Well, I've started a post here quite a few times only to get a few paragraphs in, tell myself "who cares" and log off without posting anything. The night before last I got a call from the Bariatric Clinic where I had my lap band done and they were calling to remind me to make my three year follow up visit appointment.

Three years. Has it been three years? And where am I at? I'm heavier today than I was the day of surgery. To say I'm discouraged is the understatement of the century. I was 320 pounds when approved for surgery. I lost 35 pounds before surgery on Medifast because I needed to shrink my liver, per doctor's orders. I am now at 298.

The lowest weight I achieved was 268 and that was about 6 months after banding. It will be three years in May and the thought of even going in for a follow up visit leaves me cold. At an appointment about a year and half a ago (for a fill) the doctor told me, "You did not fail the band - the band failed you." Seriously? Doesn't that sound like a cop-out? He wants me to have gastric bypass. He always did want me to have gastric bypass. So did my PCP. So does my diabetes doctor. Anyone I've encountered in the medical field advises me to have gastric bypass.

They don't really come out and say it, but I know with my super high blood pressure and pre-diabetes (I was Type II diabetic before surgery, but was able to come off the meds after surgery and haven't had to go back on them - yet), plus a BMI of 54 (nothing like being more than half fat) they're fearful I'm going to have a stroke. They never come out and SAY that, but the urgency is there. The constant encouragement to have gastric bypass is there.

I've been overweight since I was about 12. I'd been called fat or variations thereof my entire life up until that point. I look at photos now and sigh with regret. I was tall (for my age - now I'm 5'3" - who knew I'd end up a shrimp?!), but I was thin. I don't know why so many said I was fat. I am a big-boned girl, but I'm not Andre the Giant. Anyway, by 12 I was seeing myself as the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man and I grew from there.

I've lost the weight off and on my entire life, starting in my teens. 50 pounds here, 100 pounds there. I lost 100 pounds in 1997 and kept it off for five years until I had a car accident and couldn't work out 7 days a week like I had been. The weight came back so quickly without my constant exercising. It was pure heartache for me.

So here I am again. I'm seeing a Hypertension specialist because my BP is so high and my PCP can't manage it any longer. I have hereditary high BP and was diagnosed at 15. I'm 40 now. I take more medications than a 70 year old. Even when I lost the 100 pounds my BP didn't budge. I'm seeing an Endocrinologist because my PCP thinks my issues might be hormonal, however the Endocrinologist is coming at me more from a diabetes standpoint.

I have arthritis in my hands and feet and I'm having flare ups almost on a daily basis. My RA doctor doesn't want to prescribe medications because they will jack up my already high BP. I haven't been in for a fill in about two years. I don't go because I feel like I'm a failure. Every weigh in depresses me. Oddly enough I don't need a fill. I have pretty good restriction and I'm limited in what I can eat.

I haven't drank soda or eaten fast food in 20 years. I don't eat junk food (really I don't). I rarely touch alcohol with very few exceptions. I try to exercise 3-4 times a week, but with my feet hurting so badly lately, exercise seems impossible. Plus I fractured my foot two months ago, so I'm only recently even ready to think about exercising again.

Sweets are difficult for me, but I really limit what I eat. I'll have sorbet about once a week (maybe twice if it's that time of the month) and a piece of chocolate (not candy bars) every now and again. I haven't maintained a perfect course since being banded, but I've stayed the course pretty darn well.

A woman in our office was banded about 6 months ago. I'd say she's lost probably 75 pounds. She looks fantastic. Before surgery she ate a lot. Eating out every day, large portions, soda, fast food, etc. She was pretty big. Even before my surgery I never ate that way. Weight just seems to stick to me like a booger that won't flick off. This same woman who was banded 6 months ago still drinks soda, but it's diet now (which I know soda is a no-no). She eats pretty large portions (I cannot or I'll puke) and she looks amazing.

I was sitting in the breakroom with a friend the other day eating lunch and I told my friend, "I'm so jealous. I'm never jealous of anyone or anything, but I'm jealous of this woman's weightloss." If you're thinking I'm not eating enough, I did have my trainer tell me that he didn't think I was eating enough, but I feel full. What am I supposed to do? Force it?

Here's a typical day:

Breakfast

Greek Yogurt with a handful of Grape Nuts on top

1 cup of coffee with Splenda and creamer

Water throughout the day

Lunch

Half a sandwich (Typically turkey)

OR

Egg salad with a serving of Wheat Thins (about 16 chips)

Snack (I know we're not supposed to snack, but sometimes I'm just starving and I have to take a pill with food)

Some slices of cheese

OR

Handful of almonds

Dinner

Salad with lowfat Ranch dressing

Protein of some sort (chicken or steak)

OR

Meatloaf and cottage cheese

I can't eat past 7pm because of heartburn, so I'm eating early and I do not eat or have dessert after 7pm because of the heartburn. I drink plenty of water throughout the day. Sometimes I do have juice (like a mango/orange from concentrate) when I get home, but I cut it with water (usually 1/4 juice and 3/4 water).

If I do have dessert it's usually sorbet. I will have a piece of birthday cake (it's a birthday celebration - come on!) or a piece of pie at Thanksgiving. I don't believe in being insane about restrictions.

I don't understand what's wrong. I take so many medications that I wonder if all these BP drugs are slowing my metabolism down. I've been medicated since 22 - heavily medicated. My BP is 220/120 unmedicated. Medicated I'm 140/90 and lately it's been 153/100, hence the reason for the referral to the Hypertension Clinic.

I'm discouraged. My sister and I are exactly the same size and she weighs 30 pounds less than I do! 30 pounds less and we're the same size! That's crazy! I don't want to starve myself and exercise like a mad woman in order to take the weight off. What's wrong with me? I'm so very, very discouarged. I don't like being this big. I do want to change. I'm trying to change. My whole life I've tried. What am I doing wrong?

Hi i cant say i understand we all have our weight loss problems the only advise i can give is stay focused and walk by faith.I have been banded 4 yrs.this august and i havent lost want i wanted to lose.I go up and down now im back were i started at 242 i been higher 285 just had another fill on the 4th So im starting over im going do better this time around i dont like this weight.I also have high bp and i also had à knee remplacement and my vassal was accident cut,my other one needs done but my God is going to help me through this.So i know we can do this.I can do all things through Christ WHO Strengths Me.

Alright now! I love the things you are saying. There are always pros and cons to starting over, but the wonderful thing about it is that you know where to start. Everyday we have the gift to begin again. Im doing my best to keep the carbs really low, and the starches and process foods out of my life. Not that I can't ever have them, but I need a serious break. There are parts of me that regret having thus surgery, but there is a whole lot that I can learn from this journey. We are not defeated. No we haven't gotten to our goal weight, but there are so many lessons we can obtain through this process. No wls is 100% successful, so there is always something to do and even more to learn. So what are you doing now to make this time better than the last?

Hi Thank u,im going to stay focused keep my mind clear of all the junk food around else everyday.Keep asking God to regulate my mind.

Its truly a day by day process. I was thinking about some junk an hour ago. I started drinking water and try to focus on my work and time passed. I have to remember how bad I need this weight off. I also have some nuts in my desk to hild me until I get home.