How do other people deal with this?

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My mom is pretty much in support of my having surgery. But there is a part of her that thinks if I just find the right diet, or figure what physiological factors go into my overeating, I wouldn’t need it. I’d lose all my extra weight and be just fine. The other day she made a comment about how since I had lost weight, short-term to be sure, on many plans, I had failed, not them. I don’t think she realized how that sounded. I hope not. She’s always telling me of some new diet on Oprah or the Today show, and as DH has pointed out, some of what she says contradicts what she told us we should be doing in the past.<O:p</O:p

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Or she’ll want to talk about my childhood, what mistakes she and dad might have made raising me. OK, this is probably worth my delving into, but not with her.<O:p</O:p

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She has never weighed more then 20 pounds above her high school graduation weight, and she was very slender then. She really doesn’t get how it is day to day for me. To be this big. To try, honestly try, and fail at yet another plan. She asked me what my biggest fear was, and I told her it was that I would try my very best at the band, and it won’t work. Because it’s pretty much my last hope.

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I know she loves me, and we talk about it. But she just can’t “get it”. So, do I just give up trying to get her to, and be grateful for what support she can give?

I vote for just love her for who she is and give up on her really understanding. She hasn't walked those miles in her shoes and it is a foreign concept to her. Doesn't mean she is a bad or uncaring person.

Terry

I vote for just love her for who she is and give up on her really understanding. She hasn't walked those miles in her shoes and it is a foreign concept to her. Doesn't mean she is a bad or uncaring person.

Terry

Excellent advice.

Lisah, we ALL wish there was just one more diet, just one more try and maybe we could find the answer. hugs

hugs and good luck with your journey.

My wife did not support me at all in my eandevor for LB. My dad did not support me but drove me to the hospital for the surgery (wife would not even drive me) and my mom was against anyone cutting into her baby.

Now that I am 50 lbs lighter, more enegetic, more fun to be with they are all so happy that I did it.

Its a lot easier with family support, but trust me in the end you need to do whats best for you and you alone.

Tell her you understand that she can't (thankfully for her) fully grasp what you go through fighting with your weight and tell her you just need her to support this decision that you've already made for yourself. Tell her it's not failure -- neither yours or hers -- to get the band. Less than 5% of people that lost 50+ pounds keep it off without surgery. You know this -- you've tried many times, as we all have. If we take our emotions out of it, the only logical choice is to get banded. She doesn't want you to fight for the rest of your life. She clearly loves you so much. Hopefully, she can see the logic in your choice and if she can't, hopefully she can accept your decision with the understanding that you know better than she does on this one, and simply support your decision that is already made.

Just today, I put this quote on my refrigerator. It's from Deborah Tannen, from her book "Your're wearing THAT? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation" I picked it up at the library today, and the quote fits your "Mom comments" issue, so I thought I'd share.

"A daughter's response to her mother's words often seems out of proportion...because it really isn't a reaction to the words just spoken; it's a response to the weight of her mother's opinion".

I haven't read the whole book, but I loved that. It's true! I don't know how you do this, but is it possible to NOT care what your Mother thinks? No way.

I am a single mom, and most of my friends are guys (who I really don't discuss weight issues with)... So that leaves me with my mom and my sister and neither one was/is supportive in any way. In fact it almost feels like they are hoping that I fail. (look at my ticker, they are getting their wish)

I think that alot of times when we hope for support from people in our lives, it just isn't there for us. Your mother's support would be nice but you don't need it. Nor do you need her approval for what you choose to do to your body in hopes of improving the quality of YOUR life.

So don't make it an issue. Don't discuss your plans with her.

I have found this site to be the best support system that I could possibly ask for.

I can sooo relate to this. At first, I was shocked my mom seemed so supportive and then when she realized I was serious, her tune changed. Keep in mind my mom has been overweight as long as I can remember.....she told me all I had to do was push the plate away. WHAT?!?! I didn't understand where this was coming from.

Eventually, it came out that she was concerned for my well-being and was scared and the biggest reason was b/c she didn't know much about the band and none of her friends did either. I offered to share info and websites with her. She didn't want to know. I told her that I've already made my decision and I had total peace about it AND I wasn't asking her to agree with my decision, but would like to know she would support me regardless. She did warm up to the idea a bit.

The day b4 my surgery, while talking to her on the phone, she said she was going to call to her "nurse friend" and if she had bad things to say about the band, she was going to call me and tell me not to do it. Now, telling me NOT to do something is like saying sick-em to a dog....it doesn't sit well with me. I told her not to bother, it was a DONE deal. I had given this careful thought & prayer....I would go forward no matter what.

A couple weeks ago she told me she was going to be jealous if I started losing a lot of weight. I told her it would be good for her to get motivated and I hope we could lose weight together. The bottom line with moms is that they care for us, yet sometimes their opinions are very complicated.....at least with my mom.

Good luck and put trust and faith in yourself and your ability to make sound decisions for yourself. Keep your mom informed and let her know she is and will always be important in your life, but you are capable of making wise choices.

Hello,

My mom was NOT supportive at first. She was not happy with me. She told me that I had lost the weight before many times and I could do it again. I told her that that's the problem. I have lost it over and over and over again only to gain it back plus more. I needed something to help control what I ate and not feel hungry. I told her she raised a smart girl and I had been researching every aspect of this surgery for over a year. She still didn't like it but was more supportive. (She really flipped out when I told her I was going to Mexico to have it done. I live in Montana). But in the end she's ok with it now.

Sharon

I had a very similar situation - a skinny mom who just didn't get it. She called me every other day for weeks before the surgery with a new diet idea for me. It was all done out of love, but I still wanted to scream. Ironically, she's addicted to cigarettes but can't comprehend how somebody can be addicted to food.

Now that the weight is coming off she's become much more supportive.

Funny how Mums tend to react in such a similar way in different parts of the world....

My mother had exactly the same reaction and even dad (he's a doctor, can you imagine that?...) reacted badly when i first mentioned what I was intending to do. But then I started thinking, my mother never had weight problems in her life, she goes everyday to gym, she's very slender and wears a size 6... how could she ever understand how miserable my life was before I had my band? maybe I was just asking the impossible from her... knowing that she loves me and that she cares for me is all i needed to know and I live happily with that.

niki

Excellent advice.

Lisah, we ALL wish there was just one more diet, just one more try and maybe we could find the answer. hugs

hugs and good luck with your journey.

Today, calmed down a bit, I realize this is indeed very good advice! She is who she is, and I've known that for a long time. Overall, she's a great mom and I know she is motivated by wanting what's best for me. She just doesn't understand that what's best for anyone else may not be for me.

Tell . Less than 5% of people that lost 50+ pounds keep it off without surgery. You know this -- you've tried many times, as we all have. If we take our emotions out of it, the only logical choice is to get banded. She doesn't want you to fight for the rest of your life. She clearly loves you so much. Hopefully, she can see the logic in your choice and if she can't, hopefully she can accept your decision with the understanding that you know better than she does on this one, and simply support your decision that is already made.

We've talked about the stats for banded and non-banded weight loss, and she was surprised at how different they are, how much the band helps.

DH got banded almost two years ago, and while he's lost weight, he fights with what to eat. She watches that and wonders.

And I'm lucky, because she will support me in the end.

Just today, I put this quote on my refrigerator. It's from Deborah Tannen, from her book "Your're wearing THAT? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation" I picked it up at the library today, and the quote fits your "Mom comments" issue, so I thought I'd share.

"A daughter's response to her mother's words often seems out of proportion...because it really isn't a reaction to the words just spoken; it's a response to the weight of her mother's opinion".

I haven't read the whole book, but I loved that. It's true! I don't know how you do this, but is it possible to NOT care what your Mother thinks? No way. :confused:

That's a perfect quote, it may have to go up on mine as well! It's amazing how hard we can struggle to grow up and be our own person, and still want mom's approval!

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A couple weeks ago she told me she was going to be jealous if I started losing a lot of weight. I told her it would be good for her to get motivated and I hope we could lose weight together. The bottom line with moms is that they care for us, yet sometimes their opinions are very complicated.....at least with my mom.

Good luck and put trust and faith in yourself and your ability to make sound decisions for yourself. Keep your mom informed and let her know she is and will always be important in your life, but you are capable of making wise choices.

Interesting that she got in touch with that feeling. Maybe it will help motivate her?

I may have to remind mom of all the times she's told me how smart and level-headed I am! She is planning to be there on surgery day, she was for DH and that was wonderful.

Hello,

My mom was NOT supportive at first. She was not happy with me. She told me that I had lost the weight before many times and I could do it again. I told her that that's the problem. I have lost it over and over and over again only to gain it back plus more. I needed something to help control what I ate and not feel hungry. I told her she raised a smart girl and I had been researching every aspect of this surgery for over a year. She still didn't like it but was more supportive. (She really flipped out when I told her I was going to Mexico to have it done. I live in Montana). But in the end she's ok with it now.

Sharon

I should tell mom to be glad I'm doing it locally where she can be there!

And yeah, they just can't get the losing the weight isn't always the hard part, it's keeping it off.