I am writing as I only have 10 days to go until I become a bandster and I am finding that my marriage is crumbling. My dh is finding fault in everything with me and the kids and is so grumpy it is becoming unbearable. I am thinking of leaving him now. He has told me he is scared but so am I what gives him the right to behave like this He is pushing me away

:help: Please

Kellie,

There are a number of reasons your husband may be behaving this way. The overarching reason is usually "FEAR" of some sort. Could it be:

a. He's afraid you might not make it through surgery and he will lose you forever.

b. He's afraid that you won't love him anymore once you become thin and will eventually leave him.

c. He's afraid as you start to transform to a thinner you that you will become more attractive to the opposite sex and have an affair, thereby putting your marriage in jeapordy.

d. He's afraid of how the change in your eating patterns will affect his.

e. All the above; none of the above; something not listed above.

He's told you he "scared", now it's up to BOTH of you to discuss the fear and find out the root cause so you can both deal with it openly and honestly.

Hi Randi It is all of the above and it is now beyond a joke

I havent cheated on him he has on me

I wouldnt leave just because I am skinny I will if you treat me and my kids wrong

I will come out of this its called positive thinking

:faint:

I married him fat his isnt that fat I loved him through everything and now he does this I feel ripped of that he is making my experience all about him when in reality its not

I am funding this surgery on my own as I have done all along all I asked of him is emotional support and he cant do that

:think

I am sorry I am just at my whits end with him

He is emotionally dislocating himself. As long as he is not abusive, you'll be okay. Everyone has to deal with things there own way...so you really can't say he has no right to behave this way. You wouldn't want him to tell you that. He needs some reassurance right now. He is scared out of his wits. In his mind, you have already left..until he sees that you are okay. Most people behave this way...we just don't always see it. He has cheated on you? He probably sees this as the big "getting ready for a date...make over... and watch out I am getting even with you" If you want it to work out with him it will. Best of luck to you with everything!!

Does your surgeon have a psychologist that he works with for the bariatric patients? Sounds as if this might be a good time to utilize that person if he does. Your husband probably has no idea why he's acting like he is....most men don't think very deeply into their emotions, don't analyze them - they just react. Some conversations with a psychologist could be very helpful to both of you.

I'm sorry this is happening. This surgery is hard enough to live with under the best of circumstances, so I know you are having a hard time.

My husband was scared - we both still are. My dad reacted in a similar negative way.

What really helped my hubby was giving him the opportunity to meet with the surgeon, go to an information session, read LBT, get educated about what the mechanics of banding involve etc. Not rushing the process has helped too. Now he has the education about banding so that he understands why I need this lapband, and has had time to process the implications for himself and family, and realise that apart it's not going to really affect him at all (apart from not being able to keep up with me in the romance dept.... hehehe!)

Dad too, has come around now he's had a chance to find out more about banding and had some time to think things through.

Try not to get angry with him - most men react badly to change in their lives. That is simply part of their pre-historic programming, and can't be changed.

Time, education and space to think and talk things over together will help. It may take a while. Be patient and gentle. Be faithful to your marriage - resist chucking in the towel on your marriage just yet - you married him for important reasons, let those reasons now be your strength to hold onto.

I understand how this is a difficult time, because all you need is for him to be understanding and support you, and not for it to be about him, but once you work through this test of your marriage with him, your long-term rewards will far outweigh what is most likely a short-term lack of understanding. It may be worth talking the issues over with a counsellor or religious minister (if you are religious), to help you each find the other's perspective.

I wish you good luck in your journey.

In the last few weeks before my Lap-Band surgery, I was hell to live with as my internal defense mechanisms and my fear of the unknown caused me to be irritable. I subconsciously took it out on my wife.

Can you identify with any of that Kellie?

And yes, my wife's fears of losing me caused her to react more harshly than she should. Love can show itself in strange ways.

I feel ripped of that he is making my experience all about him when in reality its not

I'm sorry he's not giving you the support you need right now.

This comment kind of jumped out at me though. Yes, it's your experience, and you are the one having surgery, but it will affect him too. So in a way, it is about him also, and your family. Whatever happens, both good and bad, will affect you all.

I could write for an hour about this thread. I will keep it short, though. My husband was such a jerk when i had surgery, would go from yelling at me for nothing to crying because he was scared something was going to happen. He was so mean to me, i cannot even begin to tell you & i would have to use alot of words that are not appropriate lol. Even the first month or so afterwards he still wasn't very nice. Now that everything is back to normal & it is like nothing every happened, it never even gets mentioned. Ride it out & see what happens, if it continues a few months after your surgery - leave his sorry ass lol. JJ

I'm going through a similar situation with my husband. However, we just had a long conversation about this. I was 110 lbs when we got married and just gained a bunch of weight in the past 7 years.

I assured him that my only reason for having this surgery is

(1) for health reasons, I have lots of health problems on my mothers side and I had gestational diabetes during my pregnancies which pretty much guarantees I will have full blown diabetes in the future;

(2) I told him that I want to feel good about myself, like the way I look in my clothes, not get depressed when I'm getting dress, etc.

AND most importantly to feel better about myself when intimiate with him and for a better sex life with him and only him!

I think that helped him some. He does tell me that he is jealous that I am able to have the surgery. His insurance covers the surgery but has a lifetime maximum of $10,000 so it doesn't help him much.

Just give positive reinforcement to your husband (and his ego).

Hi everyone tahnkyou all so much for your input and support yes at times I feel guilty that I dont think more of how he is feeling Lisah but I have just been feeling that he makes it ablout him all the time he hasnt asked me once about how I am feeling

I nearly walked out last night as I just cant handle the constant nit picking and anger but I will give him a couple of months after JJin LAif he continues to be a prick

Thanks again all

Hey Kellie. Sometimes those the closest to us can't give us what we need. It's sad that that happens. It has happened to me before and probably to most of us. That's what is wonderful about LBT. If you ever need support, have questions, fears, anxiety. Whatever. You can always come here, and someone, usually will have experienced the same thing. It's kind of like an extended online family. I don't post that often, but I read alot and get alot of help from everyone here. You will make it! I hope the preparation for your surgery is going well. Good luck and hang in there!

Sam