None of your business

[AMLP 4]

I'm a private person and my weight I believe is my problem. Problem is.... my family thinks its their business. I don't live near my family but see them about twice a year. How do I NOT tell them I've had surgery when they see the significant weight loss I'm going to have? I don't really want to outright lie, but once one person knows then everyone on Facebook will know.... that is no one can keep a secret in my family and they feel they have the right to tell everyone they run into the family gossip.

Now some you may wonder if I am ashamed of the surgery and the answer is delicate. I just don't want the negativity. I know the surgery is the best thing for me and if I had some decent family and friends I could trust then I'd shout it to the world about how skinny I'm trying to become.

I think I'd like to say I went on a high Protein diet, lowered my calories and started exercising.... all true. Some I suppose will guess and talk about it behind my back, some will be direct and come straight out and ask me and that's where I get scared and want to tell them its none of their business.

Any feedback on this sensitive subject would be appreciated, no negativity please! Thanks!

[myrori 55]

You have to do what is good for you. I too feared negativity but once I told my family and in law family they were all very supportive! I considered not telling them, but having surgery right before thanksgiving and still being the hospital I could not see not telling them as I would had to come up with some reason I was not there and then why I am blending my food at cmas and well I just felt like not telling was lying or would lead to lies. So I just bit the bullet and much to my surprise ALL have been very supportive.

[Tiffykins 673]

You just have to do what is best for you. For me, I'd rather tell people than have them assuming and talking crap about me behind my back. I do understand the sensitivity of the matter, but because of my personality, I'm a blunt, brutally honest person, and would rather cut them off before they had a chance to dig the knife deep in my back.

[BZButterfly79 19]

I vented about this very issue before and to me it basically comes down this issue, this weight, this surgery being a cross I have been carrying, no one at least in my surrounding offered help, there was plenty of criticism so I feel that this belongs to me and of course the friends I have made here because I truly feel that the only person who understands a fat girl is a fat girl or ex-fat girl. If you are fat then you stuff yourself all day according to people, if you are thin then you must have an eating disorder...get it? You can't please everyone so you got to please yourself.

[AutumnLily 77]

I have a good friend that had the surgery and all of the people that were nice to her face were not very nice behind her back. For this reason I will not be telling any of those people that I am having the surgery. As for my family I will eventually have to tell them and I know they are a bunch of gossips as your family is, so I will hold out for as long as possible before letting any of them know.

I know what you are going through and the feelings of not being able to share. I t has nothing to do with shame and everything to do with preventing gossip and ignorant comments being made.

I hope my family are understanding when I get around to telling them.

Lily

[iegal 460]

Sassy;

You and I are on the same page. Not everyone is entitled to know about why/how/when of the decison to have WLS, When I gained weight over the years, I was responsible so when I made the choice to have VSG, I did so alone. Yes, I discussed with my best girlfriends and fiancée but only after I knew this was what I wanted. No one in my family - neither my parents nor young adult children where told of my surgery. No one at work knows, although they see the results. Slowly I have revealed to those what I have done to help my long term health. My mother was shocked, but she was my worse fear. I just told her after a day before Thanksgiving - 2 months after surgery and she lives less than a mile away. My daughter found my paperwork when I was out of town and confronted me, otherwise I would not have said anything to her.

So, how do I handle comments? Well, I tell the partial truthexcluding the fact that I had surgery. I say - I am eating dramatically smaller portions, less calories, minimal amounts of carbs and concentrate on mostly Protein. I am exercising more often. I am going to weight loss support groups weekly.

None of these responses are lies I just have not revealed that I also had taken out 85% of my stomach. Why do others feel the right to know every detail of my struggle? Still embarrassed by how I abused my body for years. My goal of being healthy and active is now achievable and I am thrilled. You can weed out who your foes and advocates are over time as they show their true colors.

No regrets-ocgal

[NinaX 6]

Hi,

I can understand your worry of becoming the centre of gossip. I always find it amazing that people think it's their business what I eat, how I look, weight etc and have found that answering questions with a question is an effective weapon;

- Why do you want to know?

- Doesn't my food look tasty?

-Don't you think I look healthy?

-Are you curious about weightloss because you feel you need to /know someone else who need to loose weight?

Etc. etc.... turning it around to the person with a question ususally makes them surprised and then drop the subject.

Best wished and good luck!

[AMLP 4]

Thanks everyone,

Your responses made me feel much more comfortable about the surgery and who I will tell. I'm glad others feel the same way and have now told me how they'd handle the situation. WIsh me luck! My initial Dr. appointment is tonight, expected to be sleeved in January~!

[Brian66 85]

It's a very personal decsion. I told almost no one prior to my surgery - just my mother, my children and my brother and sister. For me that was the right decision. When I needed to take off from work, I simply said, "I am having minor surgery. Nothing serious, just something that needs to be taken care of." No one had the nerve to ask. Gradually, as people in the office began to notice, I simply told them that I have been working closely with a doctor and a nutritionist - not untrue. Gradually, I have told my friends and extended family and everyone has been very supportive. I think the fact that people can see the dramatic results when I tell them makes it easier for people to accept. A previous post in this chain makes me wonder if people are talking about me behind my back, but if they are, that's their problem, not mine. I am confident that I made the right decision for me for all the right reasons and I am the only person who has to live with my decision.

Good luck to you. Follow your head and heart and you'll do fine.

Best to you,

Brian

[Lila21 36]

I've been thinking a lot about this as I am due to be sleeved in less than two weeks (yipes!). I have only told my best friend, my boss, and few other people (I'm single, so I don't have have a partner to share it with). But, the more I think about it, the more I feel like this isn't anyone else's business. People don't tell me when they have their gallbladders taken out, they don't tell me when they have a stomach ulcer, or problems with their bowels, or backs. Why is it anyone's right to know the intimate details about my personal health choices. If I meet someone who is obese and wants heip, I might share it with them, but I really don't feel like this is anyone's business but mine. It kind of offends me that other people feel like it's their business to know all the inner details of my health decisions. I don't ask about the intimate parts of their lives, and I feel like I am due the same courtesy.

[Cinderella 2]

My parents are divorced. I am telling my father's side, because three other family members have had WLS, and they are very supportive. I am NOT telling my mother's side, because they are all rather puritanical and consider getting any kind of unnecessary surgery to be "not honoring the body God gave you." NOT telling my in-laws, at my husband's request, who is totally against the surgery. NOT telling the people I work with.. Telling certain friends, but not others.

I thought about how I'd handle it when I began losing so much weight and everyone wanted to know how... and for those "haters" in my life, I will say that I had to have a HERNIA operation, and it was a bad hernia and they had to take out a piece of my stomach and, gosh darnit, it just seemed to make me less hungry. Ain't that grand!

I am not, by nature, a liar (or BIG FAT LIAR, as the saying goes), but I agree with SASSY that it is nobody's business what I do with my body. I am not a child, and the world is not my mother. As my grandmother used to say, "stick to your knitting" (meaning, mind your own business). And if she were still alive, she would be supportive.

Cindrella

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,281]

This is a very touchy subject for many, and has been hashed over many times. It really boils down to several things. How your home life or social life is, and how sensitive you can be.

I never considered myself to be the sensitive type of girl. I've always been tough, matter of fact kind of person... and have been able to withstand being bullied and ridiculed by certain adults as a child. This still holds true today - and it always will. I'm more of the type that if you try to P*** on my parade, I'll just smile and wish you a fine day.

But, when I had the Lap-Band installed it was just a horse of a different color all together. I lost quickly in the beginning, and I told EVERYONE I had WLS. Well about 6-7 months in after losing nearly 60 Lbs post op, I started to gain all the weight back. I lost that 60 Lbs on willpower alone. Finally after trying so hard with no help whatsoever from my band I think I just gave up. I would try and try again to start losing again, but I think once I got to the point where I was already mentally jacked and upset, it just never happened. I'd gain 10, lose 8 then gain 15 back. This went on for several years!!!

Then I could see all the eyes on me, questions... like "are you still trying to lose weight"??? Ha!!! This became a huge problem for me. It made me feel worse! It had nothing to do with the other person, it was all me. My confidence was pretty much non-existent. Gone!!

So, when I finally decided to revise to a sleeve I pretty much just told everyone I'm having my band removed and left it at that. I tell everyone I'm on the Atkins diet - which is very true. I've always been active, and go for my daily walks during lunch. No one is thinking the wiser. If they suspect anything more than that, I haven't noticed. Everyone just tells me they notice my weight loss big time, I look great and to keep it up. They are genuinely happy for me.

I simply don't think for one second I'll start gaining my weight back. My sleeve is doing EVERYTHING for me that my band was SUPPOSED to do. I'm doing great, and my confidence is sky high. I'm absolutely NOT doing this all on my own like I did with my band. I'm getting tremendous help from my tool. So that is NOT the reason I've decided not to tell most folks this time. I just want to do this for ME this time. I want to do this without feeling like I'm on display. I felt more judged with everyone knowing about my WLS than this time around without it (per the person who doesn't know I have a sleeve).

I have told only my very closest friends or co-workers whom I know won't divulge my personal information - and of course most of my family. I will eventually tell all of them. I have a great family and all are always supportive and loving. However, whether or not I'll tell any joe schmoe who doesn't know me from Adam? I'll ponder that as time goes on. Frankly, it's none of their business.

[gsleeve 1]

I have not told my family even after surgery. Just a couple of friends. Not sure when, but I do plan to tell my husband soon. He is travelling at the moment.

Still confused...

[Lisalu 89]

This is an interesting re-occurring topic. Personally, I told few before the surgery but have been very open after. I am, in general, a very open person, so this was natural for me. I do understand that a private or reserved person would not make the same decision.

I don't believe anyone is entitled to know how we have lost weight, but I do feel a strong moral compunction not to lie or distort the truth. I think when we tell people, "I'm eating dramatically less and working with a nutritionist, " we are are lying through omission. (OK, not technically lying but deceiving through omission of the key reason.) I think I owe it to fat people everywhere to disabuse thin people of the notion that all it takes is a little willpower to lose weight. If I tell people I'm dieting but don't tell them about the surgery, I give the impression that dramatic weight loss is possible with a little effort. I don't believe this is the case. I think there are some options to keep this quiet but not to lie. I don't discuss my surgery in casual settings with people I don't know well. A colleague asked me conversationally after a meeting how I managed to lose so much weight. I told him, "It's a long story; I'll tell you about it sometime." If he asks again later, I might. Or I might just say, "I don't like to discuss my weight loss." I think you can be very nice and NOT answer people's questions. I often do this with questions about my sexual orientation. Really is that everyone's business? I just say, "I don't like to discuss my personal life."

[thinoneday 445]

I'm a private person and my weight I believe is my problem. Problem is.... my family thinks its their business. I don't live near my family but see them about twice a year. How do I NOT tell them I've had surgery when they see the significant weight loss I'm going to have? I don't really want to outright lie, but once one person knows then everyone on Facebook will know.... that is no one can keep a secret in my family and they feel they have the right to tell everyone they run into the family gossip.

Now some you may wonder if I am ashamed of the surgery and the answer is delicate. I just don't want the negativity. I know the surgery is the best thing for me and if I had some decent family and friends I could trust then I'd shout it to the world about how skinny I'm trying to become.

I think I'd like to say I went on a high Protein diet, lowered my calories and started exercising.... all true. Some I suppose will guess and talk about it behind my back, some will be direct and come straight out and ask me and that's where I get scared and want to tell them its none of their business.

Any feedback on this sensitive subject would be appreciated, no negativity please! Thanks!

Bless your heart. . . well here is what i have been telling people for the past 11 months, that i have just changed my eating habits, i watch how much i eat and exercise. Your not lying cause you WILL be doing that regardless. . . good luck