Well, my one year surgiversary came and went without any fanfare. I knew it was coming about a week before the date, then completely forgot about it until now.

I'm one year and 6 days post op as of today. WOO!

Life has pretty much returned to "normal" for me. I eat what I want, when I want, which isn't much. I don't really get my Protein in, I don't take my Vitamins regularly and I'm not following up with my doctor like I should because I no longer have health insurance. I'm a bad, bad girl...

That said, I do work out fairly regularly and I'm so pleased to be able to do things like walk up 4 flights of stairs without being winded or run with my stepdaughter outside and chase her around without stopping to catch my breath. I'm also able to sit in booths at restaurants, and for a long time, I avoided the movie theatre because my butt was too wide to sit comfortably next to my date... never no more, life is better post-sleeve!

I'm still a big girl. I started out as a REALLY big girl, and sadly, losing 150lbs hasn't made me skinny. I could lose another 150lbs and be right in the "normal" BMI range, and that does discourage me. I don't want to weigh 160lbs, I can't envision myself as a skinny girl (I've been big my whole life). I'm tall so I wear my weight well, I'm a size 22 bottom and 18/20 top - but then I realize there are people who START OUT at that size and get surgery and I'm just happy to finally BE IN that size... I know and hope I'll lose more, but my body is such a wreck now that losing too much more worries me just as much as not losing any. I stay off the scale, I don't want to see the numbers anymore, I just focus on eating when I need to and getting my exercise in. I feel like I'll NEED to get a tummy tuck at some point (and a thigh lift, and my arms done, and probably a boob-lift too... lordy), but I can't afford any of that now, so I'm in no rush to lose more weight. It will happen as it's supposed to.

I started dating quite a bit at the end of last year and now I've found myself a very nice gentleman that I'm quite happy with. He's never been with a big girl before, and he makes comments about how he loves my mind, my heart and my pretty face... I can read between the lines. It's hard for me to resent him for not loving my body when I hate it more than he ever could. But it does hurt... it feels like validation for all the negative things I feel when someone else recognizes it as well. I'm trying to get over it, to see my sagging body as a reminder of all the hard work I've done, but I just don't know that I'll ever be okay with my body. Most women (maybe men too, I wouldn't know) aren't fully okay with their bodies, so I realize this just makes me human, but I wish that I could accept myself and stop being so harsh. My inner voice is MEAN.

Sometimes I wonder if I've done the right thing. I'm so grateful for all the positive changes in my life and I'm grateful for my improved health. But when I think of how I went so far as to have this surgery and I'm still so overweight... it makes me wonder why I did it or if I did the right thing for me. Why didn't I get the bypass? Why didn't I get the switch? Did I settle? These thoughts have literally kept me up at night... not often, but often enough.

These are the things that play on my mind. Maybe in another year, I'll have better perspective, I'll lose more of this weight and feel even better and I won't play these mind games with myself. All I want, all I've ever wanted, is to be happy... so everyday I just try to focus on the things that make me smile and forget the things that don't.

Hope all my old buddies on the board are doing well!

Congrats on becoming a vet!

It is easy to get discouraged, not just by the scale, but LIFE. I think it is important to keep the perspective of focusing on how much you have acheived - both health benefits, mobility, looks etc rather than comparing yourself to what you envision as "ideal". You would be shocked at how many women at a "normal" weight despise their own looks. It really is a waste of energy.

I was told by my NUT and found it to be try that as long as you keep "working it" the sleeve will keep working for you. You CAN continue to lose weight as a vet, just keep on keeping on. I know what you mean about sometimes thinking how long the journey is - for me, when i weighed over 300# it seemed impossible to get to a normal size/weight, but i did it. I too thought about the ladies who were "only" 75-100# overweight... but in the end that doesn't really matter. It only matters how I live my life, not how I compare to anyone else.

I can be bad about Vitamins sometimes... and then get back on track, but I implore you to get your Protein in. As you are losing weight, adequate protein can help maintain your muscle mass. It can also prevent hair loss and other unpleasant things like that.

Anyway, keep posting on the vet forum! Welcome!

I have to add... your user name is perfect... and oh so true. You make your own "luck" and you make your own happiness. Sometimes peace... and recognizing that you started where you started, you are where you are and now what is the best path from here is the way to think...

You have made your own luck. I am so very delighted to hear that you are dating. That is one first step for accepting yourself.

Hindsight is better than foresight. Keep on trucking. You will always question yourself, but at this point, will it help you? Keep your focus on losing the weight you want to lose, without all the self doubt that will only hinder you.

If you're going to skip Vitamins, don't let it be B vitamins or Calcium. Once that damage is done, it can't be reversed.

Re: the boyfriend, If he was your best friend's boyfriend, what would you tell her? Do that. Playing devil's advocate, maybe he is just mentioning your best qualities to him instead of commenting by silence about your weight, shape, etc.

I agree with Cowgirl Jane's post. She's been down that road too.

And finally, welcome to the Vet's Group!

Lynda

Welcome and congratulations on the magnificent weight loss. We are here for you if you need us.