Recently Lost a Best Friend Because of My Decision to Get Bariatric Surgery

[ziggypbang 272]

This is so sad! She's so totally twisted up in her eating disorder issues that she refuses to be educated about your obesity-related health issues. Obesity itself is a deadly disease. Perhaps if you had cancer she would be more supportive in your seeking a cure? Bizarre and toxic! Have to let this one go for now. I'm very sorry for the hurt you are experiencing. WLS one of the best decisions I've ever made!

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

As someone who has had both weight loss surgery...and lost over 160 # AND had reconstructive plastic surgery "for cosmetic" reasons.... Well,let's just say I would have no problems letting a toxic judgemental friend like this go. I love my new body and am grateful I had this help in turning my health, my looks and my whole life around. I have lots of friends who are thrilled for me. It has been my experience that self confident, attractive women are the most supportive, detractors seem to have their own "issues" and liked me better obese as they feel better about themselves if I stayed fatter then them.

[hockeywife91 106]

I really cannot express the anger I got in reading your friends comments, which are so narrow-minded and proves she is uneducated about WLS. This isn't about her. It's about you! And I am so proud of you for standing up and doing what is right for YOU! No one knows better than you what goes on inside your body/mind and how difficult it is for you. WLS surgery is not about cosmetics, its about health first. The cosmetic part of it is just a bonus. We do not have eating disorders because of it. We learn to eat differently, we learn to eat HEALTHY and we eat smaller portions.

You will do great and you will gain new friends who will support you through this. Whatever you do, do NOT let your so-called friend change your mind or create doubt. Just keep coming here for support. We are all here for you.

[Sharon Chen 39]

Thank you all for your love and support! I appreciate each and every comment! <3

[Babbs 14,681]

@@Sharon C. Looking at your picture, you are a beautiful girl. And I'm sure (I hope) that you know that. I just hope you can explain to your friend that it's really not about "acceptance" of yourself. It's about loving your beautiful self enough to know that being overweight is not healthy, and you want to change that. Believe me, as someone on the wrong side of 50, it doesn't get any easier being overweight. Why not be gorgeous AND healthy? I'm sorry about your friend not being supportive, but please surround yourself with people who will be and will help you get to your ultimate goal of a healthy weight.

[Who Dat 70461 331]

One of my favorite quotes...

“Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Good luck...you're in for one heck of a journey!

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Wow...how judgemental. You can tell that she is coming from a place of pain, but there is nothing in her rant about your own health and happiness. A true friend has your back and would not be so hateful. Weight loss surgery is saving so many lives. Once she gets up into her forties, fifties, sixties, all of her accepted fat will take a toll on her health, too. Then she will be asking you for advice. Good for you that you are being proactive about your health. Please do not let anybody minimize your decision to have a better more healthy life.

[cheryl2586 3,053]

You can't fix stupid and that is exactly what she is. Why on earth would you be grieving over a selfish person who is all about I. Nothing in her post is about we as in you and her. It's her feelings that were hurt. Apparently she has her own fight to feat. Tell her to hit the road and don't ever come back because people like that who are uppity have their own issues. Fat is not accepted anywhere in society. It is frowned on. I think she feels that if by any chance you were to get to be her size it would become a threat to her getting all the attention. Say good bye and don't look back ever again. If in the future you run in to her wave and keep moving. I would rather keep all my animals then give they all up for one pathetic human being. She is a pretend friend. We have all had them. Uppity bitch is what I think she is.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Wow. .............. speechless.......... well, almost . I agree 100 % with the previous posts, thank goodness we have alot of support here, even when we agree to disagree. That being said, I know you're sad about losing a friend , but you should be proud of yourself for moving forward to being healthy and strong. That will get you farther in life than being unhealthy and weak. Your friends warped ideas of "body acceptance " screams " its ALL about ME, and what I think !!! " HER own issues with HER body and life are what shes concerned with , not YOUR health. Both slim and heavy people can love or hate their body, its a state of mind. Im proud of you for going forward to a healthy, strong body, and if you look more attractive, hey thats a bonus !! I wish you well !

[JaneyB 28]

She has a right not to think WLS is a great idea. My friends do all sorts of things I never would and don't think are great ideas but it doesn't get in the way of me loving them.

She mentions being "triggered" several times. Her opposition to your decision doesn't seem to have anything to do with you, it has to do with her own feelings about herself.

This isn't an easy process and you need to seek support where you find it. It's hard to lose a friend but she she has too many issues to be supportive to you.

And ditto what Keish Lorraine said. Lol.

[patrice1 81]

Dear Sharon -

It is very painful to be rejected by someone you thought was your best friend. It adds pain upon the pain you already feel about your health and what, as you said, prompted you to take this step for your health. That is unfair of her. A true friend, even if they disagreed, would support your decision anyway. They would support your right to make your own choices. I know you already know this, but it bears repeating. What I see here is that she projected all her anger about the "politics" of being overweight on to you. She made this a "cause" rather than seeing your heart, and the difficulty and struggle it no doubt took for you to make this decision, and one that is right for you!

None of this violates some political code of ethics about fat acceptance. Of course we are beautiful and wonderful. But the weight threatens that because it threatens our health. For me, I have written that the larger I get, the less of me there is - of my life, my future, and my ability to enjoy the wonderful life I have been given.

She also did not do the research to learn about weight loss surgery and why it is being done. She would have realized that insurance companies would love to paint surgery as only cosmetic and not have to pay for it if in fact it were only cosmetic. Rather, it is a serious surgery that is only undertaken when the weight of an individual is threatening their life and survival. Let's put it bluntly, because that is what it is. I know that this is the reason I am getting the surgery, because my health and life, physically, mentally, and emotionally is impacted.

I know you have expressed the same. It takes courage for anyone to choose the surgery and no one does it lightly. I had to work through feeling like a failure because I had to resort to surgery when all other repeated attempts to lose weight failed. (I no longer think that, of course). Some people, who are ignorant of this path and don't take the time to educate themselves, think that it is the "easy way out." I had friends say to me,"If you have to exercise and eat small portions anyway, why don't you do it without the surgery?" Or another friend said, "I am just naturally disciplined," in her response to me, implying I am not and that's why I am resorting to this. However, they all are supporting me whether they agree with it or not. I see that most people see us through their own lens of who they are, and what they think - whether negative or positive. When things work out with this (and they will) no one will remember their critique, they will only see how healthy and happy I am. The results will speak for themselves, I don't have to. I also look at it as a way of "educating" those who don't understand the surgery or the reasons for it.

And I won't post much in response to your friend's arguments about eating disorders, except to say that weight loss surgery can be a viable tool in the treatment arsenal (in alignment with other therapeutic options) to help control eating disorders and food addictions, as well. Is it right for everyone? Of course not. Is surgery itself "imposing an eating disorder" as she said? Well, she's entitled to her opinion, but as a binge eater and compulsive overeater, I need the restriction my new stomach will give me if I get off track. I am also in therapy and will remain. Your friend may have her ideas on how to treat her own eating disorder, but to assume that her way is the only way to treat that is arrogant and ignorant.

Someday, your friend will see the results. Perhaps she may learn from your experience and become a better person and friend (learn some compassion for one thing, and stop projecting her own negativity on others). Some day, if she is a true friend, she will apologize for what she said. But regardless of what she does or does not do, you will know you made the right decision for you and it will more than pay off. We overweight people get a thick skin (no pun intended, lol) because people say a lot of insensitive things to us. I think we all use that skill we've acquired to toughen up with the amazing courage, hope, and positivity it takes to have the surgery, to bet on our future, to know that we are worth doing this - more than worth it. It is actually a step we take because we value ourselves, and not, as your friend accused, because we are vain, shallow, or think we are worthless being fat.

I am sorry for this long response, but I really felt for you on what you are going through. One of the things I have seen through the forums and on You Tube videos is the impact that this decision will have on relationships. People have said they moved away from relationships that no longer served them, or those that did not treat them well. I am already doing that, and you are too. I think that your friend's true colors are coming out, and saved you the trouble of ending it yourself later. We are all changing, but the regard and love that true friends have for each other does not change. For those that do, as your friend painfully showed, I am glad you are choosing yourself instead. Now that is a sign of healthy self-acceptance!

All the best to you, and to meeting so many new friends! You deserve friends like that, because that's who you are.

Patrice

Edited May 26, 2014 by patrice1

[ChavaBling 145]

@@Sharon C. Darling, you are gorgeous. I am wayyyy into Fat Acceptance and body positivity- but that doesn't mean that people can be healthy at any weight. I don't want to just tear into your "friend" here, but...I can hear the jealousy and the selfishness coming from your friend's post, although it doesn't seem like she's doing it knowingly. It seems like she is projecting a lot of internalized fear onto you. In addition to being completely unsupportive, she has taken your private information and used it as blog fodder. That is reprehensible.

My mom died at age 53 after a lifetime of being super-morbidly-obese. I'm not going out like that. I have made a commitment to total health, and that has included a food, exercise, and therapy program that I have been following for 5 months. Your friend sounds so angry and uneducated about this- that we need to adopt a radical change in our lifestyles for this "tool" to work.

One more kvetch- your friend knows that insurance doesn't cover cosmetic surgery right? And if it did? Who is she to judge?

The truth is, the system that churns out obese people is what needs systemic change. The fact that we're the first generation of Americans (millenials) that has a shorter life expectancy since we started keeping track- that is not our fault, but we're made to suffer the consequences. And so, we do what we need to do to get back to a place of health. I say "get back", but I've been overweight my entire life. I was the 4 yr old that didnt want to wear a bathing suit in front of my friends, because I already knew I was fat. And I have NO SHAME now, because I'm proud of my choice to get healthy.

I wish you peace & blessings, & complete healing of mind, body, and spirit. Please don't forget that it is ok to mourn a loss, no matter how crappy the circumstances of that loss are.

[BeagleLover 1,020]

I'm so sorry... it must hurt so much to be snubbed by someone you regarded as a friend! It reminds me of the time I had gestational diabetes and had to give myself insulin shots. My aunt referred to this as "shooting up." As moxy says, just plain old IGNORANCE! I applaud your decision to get the surgery now, *before* you get diabetes. The time of the crossover from pre-diabetic to diabetic is when you lose a large percentage of pancreatic islet cells than make insulin. Doing it now will preserve them and you have a chance for complete cure. Maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't. I'm so glad you are making this decision for yourself!

[ChavaBling 145]

An interesting, short read on cosmetic surgery (opinion piece):

http://jezebel.com/why-do-we-hate-cosmetic-surgery-so-freaking-much-1578798128

[Chelly 364]

Sharon welcome to your journey to a new, healthier, and happy life.

That woman that put you on her blog is self centered and hateful in her thinking.

She is so unaware of what WLS is all about. If she did she wouldn't attack it.

You are doing the very best thing for yourself in doing this surgery.

I had sleep apnea, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, fatty liver, Gerds and happy to say that these things have gone away because I had the gastric bypass.

I'm am personally proud of you for wanting to improve your well being. Congratulations on your decision.

Take care of yourself and be happy.

Good luck on your journey and upcoming surgery.