It's amazing to me how many stories I've read on here where the relationships with long-time boyfriends and husbands, etc. self destruct after this surgery.

I've noticed this for a while and now I'M a victim, too.

I'm a month out and I just learned that my husband has been having an affair with one of the admins at his work. He swears it never got physical, but the emails between them are toe-curling, so it was a very emotional affair at the least. Apparently, it started while I was in the hospital. He told me that it was my fault that he was drawn to her because he felt abandoned by how much I've been sick. Obviously, I had the sleeve to FIX the diabetes, apnea, joint issues, etc. that were keeping me feeling so badly. Which is why the timing of the affair is so heartbreaking for me.

We are doing couples therapy, but I am incredibly hurt and I don't know how I will ever trust him again. I'd give up right now, but we have a beautiful daughter who is my #1 concern right now.

I don't say all this for sympathy, but simply because I am really struck by the amount of stories like this I've seen on here. I guess this procedure is so life changing that it becomes a true crucible test for relationships.

First, thank you for sharing and your trust on us. I am so sorry to hear this. I am divorced. It took me a long time to walk away from my husband. Exactly 5 years. We were married for 10 years. Back then our kids were 7 and 4 years old. Although there was no infidelity involved, realizing that you are with someone that is looking after himself and not for you and your children is heartbreaking. I talked to him, we went to counseling, he didn't change. While I was still with him, I did mourned the idea that we would not be a 'traditional' family. I was done with him, but didn't want to hurt my kids. I was so afraid. I took my time, looked at other couples stories, meditated.IFinally, when I was ready, and not sooner than that, I walked away. There was a moment that did it for me. I KNEW that walking away was the best for my kids and I. At the end, it all worked out. Especially with the kids, who no longer have an angry mommy and don't have to endure a tense environment. I actually now get along with my ex, and he is a better father now than he was when we were together. Probably because he is happier and at peace too. My point is, take your time. As much time as you need. If you stay, I am sure is because you see something that makes you think it will work out. Only you know. If you walk, make sure you do so with conviction, for you. Either way, both steps require a whole lot of courage. Show your daughter that you are a fighter. The fact that you had the courage to have this surgery shows that you are. Hugs and support.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you. I obviously don't know you or your husband so I'm reluctant to just throw advice out to you. I have noticed that there are several posts of women leaving bad marriages and good for you gals if your lives are now better. We all deserve to find happiness, and if that means a divorce, or a breakup then so be it. But not all of us guys are as bad as some of the ones I read about on here. My wife and I celebrated our 30th anniversary last month and we have 2 beautiful children. She is my partner, lover and best friend. I had my VSG in June and she took a week off to stay home and care for me just in case I needed her around. 8 years ago, I had a stroke and I couldn't stand, walk or bathe myself. She was there, at my side the whole time, bathing me, feeding me, helping me walk....she never once complained. Thank God, I had a full recovery with no side effects. My wife never had a weight issue (she's 5 ft. 117 lbs) but she was completely supportive of me having this surgery, and I did it because I love her so much and I want to have the benefit of more years with her. I don't care if this surgery turns me into the hottest guy on earth, I will NEVER stray from her (in 30 years, I have never strayed). She is a big reason why I'm still alive and she's my reason for living, and that will never change.

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Whatever you decide to do' date=' I hope it works out for you. I obviously don't know you or your husband so I'm reluctant to just throw advice out to you. I have noticed that there are several posts of women leaving bad marriages and good for you gals if your lives are now better. We all deserve to find happiness, and if that means a divorce, or a breakup then so be it. But not all of us guys are as bad as some of the ones I read about on here. My wife and I celebrated our 30th anniversary last month and we have 2 beautiful children. She is my partner, lover and best friend. I had my VSG in June and she took a week off to stay home and care for me just in case I needed her around. 8 years ago, I had a stroke and I couldn't stand, walk or bathe myself. She was there, at my side the whole time, bathing me, feeding me, helping me walk....she never once complained. Thank God, I had a full recovery with no side effects. My wife never had a weight issue (she's 5 ft. 117 lbs) but she was completely supportive of me having this surgery, and I did it because I love her so much and I want to have the benefit of more years with her. I don't care if this surgery turns me into the hottest guy on earth, I will NEVER stray from her (in 30 years, I have never strayed). She is a big reason why I'm still alive and she's my reason for living, and that will never change.

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That's so sweet! There is still hope, ladies!

I think people take sex to seriously. He may have done it to enjoy himself or to see if he was still able to find someone. He may feel like he is going to be on the market after you lose wieght and leave him. Is there an open line on comunication? The toe curl communication you saw' date=' what was in it? My guess is flirting, and nothing saying oh, i am panning to leave my family for you. Did he feel bad you found out? Prolly yes. My relationship was shaky for the 1st few years ( with small child I bet that is where you are right now) I have found when we have sex with someone else in the begining we always felt that the other was testing a replacement. Eventually we figured out neither is planning to ever leave, and we have a stronger bond now than ever. And as we have gotten older and less sexual the flings have slown down as well. I know you feel hurt, but just know if you leave him, the next guy will be just as bad, these things happen. Now if he is bad for other reason, and likes to control you or hit you he needs to pack a bag, but i sense that is not the case here.[/quote']

You have no idea what your talking about! How can you say the next guy will be just as bad? Here's a news flash for ya....NOT ALL MEN CHEAT!! This isn't a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship its a MARRIAGE! He took vows before God to love and honor his wife! Where is the honor? Or the love? His ass should have been beside his wife taking care of her not "flirting" aka having an affair!!

I haven't had surgery yet I'm just in the very beginning stage. I'm sure for many reasons relationships don't make it after this life altering surgery. I must say from experience in the area of cheating that from counseling you must remember its not your fault! This is his problem! He's the one with the problem and needs help himself. I feel this would of happened even if you didn't have the surgery. Eight yrs. ago my husband had an affair with someone that works with him. I was shocked our 25th anniversary was coming up my daughter left to go to another state. My dad was extremely ill and in ho****e during all this and passed away. I felt he couldn't have picked a worse time. I kept it a seacret for months during all this and trusted he was no longer seeing her and that since he didn't want counseling we would work on it together. None of that was true. Long story short . I filed for divorce he was served papers and I was ready o move out. He came to me begging for us to work it out . I felt bad for him would you believe that! He looked terrible and his state of mind was really bad. Yeah I know good for him. Oh and I must mention I was down 72 lbs. during this time from weight watchers. I am still with him it's not easy I'm 55 yrs old and stayed because it would be easier for ME! The trust is not there but it's not as bad as it use to be. I just feel for you. Go to a counselor for You. I gained all my weight back and I know what happened didn't help me. So make you healthy now . Work on this crap later. It's all about you right now. You you you! Good luck you'll be just fine. I understand the emotions your having right now. Talk to someone. No one really gets this unless you have been there. You can make it work but for now and your recent surgery get help for you now.

I haven't had surgery yet I'm just in the very beginning stage. I'm sure for many reasons relationships don't make it after this life altering surgery. I must say from experience in the area of cheating that from counseling you must remember its not your fault! This is his problem! He's the one with the problem and needs help himself. I feel this would of happened even if you didn't have the surgery. Eight yrs. ago my husband had an affair with someone that works with him. I was shocked our 25th anniversary was coming up my daughter left to go to another state. My dad was extremely ill and in ho****e during all this and passed away. I felt he couldn't have picked a worse time. I kept it a seacret for months during all this and trusted he was no longer seeing her and that since he didn't want counseling we would work on it together. None of that was true. Long story short . I filed for divorce he was served papers and I was ready o move out. He came to me begging for us to work it out . I felt bad for him would you believe that! He looked terrible and his state of mind was really bad. Yeah I know good for him. Oh and I must mention I was down 72 lbs. during this time from weight watchers. I am still with him it's not easy I'm 55 yrs old and stayed because it would be easier for ME! The trust is not there but it's not as bad as it use to be. I just feel for you. Go to a counselor for You. I gained all my weight back and I know what happened didn't help me. So make you healthy now . Work on this crap later. It's all about you right now. You you you! Good luck you'll be just fine. I understand the emotions your having right now. Talk to someone. No one really gets this unless you have been there. You can make it work but for now and your recent surgery get help for you now.