I was reading a post by a person who stated that her husband is angry, abusive, and unsupportive with her after surgery. I read it to my wife who wondered if this is a common occurrence for couples after surgery. I know another couple who is having serious issues since the wife was sleeved and has gone through a transformation. Does anyone feel like they settled because of their appearance or lack of self esteem and will make a relationship change?

Please sound about your happy or unhappy post-op relationship. My wife and I have been together 30 wonderful years and she loves the new me, so we are in it to win it.

My mean ol' rotten second ex-husband used to sabotage my weight loss efforts all the time. Knowing that I was trying so hard, he would bring home Krispy Crème Donuts and other pastries, specialty breads, pizza, etc. One time he flew off the handle at dinner and accused me of ruining dinner...all...the...time with vegetables. Really? He refused to take medication for his diagnosed psychotic disorders and his rage episodes were aimed at me. He was sure that I was losing weight to attract other men. You all know the drill. Leaving was the second best decision I ever made. The best decision was to get this surgery.

My mean ol' rotten second ex-husband used to sabotage my weight loss efforts all the time. Knowing that I was trying so hard, he would bring home Krispy Crème Donuts and other pastries, specialty breads, pizza, etc. One time he flew off the handle at dinner and accused me of ruining dinner...all...the...time with vegetables. Really? He refused to take medication for his diagnosed psychotic disorders and his rage episodes were aimed at me. He was sure that I was losing weight to attract other men. You all know the drill. Leaving was the second best decision I ever made. The best decision was to get this surgery.

Congrats on your surgery and for starting on a happier life for yourself.

This is a very good topic...Im glad I found it cause I would love some advice. A little background. My boyfriend and I were together for over a year when he split with me last April. He basically blamed a lot of the problems in the relationship on me instead of trying to work them out and he just bailed. Around October he started seeing the errors of his ways and at Christmas he got up the courage to contact me. He admitted a lot of fault and now wants to get back together. Im happy that he wants to get back together, but he did hurt me so Im taking it very slowly. He is very supportive of my weight loss surgery. We are both very overweight and I had even thought about surgery while we were together, but I just wasnt mentally prepared for it yet. I still have a couple of months to go in my program and look to have surgery in early summer.

What troubles me is this...I do not worry that he wont be supportive..I know he will be very supportive and cheer me on all along the way....but I worry that since I will have increased self esteem, that I may start to feel like I settled. He is a good guy and we did have a good relationship while we were together, but Im worried that my shallow side may take over and because he hurt me in the past that I may take the opportunity to hurt him back.

Im not really a vengeful person, and I have forgiven him for the things he did, but there's this little nagging notion in the back of my head that makes me think that Im settling, but Im not sure if maybe Im just worried that he will hurt me again.

I think Im rambling now.....

This is a very good topic...Im glad I found it cause I would love some advice. A little background. My boyfriend and I were together for over a year when he split with me last April. He basically blamed a lot of the problems in the relationship on me instead of trying to work them out and he just bailed. Around October he started seeing the errors of his ways and at Christmas he got up the courage to contact me. He admitted a lot of fault and now wants to get back together. Im happy that he wants to get back together, but he did hurt me so Im taking it very slowly. He is very supportive of my weight loss surgery. We are both very overweight and I had even thought about surgery while we were together, but I just wasnt mentally prepared for it yet. I still have a couple of months to go in my program and look to have surgery in early summer. What troubles me is this...I do not worry that he wont be supportive..I know he will be very supportive and cheer me on all along the way....but I worry that since I will have increased self esteem, that I may start to feel like I settled. He is a good guy and we did have a good relationship while we were together, but Im worried that my shallow side may take over and because he hurt me in the past that I may take the opportunity to hurt him back. Im not really a vengeful person, and I have forgiven him for the things he did, but there's this little nagging notion in the back of my head that makes me think that Im settling, but Im not sure if maybe Im just worried that he will hurt me again. I think Im rambling now.....

There's nothing that says you can't forgive him without jumping back in with him. Surgery will literally change your life. Restarting a relationship right before surgery might not set it up for the most success. It might be a good idea to consider taking it very very slow and see if he is still around in a few months or if he bails again.

That little nagging notion in the back of your head is called a red flag, and we girls miss them all the time. Be careful.

This is a very good topic...Im glad I found it cause I would love some advice. A little background. My boyfriend and I were together for over a year when he split with me last April. He basically blamed a lot of the problems in the relationship on me instead of trying to work them out and he just bailed. Around October he started seeing the errors of his ways and at Christmas he got up the courage to contact me. He admitted a lot of fault and now wants to get back together. Im happy that he wants to get back together, but he did hurt me so Im taking it very slowly. He is very supportive of my weight loss surgery. We are both very overweight and I had even thought about surgery while we were together, but I just wasnt mentally prepared for it yet. I still have a couple of months to go in my program and look to have surgery in early summer. What troubles me is this...I do not worry that he wont be supportive..I know he will be very supportive and cheer me on all along the way....but I worry that since I will have increased self esteem, that I may start to feel like I settled. He is a good guy and we did have a good relationship while we were together, but Im worried that my shallow side may take over and because he hurt me in the past that I may take the opportunity to hurt him back. Im not really a vengeful person, and I have forgiven him for the things he did, but there's this little nagging notion in the back of my head that makes me think that Im settling, but Im not sure if maybe Im just worried that he will hurt me again. I think Im rambling now.....

Please listen to your red flags. You're harboring a lot of resentment and that is definitely normal. He hurt you. It sounds like he hurt you a lot. Resentment can ruin anything you may have if you start another relationship with him now.

While I know the thought of him supporting you sounds good and comforting, you'd probably be better off in the long run getting that support elsewhere.

Work on being you. Celebrate the new you and the strength it took for you to evolve into a healthier you. Then after you have come to terms with your feelings you'll know in your heart what's best for you.

I think a lot of people ignore red flags because they don't want to be alone or want to find another mate. However, settling almost never works out and leads to years of resentment.