If you are planning to give a party, the first thing you should do is lie down, take 5 deep breaths and think of the ocean or a mountain stream until the urge subsides. If, after meditating for quite awhile, you still plan to give a party, you should follow these rules:

• If you make sausage cheese balls, stand over them and eat all of them without letting anyone else have one. Tell them you suspect they are poisoned and you feel that it’s your duty to taste all of them.

• Make stuff ahead of time. By this I mean, buy stuff ahead of time. You can get great little quiches and spanikopitas (spelling?) and stuff like that at the grocery store. Buy some good tasting lunch meat and rolls and make little sandwiches, and the folks will think they are really uptown. I’m a believer in olives. My friend serves these Greek olives that taste absolutely horrible and have pits, but if you have to be uptown about it, they have some Greek olives with peppers stuffed in them that are edible. I like plain old green and black olives. Avoid olives with pits or you will be finding them all over your house for days. Do not make a salad or a vegetable plate. No one will eat it, and you’ll have to grind it all up in the disposal, or throw it in the yard hoping the birds will eat it though they never do. If you don’t have dogs, borrow some. They are great disposals. Do not give the dogs the margarita punch. You can borrow my dogs who will eat anything—peas, salad greens, cranberry jelly, anything.

• Have lots and lots of booze. If the guests are well oiled enough, they’ll listen to people talk about their grandchildren and actually act interested. I always make heavily laced Margarita punch which they love. With enough Margarita punch, they will swear yours is the best party they ever attended. Recipe for Margarita Punch: 2 or more bottles of Margarita mix, 1-2 bottles of Tequila per punchbowl depending on the size of the punchbowl. Lots of largish plastic cups or iced tea glasses. Ice.

• Buy a lot of cream cheese. You can spread a dab of cream cheese on a cracker and stick an olive or canned shrimp on it, and the guests will think they are at the Ritz. Another cream cheese trick for the really lazy is to plop a block of cream cheese on a plate and pour something like blackberry or currant jelly over it and add some parsley on the side. Serve with fancy crackers from the grocery store. It looks great and with enough Margarita punch, guests will eat it. If you don’t have parsley, just put some celery leaves by it. It will taste terrible but if you have followed the Margarita punch instructions, it won’t matter.

• Have a carry-in. I like to do this. It saves a lot of work and the guests will generally eat the stuff they brought even though no one else will.

• If you insist on cooking fresh food, make the guests work. They love it because it delivers them from having to make small talk about their gallbladder operation or their trip to Cancun. I am a big fan of chili or Frito pie if I want to cook something. I made chili with Wick Fowler seasoning at one party, and one guest had enough Margarita punch that he swore that was the best chili he had ever had.

• Make more Margarita punch. Drink a lot of it.

If you are attending a party, there are some problems with etiquette I should cover:

Since you can never find a seat at a party to eat and drink because someone else has always gotten there first, there is a real problem in holding your plate and drink and eating. I find that if I hold the plate in my left hand and the drink in my right hand, I either spill the food or the drink. If I spill the drink, I usually just stand on the spot on the carpet until I figure that people won’t notice I messed it up. But with diligent research, I discovered the way to hold a plate and a drink at the same time and still eat. This requires a sort of genius that most of us don’t have. But here’s how to do it. You slide the edge of the plate between your little finger and third finger and set the drink on the plate. Then you eat and drink with the other hand. This works with paper or plastic plates which weigh about .000007 of a gram, but I haven’t tried it with real plates. I suppose if the plate is heavy you could put it between your 2nd and 3rd fingers and prop it up with your little finger, but I don’t know because I only attend cheap parties.

The plate trick works unless you have a fork. You can try to wedge the fork under some food, but after you eat that food, you’re out of luck. My solution is to lick the fork clean and put it in a pocket or your purse. Ladies can always stick it down their bras. If you are not wearing a bra, I recommend buying a fork garter and you can stick the fork in there. This is particularly useful at weddings where they use real silverware, so you can’t go back and get 3 or 4 forks. Really, the nerve of some people – only one fork per person!

I hope this has been helpful for the coming holiday season. If you don’t spill your drink, you can thank me.

__________________

bitteroldhag

Banded: May 11, 2006

Dr. Arturo Rodriguez

Monterrey, Mexico

It's true that cats are difficult. Mine eat dry food from a feeder, but they gather around me like vultures when I eat. I have to feed them little tidbits or they will actually climb into my plate and snag something. They do like asparagus though. Odd,no?

Cats are from Outer Space, who else would have the nerve to turn down good food! The only cats I found at parties wear spiked heals, and they arent purring either!

Cats are from Outer Space, who else would have the nerve to turn down good food! The only cats I found at parties wear spiked heals, and they arent purring either!

Oh, I know about those kitties. They are the ones with the sharp claws. I've worked with them from time to time....