If you are planning to give a party, the first thing you should do is lie down, take 5 deep breaths and think of the ocean or a mountain stream until the urge subsides. If, after meditating for quite awhile, you still plan to give a party, you should follow these rules:

• If you make sausage cheese balls, stand over them and eat all of them without letting anyone else have one. Tell them you suspect they are poisoned and you feel that it’s your duty to taste all of them.

• Make stuff ahead of time. By this I mean, buy stuff ahead of time. You can get great little quiches and spanikopitas (spelling?) and stuff like that at the grocery store. Buy some good tasting lunch meat and rolls and make little sandwiches, and the folks will think they are really uptown. I’m a believer in olives. My friend serves these Greek olives that taste absolutely horrible and have pits, but if you have to be uptown about it, they have some Greek olives with peppers stuffed in them that are edible. I like plain old green and black olives. Avoid olives with pits or you will be finding them all over your house for days. Do not make a salad or a vegetable plate. No one will eat it, and you’ll have to grind it all up in the disposal, or throw it in the yard hoping the birds will eat it though they never do. If you don’t have dogs, borrow some. They are great disposals. Do not give the dogs the margarita punch. You can borrow my dogs who will eat anything—peas, salad greens, cranberry jelly, anything.

• Have lots and lots of booze. If the guests are well oiled enough, they’ll listen to people talk about their grandchildren and actually act interested. I always make heavily laced Margarita punch which they love. With enough Margarita punch, they will swear yours is the best party they ever attended. Recipe for Margarita Punch: 2 or more bottles of Margarita mix, 1-2 bottles of Tequila per punchbowl depending on the size of the punchbowl. Lots of largish plastic cups or iced tea glasses. Ice.

• Buy a lot of cream cheese. You can spread a dab of cream cheese on a cracker and stick an olive or canned shrimp on it, and the guests will think they are at the Ritz. Another cream cheese trick for the really lazy is to plop a block of cream cheese on a plate and pour something like blackberry or currant jelly over it and add some parsley on the side. Serve with fancy crackers from the grocery store. It looks great and with enough Margarita punch, guests will eat it. If you don’t have parsley, just put some celery leaves by it. It will taste terrible but if you have followed the Margarita punch instructions, it won’t matter.

• Have a carry-in. I like to do this. It saves a lot of work and the guests will generally eat the stuff they brought even though no one else will.

• If you insist on cooking fresh food, make the guests work. They love it because it delivers them from having to make small talk about their gallbladder operation or their trip to Cancun. I am a big fan of chili or Frito pie if I want to cook something. I made chili with Wick Fowler seasoning at one party, and one guest had enough Margarita punch that he swore that was the best chili he had ever had.

• Make more Margarita punch. Drink a lot of it.

If you are attending a party, there are some problems with etiquette I should cover:

Since you can never find a seat at a party to eat and drink because someone else has always gotten there first, there is a real problem in holding your plate and drink and eating. I find that if I hold the plate in my left hand and the drink in my right hand, I either spill the food or the drink. If I spill the drink, I usually just stand on the spot on the carpet until I figure that people won’t notice I messed it up. But with diligent research, I discovered the way to hold a plate and a drink at the same time and still eat. This requires a sort of genius that most of us don’t have. But here’s how to do it. You slide the edge of the plate between your little finger and third finger and set the drink on the plate. Then you eat and drink with the other hand. This works with paper or plastic plates which weigh about .000007 of a gram, but I haven’t tried it with real plates. I suppose if the plate is heavy you could put it between your 2nd and 3rd fingers and prop it up with your little finger, but I don’t know because I only attend cheap parties.

The plate trick works unless you have a fork. You can try to wedge the fork under some food, but after you eat that food, you’re out of luck. My solution is to lick the fork clean and put it in a pocket or your purse. Ladies can always stick it down their bras. If you are not wearing a bra, I recommend buying a fork garter and you can stick the fork in there. This is particularly useful at weddings where they use real silverware, so you can’t go back and get 3 or 4 forks. Really, the nerve of some people – only one fork per person!

I hope this has been helpful for the coming holiday season. If you don’t spill your drink, you can thank me.

__________________

bitteroldhag

Banded: May 11, 2006

Dr. Arturo Rodriguez

Monterrey, Mexico

How funny! And some darn good ideas!

LOL-now I feel ready to entertain!

Very funny and very true!

I heard Amy Sedaris ("Strangers With Candy") has a hilarious new book about entertaining and life itself. I will pick it up ASAP - I'll need a laugh for the holidays.

(Oh, and speaking of holiday laughs - her brother, the famed author David Sedaris, wrote "Holidays on Ice" which is a side-splitting look at his family's Christmas hijinks. It's one of my favourites.)

OK, I'll post this on the book worm thread, LOL.

Only drink clear coloured drinks. When you spill 'em on yourself they won't stain. That's what I always do at parties.

Ah, the clear drinks idea --that's very good. Maybe some others have some party suggestions. It's always difficult to stand on food when I drop it, so I could use some suggestions about that. Usually I pick it up and manage to spill more while I'm stooping down.

I have noticed that I'm getting like my mother. If I go out to eat, I always drip stuff on my chest. I think it's because my boobs stick out, but they are so droopy at my age that may not be it. It could be that I'm a slob. At any rate, mother has finally gotten to the point that she just tucks her napkin in her neckline and that solves the food on the chest problem, but doesn't do much for the food in the lap situation. Luckily I rarely eat out after the lapband, and when I drop food, the dogs scarf it up immediately. They are so lovely to have around as disposals.

Oof, the usual lol response! I should tell you that when I go out I am very picky about what I wear and about what I eat! I don't want to eat anything that will destroy my dress-up outfit!

This means that that the party goer must dress carefully and that she must refrain from drinking those drinks that will stain. And she must remember to hunch over her dinner in exactly the same way that her cat hunches over his food bowl. It ain't elegant but it works! Remember, if it's good enough for your pussy, it's good enough for you!

Oof, the usual lol response! I should tell you that when I go out I am very picky about what I wear and about what I eat! I don't want to eat anything that will destroy my dress-up outfit!

This means that that the party goer must dress carefully and that she must refrain from drinking those drinks that will stain. And she must remember to hunch over her dinner in exactly the same way that her cat hunches over his food bowl. It ain't elegant but it works! Remember, if it's good enough for your pussy, it's good enough for you!

Oh Green! ROFL

:uwelcome:

I agree, you should have things as good as your pussy does!

Ah, the clear drinks idea --that's very good. Maybe some others have some party suggestions. It's always difficult to stand on food when I drop it, so I could use some suggestions about that. Usually I pick it up and manage to spill more while I'm stooping down.

I have noticed that I'm getting like my mother. If I go out to eat, I always drip stuff on my chest. I think it's because my boobs stick out, but they are so droopy at my age that may not be it. It could be that I'm a slob. At any rate, mother has finally gotten to the point that she just tucks her napkin in her neckline and that solves the food on the chest problem, but doesn't do much for the food in the lap situation. Luckily I rarely eat out after the lapband, and when I drop food, the dogs scarf it up immediately. They are so lovely to have around as disposals.

BOH,

I believe this is the proper action to take when food has fallen to the floor. Now you have to wait a minute or two so that others cannot deduce "cause" and "effect". But at the proper moment you just...

Now if it's the case that you are best friends with the hostess, then you promise yourself that you will personally clean up this spot at the end of the party or you tattle on someone else!! :gossip:

Jo Ann

A pleasant thing to do when food has fallen to the floor is to encourage any available small child to clean it up. They have better eyes than we have and they are so much closer to the floor in the first place. I've also noticed that if you ask them nicely, they are very happy to be of assistance. It is true that they may eat this food so do take care not to accidentally step on it! You don't want to ruin what might otherwise be a delightful snack.

I have found that my dogs are exceptionally good at eating anything dropped on the floor. I cannot recommend dogs highly enough. They are excellent cleaner-uppers. Unfortunately I can't take them to other people's parties. On the other hand, most of my friends have several dogs so they may be aware of the awesome ability of dogs to clean everything up.

Cats don't work nearly as well. Mine just sniff and leave.

Cats don't work nearly as well. Mine just sniff and leave.

LOL-yep, cat's don't have the same talent.

I offered my two cats a bit of cooked salmon from my plate. They sniffed it, then ran away. I have the only cats I know of that are scared of cooked fish...:faint:

It is true that cats are unreliable in eating stuff dropped on the floor. Mine are so choosy that I have to practically serve them on a silver plate. My cat did eat some of my asparagus this evening, but the dog just gobbled it down. He doesn't care what it tastes like. My dogs always run free at parties. They clean the place up so I don't have to the next morning. Let's hear it for dogs.

haha! good pointers! I tend to avoid parties these days though...too much temptation...Yummmy!

becky

It is true that cats are unreliable in eating stuff dropped on the floor. Mine are so choosy that I have to practically serve them on a silver plate. My cat did eat some of my asparagus this evening, but the dog just gobbled it down. He doesn't care what it tastes like. My dogs always run free at parties. They clean the place up so I don't have to the next morning. Let's hear it for dogs.

It's true that cats are no good when it comes to cleaning up one's home of dropped nosh. They are actually messy eaters. Mine leave a litter of half eaten cat cookies around their feeding station and one of 'em likes to hook the wet stuff out of his food bowl and hurl it on the floor with his paw before he will consider eating it. The other licks the gravy off the gooey food and later may or may not eat the rest.

And of course you gotta feed 'em before you get around to making the morning coffee....which you yourself need so bad! Still, that is The Way of The Cat.