gain goal regain How was your 5:2 day today?

[swizzly 901]

I'm with coops on this not being entirely weight-loss related.

I do understand about the unbearable restlessness and emptiness/hole where your heart should be. FWIW, I have gone through a couple of MAJOR mid-life crises, both prior to WLS. One of the worst was about age 42-45. Read up on mid-life crises and the feelings they cause, how to manage them. They are TOUGH times, but you don't necessarily need to associate any of it with your weight per se. Might be easier to de-couple the two so that you're not overly stressing about weight when you're anyhow deep in the crisis feelings...

Love to all. Been through the valley of the shadow of mid-life existential crises and lived to tell. Doubt they're all behind me yet, but touch wood, I'm not having one currently. <3

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Coops, I'm not 100% sure that this was the intended take-away, that there is an emptiness as a result of weight loss. As I interpreted it, it was the adjustment to life without the fat that can knock a person sideways. Speaking for myself, I cannot deny that life was very very different in every conceivable, and some previously unknown!, way possible. For some people, I do believe that the adjustment required is more intense than others, that it really can be almost to the level of phantom limb, or post-partum. The public identity changes more swiftly than the internal one. I think this especially applies to those who were continuously abused psychologically in childhood, by those who were supposed to support and protect, for being fat.

That aside, I agree with Swizz that readjustment to life post-WLS is a different thing than the mid life crisis, I have a notion that we seem to see it often as one thing because by and large the traditional patient for WLS was a person, often female, in middle age (we are now starting to see the average age be much younger).

Edited February 25, 2014 by Globetrotter

[coops 1,790]

I agree - totally - perhaps I am mixing up the messages.

Weight loss is like revealing yourself... we used to hide behind the fat and now we are 'naked' as such...we get noticed - attention and this is very strange. People say nice things and after years of self hate and being invisible that is really tough to deal with. My fat was defo my security blanket and I still feel uncomfortable when I receive compliments, often quick to point out flaws or imperfections etc. Although I am getting better at receiving compliments, I have a long way to go.

It was the 'feeling of emptiness' that struck a chord with me... dunno why? Perhaps it is me internalising things - how can you feel empty when you are at goal or weigh so much less than I?

is it a case of because you are at goal your focus changes and other things become more important and take your attention... again, I don't know.

I suppose a group hug would be out of the question...lol!

[sarsar 824]

Met with the Doc and Nut today. They were over the moon(I wished I had asked what the average weight loss at 3 years is at the office...). Only suggestions were more Protein (at least 80), I can eat more on regular days and less on fast days if it evens out to 80. Take Vitamins with some Iron, not because my iron is low at all, but they are looking into the distant future and iron levels in the long run. They said they would feel better if I had Breakfast on fast days.

Great post Georgia! No way you look bigger on the bottom!

That empty spot.The thing that fills it up for me a bit is bird watching. I am thrilled, I cry, I just feel so much when I am communing with the birds/nature. It fills me with wonder, grief, I feel small and privy to the secret life of birds and animals. The feelings that "fill the hole"are not just happy or nice... they are the full gamut of feelings all rolled together. I think taking the treasure gained from filling the hole needs to be shared somehow. I am taking photos that I share, and hope to become a better person from my exploits.... and share that somehow... I want to die with no regrets.

Kim, I love this sentence. I agree with you. We learn, we grow, we share. It's like the quote I have heard, with great knowledge comes great responsibility.

Great news at your appointment! Happy for you. Did they say anything about the cholesterol?

Sue, I think you are right. The weight was a cover up and now that it's gone there is a lot under there to deal with.

Dee, would you share more on the mid life crisis? If it's not something you want to share, I understand. I'm going to look into this more and see if it's something I could be going through. It's as though I'm looking for something different. I want to move South, move away from WI....this goes back to years ago if I would not have gotten pregnant so young I would be have been long gone from this state. I don't feel anything crazy like I want to leave my husband or kids or anything like that, thankfully!

I appreciate all of the advice and thoughts you all give. I really take them and think about them and figure out how I can be a better person with the insight from everyone. Wanda, I am wondering what you have to say about all of this. How do you stay so happy and positive?

[feedyoureye 3,087]

I have been rigorously fasting lately and this has led to a lot of free time when I would have otherwise been eating and it also strips bare my impetus for the eating in the first place. I self-medicated for 15 years with food in the same way that opiate addicts do, to numb, to ignore, to bliss out, to feel SOMETHING OTHER than what was truly going on, be it physical or psychological pain relief, the altered state. I'm pretty convinced that I physiologically actually did not feel a lot of things, because of the fat. Now I feel everything, bumps, bruises, sore joints from contact with a hard surface (no padding). Sorrow, anger, lust...

I believe we have phantom pains, like someone who has lost a limb but is convinced it is still there.

Sarah, can you give me some examples of these bodyweight exercises? I do squats regularly but still have yet to manage a single "real" push up :/

Sheryl, you sound so lost, I really hope you will consider concerted efforts with therapy, specifically a therapist with experience helping adults come to terms with childhood trauma.

I love how you are not running from the pains of life, and really seeing them in a somewhat analytical way... which takes the sting out and allows for perspective.

If I am talking cr*p - just say!

I don't see/smell any cr*p here! Never!

I suppose a group hug would be out of the question...lol!

(((((((( <3 <3 <3 )))))))

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I met with the counselor yesterday and told her all that. How most of the time. I feel fine, much of the time I feel happy/great and then sometimes I feel that emptiness. I at times wonder if I am capable of loving some one again. At times when I feel that emptiness..... I get that feeling like there is a hole where my heart should be.

She had an entirely different take on it. She viewed it as a sign that true healing is underway. It's a sign that I am moving up maslovs scale of human needs...and that I am facing the meaning of life type questions.

Steven could not fathom how a woman with looks and financial stability could have a Damn thing to worry about. I get it, that's the grateful (and I am so grateful) side. The other side side is I have decent looks and finances....wonderful.....now what? That is what the counselor focused on.

It's the overcoming any sense of not deserving.

It is the realizing we all have purpose and mine has changed...My purpose was taking care of people, especially financially, but really many ways (I nursed a sick mother and sister in addition to raising my kids)' . Not sure that was my life purpose but it is what I did whether I wanted to or not.

Even my relationship with my ex had a high sense of duty aspect for many years.

So now I am alone,with many choices, many opportunities and it gives me a chance to realize there is "more"

She doesn't think I am doing terribly, more like emotional growing pains. Maybe combined with some 49 year old hormonal crap. She also wondered if the"low feelings" I get that are oddly very short lived (like minutes) are related to blood sugar drops. I am going to do some private journaling on it all including taking my 90 day challenge private.

I can't bare my inner dialog if I feel others will form opinions from it.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Interrupt by dogs...

She did agree with Steven's assessment of my fearing success..but she asked me to consider if it's more that I feel it is undeserved... if that inner critic (I recognise as my dad) is still telling me that I am not worthy.

Sunday I went to Cavalia (like circle de soleil but with horses too) with two galpals my age. Both married no kids. Not happily married, and one of them really can't stand her husband. They are married to men who at middle age have decided that the tv and recliner are their main interests. They are fit, active and hotlooking women not ready to shuffle around in slippers every Friday night...

I told them about Steven...not in detail but they both thought the idea of an articulate man who is fun to have sex with that you really don't have to"deal with" otherwise was just heaven. It made me realize some of my angst is I feel like I SHOULD end things with him but I don't really want to. Screw it...He and Mary (my best friend and the only one who knew about him in my real life before Sunday) both think I need to find real love for " my own good. " They experience me as a loving person so imagine that have it in me.

Here is the dirtytruth. Like the country western song goes "my give a Damn is busted". Reason I can't find a guy....all the ones with genuine intentions scare me off and all the ones that I sense want just sex....Well, what are the odds I will prefer him over Steven? Low. As a woman, I feel like what I have is wrong or shouldn't please me. Mary is on my ass about it constantly..how I need to find someone to love. Steven is always worried he is "using" me. It hit me recently that as much as I care for him and am attached to him, he actually loves me in his own fashion. I feel love to him too...but...not in the way I have felt in love before. I'd drop him in a minute if something better landed on my lap and ladies that is NOT love. You have no idea how hard it is for me to admit to all of you that I am pretty shallow on this topic after a history deep devotion to my partner. It is ok due to the nature of our friendship but how could I do that to someone who really wants more? That's how I get sucked in..that sense of duty, of doing what decent people do. Steven keeps me safe from that, provides temporary cover so to speak.

Anyway, not sure what I will do but one clarifying moment is I will do what I want, not what others think is best. That is an early step toward becoming my true self.

(btw, Steven has made it very clear HE is very comfortable with our situation and isn't trying to get rid of me,he just fears a broken heart..and he feels very responsible since this happened to him before. He said it broke his heart too since he just can't be a real partner and he hates that about himself but I figure he is at least honest about it)

Edited February 25, 2014 by CowgirlJane

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Here is the weirdo thing for me. I am very comfortable (finally!) with my looks and compliments. Men give me attention and it is fairly irrelevant to me actually unless it is a man I am interested in (we all know who I am talking about!). I even had to face talking about my weight loss journey at that executive reception I went to at the big Orlando meeting. an old aquaintance accidently "outed" me in front of a couple of Vice Presidents at our company. I had to think on my feet, but I handled it and they were actually very admiring of me, not judgemental - in the end it was good. I take compliments just fine and actually find myself making other people feel comfortable...LOL

I am not saying there isn't some "after effect" but big picture, I know I look pretty good and I like how I look ... I even mostly like myself as a human being.

My emptiness feeling that I experience has been there before i lost weight. I just had such huge freaking problems (like physically hurting all the time, like being in a relationship with someone that I kept thinking I could "win back") that it just didn't really get center stage like it can now. So, there is a relationship to the weight loss, but I don't perceive it was caused by it directly.

I wonder if a mid life crisis is, by definition, that moment of realizing you are like a good chunk of the way through your life... and you wonder... am I living the life I want? Do I want something else? Something more? and what would that be exactly? All the people that I centered my whole freaking world around up until now have either died, grown up or moved on... it is both an opportunity and a sense of loss.

I agree - totally - perhaps I am mixing up the messages.

Weight loss is like revealing yourself... we used to hide behind the fat and now we are 'naked' as such...we get noticed - attention and this is very strange. People say nice things and after years of self hate and being invisible that is really tough to deal with. My fat was defo my security blanket and I still feel uncomfortable when I receive compliments, often quick to point out flaws or imperfections etc. Although I am getting better at receiving compliments, I have a long way to go.

It was the 'feeling of emptiness' that struck a chord with me... dunno why? Perhaps it is me internalising things - how can you feel empty when you are at goal or weigh so much less than I?

is it a case of because you are at goal your focus changes and other things become more important and take your attention... again, I don't know.

I suppose a group hug would be out of the question...lol!

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Sheryl I am glad you're going to therapy. It's always good to talk things out with someone totally nutral and has your best interest in mind. I went through a big despession after I lost all my weight and still was not happy. I thought losing weight would make me happy. I went to counseling and they ( it's a husband and wife who counsel people together) and told me to find something that really made me happy. For me it was ballrom dance classes. I loved the lessons and the dances they held.

Wanda,I am sorry for your loss. What kind of work do you do? You seem to always have the right words for people. You should be a therapist. Maybe you can help me with the words to tell Bill I need more time to myself. There are so many things I really love about him, but his need to spend all his time with me is driving me away and making me crazy. Every time I try to talk to him about it, he gets so upset. He needs more friends.

Florinda, I don't know how you do it. Living in a strange seems so depressing. Yet you manage to stay upbeat without falling apart like I would. I would imagine you're ready for another care package but I am not sure if Coops'had every thing you need. I am sure there is always a need for things you can't get there.

Sheila, I hope your puppy is better. What you're going through is heart breaking. I agree you should be compensated by the seller.

Sarah, it seems you should be taking a class whether it at a college , or an online class. You feel like you  missed out on college because you had chileren young. So go back! Even if it's something like pottery class, I think you would get a sense of satisfaction. I am sure you can find something to take "to float your boat"

Everyone else, I am sorry I missed commenting on your post. I read all the posts but I am not good about remembering everything when I go to post.

If anyone else has some words of wisdom to put it in a tackful way to Bill, I would appreciate it. He seems to think that a loving couple should see each other every day, as though we are married or something. I need more time to myself.

Edited February 25, 2014 by Oregondaisy

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Daisy - I do tons of fun stuff... I have a joyous life. I have hobbies, I have friends and I even like my own company pretty well. I feel like I often don't communicate that very well. The puzzle for me is why that "hole in my heart" still shows up. What this counselor said resonated with me and I am switching my journaling to private, including my daily self coaching message. I see her again in two weeks, we shall see.

I wish I could help you with Bill. I would have sent him packing by now... but as I have already determined... my give a damn is busted (hopefully just temporarily) and simply could not, could not put up with that neediness. I know we all have our "crazy" and just need to find someone whos crazy we can tolerate. Neediness is one I can't do and I don't know how to be tactful about it since I am guessing you have already tried to explain it. I will tell you how I interpet it - as passive aggressive type controlling but maybe I see things that aren't real. "I need you, I love you, I must be with you every minute of the day - those are my terms and they are simply non negotiable". I was raised by a very controlling father and I have no patience for ultra control types and maybe I am reading the wrong things into Bill - but that is what it would feel like to me.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

The thing about it is, I would be perfectly happy to see him every day, but not all day and all night. He keeps telling me he loves waking up with me. I do love waking up with him, but we are both bad sleepers and I want to sleep alone some of the time.

 

He definitely needs more friends. He's been here about 3 years but he doesn't make any effort to make friends, where as I have a lot of friends that I miss doing things with.

[M2G 1,836]

Daisy, I think you do need to be honest. You really enjoy spending time with Bill but you need to make room for the other people/activities in your life that are also important to you. I'm not sure how you "draw a line in the sand" so-to-speak. ie - look we are "in a relationship, but NOT married"...I would definitely make time for those other things/people in your life and just tell him that he can't spend every waking minute hogging you. Good luck!

Coops - definitely love the idea of group hug! LOL.

I'm wondering more about the mid-life crisis...what defines it, how long it lasts, and what people do to alleviate it? I'm just curious. I'm 42 and don't feel like I'm experiencing it but as far as weight-loss I do think that it somehow "changes" us. Like Sue said we are used to being invisible and then when we shed the layer of fat, it's like BOOM, we exist. And to US we've, of course, existed all along...but it's a fascinating process to go through, suddenly being visible to the rest of the world.

Thank you guys for all your good thoughts about our puppy, Piper. Last evening we were FINALLY able to bring her home. She was basically in intensive care for 7 days (yes an entire WEEK!) not only was she on IV fluids that whole time, but she was also in isolation, we couldn't even go in and hug her or pet or anything. Horrid. We tried on Sat. to go see her and they wouldn't let us beyond the glass door that separated the isolation room from the rest of the animal hospital. Anyway, I think due to this, she is going to have to re-learn how to just be a puppy. She had a cone around her neck to keep her from chewing her IV, and by Sat. she ended up with an NG tube down her nose to suction out the gastric juices that were making her sick and then once they cleaned her out they were feeding her through the tube. Anyway by Mon. night she pulled the tubing out and wiggled out of her cone. LOL. So anyway, we got her home and she has been so so so so tired. I'm guessing that much like a human in the hospital, she didn't get much sleep while in there (those cones are uncomfortable!) so now that she can just curl up and sleep that's exactly what she's been doing. Oh and she just wants to SNUGGLE all the time. LOL. Cute now, (at all of 8lbs) but wondering how much human snuggling this little baby is going to want when she is 50lbs. ha ha!

Anyway, thank you again for all your words of comfort.

Now I need to clean up my diet. And get back to fasting. I can't even remember when my last fast day was?? Aaargh.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Listen to Mustn'ts, child, listen to the Don'ts.
Listen to the Shouldn'ts, the Impossibles, the Won'ts.
Listen to the Never Haves, then listen close to me.
Anything can happen, child, Anything can be.

Shel Silverstein

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

It's been sunny, mild temperatures and I have been getting in lots of saddle time our typical February mini spring is here - so I enjoy it while I can!

My "injury" from the gym is really pissing me off. I am working with a different trainer to rehab it and it still hurts alot. This morning I had a hard time doing even an easy does it spin bike session. When I ride horses, i am okay during, but hurt after. I walk with a limp sometimes now. I so regret ever starting up with personal training....grrrr

I am going out to live music tonight - looking forward to that but I almost feel TOO busy.

I asked David - mr ranting conservative - if he was interested in going to a "venice is sinking" formal Carnival ball on Saturday. He wants to go but may have to meet with a client so I won't know until today. (He is a personal investment advisor for high income people). I am a little bit regretting bringing it up because right now I feel a bit tired and actually want a quiet weekend to get some crap done.

This counselor ... to be honest combined with Steven's "yelling at me" has really given me a bit of a push in the right direction. I have made a list of the CRAP that is holding me back/overwhelming me and am working on a plan to fix em. Won't it be good to have some things just not hanging over my head... just things in life I have let stack up and overwhelm me? My anxiety has dropped considerably this week and I think it is largely due to reframing my situation to more of an action/problem solving approach. Sunshine helps too.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

M2G so so so glad to hear the pupster is recovering. I call Suzy,my 7# papillon a "PupStar" ..haha

I love dogs, I would be lonely without them I think. it is hard for non animal lovers to understand but it is so soothing to have them to pet and snuggle.

Meant to mention in my last post - I awoke this morning wishing there was somebody beside me. Just kinda wanting that physical contact. Then I realized i have been "wishing" for that for like a damn decade so to not turn it into anything negative. I felt lonelier when I had my EX here then I feel now. I examined how I felt, and I didn't really feel lonely I felt like I wanted sex...haha. How is that for self examination! And as though the universe reads my mind - guess who called this morning? Well, he isn't available to see me today (and I am going to music anyway) but at least I got a little chat with Steven and we are working out plans. While I realize this isn't haha funny... I laugh at myself because in the end it just isn't that complicated - I just want affection and attention sometimes.