So...I told my sister-in-law(aka jabber jaws) in Nov '09 that I was looking into lap-band. We got through the holidays and everything was status quo. I made it offical on 1/31/10. I've been invited through my husband out to dinner at various restaurants - of course I've had to decline and to a family dinner to which my mother-in-law announce I could bring my "diet food" and I declined again - too much temptation...

The odd thing is that my s-i-l is no longer asking me to go shopping or to the movies and not one single member of the family has called to ask how things are going, offer help post-surgery. It's like I've disappeared. Anybody else noticing this in their families?:thumbdown:

Sometimes, jealousy sets in even from family members. I hope they "come around" you need to have a support system. Good luck, and don't let anything, or ANYONE bring you down. You are doing this for Y O U. :thumbdown:

I think my family didn't believe I'd go through with it. My surgery was on Friday and since no one asked I didn't tell. My Mom stopped over this morning and I was still in my sweats and slippers with no makeup. She was all like, "Oh you had it done didn't you? " I said yes, my Dad asked a few questions and that was that. It was good they stopped over becasue I wanted to tell them but they seemed so busy. My daughter needed a ride and it was so helpful for them to take her. They also offered to get me anything I might need, but I was all set cause I stocked up over the weeks prior to surgery. I would say that this is one of those things that really affects you and your life, but not so much others outside of your household. Maybe you should call you SIL and ask her why she doesn't ask you to go shopping...maybe she thinks you won't need anything and that you don't want to buy things right now? As for MIL dont' worry about it, the food stuff is secondary and not something everyone else will understand. Go when you are ready to deal with the food that will inevitably be around when family gatherings occur. This really is a personal journey and others may not really be able to understand it all.

You will find support in other places if your family isn't supportive of your choice.

I would still go out to eat and be social. I just order soup. Maybe they don't ask you to go because you keep turning them down?

Hi my name is Jean I am from Upstate also, the same thing happen to me and my sister.I would love to have someone to talk with.

God Bless

I would still go out to eat and be social. I just order soup. Maybe they don't ask you to go because you keep turning them down?

I was wondering the same thing.

I have a feeling my family and friends will be giving me advice all the time(at least for the first couple months), theyll all be experts on it. (not in mean way). For instance, my dad told me he supports the idea "but" hes worried my stomach will burst if I eat to much. He hangs out at the local firemens club and there are a few people who have had bypass.He doesnt understand theyre 2 different procedures. Whatever these people tell him is the "gospel". Even though ive researched this extensively, what I say means nothing because I havent done it yet. Im sure when we meet for dinner he will be watching my every move, waiting to give his advice. The scary thing is,he does this on alot of different issues and he is usually right. Its very possible some may act like your handicapped because they dont fully understand. People, sometimes dont know how to respond to certain situations. I dont think people necessarily do it on purpose. I think because you had a drastic procedure done to yourself they subconsciously treat you different, I dont think its always on purpose. I also think to a certain point we become more sensitive about the situation ourselves. I think after a period of time, your life will return to a certain normalcy and things will change. Just remember, you did this for you first, to be healthy and happy. Good luck, everything will work itself out.

To answer the "Why don't I go and eat soup?" question - at this stage I am Medifast/One Lean Protein & One Green Veggie/One cup of broth...

I think it's rude to go to a restaurant and either present a laundry list of dietary restrictions for the kitchen to attempt to satisfy, or to refuse to eat or just sip coffee. Of course I could do the latter, but than that draws all the attention to me - "Why aren't you eating?", "Don't you like the food?", "So-and so had that operation and they ...", "I could never do that I like to eat!", "I've told you over and over, you just need willpower...look at me I'm a size 8...(m-i-l)

Giving it more thought, I realize that my husband's family has always been like this - self-absorbed and inconsiderate. Like insisting I proceed with my wedding after being diagnosed with breast cancer or dropping a sick kid at my house while they take off for a week.

Maybe the real problem is that now that I'm actually doing something about my weight and learning to say "No" and not just rolling with rude and inconsiderate behavior the fear is that the "doormat" (aka me) is gone!

Giving it more thought, I realize that my husband's family has always been like this - self-absorbed and inconsiderate. Like insisting I proceed with my wedding after being diagnosed with breast cancer or dropping a sick kid at my house while they take off for a week.

Maybe the real problem is that now that I'm actually doing something about my weight and learning to say "No" and not just rolling with rude and inconsiderate behavior the fear is that the "doormat" (aka me) is gone!

So....... your inlaws are self-absorbed, rude, inconsiderate, and treat you as a doormat.......... but you are heartbroken that they don't ask you to spend time with them going shopping and going to the movies?

So....... your inlaws are self-absorbed, rude, inconsiderate, and treat you as a doormat.......... but you are heartbroken that they don't ask you to spend time with them going shopping and going to the movies?

Wow - nothing rounds out a hectic week like a snarky, sweeping generalization from a stranger.

I'm a wife. Part of being a wife is being a part of the family regardless of my in-law particular foibles. A fair amount of "rolling" with it if you will.

"Heartbroken" - No. The purpose of my original question was to see if anyone else had family members whose behavior either changed dramatically after they went public with their decision or who acted like they weren't aware of what you were doing or had to do in the process.

In my situation, its not like my family doesn't know what this entails - we have several family friends and relatives who've gone either route(GBP or LB). Perhaps its now too close to home.

sorry, I wasn't trying to be snarky or make a sweeping generalization. I just pretty much repeated what you said. I just wouldn't be so upset if they treated me bad anyway.

Edited February 20, 201016 yr by Humming Bird

My family isn't supportive. The only good thing that I have heard from them was from my sister who said "I'm happy for you." I think I will remember that for the rest of my life. My parents haven't really said much. It's mostly "Sooooo.... you're really gonna do it?" I've noticed with other people who have overweight people in their family do not get much support. (I'm not sure if your in-laws are overweight.) I think jealousy gets a big part of people being unsupportive.

I really hope things get better for you.

Your question rang a bell with me for sure. My mother has always lived her life through me and is what therapists call emotionally enmeshed. For example, when I was in high school and didn't make the cheerleading squad, my mother cried more than I did, and then got herself stinking drunk because she was so sad "for me". There are many, many other examples of her over-involvement in my life--but you get the picture. This same woman didn't call me the day of my surgery (this was the very first surgery I had ever had in my life) to see how I was doing--nor did she call later. She never asks me about my lapband nor my obvious weight loss. When I do share any of my lapband experiences with her, all I get is the shortest of dull responses ("hmm...oh...I see"...). It's just weird.

Giving it more thought, I realize that my husband's family has always been like this - self-absorbed and inconsiderate. Like insisting I proceed with my wedding after being diagnosed with breast cancer or dropping a sick kid at my house while they take off for a week.

Maybe the real problem is that now that I'm actually doing something about my weight and learning to say "No" and not just rolling with rude and inconsiderate behavior the fear is that the "doormat" (aka me) is gone!

You will feel empowered once you are fully empowered with the sentence No! in your regular vocabulary. From my expereince people will stop asking because they know there is a possibility you will say no, it used to be taken for granted that I would always say yes and be everyone's doormat as well. Now that I have "no" firmly entrenched in my vocabulary I am seeing a lot of differences in the way my family and co workers treat me. I think in some cases it is part of the journey of becoming who you were meant to be and having the courage and backbone to do what you need for you. When self absorbed people see someone who would always just do for them say no to them it makes them very uncomfortable as new boundries come into play and they are not sure how to react.

My family explained to me that they literally had no idea what to do with my new dietary restrictions. They'd also been a tad insulted when I refused to share Thanksgiving with them. We had a long heart-to-heart while I explained (again!!) why I would not be able to enjoy anything they cooked, not even the fried and dry turkey. Bless my Southern Redneck family, they don't know the meaning of healthy eating except collard greens. LOL!

We compromised and I choose the restaurant from a short list of those who serve things I can have, like baked or grilled seafood. They took a year to come around, but now that I've lost more than half my excess weight, they're beginning to see the light.

The patient application of a baseball bat to their stubborn heads when they try to serve me "bad" foods helps. (grin)

Lena

If someone kept turning down my invitations, I'd probably quit asking as well. Keep in mind that they may not totally understand the restrictions you're under now and may have made some assumptions based on your refusals.

If you truly do want to go places with them, call them up and invite them to go shopping, etc.

Personally, though, I tend to avoid rude, inconsiderate people...even family members. I have little to do with most of my mom's side of the family for this very reason. Oh, I'm polite to them and I don't avoid family functions, but I don't seek them out to do 'friend' things with either.

They haven't really acknowledged what I've done except to say, "Oh...you have a band? Good luck with that." in sort of an offhand way. My husband's family members, on the other hand, are always asking how I'm doing, congratulating me on my weight loss and/or asking if there's anything special I need when I'm invited to dinner.

Now that I'm coming up on 4 months postop, my band or 'special' needs are hardly mentioned because I've never made a big deal out of it to start with. I just avoid those foods I can't eat and eat those I can.

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