Someone sent this to my DH, though he couldn't possibly appreciate it to the fullest. I laughed til I cried....

WAX is "Not your Friend"

All hair removal methods have tricked women with

their promises of easy, painless removal - The

Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come

home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had

the thought that would ring painfully in my mind

for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the

waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed

to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a

clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together

in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart

and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you

pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard

can it be? I mean,I'm not a genius, but I am

mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips

facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing

them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the

hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"

yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.

Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK,

so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.

I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am

She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of

smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on

the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the

ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties

and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same

procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side

of my bikini line, covering the right half of my

*hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt

cheek (Yes, it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY

GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only

managed to pull off half the strip.

OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and

RRRIIIPPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think

I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear

crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to

normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one

that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt

sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is

my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS

THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the

toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the

strip. I touch. I am touching wax. WHAT?!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my

body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted

hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is

still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do

something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES

BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

*hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin-walk around the bathroom trying to figure

out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let

me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot Water

melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand

into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered

bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it

off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than

that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize

surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether,

regions glued together is having them glued together

and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding

hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though

I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months

ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call

my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and

has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very

good conversation starter - "So, my butt and *hoo-hoo*

are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret

tricks for removal but she does try to hide her

laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where

the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or

*hoo-hoo*?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can

hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I

call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! Like I should be the joke of

someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to

scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels

better than to have your girlie goodies covered in

hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot

water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By

now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a

major dive and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need

Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see

my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove

the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this

point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the

dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I

really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a

hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and

then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS

STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.

Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at

this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......Not!

Laughing through the tears...

Oh my God, absolutely the best laugh out loud guffawing stress reliever I've had in ages. I needed that Carlene.

Good one, Carlene, I am still laughing........

wax is evil!

my incisions are killing me!! lol!!