Friends- Can We Really Keep Them?

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

I have not forgotten where I come from or who I am as a person...

I have however made up my mind that I won't be sabotaged again.......

Few know what I have been through at the hands of so called well meaning friends and how I have allowed myself to retreat back into the fat me because it was safer and easier for me and for them...most people are comfortable with me being the big girl......even one of my own sisters is okay with being heavy as long as she is smaller then me.....I have just reached a point in my life where I have had enough of being the understanding and the sacrificing girl...I am doing this so I can be here for my grand daughter and my husband and those who love and support me...I am not a cold person....or shallow....I am giving and helpful and loving and caring.......but I really want to be looked at as me..not how safe others feel being around me because I am fat....or judge me because of my size.....enough is enough....

[desertmom 297]

Ok I suppose I have always believed we set up our relationships the way we want them to be.

I also havent had any friendships that wasnt intentional for many years.

I just love each and every one of my friends that have always been patient and kind to me through this whole weight obsession that eventually became my life.They never lost hope that I would find me again.They never judged me or disregarded me as a person.

Hehehe,maybe I have just surrounded myself with great people that I wouldnt let go for love or money.We are all like minded in that we serve the Lord and that will never change.

I am not denying that this is difficult.As I have said some of my more overweight friends are really uncomfortable around me at the moment.We dont get together as often now but I miss them and having been confronted with this just this weekend (it worked out just fine,we watched funny videos from youtube on tv and laughed so much I had a headache) I need to find a way to let them know that I am still me,just lighter,in body and in spirit.That it is actually easier to eat with me now,it is cheaper and and there is always extra food to taste.Easier to be around me as I am not as intense as I always was.(yeah,you wouldnt say so mmmm)lol

Good luck with all the new things in everyones lives!

[juanita19 36]

I have not forgotten where I come from or who I am as a person...

I have however made up my mind that I won't be sabotaged again.......

Few know what I have been through at the hands of so called well meaning friends and how I have allowed myself to retreat back into the fat me because it was safer and easier for me and for them...most people are comfortable with me being the big girl......even one of my own sisters is okay with being heavy as long as she is smaller then me.....I have just reached a point in my life where I have had enough of being the understanding and the sacrificing girl...I am doing this so I can be here for my grand daughter and my husband and those who love and support me...I am not a cold person....or shallow....I am giving and helpful and loving and caring.......but I really want to be looked at as me..not how safe others feel being around me because I am fat....or judge me because of my size.....enough is enough....

We worry about what others think too often. It's about time they share the stage!

[Butterthebean 8,146]

Finding new friends that have similar interests is my newest venture.

Just wondering, how are ya'll going about this? The finding new friends part, I mean. I personally have no clue. It doesn't help that I live in rural southeast Texas so most people around here are only interested in Nascar, hunting and BBQ. Earlier this year (right before surgery) I moved an hour away from where I'd always lived, and thus an hour from most of my friends.

My wife and I do alot together and we enjoy each other's company quite a bit. We go hiking, running, cycling...but outside of her there's nobody I really hang out with anymore.

[O.T.R. sleever 3,386]

Just wondering' date=' how are ya'll going about this? The finding new friends part, I mean. I personally have no clue. It doesn't help that I live in rural southeast Texas so most people around here are only interested in Nascar, hunting and BBQ. Earlier this year (right before surgery) I moved an hour away from where I'd always lived, and thus an hour from most of my friends.

My wife and I do alot together and we enjoy each other's company quite a bit. We go hiking, running, cycling...but outside of her there's nobody I really hang out with anymore.[/quote']

I go to local outfitters when I'm home and ask if there are any events or gatherings locally. Get to know the guys at the local bike shop, when the next community ride comes up if you see them there stop & say hi, they'll likely introduce you to some of their other friends & clientel.

[mwrarr 244]

I moved to a new town almost 1-1/2 yrs ago. I found that getting involved with local events, farmers market, local music scene, etc...as well as watching postings at the library, craigs list & local groups/businesses/artsy groups' Facebook event listings, etc...has kept me busy & in the loop. I still don't have a lot of friends here, but I know a boatload of people & have a lot of fun. That being said, I still hold back bc of my size & that's (one reason) why I decided to do the surg...

347*294/285/135 (*347HW/294SSW)

[Butterthebean 8,146]

Well, I'll have to think on that some. First of all, the closest bike shop from me is 45 minutes...I live in the sticks. Secondly, I sorta have a love/hate relationship with bike shops....being the bike snob that I am.

I've been thinking about joining a gym or a crossfit class...even though I have everything I need at home. It would give me a chance to hang out around some healthier people. Again, it would still likely be 45 minutes away, but everything can't be perfect.

[mwrarr 244]

I got a lot of "activity leads" from my Y. Plus, a pretty good workout. But, I'm very lucky to only be about a 5-min drive fom the house to the Y.

I worry about the friends issue as my journey towards VSG travels on. I already have a divide between my "best friend" as anytime I try to talk about it, she gets all hyper & says things like "I just couldn't do that...*I* know what I'm doing wrong..." etc (she's morbidly obese, too). Shes a nurse & has said that it just terrifies her, but she will support me. But her idea of support is trying to get me to change my mind & try the next fad. As such, I just avoid it. She lives an hour away anyway, so it's not like it's an everyday issue.

The other one is my BF... Our relationship is pretty steady, but lately he's showing weird signs (I think he's just scared & it's manifesting in weird comments/actions), but we are also very social & up until now almost all of our celebrations/dates, etc centered around food/drink. I'm afraid he's going to (possibly subconsciously) take my inability/desire to imbibe/gorge as a rejection of him &/or us. *LeSigh* We've talked about this & he's tried to assure me that my weight/surg would not be the takedown of our relationship, but who knows. I have faith, but faith can fail...

My family is great. I'm very lucky that my sister went first (RNY in 2010), so they are not phased at all by the possibility that I'll be going thru the holidays on liquids. My step-mother even said, "oh hell, we'll just find some sugar free pumpkin pie Creamer for your tea" haha <3

347*294/285/135 (*347HW/294SSW)

[Fiddleman 4,376]

Most of my adult life has been without friends. It is not that I am anti social, but I have spent most of my adult life climbing the career ladder. This has paid off literally and my wife and I are living very comfortably. Still I don't have any friends that are meaningful.

I have casual friends at work, but my best friend is my wife ( we have both been obese most of marriage, but my weight has gone up and down a couple times). We do everything together except physical activities which I really miss sharing with someone. She supports my ambitions to be active, but does not seem to want to make life changing decisions herself in this area. She was going to have the sleeve like me, but then changed her mind after reading about complications, getting sick, etc.

My brother has helped fill this void by hiking with me over the years, but there is so much more I want to go out and experience ( caving, rock climbing, technical climbing, etc) and it would be great to have friends I could share the adventures with.

Now that I have lost over 50% of my excess weight 3.5 months in and 110 lbs down, 40 to go), I want to get out there and do more active things.

I used to be an avid hiker 15-20 years ago, so am thinking about joining a hiking meet up or two. I am also a musician and used to busk for fun with musician friends many years ago when I was in college. I miss doing that.

In the last 10 years, I think being obese has really stopped me from bonding with people outside of family because of negative societal stigma towards heavy folks and fear of rejection. Sorry to spell it out like this, but people can be unconscionably cruel in the manner they reject you based on appearances. That is the way of societal evolution here in America and as much as I hate it, there is little I can do about it. It makes for a lonely existence at times.

I don't have to be this way any longer now that my confidence is rising and I am shaping a more socially acceptable appearance. However, it has been so long since i have had any real friends outside of family that I am still a little reluctant to put myself out there. I have forgotten what it is like to have good friends outside of family.

I think once i get closer to goal new people I meet through social situations will accept me at first sight rather than automatically rejecting me like I have some kind of disease they will catch (figuratively speaking of course).

I am looking forward to new friends and new experiences in my new existence as a post sleeve success. Even though this response is long, I hope there are others who benefit from reading it and may be sharing similar thoughts.

[Quianna Armstead 19]

Its amazung how i sit here and read.,i.thought i.had a real friend ,but i learned very quickly..ive been there for her.numerous times even when she was out having surgery..ny last day if work was fri oct 5,i didnt get a goodbye,a hug or anything even that whole weekend,my surgery was10/8 and never got a phone call,ir hospital visit in that day,or prior day,,i was released from the hospital that thurs.she sent a text.that night saying how u feel,but.i.ignored,and no calls/visits over.the weekend either,so its a wake up call to me ...i know who my true friends are it has shown

[desertmom 297]

Quianna,people are funny about surgeries or anything that makes us "better".

I personally think it is becaue they are scared it will make them look "not better".

Lets face it,when we see someone bigger than us,secretly it does make one feel better about yourself.I dont think people are really mean about it.They just dont want to face things like this.My sister,about 15 pounds lighter than me now and my very short plump mommy,have started a very intense diet...lol.I know they would feen bad about themselves when I rock up there,thinner than them.It not that they dont want me to be thin,they just want to be thinner,like always..hehehe.

We all have situations in life that we avoid as we dont know how to deal with it or dont want to deal with it.

Anyhow,as far as the social eating is concerned.I am as social as before,spend more time eating out now.Its good for my weight loss as I just cannot eat much at all in a restaurant.Wish I could do all my meals there.Maybe as expats we just cling together more and our socials are super important to us,just like our friendships.We might just need each other more,not having family around so we brunch and lunch and eat!and not very many of the expats here are overweight anyway,thats why I always use to stand out a lot.And skinny people dont eat a lot anyway!I feel I now fit right in.

[thinoneday 445]

I understand what you mean. . . when I suggest lets go horseback riding, they are "you must be kidding" Why do you want to do that? Lets go eat instead. . . "NO, I DONT WANT TO DO THAT!" So i go horseback riding and they go eat. . . I wonder who feels better? I have never had really good friends, only associates. . . so for me it really doesn't matter. .

[Kansas1965 54]

I know I don't have a lot of friends I stay to my self and not a lot of family to support me but I will make it I'm strong and I work a lot and go to the gym a lot life it hard but it works and I'm glad I had the sleeve done ...

[4ALongerLife 329]

I'm finding it hard to meet ppl beyond my circle and work is just work the older that I get, sigh... so not to concentrate on food... I took a tip from someone and just joined Meet Up dot com.

[Frza 194]

I made friends by posting Craigslist ads for platonic only. I found a tennis partner that way 4 yrs ago, she is now one of my best friends. I met another gal that was new to my area and wanted to do some hiking, she's great too.

My core circle of friends are mostly interested in drinking, watching bands and eating out. I no longer want to do that stuff every weekend. Here and there it's fine but not every fri & sat night.

Placing the ads was weird and reading the email responses was even weirder. I know it's not for everyone but I had great success finding activity partners on C-list, there are lots of normal folks out there looking for new friends!