even thought that maybe I should just walk into the swamp that was on the property lne and drown myself because when he kills me that is where he would ditch my body anyway.

Even though my name was on the mortgage, it was HIS house and HIS furnishings. He was a smoker, too and was not about to quit because of anything I said. With the help of my employer, I left from work early and went to a womens' shelter. They helped me get a professional's perspective and file for divorce and the county paid for it, since it involved life-threatening abuse. The sheriff arranged for me to get my stuff while he was absent from the house. Once again, I left with my clothes and my dignity and my life, and never looked back. I moved 250 miles away.

After that, I took a two year break from relationships to get my head together and decide who I am when no one else is deciding when to eat and where to go and what to watch on TV. I did not know who I was after going from Daddy's good girl, to first hubbys door mat to second hubby's slave (that's a sad story not to be told here - I escaped from a psycho-savage and lived to tell about it),

I went back to college and finished my degree at the age of 54. I reconnected with my daughters and have them and a sister nearby to give me that family closeness that I missed out on for ten years. Eight years ago I met an amazing gentleman who treats me like the queen of the universe. He is a gift and treats me so well. My family includes him in their lives and my grandchildren crawl over him and love him like a grandpa.

He smokes and I don't like it, but he has not asked me to change and I have not asked him to change. We have accepted each other as we are and it makes life so much easier.

Now, I have said all of that to say this: You have to pick your battles. Cheating is a good reason to leave. Abuse is a good reason to live. You have to decide if the smoking itself is the reason you want to leave, or are their other legitimate deal-breakers building up? Have you outgrown each other? Do you argue constantly? You have already said that you guys do not communicate for days. It sounds to me like their is a volcano of hurt and emotion boiling under the surface.

Does he still love you or are you just used to each other? Do you still love him? If not, then you have to quit thinking "I live him, so why does he treat me this way?" and start thinking "Why would I live someone who treats me this way?" When I was at the doctor to have an injury treated, I told him the truth about where my injuries were coming from and he asked me "Then why are you still there?"

So I am asking you to consider this: Chill out and make up until after your surgery. You wouldn't be the first couple to search back and find that common ground that brought you together, then build a compromise you can live with. Maybe he can smoke outside on nice days. Get Hepa filters for your furnace. Get those smoke grabber machines (some are small - hubby #2 and a couple of them that were attached to ash trays, and if he was using that ash tray, he would turn it on) There are smoke killer air fresheners. There are any number of ways to reduce your exposure. I even put a small fan by my side of the bed so that when my dear sweet boyfriend lights up, it will blow the smoke right back to him.

Then when you have your surgery, you will know exactly how he feels about you. Let him take you to the hospital. Will he stay while you are prepared for surgery? Will he hold your hand when the nurse puts in your IV? Will he be in the recovery room when you come to? Will he come to your bedside as often possible to be your voice when you are weak from the anesthetic and stress of surgery?

When you get home will he do the laundry, make Soup for you, go shopping to get things that you need for proper recovery? Will he be sensiitive about what he eats in front of you while you are adjusting to your new tummy boss? (and your tummy WILL be your new boss). Will he pick flowers from the garden (or the flower case at the store) and bring them to your bedside?

By the way he treats you, will know what you need to do when you are strong enough to do it. But, in order for him to properly express how he feels, you need to remove the frustration factor. You have to know where you stand when you are not in his face about the smoking. You have to clear the air, so to speak. So, go back to your wedding day and look for clues that will help you find your balance and then decide if your marriage can be saved or if you have to step out and do your own thing. You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I wish you good health and good luck.

Wow! I am so glad you have found someone who knows your worth. Thank you for sharing your story.

[BSU 61]

My favorite professor told our sociology class: "Let me save you $10,000 in therapy. The only person you can change is you." Sounds like there is more to this than the smoking issue.

Summary: try sugar not vinegar

Sorry to hear things are so rough between the two of you.

I do not smoke, but as I am on this Board I do have some familiarity with unhealthy habits. Let me throw something out there. I could not be told to lose weight. I knew I had a problem. I knew it was unhealthy. I knew my wife wanted me to lose weight because she loved me and that she wasn't just trying to annoy me. However, "harping" just pissed me off. It was counterproductive. I finally found this path on my own and am appreciative that my wife supports me.

Your husband apologized and you told him he needed a psychiatrist. Maybe he does, but that was not a productive response on your part. You may feel hurt that he gave in to his addiction, but I bet he is also very hurt by your behavior.

A more productive path may be to express concern and offer that, when he is ready, you will help him in whatever way he wants. Now, he may never get there on his own, but pushing and harping on him hasn't worked very well either.

[HaddocksEyes 205]

I'm young and have been married for less than two years, but here it goes...

My husband and I met online 13 years ago (I was 13 years old), we've been together for almost 8 years now, and half of that time was long-distance. We've been through a lot. There were years of what we now call "the dark time". Various forms of betrayal, and I know that pain well. We both have had to overcome demons. His neglect growing up and subsequent low self-esteem led to lying. He lied and hid just about anything that could upset or disappoint me. This included his off and on smoking habit. For all the lies I'd either play detective to find the truth or he'd admit to it long after the fact. The betrayal would tear me to pieces, so much more out of proportion than the actual offense would have. It was a self-perpetuating cycle. The more upset I'd get, the more he'd feel he needed to hide unhappy truths, and the more he lied, the more damaged and scarred I became.

Anyway... Counselling counselling counselling. That's the only way we've recovered. We have a better understanding of our own and each others weaknesses. I know he'll lie again under stress, and we're both better prepared to overcome that.

Also, I've read this book like 8 times. http://www.shaunti.com/book/for-women-only-2/

There's a For Men Only too.. I gave a copy to my husband as a gift with my own notes and scratched out parts that didn't hold true to me personally.

P.S. He uses a vaporizer now with the rare cigarette.

Thank you so much for sharing. You may be young, but you are wise. I really appreciate the suggestions and I did look up the link you sent - I am going to order her book. Thank you again!

[HaddocksEyes 205]

Summary: try sugar not vinegar

Sorry to hear things are so rough between the two of you.

I do not smoke, but as I am on this Board I do have some familiarity with unhealthy habits. Let me throw something out there. I could not be told to lose weight. I knew I had a problem. I knew it was unhealthy. I knew my wife wanted me to lose weight because she loved me and that she wasn't just trying to annoy me. However, "harping" just pissed me off. It was counterproductive. I finally found this path on my own and am appreciative that my wife supports me.

Your husband apologized and you told him he needed a psychiatrist. Maybe he does, but that was not a productive response on your part. You may feel hurt that he gave in to his addiction, but I bet he is also very hurt by your behavior.

A more productive path may be to express concern and offer that, when he is ready, you will help him in whatever way he wants. Now, he may never get there on his own, but pushing and harping on him hasn't worked very well either.

We did finally talk and what it came down to was exactly what you said - he was very hurt by the way I have been acting and was very concerned that it would get worse as time went on and as I lost weight I would become increasingly difficult to live with. I have been making him feel really bad and for that I apologized profusely. I had no idea how I was making him feel because I was so preoccupied with what I was feeling. Not a bad thing but when you don't consider others too, not so good.

Thank you for taking the time to post a response - you were right!

[HaddocksEyes 205]

My first husband of 23 years was not a d**k to start with, but he turned into one. We got married too young - I was 19, he was 20. As we grew into mature adults, our interests became miles apart. he was not a smoker, but he became a prolific cheater. My church upbringing had trained me to "pray and stay", but when Aids became a serious topic, I could not continue because of risks to my own health. I left with my clothes and my dignity and our daughters (ages 15 and 17). Guess what? He helped us pack. Then he asked me to make him a sandwich before I left. My last words to him were "Make your own damn sandwich!" I filed for divorce (pro se - no lawyer) from another state and got the divorce without any trouble.

My second husband of 10 years was a d**k from the start but he hid it very well. He quickly become controlling and soon we built a new house ten miles out in the country down a gravel road in between the corn and the Beans, 1/4 mile from a paved road. He even isolated me from my family for that time. I believed that because he did not hit me, I should just "pray and stay". But the psychological abuse became worse. The verbal abuse went from privately at home to publicly everywhere we went. I began to think I deserved being treated badly because that is the way that two husbands perceived me. Then it got to where he was throwing things at me and eventually threatened my life - big concern as we had five loaded guns in the house because of his paranoia. I slept with my clothes on, never knowing when I might have to flee. I even thought that maybe I should just walk into the swamp that was on the property lne and drown myself because when he kills me that is where he would ditch my body anyway.

Even though my name was on the mortgage, it was HIS house and HIS furnishings. He was a smoker, too and was not about to quit because of anything I said. With the help of my employer, I left from work early and went to a womens' shelter. They helped me get a professional's perspective and file for divorce and the county paid for it, since it involved life-threatening abuse. The sheriff arranged for me to get my stuff while he was absent from the house. Once again, I left with my clothes and my dignity and my life, and never looked back. I moved 250 miles away.

After that, I took a two year break from relationships to get my head together and decide who I am when no one else is deciding when to eat and where to go and what to watch on TV. I did not know who I was after going from Daddy's good girl, to first hubbys door mat to second hubby's slave (that's a sad story not to be told here - I escaped from a psycho-savage and lived to tell about it),

I went back to college and finished my degree at the age of 54. I reconnected with my daughters and have them and a sister nearby to give me that family closeness that I missed out on for ten years. Eight years ago I met an amazing gentleman who treats me like the queen of the universe. He is a gift and treats me so well. My family includes him in their lives and my grandchildren crawl over him and love him like a grandpa.

He smokes and I don't like it, but he has not asked me to change and I have not asked him to change. We have accepted each other as we are and it makes life so much easier.

Now, I have said all of that to say this: You have to pick your battles. Cheating is a good reason to leave. Abuse is a good reason to live. You have to decide if the smoking itself is the reason you want to leave, or are their other legitimate deal-breakers building up? Have you outgrown each other? Do you argue constantly? You have already said that you guys do not communicate for days. It sounds to me like their is a volcano of hurt and emotion boiling under the surface.

Does he still love you or are you just used to each other? Do you still love him? If not, then you have to quit thinking "I live him, so why does he treat me this way?" and start thinking "Why would I live someone who treats me this way?" When I was at the doctor to have an injury treated, I told him the truth about where my injuries were coming from and he asked me "Then why are you still there?"

So I am asking you to consider this: Chill out and make up until after your surgery. You wouldn't be the first couple to search back and find that common ground that brought you together, then build a compromise you can live with. Maybe he can smoke outside on nice days. Get Hepa filters for your furnace. Get those smoke grabber machines (some are small - hubby #2 and a couple of them that were attached to ash trays, and if he was using that ash tray, he would turn it on) There are smoke killer air fresheners. There are any number of ways to reduce your exposure. I even put a small fan by my side of the bed so that when my dear sweet boyfriend lights up, it will blow the smoke right back to him.

Then when you have your surgery, you will know exactly how he feels about you. Let him take you to the hospital. Will he stay while you are prepared for surgery? Will he hold your hand when the nurse puts in your IV? Will he be in the recovery room when you come to? Will he come to your bedside as often possible to be your voice when you are weak from the anesthetic and stress of surgery?

When you get home will he do the laundry, make Soup for you, go shopping to get things that you need for proper recovery? Will he be sensiitive about what he eats in front of you while you are adjusting to your new tummy boss? (and your tummy WILL be your new boss). Will he pick flowers from the garden (or the flower case at the store) and bring them to your bedside?

By the way he treats you, will know what you need to do when you are strong enough to do it. But, in order for him to properly express how he feels, you need to remove the frustration factor. You have to know where you stand when you are not in his face about the smoking. You have to clear the air, so to speak. So, go back to your wedding day and look for clues that will help you find your balance and then decide if your marriage can be saved or if you have to step out and do your own thing. You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I wish you good health and good luck.

I am so glad for you that you found a happy place. And you are right about comparing smoking to being abused, either verbally or physically. Abuse is far and away a more severe problem to face. I'm so happy that you don't have to deal with it anymore.

He's really a great guy and I need to remember that this is a stressful time for everyone involved and more TLC and understanding than usual should be given and extended to everyone in the family.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really appreciate it.

[par1959 470]

Being I think the only guy on this thread what should a 54 years old guy do if his wife nolonger wants the physical part of a marrage/relationship. She is for the most part good in all other aspects, but not having sex for a year is getting old. Maybe its time for a girl friend. I feel at this point she wont mind but doesnt want to know. Hell, I dont really know what she thinks.

[Jersrose43 837]

Being I think the only guy on this thread what should a 54 years old guy do if his wife nolonger wants the physical part of a marrage/relationship. She is for the most part good in all other aspects, but not having sex for a year is getting old. Maybe its time for a girl friend. I feel at this point she wont mind but doesnt want to know. Hell, I dont really know what she thinks.

That's breaking my heart. I am so sorry. You guys need to talk

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Your last line tells it all....that you really don't know what she thinks. It's about time you find a neutral time and place and just ask her where the passion has gone. It may be something as simple as a medication. Lyrica, for example calms down nerve endings for relief from neuropathies, but it can't pick and choose. Therefore, it calms down nerve endings everywhere.

Is sex painful? If she is similar in age, then guaranteed she is going through menopause and experiencing changes in estrogen causing vaginal dryness, emotional upheaval, and hot flashes. Maybe she just doesn't legitimately feel good for other reasons like arthritis or reflux. That's a lot of maybes to clear out of the way before assuming that she has no interest at all.

My guess is that if you come to the table (well, the bed first) with lube and soft words, and a couple of hours to take your time for her pleasure, you might see a turnaround. When she is doing dishes, kiss her on the nape of her neck and offer to help. I am telling you that there is no man any sexier than the one who helps with the house work. get some lotion, or Ben-Gay if she needs it, and offer to rub her back. Stroke the inside of her arm. See......arms, backs, necks, these are all areas that are accessable without being intrusive.

Put on some Barry White or Al Green music. Few women can resist that move. Does she like flowers? If you can, bring home something (with bulbs) that you can plant this fall so that she can be reminded every summer that her man cares about her.

Is the bedroom an office and tool room with stuff and clothes all over? That is not a very inviting love nest. Tell her that you love her like no other, as much as the day you were wed, and then ask her what happened that interrupted the sexy happiness at your house. I bet if you are gentle, and patient when you would rather be upset about something, she will be refreshed as to why she loved you enough to marry you in the first place. She needs to feel like she is the Queen of your Universe.

In case you haven't picked up on it, these are the same things you would do to court a mistress. So.....go help with the dishes, and good luck.

[BSU 61]

We did finally talk and what it came down to was exactly what you said - he was very hurt by the way I have been acting and was very concerned that it would get worse as time went on and as I lost weight I would become increasingly difficult to live with. I have been making him feel really bad and for that I apologized profusely. I had no idea how I was making him feel because I was so preoccupied with what I was feeling. Not a bad thing but when you don't consider others too, not so good.

Thank you for taking the time to post a response - you were right!

Glad to hear that you guys are doing better. Good luck with the surgery and I hope he makes progress on his smoking.

[Ava324 413]

In case you haven't picked up on it, these are the same things you would do to court a mistress.

Your whole post was spot on, but this really drives the point home. So true!

[HaddocksEyes 205]

Being I think the only guy on this thread what should a 54 years old guy do if his wife nolonger wants the physical part of a marrage/relationship. She is for the most part good in all other aspects, but not having sex for a year is getting old. Maybe its time for a girl friend. I feel at this point she wont mind but doesnt want to know. Hell, I dont really know what she thinks.

I had the same reaction - I feel for you!! I agree with MsMac on what she said. The older we get, sex can become more painful because of changes in our hormones. I'm not there yet since I am 41 but I have plenty of friends and relatives that are. It can also change sex drive too.

It also sounds like you guys don't talk because you mentioned that you don't know what she thinks. I know you posted the mistress comment out of sheer frustration, but it is a good indication that you may be at the end of your rope. A year is a long time to go without sex. Communication is so key to relationships.

I am sure there is far more going on behind the scenes. I hope you and her can get together and have a honest discussion about all the things that are bothering you both.

As I said in the thread, my husband and I weren't talking either so we couldn't solve anything. He was brutally honest with me and I was honest back. It's certainly a struggle, no doubt, to be able to coexist in harmony with another person who is different from you.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I went years with no physical relationship with my EX and I blamed it on my weight. I felt I couldn't complain because I looked so bad. I realize now that it wasn't the issue at all. I tried talking and sometimes that doesn't work but it's a great start! In my case "talking" clarified the situation and I am good friends with my EX..but he is my EX for a reason.

[JCP 619]

Smoking has a detrimental effect on the entire family. Unless the person is fortunate enough to die some other (quick) way, smoking WILL kill them and it is a terrible, agonizing, senseless way to die. And the family has to go through that. No, you can not change anyone. Everyone must decide for themselves. But I see smoking as a very selfish habit. And his property or not, he is not entitled to expose you to toxins.

I recommend a good therapist, support group, or a pastor if that works better for you and pronto. You have a lot of stress on you and need clarity and objective guidance.

Be good to your husband but don't be a door mat. And kudos to you to facing your own problems head on!

I will say prayers for you. God bless.