female only Grappling with the changes in perception, also known as, Damned if you do/Damned if you don't. :(

[Globetrotter 1,340]

When I was obese, I was ironically, invisible. Men looked right through me. And if there were men who may have still found me attractive, I still found fault with their attentions, reasoning that they must have a fat fetish which is every bit as objectifying as someone who only dates skinnies, and it is still someone being interested in a superficial aspect of you, not YOU. right?

So then I became not-obese, and then I got fit and almost trim (all the excess skin kept me from really looking buff) and suddenly I was visible. Men not only saw me, they pursued me, doggedly and I discoved that this kind of attention is just as saddening/depressing/disappointing as the invisibility was. Because of my armor of obesity, I never had to deal with men trying to get into my pants, and because I never had to deal, I never learned.

I know, even if they don't, their hypocrisy. I know they wouldn't be sniffing around so insistently if I were still obese. I want someone who would have wanted me when I was obese, but I didn't want myself when I was like that so, how can I ask that of someone else? It doesn't make sense, it's a psychological hang up I know, but it puts not only them but me in the position of damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[jensjoy28 351]

Yes, yes, yes! I have had these same exact thoughts...sorry I don't yet have any insight, have talked about it w my therapist, but it warrants more focus.

[Catherine707 253]

Great observations and post! I have been right there with you in my experience too. I wish there were easy answers, but this is part of the complexity that comes with obesity. Fat can protect from unwanted attention, and when you lose a bunch of weight you also have to deal with being objectified in a reverse way. I'm sure this is an ongoing issue for many people here on this web site.

[Arts137 1,811]

I found the "invisability" that came with Obesity great. I was left alone! But your points are well made, and Because they are "damned" either way, this 'feels' like a counseling issue... Too hard for my little pea-brain.

[gmanbat 5,889]

I am afraid you are putting yourself into a box. You are trapped by your impossible standards. You want someone who wants you despite your attractive or unattractive body. The problem is this: you cannot get rid of your body without dying and you want someone without human nature.

Humans have eyes that serve them by helping them judge their surroundings. From the time we are born we use our eyes to avoid danger and find things that please us.

Men have sex drives. That drive is a part of who they are. When they look at a woman they are looking through the eyes of a sexual person. The more noble among us put that drive down the list of things that are important and allow love, affection, loyalty, kindness, and responsibility to take precedence.

You could find a man without a sex drive. Would you want such a man? Not if you have a sex drive. Or you could do what many women do, find a man that is a good enough actor who can convince you that their affection for you is purely spiritual and emotional. Such men are often laden with hidden motives.

When I desparage people for being superficial I train my critical gaze upon myself and review the many times that my eyes were mistaken about my judgement of people or rather my brain interpreted the information wrong.

Ask yourself: Do I look at men and not see their bodies? Do I size them up in a way I wouldn't want to be sized up?

I am not saying to quit looking for a guy that isn't a jerk. What I am saying is to allow yourself to be desired but not at the price of allowing your inner self to be overlooked. Find a guy who thinks with the head that sits on his shoulders, not the "other head." You want someone who can love you but allow that they do not have to be eunichs.

Edit: again I put a lot of time into a reply but failed to see where it was posted, in the ladies section. If you want this deleted do so or tell me to. Sorry.

[2btrim 129]

I am afraid you are putting yourself into a box. You are trapped by your impossible standards. You want someone who wants you despite your attractive or unattractive body. The problem is this: you cannot get rid of your body without dying and you want someone without human nature.

Humans have eyes that serve them by helping them judge their surroundings. From the time we are born we use our eyes to avoid danger and find things that please us.

Men have sex drives. That drive is a part of who they are. When they look at a woman they are looking through the eyes of a sexual person. The more noble among us put that drive down the list of things that are important and allow love' date=' affection, loyalty, kindness, and responsibility to take precedence.

You could find a man without a sex drive. Would you want such a man? Not if you have a sex drive. Or you could do what many women do, find a man that is a good enough actor who can convince you that their affection for you is purely spiritual and emotional. Such men are often laden with hidden motives.

When I desparage people for being superficial I train my critical gaze upon myself and review the many times that my eyes were mistaken about my judgement of people or rather my brain interpreted the information wrong.

Ask yourself: Do I look at men and not see their bodies? Do I size them up in a way I wouldn't want to be sized up?

I am not saying to quit looking for a guy that isn't a jerk. What I am saying is to allow yourself to be desired but not at the price of allowing your inner self to be overlooked. Find a guy who thinks with the head that sits on his shoulders, not the "other head." You want someone who can love y. but allow that they do not have to be

Edit: again I put a lot of time into a reply but failed to see where it was posted, in the ladies section. If you want this deleted do so or tell me to. Sorry.[/quote']

gmanbat, I cannot speak for all the ladies who read this but I would like to say thank you for your words of wisdom. This is not a sexually explicit subject so I see no harm in you commenting. In fact I appreciate hearing a mans point of view on this. What you say is true and being that I am a little older now(45) I do understand a little better about the way a mans brain works, it's just the way he was programed to think. Most men are visual creatures, and they are first drawn to what they see. I have watched men check out women so fast, even when it may not have been the appropriate thing to do. It's as if there eyes and their "you know what" is one step ahead of their brain. It makes me laugh, I honestly don't think they can help it. By the time their brain tells them that this is not the time or place to do such a thing, it's too late. It can seem disrespectful to the lady they are with, and yes, I do believe when they are out with someone, that they need to pay special attention and keep it in check. Now, I also realize that we ladies are checking out the guys just as much, we however are a little more discrete about it,being that our brains work a little faster than a mans. So you see girlfriend, we are the superior sex, we just let them think they are. Hehehehehe!

[Celara 1]

You have no idea how grateful I was to read you post! The last time I dieted I lost over 100 pounds and the unwanted attention had a direct affect on me making the decision to put the weight back on. I'm now seeing a counselor, but I could never have put the problem into words as eloquently as you did. The hypocracy is mildly bothersome but the worst part for me is never having known how to brush off the attention without being rude, which I don't like to do. I'm sure after my surgery I'll come to a point where that becomes an issue again. It's wonderful to know I'm not the only one experiencing this phenomenon!

[BKLYNgal87 503]

This is a great topic.

My experience has been a little different regarding attention from the opposite sex over the years but I feel the same way! I have been overweight/obese most of my life but I have also lived in other countries where beauty is defined differently than our standard of thin as possible.

One would think I'd enjoy being immersed in such cultures but being pursued aggressively even when I was at my largest made me feel gross, not in the slightest desirable. Like a piece of meat rather than a woman. I guess I am just averse to "horn dog" behavior. I have a great appreciation for gentlemen who are in control of their actions and hormones. I'm lucky to be marrying one such gentleman . He won my vote of confidence when I slept over at his house and he didn't try anything lol.

As for our society, I have to admit I understand the innate desire to seek out what we find most physically attractive. It's not fair but it's just reality. I felt guilty sometimes because I was the hypocritical fat girl who was never attracted to bigger men. Was that wrong of me? Yes sure. But it's understandable because most people are driven by the "lesser" angels of our nature.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

In fairness, I prefer fitter looking men over obese too.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Gmanbat, it is okay that you posted here, I love to hear from the guys. However, it did slightly skew the thread, as the point of my original posting wasn't complaining that men are visual creatures, after your response it made it seem like that.

My real point in the OP, which I guess I didn't clarify enough, was this paragraph:

"So then I became not-obese, and then I got fit and almost trim (all the excess skin kept me from really looking buff) and suddenly I was visible. Men not only saw me, they pursued me, doggedly and I discoved that this kind of attention is just as saddening/depressing/disappointing as the invisibility was. Because of my armor of obesity, I never had to deal with men trying to get into my pants, and because I never had to deal, I never learned."

I'm not saying men shouldn't judge with their eyes, after all, I do, it's just that I know they wouldn't be giving me all this full-court press if I didn't look this way. Perhaps it is sort of like ... I'm getting away with something? I'm passing for average?

[gmanbat 5,889]

Gman runs in and puts up a sign. PM sent instead.

I'm outa here!

[gamergirl 4,610]

I don't know how much of this is happening with you, but throughout the years of changing weight, one thing has been constant for me.

Men are attracted to me when I feel sexy and confident. They are less attracted to me when I hate my own body.

My actual weight at these points has varied, what matters in my case, is how I see myself, and how I project myself. Is it possible that the main attractant now is your more positive view of yourself?

[Arts137 1,811]

I don't know how much of this is happening with you, but throughout the years of changing weight, one thing has been constant for me.

Men are attracted to me when I feel sexy and confident. They are less attracted to me when I hate my own body.

My actual weight at these points has varied, what matters in my case, is how I see myself, and how I project myself. Is it possible that the main attractant now is your more positive view of yourself?

BRILLIANT!!! It's all in our own heads.

[TwinsMama 483]

I don't know how much of this is happening with you, but throughout the years of changing weight, one thing has been constant for me.

Men are attracted to me when I feel sexy and confident. They are less attracted to me when I hate my own body.

My actual weight at these points has varied, what matters in my case, is how I see myself, and how I project myself. Is it possible that the main attractant now is your more positive view of yourself?

This so much. I started to post along these lines earlier but couldn't make it sound just right. You hit the nail on the head.

Most times it is not the weight that makes us invisible it is the lack of confidence...the fade to back (back of pictures, back of the room, etc.). We hide from the world (sometimes not even realizing it) and then when we're ready to be noticed, it happens faster than we expected.

Also, Diva don't think the jerks are all over you due to your size. At 375 lbs a guy (with his woman in the car no less) tried to convince me to give him my number...with my wedding ring and TWO children with me. It happens at any size when your confident.

You're oozing confidence so the guys just can't get enough. Keep positive and know that the good ones are out there too. They're just not as brazenly crazy as the losers.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I think this whole topic is really important.

When I was about 20, I lost round 65 pounds and got down to a trim weight - I was pursued to an extent it scared me and I didn't know how to deal with it. I am sure that was one factor that contributed to my needing to regain that weight and put my armor back on.

I am 49 now; and am just shocked that men think I am attractive. Decades of being "invisible" in that way burns a track your brain and it is hard to understand. My maturity and age have helped alot though because I feel flattered, not overwhelmed. (well, also I am not hounded like i remember being at age 20). I was even surprised when I told someone I was seeing that i want to get plastics and his reaction was "does that mean you won't be jiggly anymore? no one likes skinny girls" I had to laugh - damn, what do you mean no one likes skinny girls? Why didn't someone tell me that before? Of course, it is all about degree - I am not a skinny girl, I am a normal girl with some jiggle - I wasn't attractive to anyone at 300# and i wasn't healthy. (His point was, normal is attractive, not that obesity was atttractive)

Anyway,I digress. I do think that time helps women get their mind caught up to their bodies in this journey. It is an amazing transformation and the world DOES treat me differently. I believe that much of that is due to how I feel about myself - and the attitude I project. Much of it is also that I look healthy, I move like a fit person, i am not in pain - as a girlfriend told me "I just look like i am fun to spend time with" - and that is more then weight but weight is a part of that...