It's amazing to me how many stories I've read on here where the relationships with long-time boyfriends and husbands, etc. self destruct after this surgery.

I've noticed this for a while and now I'M a victim, too.

I'm a month out and I just learned that my husband has been having an affair with one of the admins at his work. He swears it never got physical, but the emails between them are toe-curling, so it was a very emotional affair at the least. Apparently, it started while I was in the hospital. He told me that it was my fault that he was drawn to her because he felt abandoned by how much I've been sick. Obviously, I had the sleeve to FIX the diabetes, apnea, joint issues, etc. that were keeping me feeling so badly. Which is why the timing of the affair is so heartbreaking for me.

We are doing couples therapy, but I am incredibly hurt and I don't know how I will ever trust him again. I'd give up right now, but we have a beautiful daughter who is my #1 concern right now.

I don't say all this for sympathy, but simply because I am really struck by the amount of stories like this I've seen on here. I guess this procedure is so life changing that it becomes a true crucible test for relationships.

I think people take sex to seriously. He may have done it to enjoy himself or to see if he was still able to find someone. And as we have gotten older and less sexual the flings have slown down as well. I know you feel hurt, but just know if you leave him, the next guy will be just as bad, these things happen.

It sounds like you and your spouse have an understanding and allow this type of relationship, while it is obvious the OP does not have any such agreement or arrangement. I would have to disagree that infidelity is a given, as well. Fidelity should be expected from both partners and that is sexual fidelity as well as emotional. However, I have lived overseas for years and it seems to be a particularly American thing to have this expectation. I get incredulous looks when my response to an offer is that I'm married, because it's inconsequential to many people in many other countries. Same goes for my husband when he's propositioned, so I swear, I'm not pulling this one out of my rear. But I do think that despite your intent to help, your post came across as rude and dismissive to the obvious struggle the OP is experiencing.

OP, I'm very sorry you're going through this. The fact is, emotional infidelity is almost worse than a one-time sexual fling. It means he is looking for something that he is not feeling in your relationship. The fact that he blames you instead of at least accepting responsibility shows a lack of remorse for his action and raises the concern he'd do it again. Couples can and do overcome these things, though, if they really want to do so.

That said...all I can do is say how I'd feel. And I'd feel like crap if my husband cheated on me, blamed me for it, and then all of a sudden rediscovered his interest in me as I dropped weight and got my life into a better place.

Only you can decide what to do and I wish you the best. And for anyone else reading this, I agree 110% with the PP that surgery isn't the cause of problems. If there is any type of issue prior to surgery it usually gets worse as the sleeved person starts to change. And I really think a lot of people are unhappily married but simply accept it as a part of life until they start dealing with their issues and shedding weight. Then they start to question why they're unhappy and choosing to stay that way.

Best of luck to all of you going through these things,

~Cheri

Lot of good advice on here. Bottom line, only you can decide if this is a marriage worth saving. Anyone can make a mistake, but to blame you is totally

crap, and i'm pretty sure a counselor will call him out on that!

Oh Minkle... I don't know you or your husband, but isn't it funny how when spouses make a huge and I mean huge mistake like your husband did they turn it on the ones they are hurting. It helps them to justify what they are doing so they aren't the bad guy. You aren't to blame...just always remember that! We are always here for u if you need us . Good luck hun.

I'll throw my two cents in for you on this one.

These kind of things are never as cut and dry as we would like them to be or as it seems they should be. My now ex wife cheater on me a few years ago. There is a long story to it and some things that factor in but nothing that changes the fact that she cheated on me. I tried to wrap my head around it and make it make sense. We tried to work it out. We got back together for a year maybe a little more. The emotional distress and constant feelings of is it gonna happen again and that still nagging question as to "why?" never went away. I managed to find myself in some dark places with some very bad feelings and thoughts so I decided enough is enough and left. Luckily there were no kids involved so that was not a factor.

I have a couple friends that went thru this with kids and they are fine. The kids watch, listen, and learn. They are mental sponges and soak up everything. They know when mommy and daddy aren't happy or when things aren't right and it affects them. It's not fair to them and they can adapt to change in environment and people should you decide to leave.

Your feelings of abandonment will never leave you. Your feelings of resentment will never leave you. Your questions of why? will never truly be answered and you will always wander "will it happen again??." Ask yourself if you can live with that.... Only you know the answer to that.

You will come out a little bit harder and a little jaded either way but you do what is best for you in your situation.

Peace of Mind is Golden...

I sat my husband down before surgery and we discussed this subject. At one point in our marriage he was very insecure about me going places without him. After 36 years of marriage, we had come to a place where we were good with doing things apart. I told him if surgery was going to chane things I wasn't going to do it, I told him I was never going back to the way it was before. So far so good. I hate that you are dealing with his insecurity.

At the risk of sounding heartless...I think the surgery' date=' and your sickness, are merely excuses for someone who was weak, and cheated on you! Anyone who can cheat when you are at your most vulnerable, is a low-life. Just don't let HIS weaknesses impact your weight loss, and care for your daughter.[/quote']

I SO agree with you!!!!

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Only you can make the decision whether the marriage is worth the heartache and working through. Unfortunately trust is out the window and even if the marriage does work out, the distrust will ALWAYS be there. You have to decide if that is something you want to deal with for the rest of your relationship or not.

I read the article that was posted here and John Pilcher is my doctor and I have spoken with him about these things and he very frankly stated that this is a risk taken with the surgery. Sometimes we have spouses that can't handle our newfound confidence and hotness. That's THEIR PROBLEM, NOT OURS!

Secondly, I agree with others here in saying that your husband is weak and is using your surgery as an excuse to stray. He should be standing right beside you and encouraging you on getting healthy and doing whatever it takes to support you and tell you how beautiful you are each day. Don't sell yourself short.

I wish you the best and hope it works out for you with whatever choice you make.

This is so sad yet so not surprising to me. I haven't had surgery yet- been married almost 17 years with 2 wonderful kids. I'll say that I am not an angelic wife (because I don't want to be) by no means but historically my husband pulled this crap in the way past- I went back (kids) and as I have matured in my life I find myself questioning that more and more. I look forward to surgery- I look forward to confidence in my self image again. I did go through the psych eval (passed) and don't feel for a second I have unresolved stuff to work through. For me- this surgery is about finding me again. In the end- it could make us stronger or it will break us. But for me- one thing is certain- I will be happy and nobody is going to get in the way of that. One life to live . So- I hope you find that in your heart in these next few months. Concentrate on you. Only you have control of your happiness.

What he did is inexcusable, but not unforgivable. I do understand his "resentment," for lack of a better word, with your sickness. My wife developed a chronic illness many years ago, and I would have cheated had opportunity presented itself. I am thankful I did not, and finally made peace with myself when I decided that my wedding vows MEANT something. Best decision I ever made. Your husband may come around, or he may not. I would think twice before I would discard this marriage though, as divorce is not pain-free either. If you have a church, perhaps you two could seek counseling from your pastor. Best of luck...

Check out this article. I think it is pretty good.

That was a great article!

Food for thought.....but I dont think men really seak to cheat, I think some women are out and about trying to see if they "still got it" and can turn the head of a married man. I'm sorry you were sick and I agree with everyone when they say it wasn't your fault. It wasn't! However, men also need attention just like we do. They just arent as vocal about needing it as we women are. Sadly what can happen is a husband who is put on the back burner for a little while for whatever reason is an easy target for another women who is likely just bored. All she really needs to do is say to him, "you are so hot" and his head will turn. It just will. I am NOT saying he isnt at fault, he is obviously but I can just bet you that he really didn't set out to do this. I have been with the same man for 21 years and we have survived infidelity and I am so glad we were able to do it. We are older and whole lot wiser now and I believe very strong now too. I believe we would have missed out on so many awesome things if we had just thrown in the towel. My advice is look back on everything you were together before this catastrophe and see if what was there is worth trying to save. If there were all kinds of other issues, than probably not but if he was kind and he was everything you wanted before, I believe that man is still in there he just had a REALLY big fall. I'm glad you are in counseling though counseling never helped us. What helped us was a whole lot of talking (fighting yes too, but fighting is still communication) and time. I hate that you are starting this journey with such an evil start but I wish you the best in whatever path you choose.

I haven't had surgery yet but I have a lot of experience with a lying husband. Mine is an ex now and is still lying. I wish I had left him after the first child and/or the first set of lies. A dyed in the wool liar will always turn things around and put the blame on you when they are caught. It took 18 years with the guy and turning 40 to finally realize that the question isn't "w how could he do this to me?". It's "how could I allow him to treat me this way.". You deserve better, but you have to believe it first. You are on this awesome path of self improvement and discovery. You will make the right decisions for yourself.

I feel this post.. just what i needed to hear or READ.. ive been feeling like maybe my boyfriend loved me more when i was fat.. he cheated AFTER i lost weight.. i just dont get it

I think people take sex to seriously. He may have done it to enjoy himself or to see if he was still able to find someone. He may feel like he is going to be on the market after you lose wieght and leave him. Is there an open line on comunication? The toe curl communication you saw' date=' what was in it? My guess is flirting, and nothing saying oh, i am panning to leave my family for you. Did he feel bad you found out? Prolly yes. My relationship was shaky for the 1st few years ( with small child I bet that is where you are right now) I have found when we have sex with someone else in the begining we always felt that the other was testing a replacement. Eventually we figured out neither is planning to ever leave, and we have a stronger bond now than ever. And as we have gotten older and less sexual the flings have slown down as well. I know you feel hurt, but just know if you leave him, the next guy will be just as bad, these things happen. Now if he is bad for other reason, and likes to control you or hit you he needs to pack a bag, but i sense that is not the case here.[/quote']

Uh not! I understand your POV but we deserve it ALL. good sex included. Noone should EVER put up with any disrespect or a blatant disregard. Seriously while u were in the hospital? You know better. I stayed with my ex after inexcusable behavior with 2 kids, including a newborn. I gave it everything I had and when I finally left it was with a clear conscious. Do what u have to do but never diminish your worth. You get it ALL, not just part.

I know your marriage is your business and that I'm only speculating because I am not/have never been married, but I don't think I would ever stay with someone that cheated and still had the gall to say it was my fault.

I hope you know that you have NO fault from your surgery/illness. Whether or not there were contributing factors already present that made the relationship rocky is one thing, but in my opinion, cheating always ultimately lies with the cheater at fault. You deserve none of the guilt for his selfish actions.

In my experience, emotional affairs are almost worse than physical affairs. I can almost understand being weak sexually, but letting someone come between your emotional bond is another thing.

You are a strong person, and I hope that whatever you decide and whatever you go through after this, that you realize you deserve better. You are a great person and you are working on your health and no matter what happens, you have given you and your daughter a chance to be together for many more years to come, and that's a blessing, whether or not you stay with your husband. I wish you all the best of luck, and I hope you're able to find peace.