I am new to GBT, in the research stage. I have had a LapBand in me since '07, unfilled. I am well educated about what the diet is for the Band, but am currently eating whatever I feel like. I've been told to try RNY by several people. I have about 130#'s to lose to be an average weight. ** I have yet to find someone who admits they are deeply addicted to food and the action of doing it, for coping reasons. Sure, people say they understand, or feel the same way, but they don't. ** I suffer from Chronic Depression, a Dissociative Disorder, PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. In therapy, on meds. Normal to the people who are not in the therapist's office or home to see the real me. I, am addicted to food to cure the bad and celebrate the good and more. I am terrified to the point of flaring up my relatively controlled disorders. I can't afford to do that. ** I am the mirror of an alcoholic, the narcotic addiction sufferer's, a cigarette smoker, though I don't do any of those things. What I DO do is feel and live the torture of giving up my "high". I have been to OA but I won't comment on that, I tried to tackle my addictive disorder with my therapist, but she doesn't "get it" all. I come here, to you, hoping against all hope I can read those words that really hit the spot, here on GBT. I know many of you suffer from emotional/addictive/habitual and binge eating. Come to me. I need to understand why I won't take care of this body I'm in. I hate it. Tell me how you got yourself to adhere to such a limited diet. Tell me how you came to love yourself enough to succeed in RNY. I am of an alternative religion, please don't tell me to give it to God. I have to do this, me, myself and I. I am responsible for what I've done to myself and I am also responsible to overcome my addiction. But YOU did it, tell me how. Tell me anything.....

Very powerful message Dreamsawaken!

Sent from my iPad using RNYTalk

Hey dreamsawake...Will you marry me, flaws and all? lol. No, really, I've been searching miles wide for the food Addict that can deeply understand, grasp and admit their addiction. So many women (and men) have the backstory that fed that addictive Soul, including me. You were SO descriptive in your definition, experience and battle with your own story that I find myself at a loss for words. ****** I need to push back memories and the feelings that go with them with the act of eating. I don't gorge, well, candy yes, but I seem to NEED, LIVE and BREATHE the Freedom that not dieting gives me. Just having that option is something I'm terrified of losing. I don't each much food, but when I do it's junk food. When I was working with my Band diet or people like to say, "lifestyle" change, I did very well. I eventually became less aroused by food. And I was SO proud of that! Only thing I don't like is (and this doesn't happen when I'm Free) is that when you must adhere to a strict diet and amount of food you have to eat, I am CONSTANTLY thinking of food. "OK, what do I buy at the grocery store, does EACH item fall into the strict guidelines, how do I force myself to eat before 4:00PM, I have to track it in my food diary, the list goes on. I'm thinking of the very thing I'm addicted to, 24/7. I really don't like that. On the Band, I had to eat 3 meals a day, 2 Snacks and dessert. I was a slave to food. ***** I eat for all the reasons you mentioned and more. My therapist always tries to trick me into accepting myself, love myself, but it's an uphill battle as I've spent 25 of my 47 years hating myself. I've been to many OA meetings, have lots of the little books, tried to diet on my own, can't do it. Period. I take what I learned in OA and the literature to support me. While I have a HP, a strong one, I do not believe giving it up to... I am responsible for my successes and failures. It is up to ME to forge change, with solid support. ***** It has taken a while, but I see that I've hit rock bottom. I found a solid job that gives more to me than I give to it and it feels awesome. I had to have two knee replacements, my feet can't hold the weight, I use a rolling walker because of the wickedest pain that I am every day, because of my addiction. Other things that make me know I've hit rock bottom are too personal to share. I know that something has to be done, or I will have a stroke, or die. Yes, it's come to that. Chance of Death has beaten me, finally. ***** I am ready to stop my destructive eating, etc. Then, I start the rest of the journey, learning and giving back, That's in OA's...something about giving back. ***** Bless you for telling your story, telling it so well and responding to my post. I feel change in me. And not that kind of change that last's a week then goes away. ***** I NEED YOU GUYS! If I can be of ANY help for you, I'm a keyboard key away! I love people...

Wordy, but I always am!

Hey dreamsawake...Will you marry me' date=' flaws and all? lol. No, really, I've been searching miles wide for the food Addict that can deeply understand, grasp and admit their addiction. So many women (and men) have the backstory that fed that addictive Soul, including me. You were SO descriptive in your definition, experience and battle with your own story that I find myself at a loss for words. ****** I need to push back memories and the feelings that go with them with the act of eating. I don't gorge, well, candy yes, but I seem to NEED, LIVE and BREATHE the Freedom that not dieting gives me. Just having that option is something I'm terrified of losing. I don't each much food, but when I do it's junk food. When I was working with my Band diet or people like to say, "lifestyle" change, I did very well. I eventually became less aroused by food. And I was SO proud of that! Only thing I don't like is (and this doesn't happen when I'm Free) is that when you must adhere to a strict diet and amount of food you have to eat, I am CONSTANTLY thinking of food. "OK, what do I buy at the grocery store, does EACH item fall into the strict guidelines, how do I force myself to eat before 4:00PM, I have to track it in my food diary, the list goes on. I'm thinking of the very thing I'm addicted to, 24/7. I really don't like that. On the Band, I had to eat 3 meals a day, 2 Snacks and dessert. I was a slave to food. ***** I eat for all the reasons you mentioned and more. My therapist always tries to trick me into accepting myself, love myself, but it's an uphill battle as I've spent 25 of my 47 years hating myself. I've been to many OA meetings, have lots of the little books, tried to diet on my own, can't do it. Period. I take what I learned in OA and the literature to support me. While I have a HP, a strong one, I do not believe giving it up to... I am responsible for my successes and failures. It is up to ME to forge change, with solid support. ***** It has taken a while, but I see that I've hit rock bottom. I found a solid job that gives more to me than I give to it and it feels awesome. I had to have two knee replacements, my feet can't hold the weight, I use a rolling walker because of the wickedest pain that I am every day, because of my addiction. Other things that make me know I've hit rock bottom are too personal to share. I know that something has to be done, or I will have a stroke, or die. Yes, it's come to that. Chance of Death has beaten me, finally. ***** I am ready to stop my destructive eating, etc. Then, I start the rest of the journey, learning and giving back, That's in OA's...something about giving back. ***** Bless you for telling your story, telling it so well and responding to my post. I feel change in me. And not that kind of change that last's a week then goes away. ***** I NEED YOU GUYS! If I can be of ANY help for you, I'm a keyboard key away! I love people...

Wordy, but I always am![/quote']

Hedi,

That's the great thing about these boards - you have thousands of us cheering you on and supporting you. We have lived through it and come out the other side. Honestly the strictness you are so scared of becomes second nature in many ways. It's not like past diets. That say eat this and be happy. You eat a small meal and you are full. Even if you wanted to add more food you physically can't. I will not lie to you our brains are a powerful thing and it will try everything it can to get you to eat things you are not supposed to. That's when you come on here for support! We have all had battles with our brains and self esteem. Even now weighing and looking like I do I struggle with my self esteem. The fear of gaining the weight and are people talking to me only because I am skinny and so on.

Good luck and remember we are all here for you!

H- lol. I am wordy too. And i do get it...i even get having that job that blows me away i even have now, but i still feel like i dont give "enuf", or dont deserve it. I am capable of it, and more....its all the stuff that goes along with addiction (low.self esteem, no drive, depression, etc) that keeps me stuck...the same freedom i love....cause i hate discipline/regiment for the most part..haha, is the thing that self defeats me. one thing about addiction/recovery...i dont sugar coat it, and don't focus on the substance, behavior, etc its really a feelings thing. I remember picking up marianne Williamson's "a course in weightloss" got a chapter in, busted out crying cause i FELT it just like like felt the stuff about the drugs. Wanted no part of it, threw the book across the room....prob went and ate something. I get the whole overwhelming thoughts of "i cant do this anymore, i wont be able to have that, etc".... I had the same thoughts when i knew i had to get clean 15 yrs ago. I used/drank right up to when the cab pulled in to take me to airprt, saved $10 so i could grab a cocktail in the airport....like what we call "letting go with claw marks" in meetings. I will be honest and tell you its been no different this time really. I didnt have a 2 wk preop diet... No "restrictions" up until 8 pm tonight. (surgery is tomorrow, omg).... How do i know addiction is alive and well??? Same thoughts...."oh i better have 12 ho hos, or get donuts from here one last time or go out to eat here..." Its crazy!!! Wanted to eat stuff i hadnt eaten in months or years....only cause I felt i was losing it/option... Not cause i wanted it. Had to reel myself back in, even said "no" to a "last supper" @ fave restaurant. Its not easy, i know. In early recovery i remember beobg at Outback, seeing some tabletop ad for designer margarita or something, and it was assoc with australia trip or whatever. I literally had to get up, leave table, i cried despairing i would

H- lol. I am wordy too. And i do get it...i even get having that job that blows me away i even have now, but i still feel like i dont give "enuf", or dont deserve it. I am capable of it, and more....its all the stuff that goes along with addiction (low.self esteem, no drive, depression, etc) that keeps me stuck...the same freedom i love....cause i hate discipline/regiment for the most part..haha, is the thing that self defeats me. one thing about addiction/recovery...i dont sugar coat it, and don't focus on the substance, behavior, etc its really a feelings thing. I remember picking up marianne Williamson's "a course in weightloss" got a chapter in, busted out crying cause i FELT it just like like felt the stuff about the drugs. Wanted no part of it, threw the book across the room....prob went and ate something. I get the whole overwhelming thoughts of "i cant do this anymore, i wont be able to have that, etc".... I had the same thoughts when i knew i had to get clean 15 yrs ago. I used/drank right up to when the cab pulled in to take me to airprt, saved $10 so i could grab a cocktail in the airport....like what we call "letting go with claw marks" in meetings. I will be honest and tell you its been no different this time really. I didnt have a 2 wk preop diet... No "restrictions" up until 8 pm tonight. (surgery is tomorrow, omg).... How do i know addiction is alive and well??? Same thoughts...."oh i better have 12 ho hos, or get donuts from here one last time or go out to eat here..." Its crazy!!! Wanted to eat stuff i hadnt eaten in months or years....only cause I felt i was losing it/option... Not cause i wanted it. Had to reel myself back in, even said "no" to a "last supper" @ fave restaurant. Its not easy, i know. In early recovery i remember beobg at Outback, seeing some tabletop ad for designer margarita or something, and it was assoc with australia trip or whatever. I literally had to get up, leave table, i cried... despairing i would never get to drinking a margarita in Australia. How INSANE is that???? Lmao...like it was a regular thing i was gonna sacrifice....but it was the option, the freedom.. I get it. I still get pissed off that i never got to try an appletini, cosmo, or some of the flavored vodkas they have now. But i look at quality of life now,.vs then...."play the tape" of what even one of those things would lead to... And it passes. One is too many, a 1000 never enough.

The beauty if it is this: we only have to make it one day at a time, "just for today, i will not overeat/ stick to my plan/ etc". They told me in early recovery that if i had a thought to use/drink, that i should just tell myself okay you can but do it tomorrow. ( since procrastination is one of my weaknesses, I thought that seems reasonable) .... and so far it has worked because, if I tell myself that everyday, it will always be tomorrow and I won't pick up whatever it is i thought i needed in the moment.

The thing about getting it over to a higher power is kind of a balance too. once I understood some of the steps, especially the first 3... I got it, or begin to understand. for me and I always do at some point I was powerless, but I had gotten so good at managing the unmanageability, or so I thought. it was when the un manageability started killing me on the inside, to the point of almost total self loathing and pretty much just waiting to die, that's when I realized I needed to do whatever it took if I wanted to really live. but then I am still a train wreck after I take the drugs or cigarettes or food or booze away.... and that is when i had to bring a higher power in there to help me get it together. that can always be a combination of God, a support network, therapist or whatever works. I think in the beginning of my recovery I used all of that. but that does not mean that you are giving up yourself or your life totally to any of those people or HP. we all have to play a part in any kind of recovery process, or change. I have always been kind of a perfectionist and somewhat of a have to have it my way kind of person... that really doesn't work in recovery, lol. one of the biggest lessons I've had to learn is acceptance willingness an open mindedness. and without those I know I would not have been cleaning this long. there are some things I know I can't change, can't do, can't control... its figuring what you can control and change for yourself that is the key and the other things are what we need to let go of, to God or just let go. I have heard it said that if you let go and let God, he (or she) will move mountains, do miracles, but we need to be willing to show up and bring a shovel. we are responsible for our actions, our decisions and our solutions.. no one can do it for us but, we don't have to do it alone. and we don't have to figure it out all at once. we just need to follow through on our commitment to make a life change, one day at a time. if I started thinking about what I can't do anymore, cant eat, wondering about how much its going to suck I can't have a slice of pizza at a sales meeting two months from now ... I probably would call the hospital and cancelled the surgery right now because I'd be really flipping out... I just know that, just like I made a commitment to myself to not live a crazy life style ruled by drinking and drugs 15 years ago.... I made a commitment to myself this April to not live a life ruled by food, or being fat, facing serious health problems, being told by yet another guy how pretty I am and how beautiful I am on the inside "BUT", etc etc... and I am NOT going to look back. yes I know it's going to be hard, I'm going to have to make sacrifices, I am going to lose some freedom...... but I look at where I was 15 years ago, thinking the same thing about losing the freedom, being ruled by meetings with crappy coffee (lol) and sponsors and other stuff that goes on with staying sober and clean, didn't think I would have any fun...... and I look at life now, how much growth I have gone through, the faith and strength I have as a result of all of that... and I am actually freer now then before, have way more options now than I ever did. and looking at my friends that have done this, I can see the evidence that this will be worth it... and no I need to take the leap of faith that this is just another chapter in living a life beyond my wildest dreams. sometimes you just have to sacrifice what we are used to as options and freedom now, for greater freedom and lost dreams awakened later.

True freedom isn't free.