Hi, I am set to have my RNY on 10/22. This whole journey my hubby has been scared about the post op me.

My mother had this surgery 12 years ago. She lost her weight, found a bf, and divorced my dad. They were married for 20 years.

I've been married for 3 years but with my husband for 10 years. We have 2 kids together & I am so in love with him as I was from the start.

He is so scared I will be like my mother and hurt him. I know I would never do such a thing.. I love him & I adore our life we've built together. How can I make him realize I'm not going to do that? He is so sure it will happen. =(

Hi' date=' I am set to have my RNY on 10/22. This whole journey my hubby has been scared about the post op me.

My mother had this surgery 12 years ago. She lost her weight, found a bf, and divorced my dad. They were married for 20 years.

I've been married for 3 years but with my husband for 10 years. We have 2 kids together & I am so in love with him as I was from the start.

He is so scared I will be like my mother and hurt him. I know I would never do such a thing.. I love him & I adore our life we've built together. How can I make him realize I'm not going to do that? He is so sure it will happen. =([/quote']

To be honest with you,I'm sure you love your hubby & kids but there is no way of giving someone a guarantee that you will be with them forever. All you can do is tell him how much you love him & the kids. We don't know what will happen in the future.

There can be many reasons your mom left your dad besides the weight lost. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors so I would suggest for your hubby not to judge others cuz no one is perfect.

My husband had the same fears. Now that I am 6 months post op, I can see why, a little. Not that I'd EVER do that either. But when you are so used to just being the big girl, and then men start giving you attention, it does feel good. Some people, if they are lacking in their current relationship, find it easy to give in to it. I find it flattering, but I'd never act on it. My husband and I make sure to communicate openly though. For example, I was feeling good about myself because of the compliments I was getting, and felt a little bit like he stopped doing that. Ever since that conversation, he has gone out of his way to say the nice things he's thinking, instead of just dismissing it. It changes everything, being open and honest. Counseling through a huge change like this is always a good option too! Because this is a huge change for us, but sometimes we forget that its just as difficult for our spouses/significant others to adapt to.

To be honest with you' date='I'm sure you love your hubby & kids but there is no way of giving someone a guarantee that you will be with them forever. All you can do is tell him how much you love him & the kids. We don't know what will happen in the future.

There can be many reasons your mom left your dad besides the weight lost. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors so I would suggest for your hubby not to judge others cuz no one is perfect.[/quote']

I disagree. If you want something to work, you make it work.

I cherish my family & Im a firm believer that if something is broken you fix it...not throw it away.

My mother threw her marriage away & she knows it. She regrets her decision now that my dad has passed away.

I'm happily married, and we are very attracted to each other, tmi but our sex life is awesome besides my low energy & shyness bc of being so heavy.

My husband had the same fears. Now that I am 6 months post op' date=' I can see why, a little. Not that I'd EVER do that either. But when you are so used to just being the big girl, and then men start giving you attention, it does feel good. Some people, if they are lacking in their current relationship, find it easy to give in to it. I find it flattering, but I'd never act on it. My husband and I make sure to communicate openly though. For example, I was feeling good about myself because of the compliments I was getting, and felt a little bit like he stopped doing that. Ever since that conversation, he has gone out of his way to say the nice things he's thinking, instead of just dismissing it. It changes everything, being open and honest. Counseling through a huge change like this is always a good option too! Because this is a huge change for us, but sometimes we forget that its just as difficult for our spouses/significant others to adapt to.[/quote']

Yes. That is my husband's fear. That I would succumb to the new outside attention. But to be honest, I get flirted with at my size now & I dont act on it..so why would I later? I wouldn't do that. I know his fears aren't rational, but to him it is very much a possibility. I hate for him to think like that though.

My husbands says things like "You're going to find another man" sometimes. I always thought he was joking. I hope he doesn't REALLY think that. Maybe I should have a serious talk w/him about it. After almost 34 years of being happily married why would I leave him? We believe our vows, especially the part about "till death do you part". Marriage is work and you don't bail at the first sign of trouble. The exception being abuse, of course. No one should put up with that for any reason.

My husband had similar fears, I reassured him I wasn't going anywhere, and was 100% sure of that. Now I am 5 months post OP, 1000 times happier, and my marriage is just as wonderful. His insecurities won't fully go away until you have proven you aren't going to leave.

Every marriage is different, and this process will test your marriage in so many ways. The most important thing is to communicate. Talk about everything - your successes, anger, frustrations, anxiety. Those are just a few emotions you will go through. Many marriages end after RNY, but I believe that rny is a very small piece to that puzzle. My marriage has grown stronger, but that takes work and communication. Before I had the surgery my hubby and I had several long heart to heart discussions about the decision.

I disagree. If you want something to work' date=' you make it work.

I cherish my family & Im a firm believer that if something is broken you fix it...not throw it away.

My mother threw her marriage away & she knows it. She regrets her decision now that my dad has passed away.

I'm happily married, and we are very attracted to each other, tmi but our sex life is awesome besides my low energy & shyness bc of being so heavy.[/quote']

make it work but I see it this way..

Save your marriage but don't feel you have to kiss his butt & lower your self with all this guarantee. That's what I'm saying. I do believe in the vows and keeping a family together. I would never tell someone else leave your spouse. It's easy to find someone else then work on a marriage that took years to build.

P.s. when someone pass away the cheater always have regrets but no thinks about it when your going baby and screaming from all the sexual pleasure a person that's not your spouse is giving you. Your mom will always have this thought the rest if her life. She made her bed she slept in it. Too late to make it right. She needs to stop with the regrets. You make a mistake not many mistakes & leave a spouse for something that looks better. It never works out. This happens a lot. No one thinks with the brain only the sexual pleasure of the moment.

Sounds like HE has some issues (insecurity).

make it work but I see it this way..

Save your marriage but don't feel you have to kiss his butt & lower your self with all this guarantee. That's what I'm saying. I do believe in the vows and keeping a family together. I would never tell someone else leave your spouse. It's easy to find someone else then work on a marriage that took years to build.

P.s. when someone pass away the cheater always have regrets but no thinks about it when your going baby and screaming from all the sexual pleasure a person that's not your spouse is giving you. Your mom will always have this thought the rest if her life. She made her bed she slept in it. Too late to make it right. She needs to stop with the regrets. You make a mistake not many mistakes & leave a spouse for something that looks better. It never works out. This happens a lot. No one thinks with the brain only the sexual pleasure of the moment.

I dont need to "save my marriage" or kiss my husband's butt. I'm just basically asking women who have a normal, healthy marriage how they dealt with their husband's quite understandable fears of the unknown that lies ahead post-op.

My mother's situation has alot more background than I mentioned, but I know for sure I would not follow in her footsteps.

Your marriage sounds strong, just reassure him you're not leaving. He will realize it fast enough.

Sounds like HE has some issues (insecurity).

I think his fears aren't stemming from insecurity or issues. I think its just fear of the unknown.. and it looks like a few other women on here have husbands that share his fear..

Exactly, I think it's a normal fear, I would have felt that way if my husband had his surgery first.

Exactly' date=' I think it's a normal fear, I would have felt that way if my husband had his surgery first.[/quote']

Thank you =) your words are so kind & helpful. Thanks for being understanding!

I think his fears aren't stemming from insecurity or issues. I think its just fear of the unknown.. and it looks like a few other women on here have husbands that share his fear..

That's exactly it. It's a huge life change for both of you. You'll find a way to get past it. You guys sound solid