Snapdragon

Well, I've started a post here quite a few times only to get a few paragraphs in, tell myself "who cares" and log off without posting anything. The night before last I got a call from the Bariatric Clinic where I had my lap band done and they were calling to remind me to make my three year follow up visit appointment. Three years. Has it been three years? And where am I at? I'm heavier today than I was the day of surgery. To say I'm discouraged is the understatement of the century. I was 320 pounds when approved for surgery. I lost 35 pounds before surgery on Medifast because I needed to shrink my liver, per doctor's orders. I am now at 298. The lowest weight I achieved was 268 and that was about 6 months after banding. It will be three years in May and the thought of even going in for a follow up visit leaves me cold. At an appointment about a year and half a ago (for a fill) the doctor told me, "You did not fail the band - the band failed you." Seriously? Doesn't that sound like a cop-out? He wants me to have gastric bypass. He always did want me to have gastric bypass. So did my PCP. So does my diabetes doctor. Anyone I've encountered in the medical field advises me to have gastric bypass. They don't really come out and say it, but I know with my super high blood pressure and pre-diabetes (I was Type II diabetic before surgery, but was able to come off the meds after surgery and haven't had to go back on them - yet), plus a BMI of 54 (nothing like being more than half fat) they're fearful I'm going to have a stroke. They never come out and SAY that, but the urgency is there. The constant encouragement to have gastric bypass is there. I've been overweight since I was about 12. I'd been called fat or variations thereof my entire life up until that point. I look at photos now and sigh with regret. I was tall (for my age - now I'm 5'3" - who knew I'd end up a shrimp?!), but I was thin. I don't know why so many said I was fat. I am a big-boned girl, but I'm not Andre the Giant. Anyway, by 12 I was seeing myself as the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man and I grew from there. I've lost the weight off and on my entire life, starting in my teens. 50 pounds here, 100 pounds there. I lost 100 pounds in 1997 and kept it off for five years until I had a car accident and couldn't work out 7 days a week like I had been. The weight came back so quickly without my constant exercising. It was pure heartache for me. So here I am again. I'm seeing a Hypertension specialist because my BP is so high and my PCP can't manage it any longer. I have hereditary high BP and was diagnosed at 15. I'm 40 now. I take more medications than a 70 year old. Even when I lost the 100 pounds my BP didn't budge. I'm seeing an Endocrinologist because my PCP thinks my issues might be hormonal, however the Endocrinologist is coming at me more from a diabetes standpoint. I have arthritis in my hands and feet and I'm having flare ups almost on a daily basis. My RA doctor doesn't want to prescribe medications because they will jack up my already high BP. I haven't been in for a fill in about two years. I don't go because I feel like I'm a failure. Every weigh in depresses me. Oddly enough I don't need a fill. I have pretty good restriction and I'm limited in what I can eat. I haven't drank soda or eaten fast food in 20 years. I don't eat junk food (really I don't). I rarely touch alcohol with very few exceptions. I try to exercise 3-4 times a week, but with my feet hurting so badly lately, exercise seems impossible. Plus I fractured my foot two months ago, so I'm only recently even ready to think about exercising again. Sweets are difficult for me, but I really limit what I eat. I'll have sorbet about once a week (maybe twice if it's that time of the month) and a piece of chocolate (not candy bars) every now and again. I haven't maintained a perfect course since being banded, but I've stayed the course pretty darn well. A woman in our office was banded about 6 months ago. I'd say she's lost probably 75 pounds. She looks fantastic. Before surgery she ate a lot. Eating out every day, large portions, soda, fast food, etc. She was pretty big. Even before my surgery I never ate that way. Weight just seems to stick to me like a booger that won't flick off. This same woman who was banded 6 months ago still drinks soda, but it's diet now (which I know soda is a no-no). She eats pretty large portions (I cannot or I'll puke) and she looks amazing. I was sitting in the breakroom with a friend the other day eating lunch and I told my friend, "I'm so jealous. I'm never jealous of anyone or anything, but I'm jealous of this woman's weightloss." If you're thinking I'm not eating enough, I did have my trainer tell me that he didn't think I was eating enough, but I feel full. What am I supposed to do? Force it? Here's a typical day: Breakfast Greek Yogurt with a handful of Grape Nuts on top 1 cup of coffee with Splenda and creamer Water throughout the day Lunch Half a sandwich (Typically turkey) OR Egg salad with a serving of Wheat Thins (about 16 chips) Snack (I know we're not supposed to snack, but sometimes I'm just starving and I have to take a pill with food) Some slices of cheese OR Handful of almonds Dinner Salad with lowfat Ranch dressing Protein of some sort (chicken or steak) OR Meatloaf and cottage cheese I can't eat past 7pm because of heartburn, so I'm eating early and I do not eat or have dessert after 7pm because of the heartburn. I drink plenty of water throughout the day. Sometimes I do have juice (like a mango/orange from concentrate) when I get home, but I cut it with water (usually 1/4 juice and 3/4 water). If I do have dessert it's usually sorbet. I will have a piece of birthday cake (it's a birthday celebration - come on!) or a piece of pie at Thanksgiving. I don't believe in being insane about restrictions. I don't understand what's wrong. I take so many medications that I wonder if all these BP drugs are slowing my metabolism down. I've been medicated since 22 - heavily medicated. My BP is 220/120 unmedicated. Medicated I'm 140/90 and lately it's been 153/100, hence the reason for the referral to the Hypertension Clinic. I'm discouraged. My sister and I are exactly the same size and she weighs 30 pounds less than I do! 30 pounds less and we're the same size! That's crazy! I don't want to starve myself and exercise like a mad woman in order to take the weight off. What's wrong with me? I'm so very, very discouarged. I don't like being this big. I do want to change. I'm trying to change. My whole life I've tried. What am I doing wrong?

No replies to my post. I know it was rather long. I was looking for some encouragement - some brain-storming on why I'm not losing weight. 263 views and no one can comment? Oh well.

This is just what I needed to read today. While I'm not ready to remove the Fluid from my band, you have given me a fresh idea and a new perspective. I needed this. Right here. Right now. Today. Thank you.

I've been banded since May 2008. The way I get unstuck, if stretching and standing don't do it, I throw up. It works for me. I'll wait as long as I can (to see if the food will move on its own), but if it's not moving and I'm in pain, I stick my finger down my throat. Works every time.

Sorry to hear of your job loss. Congratulations though on your weight loss. Stay positive and make a list of what you want in a new job. Post it somewhere you'll see it and read it (and believe it) every day. Your strong enough to lose 60 lbs and exercise 5 days a week - your strong enough to get through this job challenge! Hang in there and keep the faith.

I have to start posting what I eat. I was banded in May 2008 and my weightloss has been uber slow. I had an Upper GI today since my weightloss has been painfully slow she wanted to make sure the band was still in place, etc. It IS in place. The radiologist doctor thought though that my band might be too tight - the barium when I was swallowing would go down to my pouch, then back up to my esphogaus and then back down. So my doctor took out 1 mm (is it mm or centimeter? I don't know). So I was 10.5 in a 14 cc band. Now I'm 9.5. My body is changing shape - I'm down from a size 28 (and that was getting tight) to a solid 18 on top and 16 on the bottom. Why won't the scale move?! Arg! So far today I've eaten (or plan to eat): B - Atkins Cafe Carmel shake w/ 2 T PB L - 5 Tyson chick strips with 2 T salsa D - 3 Wasa crackers w/ cream cheese & lean turkey

I think buying ourselves new, smaller clothes really helps us adjust to the weightloss. It has helped me to go out and buy some smaller items and to purge the larger items from my closet. It's like a cleansing. We have to get rid of our old negative imagines of ourselves before we can fully appreciate the new "us". I have caught my reflection in a mirror or in glass and sometimes I see the old "fat Erica" and sometimes I see the Erica that I really am. Wearing clothes that actually fit us and not hang on us like tents is a big part of changing our thinking and our emotions, in my opinion, at least.

Great thread idea. I have: 1. Floated down a river in Dominica. Before weightloss I wouldn't have even dared put on a bathing suit and float for almost two hours with complete strangers. I had the time of my life. 2. Swam with stingrays - again, the bathing suit issue. No problem this time. I was out there! 3. Spent 16 days in the Caribbean and didn't feel like a sweating, stuck pig. 4. Smiled at the camera for the first time in years. 5. Even allowed my picture to be taken! 6. Didn't worry if my belt would buckle on the airplane. 7. Looking forward to getting a new DL picture. 8. Told my husband what I weigh (I'm no where near goal, but for some reason my weight isn't a big, dark secret any longer). 9. I smile more. 10. I'm off my diabetes meds. 11. I have hope.

You are not alone in this! I do the exact same thing sometimes. I've been canceling my fill appointments (the last three) because at the previous three fill appointments when they weighed me I GAINED. I canceled these last three because I was sick and tired of crying at the doctors office. For pitys sake. I was a mess for hours afterward. I'm getting my poop in a group now and I have a fill appointment at the end of the month. I'm back on the bandwagon and I realize I probably need more fill. I already feel pretty tight, but I can eat more than I'm supposed to and it doesn't come back up. Not good. I'm going to start sitting down to eat with a shaker of salt. When I've had my fill of food (appropriate amount) I'm going to salt the hell out of what is left. That way I know I won't eat it. You're not alone! Don't give up! We can do this! =)

Thanks for the encouragement, Fluffy. You make a good point - it didnt' go on overnight. I guess I'm just so sick and tired of this weight. I just want it to go away.

I've forgotten how many fills I've had. I think I've had four, maybe five. I'm always amazed at how people remember exactly what their fill date was and how much they received. Maybe it's because after my first appointment (where I'd lost weight) things have gone downhill since then. Arg. I have a 14 cc band and I have 10 cc's. I thought I was at my sweet spot or at least I had good restriction because I do feel restricted. Food doesn't just slide down - I get stuck if I eat too fast or eat something that just doesn't want to go down (sourdough bread, bacon, etc.). Maybe I'm not at my sweet spot though. Thanks for telling me it's not unusual to gain a little at first. I really want to believe that. LOL As for what I'm eating, here is a typical day: Breakfast - One slice of WW toast Laughing Cow Lite cheese Egg OR Atkins shake blended with ice lunch - Soup with 2-4 no salt saltine crackers OR Tyson chicken strips (5 small in a serving) with a tablespoon of salsa dinner - Chicken (typically) salad - lots of goodies in it Dessert - Weight Watchers something or other OR Light Ice Cream I realize that ice cream is a no-no. I just love ice cream though. I'll go through phases - I won't have any for weeks and weeks then I'll buy some and have a dish after dinner for a week or so. I also love cheese and this may be a downfall. I try not to snack, but sometimes I'm starving and it's not meal time so I'll have a couple of slices of cheese. I try to eat a lot of protein and that has helped me not lose any hair on this weightloss journey. The last few days I've cut out the cheese in hopes that will help me lose some weight. I used to track my food intake, but got out of the habit. I suppose I should start again. THANK YOU for the link to the pouch test. I'm definitely doing this. I'm starting today. THANK YOU! Putting myself down is a bad and nasty habit of mine. You wrote, "It will defeat you". I hate that. You're right. It WILL defeat me. I have to stop playing my negative tapes (as my mother calls it). Regarding my meds - I don't know if they have a side effect of gaining weight, but I do know that my BP meds make me feel "old". When I don't take them - I have all the energy in the world. I feel my age - I feel young and full of energy. Granted, I could drop dead of a stroke, but I feel good. LOL I've talked to my doctor about it for years and she says unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. I have to have the meds and I have to learn to live with the side effects of it slowing me down. Thanks for your advice and encouragement. It helped a lot. Truly. Thank you.

YES! I have these days. From the time I was banded until a month ago when I had my period I could eat ANYTHING. I felt wide open. It was awful! Now all of a sudden, these last two periods - I can hardly keep anything down. I feel uber tight and I have to be very careful of what I eat and my chewing. I've come to realize the band has a mind of its own and it constantly changing. It's just a new reality now. Which may also change next week. LOL

I'm glad I found this board. I've been off of Lap Band Talk over the winter and I came back looking for support since I'm feeling somewhat defeated over my slow losses. I was actually so upset that I gave my scale away to The Salvation Army thrift store. I have no idea what I weigh right now and I really could care less. At my last fill apointment (actually the last two appointments) I'd gained weight. I cried. Both appointments. My husband doesn't know what to do with me after those appointments. I'm sitting in the doctors office texting him, "I gained weight. I hate myself. I'm such a loser and not in a good way." =( How can I possibly gain weight?! At the time I was walking like crazy (about 5-6 nights per week for 45 minutes), eating correctly and thought I was doing it "right". Since my last fill appointment (more like disappointment) I have canceled three appointments. I kept telling my husband, "I can't cry again at the doctors office". I try to recount my victories - I'm completely off my diabetes medication, I'm down from a tight fitting size 26 to a solid 18 on top and 16 on the bottom, and I feel better with my body and in my clothes. However, my blood pressure, which is insanely high (due to hereditary reasons) is still through the roof. I'm still on my thyroid meds and my doctor tells me I will be for the rest of my life. My recent blood work came back that I have high cholesterol so at my next doctors appointment I'll be getting a prescription for MORE meds. Oh joy. I already take about 400 mg in high blood pressure meds and about 75 in thyroid. Thankfully the 2000 mg in diabetes meds has gone away - at least for now. I feel like I'm a pill popping machine - at 38. My fill appointment is on April 30th and I'm like a woman on a mission. I've revamped my diet (although I think I'm already doing what I'm supposed to do) and I'm on the verge of just going full blown liquids until the 30th. I know I can't possibly do that - it's not healthy and I know I can't stick to that, but I don't know what else to do. The last time I lost a lot of weight (100 lbs) about 11 years ago it took me two years, so I know I'm a slow loser. But crappity crap crap - I thought with the band I'd see a bit more progress. I know a lot of my hang up's come from my self image. There are days I don't look in the mirror because I can't stand what looks back. All I see is this fat face with a huge double chin, puffy cheeks and bloated body. I wish I could see myself the way my husbands sees me. He tells me how gorgeous I am and I just can't seem to find that woman that he sees. I truly am my own worst enemy. I think I'll go off the deep end if at my next fill appointment I've gained weight or not lost anything since the last time. It's also my one year appointment and this stupid survey I agreed to at the University hospital is going to take blood and urine and measure all of me. I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to see progress and it's so elusive. Sorry for complaining. Thanks for listening.

First off, congratulations on the weightloss since surgery. What an accomplishment. I'm a very slow loser and I wish I could lose weight like you've been losing! I can relate on wanting to go back to the liquid diet. Maybe just do liquids for Breakfast. I've found that the best thing for me is to make sure I don't have snack foods around. Not at my desk or at home. I make sure I have foods that require thought and preparation. That way I don't find myself grabbing for a piece (or two, three, four) of cheese or popcorn, chips, crackers, etc. Keep some Protein rich foods prepared in the frig - boil up eggs in advance, mix a batch of refried Beans up so they can be quickly reheated, keep grilled/broiled/baked chicken on hand for quit reheating or to toss into a small salad. This new lifestyle requires our patience and planning. It's been one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn. And I'm almost at my one year anniversary! Keep up the good work. You can do this.

I can relate. I used to love tuna salad and now I can't stand the stuff. There are certain foods that just don't appeal to me any more. I think our bodies are just adjusting to this new lifestyle. I'm not a doctor, but my assumption is that the more we have to chew and eat slowly, the more our taste buds, brain and emotions tune in to the food. I'm learning a great deal of patience with myself. Some days I really miss the joy of just grabbing a burger and fries and wolfing it down (horrible, I know!), but then I realize that I'm healthier, stronger and better for having had this surgery and I'm slowly, but surely losing the weight. I do have to remind myself to eat foods that are harder to get down, i.e., chicken, salads, eggs, etc. That type of food fills me up - the slider foods do just that - slide. They're easy and require no effort on my part. I spent the greater part of my life not concentrating on what I put into my mouth. I tell myself that I can now spend the rest of my life being thoughtful.

I think the stress point is a good one. I used to have such bad acid reflux before surgery that I would end up throwing up. Ugh. It was awful. Since surgery I hadn't had an acid reflux episode once. Now, for the past month I've been getting some reflux. No where near what I used to get, but it feels like it's getting worse and worse. It woke me up last night and I had to go take a Zantac (OTC). I'm thinking it's because I'm stressed. I've noticed that tea and coffee don't help either. I've gotta stop this stress. Thanks for the note about stress - it's what I needed to hear today.

Oh girl....you can tell a big difference! You look great. I can totally see the weight loss. Congrats!!

You look fantastic! Thank you for sharing this. This was the encouragement I needed today. Congratulations again. What a journey.

Nope, I didn't have to have an upper GI.

I too think you may be washing too much down there. Our bodies have a certain chemistry. I'd also start eating some yogurt. If you're going through Ketosis, stop it and start eating carbs again. Going through that process is not for everyone. I'd also drink a lot of Water. Lots of it. Cleanse your body.

Wow - everyone has some fantastic weight loss. I went to my doctor yesterday for my third fill. I'm up to 9.5 in a 14 cc band. I gained two pounds. I almost fell down on the floor and cried. The nutritionist came in and started talking to me like she always does. Blech. She finally said, "I'm sensing tone and some disappointment". You think?! Duh. So got the fill, which this time was suprisingly painful (never has been). I'm a woman on a mission right now. I'm so mad that I've gained and not lost anything. I weighed in at 278.5. Double blech. I'm doing my two days of liquids. I weighed this morning and it said 270. I always weigh less in the morning. Also went for a 50 minute walk last night with my wonderful husband. Poor guy was huffing and puffing next to me cause I was walking with such a vengeance! Dammit all...

My husband drove my car this weekend and nearly crushed himself up against the steering wheel. He looked over at me and said, "Good grief. You've lost a lot of weight". He's 6'1" and I'm 5'3". I used to keep the seat as far back as he would sit just to accommodate my stomach. Now I'm up A LOT closer and he's just amazed. Feels so good. Now if the stinkin' scale would just budge!!

Wow. You were banded a few days after me (I was banded on May 13th) and you're losing at a much better rate than I am. You're more than double my weight loss. I realize we all lose at a different pace, but I feel my chin going to my chest right now in defeat. :thumbdown: I have another fill (my third) today. I have restriction - sometimes. Sometimes the food goes down pretty hard and it hurts like hell, other times I'm wide open. The weird thing is...I LOOK like I've dropped 75 lbs. The scale isn't moving a bit, but I look like I'm down a lot more than I've actually lost. Sigh... Why am I so hung up on my scale?! I irritate myself.

It's hard to answer because I'm not in your shoes. After giving it some thought though, I'd go through with the surgery. I'd do it because right at this moment in time, you need to do something for YOU. Furthermore, you have your future and the future of your children to worry about. You being a healthy, happy person is going to help with all of your futures. Saying all that...follow your heart. Get some quiet time alone and listen to what your heart is telling you. Put aside the issues about paying more, what the insurance will say or won't say, etc. I truly believe you'll find the peace that you need. I'm sorry for the struggles you're going through and the heartache you must be feeling. My best to you and your little ones.

I read the "What did you eat today" posts every day and I've learned so much from those who post there. So first off, a hearty THANK YOU to all who are faithful in posting there. The one thing I've noticed is that I don't see many posting about salads. I eat a salad every day and my weight has really slowed. I LOVE LOVE LOVE salads. I realize that lettuce can't be fattening, however there are fat bunnies, so maybe I'm doing something wrong? I limit my dressing and I load the salad with goodies - almonds, raisins, low fat shredded cheese and tomatoes. Just curious to know if keeping off the salads for awhile might be a good idea for me. Do you avoid salads or eat them sparingly?