Hello,

I had a situation last night that is really making me question myself. I never thought of myself as being an emotional eater, and still don't think I am. I would never eat when I got depressed or angry pre-band. Post band, I'm finding that the hunger control is all I need to be successful at weight loss. So I don't know if this issue I'm about to explain is "emotional eating" or what it is.

Here's what happened:

Last night, my friend came over to my house and she brought with her three slices of cake for her, me and my husband. All were chocolate, but they had different frostings. She said we could all share the slices. I went upstairs to take a shower, and said "when I come down, let's cut all the slices into three pieces so we can all have some of each", and they agreed. I also said "don't start eating the cake without me!"

I got my shower and came downstairs, and my husband had started eating the cake with whipped cream icing. I asked him if I could have some and he handed me the slice. I took one bite and it was really good, so I went to take a second bite, and he goes "HEY! that's MY cake! Give it back!" and I said "What do you mean it's your cake? We're supposed to be sharing!" and I ate the second bite. At that point my friend said "Dude! That's Dave's piece! He picked that one!" and they grabbed it away from me.

To make a long story short, it made me feel embarrassed, humiliated, and angry. I felt like they were saying I was a pig for wanting some of "his" cake (but we were supposed to be sharing it anyway). I got so angry about it, I couldn't sleep all night and am still enraged about it today! Do I need therapy?

Let me explain a few other things:

I often go way out of my way to make homemade food for them, spending hours shopping, peeling, chopping, and cooking to make delicious meals from scratch.

I never, ever, ever, would, or ever have, denied someone any of "my" food. I always share and consider sharing to show my love to the person I'm sharing with.

I often buy my husband special foods I know he would love just for him. I go out of my way to do this for him on a regular basis.

So I've come to realize today that to me, food equals love. To deny me the pleasure of sharing your food means you do not love me. And to reject my food that I offer you means the same thing. I get angry when people reject food I have made and take it as a personal affront. I think they should take some just to be polite.

Does anyone else feel the same way? Am I off my rocker? I'd love to hear from anyone with similar feelings or experiences.

I never thought I equated food with love, until I had a baby. And I noticed that I was feeding her, to show her love. Good thing I caught that in time.

To be angry if someone refuses your food - you should work on that. They're not refusing you, or turning you away, they're just refusing food. They don't need to take some to be polite. They're perfectly within their rights to refuse it, and it is not a personal affront.

My mom's got the same problem. Part of the reason why I wound up so fat.

The cake thing, however, was just rude. I can see why you'd be upset about that.

So I've come to realize today that to me, food equals love. To deny me the pleasure of sharing your food means you do not love me. And to reject my food that I offer you means the same thing. I get angry when people reject food I have made and take it as a personal affront. I think they should take some just to be polite.

Does anyone else feel the same way? Am I off my rocker? I'd love to hear from anyone with similar feelings or experiences.

You must be Italian! This is exactly the way my Italian grandmother was. When I was a child and would stay with her in the summer, if I didn't eat at least 2 or 3 helpings of everything, she would say, "What's the matter? You don't like my cooking? My food's not good enough for you?" Keep in mind, this is after I had already cleaned my plate.

Yes, for some people food = love. And, yes, you are a little off your rocker, but that's OK. :huggie: My grandmother was very much off her rocker, and I loved her dearly.

Just try to remember that to a lot of people, food is just food. It's merely fuel for the body, and they just don't see it the same way you do. And people who don't cook may not understand the time and effort that goes into making a good meal. But if someone in particular is being ungrateful and taking you for granted, I think I'd probably stop cooking for him.

You must be Italian!

Yes, indeed! I am Italian!!! Good call!

I find that my Italian friends understand me when it comes to this issue (though I've not articulated it, or even realized it, to this extent, until today.) and we will often talk about how we can't stand it when someone doesn't like to try different, new foods and when we meet someone who doesn't love to eat and cook, how we don't understand it.

But today I realized how powerful this feeling is, and how much it defines me. My friends know me as an excellent cook, and often beg me to make them certain dishes. It's just part of me. It must be a cultural thing too.

Yeah, Greeks are the same way. And then they wonder why the kids have obesity problems. (And I say this as a member of a large Greek family).

I didn't realized how ingrained that mindset was, until I almost did the same thing to my daughter. We'll be nipping that one in the bud, thank you!

Sunta,

I can usually spot a fellow I-Tie. You're right -- it is cultural. food is how Italian mothers nuture and care for their families. It's a point of pride. My boyfriend is also Italian, and after dating many non-Italians, I've decided that I need to stick with my own. He understands my insanity, and I understand his.

Yeah, Greeks are the same way. And then they wonder why the kids have obesity problems. (And I say this as a member of a large Greek family).

So true. We have a lot of Greek families here in Houston, and a lot of them own restaurants. I have 2 very good friends who are Greek, and I always feel right at home around their families. The food, the fighting, the guilt, the crying, the hugging -- just like home.

Nurturing through food Isnt wrong, its natural in my mind, why else would any mother strive to awaken 3 times a nite to feed a newborn when she is tired out of her gourd?

Nurturing with food isnt wrong if the food is healthy, and in proper portions. I have a new friend that nurtures me by teaching me all kinds of great recepies that are loaded with health and they are verly inexpensive on my budget too!

Her goal in life is to write a cookbook to teach many others how to live out of their own gardens, or at least a great deal of their food from there.

What I do think is wrong is when we nurture through happy meals and junk food, as the taste for sugar and gluten is a one two punch in the health. These foods are just too easy to grab and we dont feel guilty for not working in the kitchen as moms used to because its so time consuming.

All this is totally separate from the rude behavior of your fellow cake eaters. They know that you cant eat cake as you once did, one or two bites would have been enough, and you specifically asked them to wait. I think that it they that were behaving selfishly, and that hurts especially when they are supposed to be close to you. I dont think it was the food, as much as it was the hurt they gave you by not respecting your request. after all what is a bite or two of cake in the scheme of things. Your hurt was obvious and deep because it even effected your sleep. I think that the food and love thing was a connection because it was how they hurt you, not that you have the problem loving through food. I think that the two are totally separate issues in this instance. Just my thoughts, thats all.

BTW, If you want to you could buy a gormet cake anytime and eat what you want, if all you really wanted was the cake. You want thier respect. right?

Food equals just about every human emotion. We feed sorrow, joy, sickness, and achievement. When we don't know what else to do, or say, we bring a casserole - or a cake. Women are especially prone to feeding our own emotions and those around us. Men drown their sorrows....women smother theirs in chocolate.