I am 49 years old and my brothers are 59 and 54. In other words, old enough to know better. They have been treating me like crap ever since I have become obese, about 12 years ago. It is getting to the point where I am wondering if I ever want to be around them anymore. It hurts me so much because they are the only siblings I have, no sisters. I am very hurt by my brother's most recent comment: "How can you stand her at home all the time?" He said that to my husband. I was embarrassed, hurt, crushed... Mom says they love me and ask about me all the time, but they treat me like I am a pain in the rear and are VERY disrepectful to me. I have forgiven and forgiven. I really love all my family, but don't know how much more pain I can take. Any ideas out there? I hate the idea of cutting ties with them, but dread their hateful comments too. My heart is aching... I am a good person, a teacher for 23 years, Mother to two beautiful children, Wife to a very nice guy who works hard on my family's land, don't drink, smoke, lie, steal hubcaps, etc etc .. Have a good sense of humor, caring, fun to be around... I just don't get it. I am worthy of respect as a human being and as their sister!

It's hard with family. If my father were not my father, he'd never hear from me again, but being my father, I feel I have ties to him and that he deserves a certain amount of contact with me.

Since your mom says they care about you and ask about you all the time, is there a chance you could get her to drop a hint the next time they ask about you? "Oh, she's doing fine, but you know, she mentioned something to me the other day that I'd like to talk to you about..."

Mert--

So sorry you are going thru this terrible time!!! It is a blessing to have a wonderful husband and children that love you! It is also great that you are smart and know that you don't deserve bad treatment!!!

I would have a heart to heart and part of what I would say is by asking them if they would like to be told a fault about themselves each time that you came together....maybe too short, too skinny, whatever.....it's a hurtful thing to hear your faults repeatedly!!!! I worked w/ juvenile justice adolescent boys and found that praise does MUCH more than mean!!!! Maybe your mom could intervene....but most likely it will take you saying something. Then....you may have to have a season of separation.... maybe they'll realize how hurtful that is and that you want no part of it!! Not forever but until they get their heads out of their bottoms so they have more oxygen and use their brains!!

God bless,

Melody

Banded 3/20/06 -74lbs :huggie:

Oh man Mert I am so sorry about your brothers. Do they know how much they are upsetting you? The thing that i love about my brother is that he knows how much comments about my weight hurt me so he never says anything like that, even when we fight. Perhaps if you speak to your brothers or let them see you cry they will understand that those comments are compltly off limits to be used under no circumstances. If they still make comments i would say not to speak with them for awhile then try again in a while and see if they learned their lesson. Oh do they know that you are going for the lap band? Perhaps if they knew that you are trying to lose weight they will lessen up. Goodluck.

Thank you all for your heartfelt words of wisdom and experience. I am going to mull this over for a while and stay about as far away from them as I can while I mull it over. It is hostile toxic behavoir and I cannot do toxic right now. I am too busy with doing exciting and positive things and have neither the time or inclination to tolerate their negative pathetic behavior. I am just so excited about being banded day after tomorrow...I have so much to be thankful for and am showered with blessings everyday. No time for those guys at the present time. I hope they find some peace for themselves because I love them, but I'll have to love them from afar for now.

Bless your heart. I totally understand there are people out there that consiously or mabey unconsiously are predjudice against overweight people or "different" people in general. I've got too many stories to mention. It just hurts when it's family. Remember, what comes around, goes around. They obviously are immature.

You're going to be the "hot" sister soon enough. Rub that in their faces. Who needs to be around that? Oh, and parents always try to smooth differences between their children. Hog wash.

Julia

I would certainly understand if you wanted them out of your life because of their behavior. They certainly should know better. But, you are their little sister whom they have probably picked on all of their lives. That is not said to condone their actions. However, they probably have no idea that it really hurts you. They would probably tromp on anyone else that treated you that way.

Try to tell them. And certainly you must tell them if (or when) you are ready to alienate them from your life, you need to tell them how their comments make you feel. Tell them. They may have no clue. I have a sister-in-law that will get mad at me for something I said, or type in an email. Now, she never tells me what I did. She just stops communicating with me. When I finally realize that it's been 5 months since I've gotten an email, or she immediately passes my phone call off to my brother, so she won't talk to me. I have no idea what I've done to hurt her feelings or make her mad. I have to figure it out (and of course my brother refuses to help).

I also liked the comment to ask your mom for intervention. And why isn't your husband dressing them down? His job is to protect you. Part of marriage vows! Sheesh!

Congratulation on your upcoming banding. You are doing such a good thing for yourself.

My mom is 83 years old and even though she is as spry as a spring chicken, I do not like to place that burden on her. She has been intervening for me for years. It is very tough on her and it breaks her heart. I don't want to put that on her anymore. I want to keep her cheered up and help her get her mind off problems. She has to care for my dad now full time. She has to take him to dialysis, he can be an a-hole, and asks her to do everything for him. He is very very ill. Yes, being an a-hole runs in the family, esp. among the males. So I want to help be part of the solution for Mom's heavily-burdened duty-filled days. She is fun and carefree by nature and I want her to feel that way, not feel obliged to do my dirty work. I will take care of those brothers myself, in due time, and The Guy Upstairs will help make that opportunity available. I want to do it in love...if at all possible. They need lots of love to crack their rock hard hearts.

OMG_ This is Thursday and Friday is the big band day...yoo hoo...

:clap2: :usa2: :huggie: :huggie: :blabla: :drama: :love: :love: :rockon: :cheer2: :cheer2: :cheer2:

:banana: :banana: :banana: WAIT, My Hubby just told me this is WEDNESDAY!!

Well, close enough for celebration anyway!

Well, brothers seem to be acting better since my surgery on the 11th. Who knows? I can't figure them out. I just have to be cautious of them and not become vulnerable or they might strike at me again. Sad, but true.

I have support from others, don't really need to rely on them for support. Although it sure would be nice to have a good, close relationship with them. They have hurt me so many times, I'm not sure it is possible to repair the damage now because I cannot trust them anymore than I can trust a rattlesnake.Thanks for listening.

Hiya Mert. Congrats on being banded!!! I hope it is going well for you! Tis early....so be good to yourself!

I just read this thread and it really resonated for me. I'm not sure why...I'm not exactly in the same situation as you, but it did resonate, nontheless.

I was curious as to whether or not you spoke to them about it or not. That would have been my advice....to sit down (just the 3 of you) and have a heartfelt talk about it. I also reallllly liked what Koko said about asking your husband to back you up (if he doesn't already) when they say negative things about you to him.

All the best to you Mert.

My sister has always been sensitive about her weight. There was an older man at church who always made negative comments about her weight. One day, she looked him in the eye and said, "Things could be worse, I could be ugly too!" He got the point. Another comment that might drive it home--"I can diet and lose weight, but what are you going to do about that face?" Gee, I'm glad I have a sister!

My sister has always been sensitive about her weight. There was an older man at church who always made negative comments about her weight.

Good grief!! I must have missed that scripture in the bible where Jesus ridiculed someone for being overweight... off to find my bible

For years my Mom would introduce me by name when encountering friends but proudly introduce my slim sister as her daughter. It hurt and even though she has stopped doing this, it's a pain that is hard to forget. Our families are supposed to love and support us, not tear us down.

You ARE worthy of respect and love. If you are not getting that from them, I'd spend as little time with them or around them as possible. Don't take their abuse - if they say something like they did to your husband, tell them to leave your house, or tell them that what they said is rude and hurtful and excuse yourself from their company. Why should you be their punching bag? Don't stand for it anymore. They sound horribly insecure and like they are trying to take out their anger/frustration/inescurity on someone sensitive. Don't let them.

Also, make it clear to your mom and your husband that you expect their full support. No excuses for meaness.

Hey Mert,

I hate to tell you this but your brothers are a-holes. I have an older brother who is an a-hole too. I think the verbal abuse dished out by our siblings and/or parents is what drives us to find comfort in food in the first place. They've probably have treated you poorly since childhood. Tell them "How dare he speak that way to me! And that you're tired of his sh-t and you refuse to be around negative people anymore." Somehow they go the impression they can talk this way about you and it's alright. I'm guessing you must be rather passive. That's got to change. Stand up for yourself and show them your anger. Good luck! Susan

I am so sorry to hear your pain. Your brothers need to be put back into place. Either tell them face to face or write them a letter how this makes you feel. Family is suppose to stick together through thick and thin (pardon the pun...) and support each other in difficult times. I would definetly limit my time around them. Sooner or later, if they cherish you like a sister they will stop saying those cruel words to you.

Be Strong...

Sarah

I would highly recommend taking the mature role in this situation. If they make another comment like this, ask them to step into another room so you can be alone. Put your hands on his shoulders and look him directly in the eyes so he can see how serious you are about the subject. Then, knee him in the crotch as hard as you can. Like most men, he will fall to the ground in a heap and begin to pray for his own death to end the pain.

While he is in what I call the "Attentive Position", tell him very clearly, that his un-kind words hurt you just as much as he hurts now and that he should never again speak to you in this manner. This will create a lasting memory for him, negative re-inforcement matched with a message.

Or, ignore him and his need to feel superior to you for whatever reasons he has and keep in mind your weight is your business and you are working on doing something for yourself. Let him realize later that his need to feel superior is his issue for him to deal with.