I haven't been posting much. I've needed a VST break and I've also just had way too much going on in my personal life to spend much time here.

I ended 2013 with a number of health concerns. I was told I had shingles but after I had a similar set of symptoms a few weeks later they sent me to a neurologist to try to figure it out. I've spent the last several weeks going to appointment after appointment and doing numerous tests. As of right now, I did get the good news a day ago that I have no lesions on my brain or spine and that there aren't any tumors or growths. But we still don't know what's causing my pain, pins and needles or numbness. I'm also having some pelvic ultrasounds done in a few weeks to pin down some other health concerns that are causing pain. It's just been a rotten six months for my health, honestly.

Then on Monday I got the call that my dad had a massive heart attack while driving. He had an accident (thankfully nobody else was hurt) and they were unable to revive him. He was only fifty three. I know that his health was pretty crummy but I was surprised and very disappointed. His health had been improving lately. Finally, after years of ignoring his problems he had shed 60 pounds and his diabetes was coming under control. He just called me last week to share the news that he'd finally hit onederland on the scale for the first time in more than fifteen years. He was so happy.

In some ways I'm thankful it was quick. Dad's health was pretty rotten so it could have easily been a long and slow decline from one of his other health problems. I've watched him spend weeks in ICU intubated. He'd been through a lot. His dad passed away at 42 and his mom at 50 so he outlived them both. But despite all of that it's still really difficult to accept that he's gone. I know that my dad had buried both of his parents by the time he was 31 and I'm 33 and lucky that I had dad as long as I did. But I still feel way too young to be losing my parents.

I'm just having a terrible time lately. These are only some of the issues in my life right now - we have ongoing issues with my husband's ex-wife and my step kids and my mom is also in poor health. I just feel like I can't get ahead.

And making matters worse is that my weight is all over the place. I had dropped back down to 139 (mostly due to an illness, let's not kid ourselves) but now my weight can shift by as much as twelve pounds in a day. I am not joking - it's ridiculous. I think it's stress but it could also be related to whatever is going on with my body right now. I mean, I can step on the scale one day and be 143 and no joke be 155 the next morning. It even happens at the doctor's office, so I know it's not my scale!

I don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe I just needed to vent. I'm just really missing my dad. And I am worried about my health and I'm worried about my step kids and I'm worried about my husband's job (which will likely be affected by whatever diagnosis we finally get) and I just feel completely overwhelmed. And totally defeated by my fluctuating weight, too. My clothes all still fit but sometimes it ain't pretty. I'm just having a tough go of it right now.

I'll be four years out in July and I really want to feel like a success here. And I suppose that losing as much as I have and keeping almost all of it off does qualify me as a success. I'm defeated by the idea of dieting back to goal again. I'm frustrated by the fact that I have to eat. I just don't feel like eating much lately. I worry that my poor habits right now might be really hard to break later. Going days without eating for almost the entire day and then just snacking all night long on junk isn't going to keep me focused and help me keep my weight in line. And I know that as always, I want to control my weight - I want to be in charge of when and how I lose because it's that easy target that gives immediate gratification. Life can go to hell and fall apart around me but somehow it's more bearable if I'm skinny. Call me insane, but that's how it works.

~Cheri

Hi Cheri - I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad and for the health struggles on top of it. And times like this make it extremely difficult to focus on healthy eating and exercise...but don't stop now. Hang in there...it will get better. I also lost my dad 13 years ago in a freak accident at work. I was 5 months pregnant with my second child when it happened. It was one of the worst things I have ever been through. But little by little the pain subsides and you kind of figure out a way to get back to some kind of normal. Good luck with everything...I hope you find the peace you need and the health answers you need so you can focus on feeling better.

Jennifer

Cheri, you don't have to be our cheerleader.

I would like to say that vets who share their struggles ARE modeling good behavior. If ANYBODY thinks that getting the sleeve and losing 100# makes their life perfect, they are in for a rude awakening. Modeling the behavior of how you handle the adversity, keep taking care of yourself, and if you do have a regain, work it back off etc etc - that is what all the newbies (and many of us not so newbie) can really learn about!

So true Sheryl. We can only get stronger knowing the truth.

Oh Cheri, I'm so terribly sorry. I don't think there are any words that could ease your troubles right now, so I'll just send a gentle hug, and ask you to be as kind and patient with yourself as you possibly can right now. Grief is a process, and sometimes you need a hug, and sometimes you need to sob, and sometimes you need to rage at the awfulness of it. We're all glad to have you with us, whatever it is that you're feeling at the moment. You are loved here, simply because you are you, not as a model of success, or a cheer leader, or an advisor, though you are wonderful at all of those roles as well.

Hugs,

Beth

Cheri,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. Reading your story really made me just want to send you a hug. You truly are a strong woman and I know you will be ok, but it's hard when so much happens at once! Just know we are sending you compassion and prayers to help get you through this.

I had to chuckle a little when you said you can handle it all better if you are skinny. I totally get that. No matter how bad my day is, I have that thought to comfort me. You are still skinny. Focus on that, and take care of yourself. xo

Teri